What to Do Bout Boyfriends Jealous Son

Updated on April 09, 2013
W.G. asks from Wilmington, NC
24 answers

I have been dating a awesome guy for 2 months and we adore one another. We are in our 40's. I have no children but I love kids. He has a 16 yr old son that lives with him and because of our relationship being new I haven't meet him yet, but he knows about me. I'm the first woman his dad has taken an interest in since the divorce 2 1/2 years ago.
He has started giving his dad a hard time, making irritable comments, and is becoming more and more jealous of his dad spending time with me. Neither of us have ever experienced this and dont know what to do??? It makes him feel confused in not knowing how to deal with his son, and it makes me feel bad to cause problems for ither of them, but I'm feeling deeply for his father and do not want this to come between our relationship. Help!!!! W.

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L.*.

answers from Houston on

Perhaps maybe the Mother & Father can speak to the son. I think if he sees he still has his dads attention & mom is okay (or pretends to be) w/dad dating maybe the boy will have a lil easier time while he's working out his own feelings. Either way good luck.

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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Okay W., I was with you until your last sentence. Don't want "this" to come between YOUR relationship?

The kid's 16. He will be an adult in two years. I suggest that you and dad keep your relationship low profile for a couple of years, until the kid leaves home.

Until then, dad needs to put his son FIRST, and you need to support that. Don't be one of those pain in the a$$ girlfriends. This is an important time for dads and sons, and the best dads spend as much time as possible with their sons during this very important developmental period. A truly "awesome" man spends time with his kids.

And if dad wants advice on what to do, tell him to spend time with his son doing things his son wants to do.

If his son does not want to spend a lot of time with dad right now, that's normal too, because kids that age seek their independence. If that is the case, if the kid is just being mouthy for no reason, tell your boyfriend to take a stern tone with his son, and tell him "Do not EVER talk to me like that." And make him do a chore.

But dad needs to keep offering to do things with him, and if he's in a sport or something, dad needs to be sure to attend his son's events.

14 moms found this helpful

C.V.

answers from Columbia on

You've been around for 2 months. His son has been FAMILY for 16.

I think you need to back off a bit. Respect that they do need to have time together, and try not to monopolize your boyfriend's time. Respect that you've only been in the picture for 2 months....which is really no time at all to someone whose parents were married for almost his whole life.

If I were you, I would encourage your boyfriend to spend time with his son, even if it means that you can't spend as much time with him. At this point, just 2 months into the relationship, you can set yourself up for success or failure. If you undermine their relationship, you're undermining YOUR relationship.

Best,

C. Lee

ETA: I was just thinking....he hasn't even MET you yet. So he's not jealous of YOU. He doesn't know you. He's jealous of the time he's losing with his dad. Help his dad to balance time with you and time with his son.

Also, I don't think you need to meet him for a couple more months. Work on balancing that time first, and focus on your relationship with your BF. Bringing his son into the mix now will take focus off you two getting to know one another better and you're just not ready for that dynamic.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

Son vs woman date of 2 mths. SON wins.

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O.O.

answers from Kansas City on

I know you're not a "kid" but 2 months and you "feel deeply"? You e not even met the most important person in his life yet!
Take it slow!
You don't need to do anything.
Dad has got to pace this O..
All good things are worth waiting for.
If he ever seems to be putting his son ahead of you?
Thank God. That's the sign of a wonderful parent!

10 moms found this helpful

L.U.

answers from Seattle on

Is mom in the picture at all?
Maybe you are just going to have to "date" him when the 16 year old is with mom or hanging out with friends and the rest of the time it will be talking on the phone, texts, and emails.
Sorry, the boy isn't upset about you. He doesn't know you, hasn't met you, probably doesn't even know what you look like.
All he knows is that you are taking up time with his dad. That's why I think the "dating" part is going to have to only be on days when the boy is busy...not time he would normally spend with his dad.
And....just a little comment. You don't get to "fall deeply" for the dad and worry about a child coming between you. They are a package. you get to fall deeply for BOTH of them.
L.

