Needs Advice for Rude Relatives About Breastfeeding

You can't reason with people who won't listen, unfortunately. I would just cut off all discussion on the topic. Next time anyone says anything just say "I don't want to discuss my decision to breastfeed my daughter. Please let's change the topic or I'm going to leave." Then do it if they can't let it lie.

I faced similar responses when my boy was a baby. I politely told people that I appreciated their concerns but that I along with my pediatrician agree we are doing the right thing and that I would be happy to provide them with materials to read up on.

The last part seems to had worked the best.

Wow! I'm frightened that these people have children and are trying to give advice.

You are doing all the right things for your child. A one-month old doesn't have a big enough stomach to be able to sleep through the night. They simply can't consume enough. But, putting cereal into a one-month old's bottle is completely irresponsible unless there is a medical reason that a physician has recommended it for.

As hard as it is, you're going to need to find a way to stick to your guns with them and stand up for how you want to raise this child - especially since you're doing it on your own.

The easiest thing to do is to say that your pediatrician recommended whatever. That should make them pretty silent - chances are, they're not seeing a pediatrician that they're doing the irresponsible things they are.

As much as you want for your daughter to have a relationship with them, you may need to pull back a little until she gets older and they can see you've done a really good job on your own.

Good luck. You're in a tough spot, and I commend you for trying to maintain a relationship with the father's family even if he's not present.

I have no solutions but you might not want to leave your daughter alone with them.

Smile and say something like, "Lilly is so lucky to have so many people who love her" and then carry on doing whatever is working for you and your baby. Don't bother to engage on this; their ideas are out of date and disproven, but you don't want to make them feel bad about their own choices. If you stick with your own plan and the baby continues to thrive, they will learn to leave you alone, and may even come to respect what you're doing. And if not...f**k em.

Ignore them. You are right and they are wrong. Breastfeeding is the very best thing you can do for your child, and you should never give your daughter juice, cow's milk, chocolate milk, or pop. If you need to supplement with formula eventually, that's one thing, but nursing is truly the best thing you can do. Every single day you do it is a gift you are giving to your daughter. You are reducing her chances of breast cancer. You are increasing her brain development. You are raising her IQ score. You are protecting her from childhood diseases, colds, and the flu. You are bonding with your child. You are doing the absolute right thing.

My method of dealing with annoying family members was to smile and say, "Well, this is what our doctor has recommended." And if they continued to harass me, I continued to smile and say the exact same thing, over and over and over again. They will eventually get tired of the broken record approach and leave you alone. And if they don't, don't go there anymore. If anyone asks why say, "This is what our doctor has recommended." And smile.

Good luck and keep up the nursing!

Maybe the best thing for you to do is to keep your distance from those relatives until you are finished breast feeding your daughter (which could be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years). It won't be an issue once your daughter is weened.

You know breast is best, because thats the one God thought of. I'd just ignore them, not even get into any discussions about it. Just listen to what they say, and give some vague answer, like"I'll think about it, or I'll keep that in mind, or something to that effect, then keep on doing what you're doing; what you rightly believe is best for your baby. Don't let it bother you. We can all have different opinions and peacefully coexist.

Doesn't sound like you can reason with these people, so if it was me, I'd just say, "Thank you for your concern, but I'm doing what I believe is best," and then I'd just walk away. If they persist, I'd repeat myself and say, "I do not wish to discuss this any further. Again, thank you for your concern."

I wouldn't get personal about it but let them know that every medical authority recommends breastfeeding, not as an equal choice to formula but as the preferred method of feeding. Let them know that the advice of the WHO and AAP and every study ever conducted are what you're following. Educate them, not judgementally but to let them know that formula isn't beneficial to a one month old, they they are supposed to be fed around the clock, that no food or supplements of any kind are recommended for a breastfed baby til 6 months. Just let them know that you are following the most current medical recommendations about how to feed a baby. Giving a 5 month old infant soda and chocolate milk? These people are crazy. I woudln't visit them overnight again. Good luck

R.,

The only advice I can give you is tell them to mind their own business. That you will feed your child the way you see fit. You can say this with a smile on your face with a nice tone to your voice. Or better yet give them the advice you have taken time to research.

D.

