Needing Some Advice...balancing Discipline with Creating a Positive Self Image

Dear M.: What a bright and introspective and thoughtful young child you are raising. Congratulations!!

Sounds like he may be wanting a conversation about how people are and if he is normal. How about discussing how everyone thinks of doing bad things like telling lies or taking things that don't belong to them etc, but as we grow up we realize that people won't like or trust us and we work (it's hard for all of us!) at doing the correct, loving, kind honorable thing because in the long run it will help us be better and stronger and make the world a better place.

And it is good to remind him that you want to know him and will continue to love him even when he tells you about times when he has yielded to that voice in his brain that tells him to do something bad. Help him to listen to that other voice that tells him what will happen if he does something bad. You are a caring mother and you have a wonderful son! Blessings, N.

Isn't he voicing what we ALL feel at times? And maybe that is the way to say it...."Sweetheart, we all make mistakes, that does not make us bad people. If you are truly sorry then you are forgiven! And no, you aren't bad. Even mommies and daddies lose their temper, do the wrong thing sometimes. Just try to think before you do something you know might get you in trouble." Forgiveness is one of the best gifts you can give to your son. Be happy he voices it and doesn't keep it inside.

Discipline ADDS to a positive self image it doesn't detract from it. Self esteem comes from real accomplishment not from praise. It sounds like he is a bit impulsive and doesn't think before he jumps into doing stuff. Teaching him to stop and think before he does things is a long process so it's good to be starting sooner rather than later. I suspect that when he says things Like "why am I so bad" etc you rush in and reassure him that he is still good and loved and all that so that strategy may be working for him at this point.
Praise his efforts and his sincere attempts at being thoughtful and good and catch him when he is doing things that please you and praise the heck out of him them.
Good luck

It sounds like you are doing everything right. Keep up the praise, and make it specific. For example, "I like how you used all of those colors in your drawing," instead of "Fantastic drawing!"

Please talk to your son's teacher to see if there are any problems at school. Perhaps some of the children are picking on your son and making him feel insecure. See if you can volunteer in the classroom a couple of times to see how he interacts with the other students, and how he compares with them socially, emotionally, and academically.

If these comments continue after a couple of weeks or so, without any other explanations, you might want to have him evaluated by a Pediatric Psychiatrist. It is not uncommon for depression to emerge at the age of 5 or 6. My son has been taking medication for depression since he was 6 1/2; however, he was showing signs of depression since he was 5.

Take all of you son's comments seriously. He really could be hurting emotionally. Good luck!

Hi M.!

I too am mother to a 6 yo all boy and have heard some of those same things out of his mouth. Don't get caught up in feeling bad about it. This stage is about moral development - what is good/bad and right/wrong. Continue to reinforce the positive and hold him accountable. When he makes those statements, just say "yea, it doesn't feel good when we do bad stuff. But that doesn't make us a bad person. We just have to learn from it and not do it again" It is hard to make the distinction between the behavior and who they are. So for me, I have had to have those subtle conversations when we are in the car or something. You know when you slip in a very important point. This is great because it is the beginning of lifelong dialogue and reinforcing how they feel about it without shaming them is huge.

You are doing a great job, keep it up. He will survive, and you will too. His self-esteem is fine and will be fine.

It might be beneficial to ask him why he feels like he is, "bad." Maybe something at school, something from cartoons, etc. It could also mean that now is a good time for him to see a child psychologist. Campbell Teen and Family and JFK both offer sliding scale options. Play therapy is a great way for kids to "work things out."

Raising 2 boys, it seems as though society really beats down on our boys. I don't think girls have it much eaiser, but I think society comes at them differently.

Have fun with your boy :)

I love what Helen wrote, and just wanted to add that his comments may seem extreme, because he doesn't have the vocab or clarity to say "hmm, I am disappointed with myself, I was trying but I messed up." Especially at that age (my son is also 6) they have big emotions and don't quite know how to process them. So try not to worry about how strong it sounds, and focus instead on reassuring him that he is normal and good, it's ok to make mistakes, etc.