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

ADD: My mom was a "serial dater" and put herself solidly first in family relationships - it bit her in the butt as her daughters hit adulthood. Dating with kids requires some respect of the kids part in the relationship. If you are willing to take the time, be laid back and positive about slow progress, it can work.

Original: Dad should look into family counseling so his son can deal with the pain of the divorce and the family's changing dynamics.

If you adore this man, you'll need to step back a bit and really buy into the fact that this is a package deal. Granted, the boy isn't a child, but he is your BF's child and will always be. BF is an individual and part of a unit at the same time.

Basically your new relationship is a kick in the face to the kid. The divorce is undeniably real now - dad is dating. He's jealous, yes, but he's also hurt and probably going through the feelings again because of this "proof" that it's over between his parents. It's another loss for him, and it's more concrete because he will actually lose time with his dad to some degree since you are starting to spend time together.

You have to decide if you are willing to deal with the baggage if this guy has "the one" potential. Then you have to move slowly - which is best anyway because the guy is reasonably newly divorced.

Do not look at this as a competition for affection or time. Do not have a "him or me" attitude. Do not get mad at this kid for being upset. He has every right. Don't push to meet the kid - two months is not long at all. Honestly, you really DON'T know the guy. You've hit it off, but it's super early on. Make sure YOU don't get jealous of THEIR time together.

DO let the man know that you understand that he needs to work this out with his son. DO give him the time and room to do it. If that means you guys meet for lunch instead of dating in the evening during his family time, then that may be necessary. DO encourage him to work with his son so they can find their footing.

I wish you luck. This is going to be complicated, so you have to realize that if you want to move forward with your BF.

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K.P.

answers from Miami on

An adolescent's entire world revolves around one thing... themselves. You may very well be the most amazing thing to ever happen to his father, but in his 16 year old mind, it's all about "How will this impact me?" You've already identified the answer... he's spending less time with his father. For the last 16 years, dad's world has revolved around one thing... the son. Perfect! They both had the same focus. Things have changed and it's up to dad (not you) to address the changes.

In all reality, two months is VERY new, so give it some time and encourage your boyfriend to keep talking with his son. When the time is right, you will meet the son and can start doing things together.

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M.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Its only been 2 months. So far, in the grand scheme of things, you are only a blip on the radar. Slow down! Of course the son has some feelings about this. What do you expect?

Here is a breakdown for you from the son's perspective:

For 14 years mom and dad were together and I never had to worry about any of this. Then mom and dad divorced, and that was really hard to accept. Everything changed, and I was not sure where I fit in anymore. I wondered if it is my fault. Will they still love me the same? And I am 14 so my world is already changing and high school politics are also hard to navigate, I am not sure who I am anymore. Finally things started to settle down. Mom and Dad have both fallen into new routines, and so have I. But now my Dad is dating some new chick. Who does she think she is? What if she wants to change things or try to act like she is my mom or something? What if my Dad only wants to spend time with her now?

You get it? Does that help? Your situation is simple. The kid and the Dad have a much more complicated road to travel. Give them as much time and space as they need. There is no better way to judge the character of a man, than to see how he treats his children. Encourage Dad to slow down and that you are not going anywhere and he can take as much time as he needs so he can work on his relationship with his son.

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C..

answers from Columbia on

I really like that Laura said "They are a package. you get to fall deeply for BOTH of them."

I'm going to buck convention..... I don't think at 16, when you are both 40 that you should wait much longer.
The rules are different, in my opinion. Time moves differently when you are over 40. Time moves differently when the kids are 16.

I think you need to meet now. Determine compatibility. Get him on your team.
But ONLY do this if you are in it for the long haul. You know you. You know your past. You know if you are planning on being there. ONLY move forward if you are gonig to be there. If you are ok with all the things that come with a teenager.

You need to get to know father and son as a package. Because that is what they will be. You also need to relate the boy on his terms.

One of the things that made blending my family a bit easier, I think, is that my fiance and my daughter got to see each other as ADDITIONS. So, my daughter got the perspective fairly quickly that he wasn't taking me away from her. Instead HE was ADDED to US.. She now had one MORE person to pay attention to her, instead of one LESS mom who was around. To help her. To hang out with her. So, he was never a threat. He never took anything AWAY from her. He only ADDED to her world.