As my mother used to say ignore it. Seriously. You are doing what those breasts were intended for and your own doctor told you how healthy your baby is. It is none of their business. I am the same type of personality as you and am working on ignoring things. Having it out doesnt work anyway. These people are resentful and snotty. So just ignore it. Nothing really works in these situations other than for you to diffuse your own emotions from them so that you are a healthy peaceful mom yourself. They are not nice people. You do not need to confront anyone. you are doing the right thing and that is not an issue.
You could also just not go, so that needs to be discussed, until the children are older and you can enlist your man's support. He should be able to see that not only nutritionally it helps you are also saving him a bundle of money. Just enjoy your baby. They do not pay your bills. Life goes by too fast. Just hug, hug, hug that little one.

First, you HAVE to grow a backbone. If you let them walk all over you now, it's only going to get worse as your child gets older. Why are you concerned about hurting their feelings when it's so obvious they don't care about hurting yours? You MUST stand up to them in a mature way, not only for yourself but for your daughter. Second, if they continue to push the issue, print out literature about breastfeeding for them to read. If they don't like your decision, well...tough. This is YOUR child, and you are doing what's in her best interest. I also agree with the person who said it's not your responsibility to spend time with her father's family. When he has visitation, he can take her to visit his family. Good luck to you.

Let them think whatever they want you know whats best for your baby and thats all that counts. I hear it from my mother in law that breast feeding feels weird and i should feed my baby food at as early as 3months(have 4 kids so been down this road a few times)i breast fed all my kids and to this day my 11yr old has yet to get a fever. She tells me "I never get sick mommy" and neither do my other kids..yes they get little colds here and there but never a fever never anything that requires a doctor visit. So tell them nothing its not there choice wheather you breast feed or bottle feed...you know you are doing the best for your daughter and thats all that matters. You keep going as long as you can and dont let them doubt your choice. You are setting her up for better health.

R.,

Rude Father’s Relatives?

Not With The Father?

Terrible With Confrontation?

Don’t Want To Punish 5 Month Old?

If you can’t stand up for yourself right now, stand up for your child. You have no obligation to this family. If their habits are as bad as you say, you would be better off staying away from them. If the father of you child has any interest, he will take the steps to visit his child and he can deal with his family.

If you have not done so already, get child support payments in place. You can do this through family services in your area.

If I had a spare I would loan you a backbone. You're not punishing a 5 month old, your are punishing R.! You have a big job ahead of you, don’t waste time dealing with people who you don’t seem to like or agree with….and I’m guessing they feel the same way about you.

Blessings……

Your daughter doesn't wake up to eat because she's on the breast. She wakes up because she's 1 month old. How does the aunt know HER baby sleeps through the night? Your niece is probably waking up, drinking her bottle, and going back to sleep. Everyone wakes up at night and most of us don't remember it.

Don't doubt yourself or your instincts. As a new mom, it's easy to do when you have more "experienced" people giving you advice. Ignoring it as much as possible is good advice. But, the sooner you stand up for yourself and let them know you won't be bullied by them, the better. Chances are you and your child are going to be around them for a long time. If you can convince them you're not a pushover now, then maybe you'll save yourself years of being pestered by their advice. You don't have to be rude about it. A firm, "Thanks, but this works for our family" might help. I would also make sure your husband stands up for you guys. He should tell them to back off. It'll sound less rude coming from him. When it comes down to it, don't have to like you. But it would make your life easier if they respected you. You want to put your daughter first and if you think they'll punish a child because they don't like you, then you are better off not having them in your daughter's life anyway. So don't follow any advice you really don't feel comfortable with. On the other hand, it might help family relations if you don't dismiss everything out of hand. I wouldn't follow any nutritional advice, but if they suggested white noise or swaddling to help with sleep, those are pretty harmless things that you can consider.

I just feel so aggravated on your behalf.

R.,

You are right breastfeeding is the best thing for your baby. I understand that you want your child to have a relationship with her father side of the family but right now you have to make the best decision for her. You have to let them know that you are doing what best for your daughter and you will not do anything to harm her. I breast fed my oldest and is now breastfeeding my second child. I love it not only is it healthy for the baby but it allows you to have a special bond with your baby.

My suggestion: good for your for involving the father, he can come over to visit the baby for bonding... don't go visit his family.

If you want to give your baby exposure to his side of the family, have them visit you, on your turf, one at a time.

Stick to your guns. These people are obviously not very well informed about modern standards of infant care. Poor them, but they don't know any better. Just ignore their chatter...

The American Academy of Pediatrics advocates EXCLUSIVE breastfeeding for the first 6 months. You are doing the right thing for your baby.

I LOVE Sarah P.'s answer. Just smile and keep saying, "This is what our doctor recommended." That is, if you see them anymore.