Dear M.,
I think to an extent, all kids go through saying things like this. Usually when they've made a bad decision. Discipline does not harm a child. And for a kid to say,"You know....I really don't know why I do things sometimes" is valid and honest. It's all a part of learning to think before you do. We all slip up. And yes, there are consequences, but it's not the end of the world.
A psychologist told me that worrying about praising kids every time they turn around is not necessarily a good thing. It gives them such high expectations to try to live up to all the time when it really is perfectly okay to not be perfect. For instance, if you tell your kid 10 times a day how smart they are and they struggle with something at school, in their little heads they can be thinking, "Wait a minute. I must NOT be smart because because I get by b's and my d's mixed up. If I was so smart, that wouldn't happen." If you tell your kids 10 times a day how good they are, if they spill some milk or break something or get a little lippy, they might be thinking, Hey...I'm NOT so good.
Praise is awesome, don't get me wrong. But especially if you have a sensitive child, it's really good to praise the behavior. "I really like it when you're so good about putting your clothes in the hamper. I really like it when you help Daddy work in the yard. I really like that you were so patient even though we had to wait in a long line at the store. I'm proud of you for that."
That way, if he throws a tantrum or gets in trouble or makes a bad decision, it's the behavior you aren't happy with. You still love HIM, but it's the behavior you don't like. That way, he's not going to feel defined as a person, good or bad, smart or not, based on actions.
The other thing I know is that at that age, it's not really productive to ask WHY questions. "Why did you do that?" With younger kids, they most likely have no idea why and can't formulate an answer that will make much sense to us anyway.

Your son will be fine and making mistakes is how we learn. Don't let this make you afraid to discipline when necessary because kids need it.

I wish you the best.

Your son is just expressing himself and does it so well! He is watching his mind and that is so wonderful that he has such self awareness. He is struggling whether to go with mind (natural defense) or heart (core values). This is human nature. Just as our body’s natural defense system against illness, our mind is also designed to protect us, warn us,look out for danger, and make us do things in our interest that are against our core values and beliefs that we develop to be able to live with other human beings in the world. I would recommend reading books on emotional intelligence and recommend the following tittles to get a better understanding on how to accept and love our ‘self’ just the way we are:

1. Be yourself, everyone else is already taken by Mike Robbins
2. How to raise your child’s emotional intelligence. 101 ways to bring the best out in your child by Allen Nagy
3. Between Parent and child by Haim Ginot
4. How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
5. Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn
6. Feelings and motivation (DVD), a production of WGBH in association with All Kinds of Minds; producer, Philip Gay.
7. Boost your child's self-esteem : simple, effective ways to build children's self-respect and confidence / Karin Ireland.
8. How to give your child a great self-image by Debora Phillips with Fred A. Bernstein.
9. The self-esteem teacher by Robert Brooks
10. Nurturing good children now : 10 basic skills to protect and strengthen your child's core self by Ron Taffel with Melina Blau.
11. Raising your spirited child by Mary Sheedy Kircinka

Best,
-Rachna

My son said that at age 3! Broke our hearts! We started making a point of catching him doing something good and praising him for it. We also ask him please and thank you when we want him to do something ( the first request) because I expect him to ask Please instead of demanding things. Within 2 weeks his naughty behavior had decreased hugely and he seemed much calmer. He's almost 5 now and we find that he needs fewer time-outs etc. and is a good kid with a kind heart.

I definitely believe in praising kids a lot, however the praise must be sincere. Nobody is good at everything, so nobody should be praised all the time. For example, my father-in-law praises everyone so highly and so constantly that his praise holds no weight and you don't really believe it. I think he just likes to hear himself wax poetic. So essentially ALL of his praise ends up meaning nothing. Therefore: only praise when sincere.

Additionally, too much praise can have the opposite effect -- it sets the bar so high that if a kid ever feels like he is falling short he can feel bad about himself. So don't overpraise for that reason as well.

I was made to feel "bad" as a kid by my mother, so having kids not feel "bad" is at the top of my list in parenting and relating to all kids in general. A person can need to improve or change something, but that does not make them "bad."

It is a terrible thing to feel that you are bad. If you never use the word "bad" with your son, you need to ask him where he is getting this idea from. Then you need to start giving him the concept that imperfection does not equal bad; imperfection equals human -- and we are all human, all imperfect, and all do things we need to change.

I especially agree with Ginny R's advice.

At age six, I suppose your son has either just started Kindergarten or has entered first grade (depending on when his birthday falls). This makes me wonder if he is getting some message at school that is bringing on these negative thoughts. I think I'd have a talk with his teacher and see if he or she knows of anything going on that might give you a clue. If you can, also volunteer in the classroom. A couple of hours one day a week might give you an opportunity to observe interactions and see if he's getting some negative feelings from the teacher or other classmates.