And I think blending with tweens/teenagers is the hardest. They are old enough to know stuff. They are old enough to know you're having sex. Old enough to remember you with their other parent. Old enough to understand how relationships work.
So you have to handle it differently. He is a PART of this. He is almost an adult. Treat him like one.

Good luck!

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X.X.

answers from Denver on

16 is a tough age for most kids. And it's even tougher when your family fractured when you were 13-14 years old. My DH went through this at the same age. Though his dad might have moved on from the divorce, his son clearly has not. Regardless of his relationship with his mother - good, bad, or ugly - she's still his mom and there is an alligence there. He may still harbor hopes that they will get back together, no matter how ugly the relationship might have been.

My advise? The dad needs to back off from spending as much time with you and spend more time with his son. Afterall, it was the dad who decided to divorce - not the son. I'm sure if he had his way mom & dad would still be together. So why should the son have to deal with the ramnifications? Dad can spend time with you when the son is off with his mother or at other activities.

I have several friends who have been or are in a similar situation. The ones who have sworn off dating or serious relationships until their kids are 18 happen to have the most stable, happy kids. Then there is the 'friend' who has a new boyfriend living in the house every 6 months. Her daughter is following in her footsteps, and has started placing off of her self-worth in whether she has a boyfriend and not being the one to get dumped first. I really worry about her.

If this is really the guy that you might spend the rest of your life with, then take it slow. Rushing the relationship and forcing your way in the door will do nothing but make his son push back even harder. In 2 years, he'll be moving out and will also be a lot more mature and able to understand adult relationships. The divorce will be even more distant, having allowed more time for wounds to heal.

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J.S.

answers from Hartford on

Here's the thing. YOU should not be coming between the father's relationship with his son. You shouldn't be concerned about the son coming between your relationship with the father.

In situations like this the child, even a teenage child, should ALWAYS come first and you should be the cheerleader for the child.

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J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

Sorry but teens are a pain in the butt. They have no idea what they want but they sure like to try to put it on everyone else.

Every time my older two didn't have plans with their friends, mom! you never spend time with us!! You are always going out with your friends or going to school!! It would go on and on even though it wasn't even true so I would cancel whatever plans I had and hang out with them. 6:30 rolls around and they are heading out the door. Oh, so and so called and wanted to hang out, bye!

Seriously!!??

I stopped giving in to it, just too annoying.

Not saying this is what is going on with your boyfriend but you may want to look into is it all the time or when he doesn't have other plans.

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D..

answers from Miami on

Sorry this is going on, W.. I have to say that I think that if you weren't in the picture, the 16 year old would find something to be angry at dad about, though.

Teens can be really pissy. This one is not ready for his dad to see another woman. He may wish deep down that his parents would get back together. If dad is dating someone else, that won't come true.

Your boyfriend's first responsibility is his son. I don't know how often he goes out with you, but it's best that he continue to spend quality time with the boy, even if that means you don't go out very much.

What I would be looking for is what your boyfriend expects will happen once his son graduates from highschool. Will he go to college? Will he still be living at home?

If he will still be living at home, your boyfriend is not ready to embark on a new relationship. His son needs to find a life of his own as a young adult and won't find that if he is still staying at home as an adult, expecting his father to sit home with him.

Your boyfriend would do well to go talk to a family counselor about this. He needs to make a plan and think about the future. The counselor could help him with this. Only then will he know what to do to help his son.

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K.B.

answers from Detroit on

Maybe it would be helpful for father and son to attend family counseling together. The 16 year old may still have a hard time adjusting to the fact that his parents are no longer together and his dad is trying to move on with his life. And sometimes at this age, teens get touchy about pretty much everything.

I can understand taking things slowly, but would it help if the son actually met you and the 3 of you were able to spend some time together doing something fun? No pressure, just meeting for lunch or something similar?

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C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

W.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

This is interesting. He really can't be jealous of YOU since he hasn't met you. It's only been 2 months and now his dad is NOT spending the same amount of time with him as he has for the last 16 years...specifically the last almost 3 years...