His family sounds like my husband's family - not to be rude, but they are basically uneducated and ignorant. Yet, my MIL thought she knew everything about babies. We had a preemie and she wouldn't even listen to the nurses in the NICU. I joke sometimes that she caused my son to need to stay in the NICU an extra 4 days because she kept rocking him and thumping his back so hard, when the nurses repeatedly asked her not to! His heart got knocked out of rhythm and when he finally came home, he had to be on a heart monitor for 2 months. Maybe she didn't actually cause it, but I just couldn't believe how she couldn't respect that he only weighed 4 pounds and she should listen to the experts. This is just one example. So we just limit contact with that side of the family, except for a couple of family members who are more on the same page with us. It comes into play in so many ways, from the types of toys they buy, to the types of teasing and games they play. My MIL taught my son when he was 2, that it is funny to steal people's chairs when they get up to get the remote, answer the door, or go to the kitchen! It is not funny, it is disrespectful and annoying. Anyway...

You don't need them undermining your good choices and research. It's understandable that you don't want your daughter to suffer for them not liking you - we struggle with the same thing. But she won't suffer right now from not seeing them, and I'd be willing to bet they will be as eager to see her in a year or 18 months, as they are now. Then, when she is actually old enough to enjoy the attention and love they are offering, you might want to have small amounts of contact with them, if you want her to benefit from extended family.

It has helped my husband and I (you could probably do this yourself, or talk to your family about it) to set some limits, at least in our own minds, on how much and what kind of contact we will allow his family, and why. They are not allowed to keep our son overnight, they are not allowed to drive a car with him in it (they have no respect for car seats or seat belt laws), and they aren't allowed to come over unannounced. We do allow my MIL to watch our son sometimes for a few hours, at our house (my brother-in-law's house where she usually stays while visiting is unsafe for children, in my opinion). This allows them some time together without getting on my nerves too much. It also allows her some time where she doesn't feel watched over. But we didn't start this until my son was maybe 18 months old and we were willing to loosen our standards for just an afternoon. At least when they are older, an afternoon of breaking the rules isn't going to hurt them. A little bit of pop, or a bite of food you don't think she is old enough for yet, won't do lasting damage once she is AT LEAST a year old! And as she grows, you can adjust things to suit yourself and her condition. If she has a sensitive tummy, maybe the dad's family can't babysit her until she is older. Whatever works.

Just know that YOU are the mom, YOU know what's best for her (because you have your head on straight), and after all, it IS your responsibility to take care of her, not anyone else's. And you suffer the consequences if they let her get hurt, or feed her something that makes her sick, etc. So it's totally within your rights to limit them if they are unhealthy for her. I was actually kind of a reluctant, timid mom at first but I found my mother instinct very quickly and noone had better mess with me when it comes to my son's welfare! It is okay, really.

Let me add that contact doesn't have to be in person - once your daughter is older, or even now, you could Skype with her dad's family, or later let her talk / listen to them on the phone. You can color pictures and mail them to the grandparents, send them photos, whatever. Kids love to fold up something and put it in an envelope and send it in the mail. We do this with my son, my MIL gets a kick out of it, and it doesn't require her getting in our face about anything.

Good luck!

I just want to encourage you to stick to your guns. You are in the right, they are CLUELESS to what is good for a child.

At 6 weeks it is okay to start letting them sleep about 6 hours, but before that it is dangerous for an infant to sleep that long, especially through the night. It can normally take many months for a child to be ready to do that, even when on formula (my first daughter ended up on formula after a breastfeeding disaster - much to my despair). Putting rice cereal in the bottle is a choking hazard!!! These people are nuts.

BUT they are family and I applaud you for doing your best to get along with them. Be sweet and kind in everything you feel is safe for your child, and then firm and unmoving when it comes to things you disagree with. Tell them that the decisions you make regarding the feeding of your daughter are in line with your daughter's doctor and NOT up for discussion. Then change the topic. Arguing will do nothing.

Best wishes, it sounds like a tough situation, but this is important for you to establish yourself as not only your child's mommy, but as and adult. You won't regret this and it will make the rest of the issues that arise in the future easier to deal with.

Hi R.,

Stand your ground! You've gotten good advice here. Your daughter's grandparents are ignorant and it's hard to reason with people like that. You don't have to confront but you do need some simple statements that put the conversation to an end. Statements like 'Breastfeeding is healthier.' Sleeping with a bottle can cause ear infections and no one needs that.' Will you pay for the medical bills if she gets sick?' Even something like "I know you think I'm doing everything wrong but this is the way I've decided to do things. If I'm wrong I'll just have to pay the price late." OR " If I'm wrong I'll be the first to apologize."

