New Relationship-family's Joining

Poor baby.... my heart goes out to him. Unfortunately there is little you can do if his dad refuses to see the problems. Its early in the relationship so not to far along to walk away. It wont get easier anytime soon. I know from experience. Should you decide to stick it out.... use positive reinforcment. It takes a thousand "that a boys" to counter act one negative. (Quoting Dr. Phil) ...point out every good thing he does, make a big deal about it. Good behavior, good grades, good anything! OH YEAH AND NEVER USE THE TERM BAD OR GOOD BOY!!! ITS ALWAYS GOOD JOB. Dont associate what he does with who he is....

Good luck honey

Sometimes.... a child self-talks that way.... because... that is what they are told... by the Parent.

When I was young... my Mom was very critical towards me and my siblings. It then becomes something where the child will actually 'believe' they are... what the parent tells them... because it is repeated to them, over time.
For a long time, I too... believed I was "stupid." (although I was not).
It took me a long time... to overcome. Because, when a Parent uses words like this, against their child.... it damages them... their soul, their emotions, their mentality, their being, their sense of self.

So... I would be very cautious... because.... that boy, your Boyfriend's Son.... is to me... repeating... only what is told to him and how he is being treated. For which, you do not really KNOW... how your Boyfriend treats... his son.... in private. You have only been seeing this Man for 6 months. And because... you do not really know... how he parents... his son.

Personally, I have had many times... when I feel I have 'clicked' with a guy. But later... learned... that that guy... was just a nightmare. In the beginning... they always.... seem more than what they actually are.
So... be cautious. Especially... since his son is displaying some emotion based... issues.

But still, it is not your place... to step in.

all the best,
Susan

No need to yell at him. This little guy needs help NOW! Abandonment issues, hurting himself is big red flag. If his dad doesn't see it, you could be looking at a lifetime of problems with both of them. Figure it out before you get in too deep!

The only thing I'll add is, be careful. You might be walking into an emotionally abusive relationship. They're always nice in the begining. Hopefully his son hasn't learned those things from him, but if so, this could be the case. Also, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be able to discipline his son when you're around if he isn't taking care of it. Bad behavior needs to be handled immediately, not when dad get's home. If you can't discipline him now, seems he'll just learn to walk all over you. He'll learn quickly that you're powerless and act up even more because of it. Kids are smart and quick to learn what they can get away with and they are always testing those boundaries. Best of luck to you and your family.

I'm sorry about this.
I hate to say it, but you are just a girlfriend at this point and as long as your boyfriend doesn't see anything wrong with his son's behavior, you are really headed for trouble.
You will have to continue to discipline your daughter the same way you always do in case she tries picking up on the behavior. And, perhaps the little boy will pick up some good traits from your daughter.
I know you are hoping to build a relationship with this man, but if it were me, if the boy kicked me or slammed my daughter's finger in the door over a toy, it would be time for us to leave. That may be just what the boy is hoping will happen, but if his dad won't do anything about it and doesn't want you doing it either, I don't see much choice.
The little boy certainly has some issues because of his mom walking out on him. Dad likely feels sorry for him so he overcompensates and overindulges, the child likely acts out hoping he will run other women off because in the back of him mind, he could be waiting for his mom to come back and he may really hope that his dad will pay a different kind of attention and give him the security of some solid and safe boundaries.
No offense, but this sounds like one of those situations where a parent, (dad) needs to step back and think about putting off dating for a while.
You need to think about what kind of men and kids you want your daughter around as potential step parents and/or siblings.
I've had people introduce me to their nephews or brother in laws at picnics, etc and I can usually tell pretty quickly when it's not something worth persuing. Yes, kids get wound up or have off days, but you can get a good idea of the dynamics just by carefully observing.

I hope you get some great advice and wish you the best. I just know you can't do much for this child if the dad doesn't see anything wrong.

Just my opinion.

Are you all living together?
What kind of agreements did the two of you make
before you moved in together?
Does your SO have ANY knowledge whatsoever
about normal child development?
It is time for both of you to see a counselor . . . .
primarily to get you both on the same page
about what's best for the children.
You should not have to deal with this little boy
without having recourse to tools and logic and the ability/permission/expectation to work toward positive outcomes.
Do you have any knowledge of who has been taking care of this boy
between the time his mother left and the time you came into his life?
The father needs to be educated.
I think that's the first priority.
Also, you need to protect your little girl from from a child
who slams the door on her hand.
=================================
Added after I read the other answers:
If you're not living together, DON'T START.
If you are, insist that your SO goes to counseling with you.
Find out who's been taking care of the child
in between mother leaving and now.
If you're in this for the long term,
you're going to need to UNDO the damage already done.
Do you feel up to that?
If not . . . . perhaps it would be wiser not even to try.
If it's the dad who has given the child these messages
about his worth, his value, that's reason enough
not to continue in this relationship.
If it's someone else, you need (with the help of a therapist)
to get the dad to understand how much damage has been done.