Are there adults in his life that fly off the handle and make a big production when they get mad at him or do they handle discipline in a calm manner. Boys typically tend to do things to push buttons. It is mostly done subconsciously but your son may be aware enough of it to express it. The less "entertaining" we are when we get upset with kids, the less discipline problems we tend to have.

Maybe you can counteract the negative self image with some self esteem builders---like helping others, volunteer work and donating some of his toys.
Also extra curricular activities--lessons, clubs, classes in something that interests him.

Hello M.. This is my first time responding to one of these questions. I hope I can help. Please read "Raising Cain" A.S.A.P. It is a book about preserving your son's emotions. I assume your son is in the school system? It may have more of an influence than you think. I recommend sitting in on one of your son's classes to see how the teacher relates to the boys in the class. Many teaching methods are geared toward girl energy and tend to make boys feel bad about themselves just for being boys. If your son hears "SIT STILL!" too often, he may start thinking he's bad. Change teachers if you have to. My son has a male teacher who really understands the boy thing. He adds much movement to the class day. There should be plenty of recess. At home, keep reminding your son that he is so special and wonderful. Tell him every day that he is a good boy. And get that book from the library!

My younger boy went through that phase when he was about six, and I just tried not to overreact to it, and sure enough, he was done with it in a week or two. I made light of the "my brain tells me to do bad things" stuff by saying, "Well, then tell your brain if it can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!"-- and he had to laugh. More importantly, though, I made sure that he understood that he was not bad, although sometimes he did "bad" things, or naughty things, and things he shouldn't do. I think it is very important to always make the distinction that it is the behavior that is "bad," not the child.

As far as praise goes, all kids need praise, but don't get carried away. I have an acquaintance who was raised by a mother who was overly concerned with "good self-image," and she turned out to be an extremely self-centered person as a result of being praised for everything she did, whether it was praiseworthy or not. She is also a very creative person, and very smart, but she is never able to finish anything she starts, because her mother never required her to finish anything before she loaded her with praise. As an adult, she has spent years flitting from job to job, and from man to man, and from friend to friend, constantly looking for praise, and tiring everyone out.

I don't know if this will help, but I just read an article (Alfie Kohn, NY Times) about the damage that using praise as a discipline technique can do (much to my dismay). It can cause deep compulsions to acheive combined with guilt and feelings of worthlessness.

Of course it doesn't give any alternatives...

I suspect that it is better to praise effort, and to notice rather than praise acheivement.

On a more practical note, I would be sure to ask your son lots of open-ended questions and ask him what he thinks would help. Even 6 yr olds can have surprising insight into their own feelings.

This may work for Adults as well as children, but only when seen modeled by the mentor...

Learning the concept of “Choices & Consequences” as opposed to attaching labels to people allows for growth and maturity, as well as taking responsibilities on our actions.
Emphasizing that no one is neither “Good” or” Bad”, empowers us to feel we are in control of our actions. Knowing that even with good intentions, the results may not always be favorable allows for Grace Forgiveness, and Growth (of others, and of ourselves).

Labeling people as “Good” or “Bad” leads to thinking that we are powerless to change the kind of person we are. The Label “Bad” or “Good” turns into a justification for the actions and choices we make. (We hear this often from guilty people, “I did it because I’m a bad person”. As if they had no other choices but to do what they did because of “Who” they are.)

When we think in terms of “Choices & Consequence”, we allow ourselves to isolate incidents and enable ourselves to deal with each of them accordingly. We begin to realize that it is within our power to choose the action to take. If our action did not produce a favorable result at first, we are able to see it as an opportunity for growth. Something we can do better the next time we come faced with the same situation. This thinking process also helps us to go through life with confidence that even though we make mistakes, we’ll be okay because the next time, we can choose to change the way we handle the situation. We can think ahead as to what we can do differently to produce a positive result next time we are faced up with the same situation. As in any other learned skill, we get good at it by consistent Awareness, Education and Practice. For most incidents, the natural consequence of our actions provides a good guidance as to whether or not the choice we made is positive or negative.

Labeling people as “Bad” can send a message of hopelessness. A reminder from time-to-time that one is born “Bad” or “Good” helps to build self-worth. That even though we make mistake, we are capable of improvement and turning things around.

Affirm your children when they do what is good. Encourage them to respond differently next time. Instead telling them are being a "Bad" kid, gently and lovingly tell them that they chosen to act poorly and tell them why (when we constantly say or do something hurtful to others, that type of action will tend to push people away). This places emphasis on the action as opposed to the person.