They don't need you to change anything you're doing. They just want to be right....try and find things, other than your daughter, that you CAN agree on and try to take the focus away from these issues.

God bless,

M.

Thank them for their advice and then do your own thing. Frankly, as a new mother, that's something you'll have to get used to! New mothers (I can attest) should expect advice from anyone (even strangers) on any topic, no matter how personal. Learning to smile and nod and go about your own thing is a skill you'll need!

Also, I don't know that you are, but try not to get too righteous about breastfeeding. I don't know why the aunt decided to formula-feed, but I know that after multiple attempts and months (months!) trying different solutions, I was unable to breastfeed, and that the added guilt from nasty comments from people that "breast is best" in no way enabled me to do something I was physically unable to do. Instead, it left me feeling like an inadequate mother, and honestly, I developed a bit of scorn towards those "breast-is-best" people as a defense mechanism. Even now, I still fight the urge to take them down a notch. The aunt may feel that you are judging her decisions, so make no comments about her way of raising her children, or yours, but just do things your own way.

If you really cannot handle confrontation, and the pressure is too much for you, too, say something about having food-allergies in your family, and so your pediatrician has told you not to introduce cereal before (insert age you intend to introduce cereal) because it can backfire into a food allergy. Then you can smile and make a comment about how lucky the aunt is not to have food allergies in her family, and look at how big her baby is! Turn it into a compliment for their children and they'll be less like to focus on yours. Good luck.

What a stressful situation. You have some great spot on advice here. I hope you are able to put their ignorance and criticism aside very quickly so you aren't burdened by their comments for even a minute more. Their comments don't deserve any more of your time or energy. You're obviously doing a fantastic job! Not easy being a first-time mom as a single parent. Just be prepared for lots of child-rearing differences with this family. If they're giving a baby soda and chocolate milk at 5 months, I hate to think of what they'll give her at 2 and 3 years old! Stand strong and don't doubt yourself. Best wishes.

I agree with the others - ignore the 'advice' I mean how insane is it to give a 5 month old chocolate milk? I have a 5 1/2 month old and I'm struggling now with the possibility that she is allergic to her formula (and possibly milk) even tho I b/f her primarily I have trouble pumping and so we used formula for her cereal. Yep, it seems it may be asthma attacks (not a virus) causing her breathing/coughing troubles. So to just blatantly be that careless? Uggh...
For what it's worth, I'm rather non-confrontational too, but when it comes to my baby, I have to tell myself that I am her best advocate - and unless my dh is around, I'm her only advocate when it comes to the inlaws. I try to let him approach them on all issues, but when he's not there, I have to if I need to remind them what's appropriate for a small infant. I'm lucky that I don't have too many concerns at all, but you seem to have your hands full!
Oh and at 5 1/2 months my baby is just almost 14 lbs - so your baby is doing GREAT with b/f and being only a month old :) That's something to be proud of!
B/f is hard enough too without people putting it down and your baby's aunt seems rather immature and ignorant about her own baby's health and safety.
I agree with the previous poster who said you shouldn't leave your baby alone with any of them because they obviously are not capable of making good and safe decisions regarding your child's food.
Good luck to you! I know it's hard, but believe me, the first time you have to speak up and be your child's advocate is the hardest - after that it gets a whole lot easier :)
C.

On the bright side, it sounds like you won't have to deal with these lovely folks that often. Try not to let it bother you too much. You said you've researched. The next time you go to visit, print out some of that research, and stash it (conveniently) in your diaper bag. When they start harping on your poor malnourished child, pull it out and show them what the experts say. (even better if you hi light the important bits.) Be real sweet about it. You could even have a few things about the dangers of bottle rot if you want to particularly snarky about it. The fact is, you know that you are doing the right thing, and your child is healthy. Smile and play nice. Remember that they are not going to be around constantly to impart their "words of wisdom". Just be sure you don't leave the baby alone with them!

i agree with the other posters for the most part, but the thing is to avoid the labels "right" and "wrong" - your baby is only a month old but as time goes on you will realize there are as many ways to raise a child as there are children, and unfortunately you will always think your way is best ;) you and i would never give our infants soda or chocolate milk (my three year old doesn't get them) but you can't put yourself on a pedestal as a parent, that's exactly what they're doing. it's a lot easier said than done, not being judgemental (and i'm the worst about it!) but in the end you have to let other parents to what they will, and screw up their kids however they feel is right (lol!). be confidant in your choices (yes, 99% of us feel you are right) and just use that power to control your temper and keep your mouth shut. causing a confrontation with the ex's family will harm no one but yourself. good luck!

