New Husband Getting on My Nerves

Updated on January 12, 2009
M.T. asks from Pflugerville, TX
4 answers

Ok so I hate to gripe and this will probably be long but I feel I need to put details in so you understand fully. I was a single parent for 6 years. Started dating a wonderful man and now married almost a year. I do my best to take into consideration that he was single, never married, no kids and basically only had to worry about himself and a few small bills. Well when we got married he moved in to my house and we decided to combine our money because he didn't think that he was any good when it came to money. Well that's only the beginning. He's really great with my son and they bonded instantly. For the most part things are great. Ok so here is where my frustrations come in. One, we will have enough money to pay all of the bills and have a little left over and then I'll go to check the account later as I'm writing checks and a large amount is gone because he has loaned his brother money (anywhere from $50 to $200) without talking to me about it or he'll spend anywhere from $7 to $15 a day at a gas station getting "snacks & dr pepper" except that I make him a lunch every day that includes several extra snacks in there so we can save a little money in that area. I wouldn't mind if it was just a dr pepper bc that's more like $2. Again he won't say anything about it and when I check the account to write a check or to see what all has gone through there are all of these charges and a check will bounce or I'll have to find another way to pay a bill or hold off on paying a bill. When I have talked to him about it he tells me that I just need to tell him to save money, which I have several times, or he'll say that I just need to let him know how much he can spend, which I also do. Anytime we are paid I go in figure up which bills to pay and will show him ok after all of these go through X is what we have left to last until next check. I feel like a broken record. Here recently he "loaned" his brother $350 without telling me which caused a check to bounce and now I'm trying to figure out how to pay Jan after school care. Of course when I bring it up to him not to use the bank card at all becasue his next check is pretty much already spent on bills he gets angry and makes comments like he just wants some money from his check to do what he wants with or things along that line. Of course I can't bring up that if he would quite loaning his brother money that won't ever be paid back then we would be fine. Oh side note - his brother doesn't work and doesn't want to go get a job because the ones that he has looked at or been shown weren't going to pay him what he feels he's worth. No GED or high school diploma and hasn't worked in years. I'm so frustrated with this and anytime I get upset my husband immediately acts as though he's a victim and I never listen to him and so on. At one point I even suggested having 2 accounts and he would each be responsible for certain bills and that way we would know exactly how much would be left out of each of our checks but bills would get paid. He didn't want to do this and told me that I just need to let him know he needs to save and to let him know how much will be left after bills are paid. Another thing he has started doing is like this morning I told my son that if he got dressed quickly he could watch a few cartoons. He did so I turned them on. When I asked my son to go get socks he got up but couldn't find any so I asked my husband to help him so I could finish getting dressed since he was laying on the bed. Well he got pissed when he did find some and started saying that my son doesn't need to watch cartoons because he doesn't do anything we ask etc etc. When I told him that I thought he was getting upset for no reason and that he had done everything I asked then his response was well do what you want because you don't ever listen to me anyway. I sometimes feel like I'm dealing with another child here. Don't get me wrong a lot of the time it's great but the money issue is ongoing and him claiming my son doesn't do anything or always gets his way seems to be happening more often. I'm 6 1/2 mths pregnant, tired, don't sleep much, and have been trying to pack up our house because we are going to put our house on the market 1st of Feb. I'm frustrated and I know that he is the one God had in store for me and I'm trying to take into consideration that he was a bachelor so he has to adjust to a family and I try to take into consideration that he feels he needs to take care of his brother but I think the line needs to be drawn permanently and not constantly moved. I think some of his frustrations also come from his brother because he's always asking for money. I don't want our marriage to end or go sour because of these issues. How do I approach? Sorry this was so long.