His son needs to know that he will still have him and time with him. He needs to ensure that his son gets father-son time and it's NOT all about you.

I don't think it's YOU - this would happen, I believe with ANY W.. He might be feeling like he is losing his dad. Your boyfriend needs to make sure that he allows his son his feelings - they are valid. He needs to let his son know that their relationship won't change. You just might ADD to their relationship.

is his mother dating/re-married? if not. He, even as a teenager, might have hopes of his parents getting back together. They may need to have a family meeting - yes - even divorced, they are still family - they need to co-parent him - and let him know she is okay with you (if she has met you) and that it's OKAY for his father to date!

Good luck!

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K.A.

answers from Phoenix on

The main thing that will make it better is time. Time to accept that dad has officially moved on from his mother, time to accept that someone is taking up time that they could be spending together, time to see that you're a good person that won't hurt and abandon his father and him.

This will get better when you meet the son and he gets to know you, like you, and accept you. However, I think 2 months is not long enough of a relationship for you to meet the son just yet. Again, time will make him come around. Until then, make sure your meetings are planned with the son in mind and don't monopolize all of dad's time. And, when you do finally meet, take it slowly, be yourself and don't force it.

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S.L.

answers from New York on

A good man will put his son first. I hope you're dating a great man.

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L.M.

answers from Dover on

Well, it is wise that you haven't met the son yet since you are the first person his dad has expressed an interest in, it may still be too soon to meet.

Your boyfriend needs to pay attention to his son, he is and should be his priority. Could it be that the time dad is spending with you is time he normally spends with his son? Could it be that he's not spending enough quality time with his son?

What you can do is stress to your boyfriend that while you really care for him, you are aware and completely supportive of him putting his son first. He is his first priority.

Since you haven't met the son, how do you know what the son is saying/doing? I'm guessing dad is telling you...he shouldstop because it puts a negative light on his son and makes you feel bad. Your boyfriend should talk to his son to get to the bottom of his concern. Very often (but not always) when dad remarries (or just dates someone) the kids take a back seat and are sometimes rarely in the picture. Maybe his son fears that happening. Once your bf knows what his son's conern is, he will be better able to address those concerns.

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J.K.

answers from Minneapolis on

The 16 yo is reacting completely normally, but doesn't make your situation any easier. My kids were 13 and 15 when I started dating my now fiance. They wanted to meet him bc they wanted to know who I was spending time with when I wasn't with them and where I was. I'm not saying that all three of you need to spend weekends together or anything, but he's 16. It makes sense that he would want to know who you are. It sounds like the 16 yo is testing his dad - for him to prove that he loves his son more. This is going to come between you if you let it. It's a new situation for everyone and will take adjusting. If the 16 yo will go to counseling, great maybe that will help.

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J.W.

answers from Los Angeles on

First off as the product a "later in life" divorce it really hurts. So much changes and sometimes parents assume that you are older and therefore its easier to deal with. My parents recently separated again and once again in a different way I feel less considered and incredibily disappointed.
This young man needs time and needs to be understood. I will not go as far to say that his father "needs" to do anything because the only thing that will make this young man happy is for his mom and dad to be together or with no one. It's a creepy situation for a young person and it is no reflection of you. It is a reflection of how out of control he feels and how sad he is...I understand that within 2 months as a 40 yr + couple you can develop strong feelings but please understand that until children of divorce are deep into their adult lives (and they still may not "like" the other person) you are dating a man with a child. Only difference being this child is older, more aware, less likely to "enjoy" new people in his life and you are going to be in for a rough ride being the first woman...sorry. Having children of my own and understand what it takes as a young person (whose parents did get back together but they did date while apart) with parents divorcing and dating I would shy away from getting too close to anyone who was having trouble in the beginning of the relationship...it would just be too hard to be the possibile "target" of sadness or dislike...I would allow him all the time and space he needed to support the care of his son...life as a parent is a short time for adolescence and can be very scary...it's not too much to ask that a parent put their social life on a bit of a hold to iron things out emotionally and find a common ground and incorprate the childs feelings in the idea of dating or time away from the child.