There does not have to be confrontation. Just thank them for their advice and then do not follow it. As you know, a one month old should not have cereal in her milk. And if you do not want to give her a bottle, do not do it. Just ignore them and go about your business taking good care of your daughter.

Well, just know that you are correct and they are mistaken. All you can do is politely thank them for their advice and do what you know to be right. You are your child's mother and you know best. Keep reading and researching and know that you have knowledge and common sense on your side. You don't have to get into it with them. She's your child and you are in charge of her well being. Her health and happiness are your first priority. Babies get immunities from their moms when they are breast fed. Your child's aunt is too lazy to get up and feed her child in the night. Soda for a 5 month old? That's child neglect.

Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and just turn the other cheek. People are going to have different opinions on everything when it comes to parenting, and you just have to be strong enough with your own decisions to be able to hear their opinions, and just let them be. I have a very nosey and intruding mother in law who always was and still is giving me "advice" on raising my kids. I just listen to her and acknowledge her words, and then change the subject. It's not worth the confrontation to go to them and tell them about your research and why you are breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding. Just continue to do what you are doing. You don't need other people's blessing.

I think I would just not go to visit them until my child was weaned, and thne for short visits only. I remember my sister being so upset that I was breast feeding my son that she told me I could not breastfeed him in her home. I think she was jealous that my parents were supportive of it, and she had bottle fed her then teenaged kids. Whatever the reason, she missed out on a lot, because my son had to eat and wasn't welcome to do so in her house. I would not breastfeed him in front of her, although my mom might sneak in to vist while he ate. Some people are just rude and ignorant. They do not deserve your time.

You are doing a wonderful service for your baby. I strictly breastfed my daughter until she was 13 months old. I would have done it longer if I had not dried up.

Whenever they make a comment, just smile and shrug it off and be nonconfrontational. It's no use to try to explain to ignorant people. If your daughter's father is anything like his relatives, I can see why you're not with him. No need to be, like I just said, confrontational because it will just egg them on more. If you don't really see them that often, it shouldn't be an issue.

Updated

You are doing a wonderful service for your baby. I strictly breastfed my daughter until she was 13 months old. I would have done it longer if I had not dried up.

Whenever they make a comment, just smile and shrug it off and be nonconfrontational. It's no use to try to explain to ignorant people. If your daughter's father is anything like his relative, I can see why you're not with him. No need to be, like I just said, confrontational because it will just egg them on more. If you don't really see them that often, it shouldn't be an issue.

I would have suggested to save some of your milk (dont you pump your breast to be able to feed your child with a bottle at inconvenient times?)
then i would tell that family to kiss a place where the sun dont shine, as they cannot tell mother how to feed or when to feed a baby..
Some people (usually other women) just dont like watching a mother breast feed a child...

Updated

I would have suggested to save some of your milk (dont you pump your breast to be able to feed your child with a bottle at inconvenient times?)
then i would tell that family to kiss a place where the sun dont shine, as they cannot tell mother how to feed or when to feed a baby..
Some people (usually other women) just dont like watching a mother breast feed a child...

As long as you don't have to see these people very often... just grin and move along- you're making good choices for your children and that's all that matters.

I wouldn't address it. I know that sounds passive, but if you open the topic then you are giving the comments validity that aren't worth the discussion. By addressing their commentary, you are giving them a forum to justify their own choices.

I have to ask... why were you spending the weekend with a man that you are no longer involved with? If his family would like to be invovled with your daughter, which is a good thing, can they spend time with her when she's with him?

R.:

You are doing a great job! keep it up/ Trust your instincts follow what you know is right for you and your daughter.
You can choose to just ignore what these people say... Everyone has a right to their opinion!>
You can respond, if you choose to, with statements like: my pediatrician feels that my child is healthy and meeting all of her developmental needs.
Consider - is there an up side to confronting? If there is use you ability to research to find answers to the issues they bring up.

warmly.

P. RLC, IBCLC, CST
Breastfeeding and Parenting Solutions

Do what you think is best for your child. You are doing everything right and they are doing everything wrong. Dont worry about what they tell you to do, i know it is hard but let it go in one ear and out the other. And if it still continues have a serious conversation with them and tell them that you understand that is what they did for their child but you have decided to do things this way and it is working for you so you aren't going to change your babies habits and routines right now.( A nice way to say No) Also maybe you can have the father go with you to the next doctors appointment so that he can ask the questions about the things his family wants you to do and then he will find out that you are doing everything right already and that your baby is healthy. Good luck.