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answers from Austin on

Hi M.
I had to shake my head as I read your post because its the same conversation I had with a close friend of mine months ago. Her and her hubby went through the very same thing with their finances. Only he didn't 'loan' it out, he spent it on himself.
Now they have 2 separate accounts. He pays the more expensive bills because he makes more money and she pays the smaller bills, and it works for them. I know in a marriage, its supposed to be 'together'; but why does it have to be if its not working?
You said that he opposed this idea, but maybe he should reconsider it. You could try it and see if works better for you guys.
Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Austin on

You have a lot on your plate, new marriage, pregnant, working, small child AND a house on the market in a depressed economy. How much can one woman handle? But you are so take a bow and a deep breath.
This problem child (someone who wants to have the privileges of an adult while behaving like a child) will need to hear that he is being irreponsible from someone else. I suggest counseling.
You should not blame this on the fact that he was a bachelor before Money doesn't expand magically for bachelors either. If he was loaning money that he needed to pay the rent, he would have been on the street. He needs to move from "mine" to "ours". So.......if you/he don't want to try counseling, then I suggest he gives you the card and gets cash each payday that you both agree is his to spend as he chooses or loans to his brother. You too are on an allowance of disposable money. The rest you AGREE will be spent on bills and put into saving. Both need to see the daily tally. Maybe put a number on the fridge each day as your reconcile accounts: +$50 or down $200. That is a constant reminder without any tone of voice added. There are more marriages that fail for money reasons than any other so take this seriously and fix it for all of your sakes.
FWIW, I think the brother is a cad, but have you checked to be sure he is getting the money? And is not a convenient excuse? That would surely muddy the waters.
Take care of yourself. This is hard, but once fixed should stay fixed. Good luck!



answers from Jacksonville on

Holy cow! He is completely irresponsible with money, but so many people are. It is not that he is simply getting on your nerves; his behavior is truly damaging your relationship, not to mention your financial life, which could put you out on the street. Some how he needs to figure out that you both can't possibly support his lazy brother. If you're moving anyway, it might be reason enough to move far away from the bum of a brother, although he could still call and beg/demand/lay guilt trips on your DH.

My sister's husband doesn't have any self control when it comes to money. When they married, she found out about all his unpaid debts and she took control of the finances and paid them off in about a year. He spends money on toys (action figures and such). She finally had to take away any checks and plastic money (debit/credit cards). I guess he complies, but doesn't appreciate it. However, he is irresponsible and would run around like an idiot and buy whatever he wanted, which would then cause checks to bounce when he did have access. He even did that when he was a soldier in Iraq. I'm not sure what he found to buy, but he bought it and left her in trouble back home. She gives him a small allowance, which he spends on snacks and such while working. I think he has childhood issues and tries to fill whatever was missing in his young life with toys now as an adult. It's pitiful; he had sheds full of toys, which he thought were an investment and collectible. However he's sure never made any money off them, other than returning them to the store in the original packaging.

Anyway, I love listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio here (3-5pm on AM stations). He is a financial guru, and has real, workable systems for people to get on track. Financial Peace University is an online class that you can take at your leisure. Maybe it would convince your husband of the seriousness of the issue. It's worth checking out. Money matters are the number one cause of divorce, and second marriages are statistically more likely to fail than first ones. Best wishes to you!



answers from Austin on

Hey girl. Sorry to hear what you are going through. I dealt with the same thing with my ex husband. He would constantly spend money we didnt have and then leave it up to me to clean up the mess. I ended up handing him the checkbook and telling him that I was going to have an "allowance" for me and that he could take care of all of the bills....I thought surely then he would see and figure it out, but instead bills just went unpaid. I was at a loss. That is not why our marriage ended but I definetly wouldnt go that route again. I am now remarried to a great guy and we keep seperate accounts. He is in charge of the bills and I just transfer my portion of them over to his account. The rest is mine to spend on my own bills (car, insurance, groceries, etc)...This has worked out brilliantly for us and we have never fought about money.

On another note you mentioned how he can be with your son. I have similar issues, we both have children from another marriage, he has a 1 and I have 2. It is really hard to blend a family, I know your husband doesnt have any of his own but he will in a few short months. You never want your son to feel any less important and I will warn you that it might be a challenge in the years ahead. It is doable and you can make it work but be careful that its not at the expense of your son. I have to be diligent in my efforts to be fair and treat everyone equally as does my husband. Your love for your son is strong and I am sure your husband loves him deeply as well...its just easy to say "do whatever" when you get frustrated and blame the blood parent for the behavior...sorry. I feel like I am rambling and maybe not getting anywhere with what I'm trying to say. I guess what I am trying to say is that being married is hard work, add kids to the mix, especially children from a previous relationship, it is even harder. Not impossible but harder. We are still having some obstacles and I am sure we always will to a point but it has gotten easier and communication is the key.
Good luck to you!

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