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H.L.

answers from Houston on

I think that counseling for dad and son is in order. If he's unsure about how to move forward, then he should talk to an unbiased third party who does this every day. I am speaking as a step-mother to an adolescent male.

One thing that I think was a factor in our case was that his son was just entering adolescence, and sexuality was coming into play for the first time. As kids we don't necessarily think about our parents having sex. As long as they stay together, it may never become a real thing. When other people are in the picture, though, sex is assumed. They are dating and spending romantic time together, and may even be in love; kids have their own ideas of what all this means, what goes on behind the scenes when people who are sexually attracted to each other and free to act on their attractions get together. To a kid who's sexual interests have just been piqued, the awareness of sexual activity involving the same-sex parent (or the one he/she most identifies with) is high. It brings to the forefront their own attractions and discomfort (?) with the whole process.

There are some stages in kids' development/lives that are more optimum than others when it comes to dating their parents. You've met this dad at a really funky time and just might have to ride this one out until the next opening, if you guys are interested in making this a good experience for everybody. It will take lots of strategy and patience. Maybe you can best serve them right now by researching therapists in your area who specialize in family blending, focusing on teens. It would be a good step for him to take for future action. In the meantime, it's only been a couple of months. I think that you should not drop anchor just yet. Back off a bit and let THEM figure out their life. It might not seem like it now, but this would be a HUGE undertaking. How his son treats his own future relationships might depend on how he sees his father handle this one, or just his dating life. As the first woman that he has been interested in, your purpose in his life might just be to open his eyes to the necessity of getting family counseling for him and his son before he really jumps into the dating pool. Don't devalue your role just because it might not be forever.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

I think he needs to talk to his son. Sixteen is a very black and white age, and if they get it in their head that left is right, there's no telling them they're wrong. Yes, you will take time from his son. But maybe his son needs some father-son time that he misses or he needs to be reassured he's not being replaced or he has something else rolling in his head. Maybe his mom isn't ready for her ex to move on and that is influencing the teen. I often find that talking to teens in the car is a good space. You can get a lot said when you don't have to look at each other. But this is something your BF and his son need to work out. This isn't about YOU, but what you represent. It would be their issue no matter who the father dates. If they can't have a man to man talk and work it out, counseling may be a good idea, especially if they didn't have any when the parents first divorced.

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L.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

It's nice that you want to help in this situation. I haven't read the other answers but I can tell you about my experience as the child in the same situation. I'm 50 years old now but my parents got divorced when I was 18 and my brother was 15. They both started dating the people they wound up marrying when I was 19. It didn't matter that I was an technically an adult at that point. I still lived at home with my mother and brother and my world as I knew it would never be the same. I felt that my mother was replacing my father and my father was replacing my mother. My step mother was nice. My step father was very difficult to get along with. Regardless of their personalities, these 2 people were intruding in my life with my parents - taking time that was supposed to be with me. My dad and step mother just celebrated their 30th anniversary. I get along great with my step mother now, but in 30 years I have not been able to speak to my father alone on the phone more than a few times. She's always on with him. I have to talk about baseball to get her off so I can have a private conversation with him. When my parents were dating these people I was very nasty, argued all the time, played music all night to keep them awake, among other things. I don't think they ever took the time to consider how the divorce and their subsequent dating made me feel. It affected my brother too but in a different way.

Unfortunately your boyfriend's son is feeling the same way I did. I always feel that the children should be your first priority but this is hard for some parents to do when they are excited about dating someone new. It's harder too if the person they are dating doesn't have children because you don't have the same priorities. And no matter how much you like kids or how nice you are when you meet him, this kid isn't going to like you at first. It took over 10 years for me to finally get along with my step father - and there were a lot of fights in those 10 years.

If they haven't had family therapy, they should consider it to help make the transition. Your boyfriend's son is acting totally normal for the situation and he needs to have his feelings heard and validated. He should set up some ground rules with his father so that he doesn't feel that his father is ignoring him or taking time away from him. And if his son has to be the priority sometimes, you have to understand that.

Good luck with this. I hope this helps.

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