Not sure HOW his dad thinks this is normal behavior. If I were you I would keep a very close eye on how your bf treats his son. I can't help but think he has learned to call himself these names from someone else. You may try asking the boy when your BF is not around if anybody tells him he is bad when he wets the bed. Also-please reassure him that he is not bad because of this...or anything else he does. His behavior may be-but not him.

And do try to talk BF into counseling for the boy. Or at lease talk to his doc.

This could be a dealbreaker for you I am sorry to say.

Wow, this is very sad & it's great that you are concerned. I think his mom walking out is a huge, huge part of this. Maybe he needs to go to chid counseling. Also, my gut instinct when reading your post (until the end) was that someone is calling him a bad boy & this is why he is calling himself one. Kids don't just come up with these things on their own. Is his father harsh on him (when not in your presence)? Maybe the father blames the son for his mom walking out...maybe in anger he says things to the boy that he shouldn't, so that's why the boy feels so much guilt & anger at himself. If the dad isn't doing these things, then maybe all on his own the boy feels guilt & shame about mom leaving. Maybe there is a counselor at school who the boy can talk to. I do have to say, I guess that the father may be part of the issue, even if it's unintentional.

Well there is definitely reason to be concerned. I though find it hard to believe that he's punishing himself over something his mother did. He was three, that was three years ago, I doubt that he even remembers her very much. Not to say that he can't be harboring some emotions over it, it's possible, but I tend to agree with those who said someone else is telling him he's 'bad'. Who is his primary care giver? Does he go to day care, taken care of by a grandma, does Dad stay home?? I would start there and I hate to say that maybe that is coming from someone in his life. I would take a step back and not rush into anything with this man until you figure the behaviors of the son out. If Dad doesn't see the issue you really can't do much in terms of couseling or anything really. Do you ever pick him up from school? Maybe you can talk to his teacher and see if she notices these things and can maybe offer help or guidance of some kind. Good luck, my heart breaks for him and for you.

Several things:
1.Yes, this is most likely due in part to Mom abandoning (all the issues mentioned)
2. The fact that Dad seems unconcerned/shut down about dealing with it is a warning sign. He is also be playing a role in this. He might not have caused it to start, but he's perpetuating it by actions/lack of actions.
3. Yes, he should definitely see someone, he shouldn't be hurting and belittling himself.
4. If dad is unwilling to get help for his son, he will be unwilling to get help in the relationship with you, and we all know relationships go through rough spots and need some help.

I'd have a really earnest talk with dad about how the son's actions are damaging. If he gets upset, refuses to do anything about it, denys it, whatever, anything other then saying "Yes, that is not okay, I need to find help for my son", I'd seriously consider ending the relationship. If a man can't take care of his son, he can't take care of you!!! This is a major RED flag into this man's personality.

I'd also be careful if he only does it to make you happy. This is about his SON, and if he can't take care of his SON for the SON's sake, then he's got some issues as a dad. This is someone you don't want to get entangled with, think of yourself and your daughter!!!

I am going through the same thing except I married him 3 years ago and things aren't any better(well not the same behaviors from the child but the same circumstance with the father). Now the only time we fight is about issues over my stepson and my husbands refusal to see that anything is wrong and our differing parenting styles. My stepsons mother also walked away (she's back recently however). I just now talked my hubby into getting him into counseling. My advice would be to let him handle his son anyway he wants as long as it doesn't affect your daughter for now....but if you ever plan on trying to build a life with him make sure you get this resolved and you are on the same page!!!

I kind of agree with Tracy C. Kids pick up on all kinds of things but they're not going to just randomly start calling themselves stupid & bad unless someone else is doing it to them. It's not likely anyway. Maybe Dad when you're not around. Maybe a grandparent. Somebody is though. I would agree Mom leaving is a part of it. Perhapse when she left Dad didn't quite know how to handle it and wasn't quite as mature about it around his 3 year old as he could have been. Not sure. I do think this child should talk to someone though. Someone neutral. Try to stop this self-destructive behavior before it's a bigger problem for him.

Sounds like the little boy is very confused and maybe blaming himself that his mommy is gone even.
It will take time and consistency to get him feeling secure and liking himself again. That might be something you can do yourself... but since you are only a girlfriend to his dad.... who knows how much time you will spend with this little boy. He may have had many mom figures come and go in the last 3 years? If he's been soley living with dad and dad has been dating, son sounds like he's been put on the back burner while dad did what HE wanted to do.
It sounds sad, and you have no power. I call it a red flag. If you love this man you need to realize you are up for a challenge. Poor little guy, it's not his fault.

The pattern of behavior you describe indicates some emotional issues that should be addressed. If his dad doesn't want you to discipline him and also doesn't recognize/acknowledge the issues, then he's not ready for a blended family. At the end of the day, he would have to make the decisions about his son. I would trust my instincts and if his father is still unwilling, you may think about re-evaluating the relationship.

His mom's abandonment is the key here. Counselling would really help. Maybe your BF would agree to just having him evaluated by a professional to see what they think. He needs to give you ways to deal with this damaged boy when you have him. He sounds like he needs a lot of love and reassurance but also boundaries and consequences on the gentle side.