Need Help with Lying Issues

Dear A.:
I find the best way is to confront the two. Whenever she tells a story involving someone (teacher, friend, etc.) and you find it hard to swallow, say "Is that so? I wonder how Mrs. XYZ saw the incident." Say she claims a friend took something, instead of getting outraged, calmly reply "Ok, let's go over and ask her to return it." When it gets close to the confrontation, she will get antsy and confess, as she sees no other way out. Then commend her for fessing up and scold her for lying earlier. Since it is a 'wash', she does not need to be punished, but she'll know that if she does not fess up, the lie will still be there and she will be in trouble. Over time, a stern look at her is enough to make her talk.

Sometimes I am not sure with my son, e.g., whether he brushed his teeth. I may trick him (offer a small piece of candy, then say 'oops, now we need to brush again') or I accept the consequences, but not without rubbing it in: 'OK, you say you did and I know you don't lie. I believe you.' If he lied, he has a bad conscience and makes up for it the next day by brushing longer. As long as the kid feels bad about lying and knows it is wrong, you are doing OK.

Regards,
W.

A.,
I am in your shoes!! My daughter is 7 and two weeks ago she got in trouble in school and I got a call from the teacher to advise me of what happened but asked me to wait for her to tell me and after several opportunities I had to scold her and ground her which tore me up. Well one day after being grounded she lied to me again and when I asked her why she kept lying she told me it was because she figured I was never going to find out the truth. Well my husband spanked her and she was regrounded and she cried herself to sleep I cried myself to sleep my husband cried the next day because he felt so sorry for belting her and I'm just scared because I'm not sure where she is getting this learned behavior. If you get any insight will you please let me know....and hang in there the silver lining to our dark cloud is that we are parents who actually care about this and are trying to stop it. I'm sure something will come out of all of this.

Might just be a stage. My son is a pro at experimenting with cause and effect. He would sometimes make up a story just to see my reaction. Now that he's older (and I'm more experienced) I can just look at him and he smiles and says 'just kidding'. He's very bright and has a wonderful imagination. He is a kid though and all kids can and will try out a lie to see if they can wiggle out of something. I would go with my gut if I were you. Maybe sit in on a class and have lunch with her. Let the teacher know you are watching her. Drop in from time to time unannounced and see how the room looks.
My Mom always let us off the hook if we fessed up first. It drives me crazy to let my children completely off the hook since I'm angry that they lied to begin with, but it works for us.

Have you considered volunteering in her class to see what the situation really is like? If you volunteer weekly the teacher may be able to modify her behavior for a while but most people can't hide their true self forever. Also, this may alleviate your daughter's anxiety of not being heard. Children will "change their story" as a result of fear. They know that they have to be with this teacher everyday for the rest of the school year. It may also be another child intimidating your daughter. Being a presence in the classroom may clue you in to what is really going on. Lying is usually a symptom of a deeper issue especially when accompanied by "horror stories" of school. It bothers me that the teacher says she can't keep track of 22 kids. First, that is an unprofessional response to parental concern. If she can't control a classroom she shouldn't be there. Second, Her principal needs to be aware of this comment. Email me privately if you would like information on looking up her certifications. You have a right to be notified of the training she has received and how she is planning to learn to control a classroom of 22 kids. Third, This is your daughter’s educational future we are talking about. The first 3 years of school will form the basis of her school experience and it should not be traumatic because of an inexperienced teacher. I know everyone needs to start somewhere but the “never let them see you sweat” rule applies here and when you can’t maintain control of a classroom you are letting them see you sweat and kids feed off this and the regular teacher version of “sink the sub” goes into play. Yes, even first graders play “sink the sub”, they just have no clue that is what it really is.

Good luck,
C.

If she just started lying with this teacher, then there is probably something going on. She might be asking for help in a way. I would spend a few hours observing her class. You are your childs best, if not only, advicate. You need to believe her and check it out. She needs to know that you will believe her when something is wrong. If there is nothing wrong, then she will see the effort you went to to figure it out and she might be more inclined to tell the truth from now on. Maybe another child is bullying her or something. I would spend time up there and figure it out. Maybe she forgot the folder on purpose to get you to go up there. Maybe she has other things on her mind so that is why she is forgetting...like a bully, the mean teacher, or something? Or maybe she just forgot it. Kids forget stuff. Its normal.

If something is wrong and you ignore it, then you will feel very bad that you let your daughter down and she won't trust you to protect her anymore. If she is just lying, that is usually a sign of needing some attention. If you go to her school and investigate, that attention might be what she is looking for and she will stop lying.

If a teacher says she can't watch all of the kids, then she can't. Your observation might make her step up to her responsibilies or ask for help. I was a teacher for 9 years and sometimes the stress is too much for some teachers. She might need a new career.

good luck

Listen to your daughter, don't be so quick to classify what she is saying as a lie, and stop and evaluate what is going on. First, she is talking to you. That is the first step. When I was 9, I had a teacher that would yell at the students. She threw chalk and erasers at them. I couldn't stand her, and also knew that nothing would be done. Other children had complained and nothing was done. So, I ignored her. We were on a military base school over seas, and the teachers were treated like gold. Since I was ignoring her, and did not answer her etc, she made me sit in the front of the class in the front row in front of the blackboard. I still ignored her and did not talk to her. I was sent to get a hearing eval and a vision eval. Both were perfect. The Dr asked me what was going on at school, in front of my mom. I told him just how horrid this teacher was. This had been going on for almost 4 months or so. The Dr told my mum to get me out of her class now, she went to the principle, it was an act of Congress to get me moved. I had lost 4 months of school because of this woman.

Is your child getting harrassed in the classroom? Does she get along w/ other children? Are other children complaining of the same things? Can you take some time and go watch on the playground to see what is happening there? Can you ask kids/parents who had this teacher last year if there were any problems? Is there a school counselor you can talk to and have your daughter talk to?

My son did not talk about what was going on at school, and a lot was happening, none of it good. We got fed up with some of the classroom instruction (our son gave too much information on an answer, was marked wrong because the information was not asked for, (on a Thursday), and then the next Tuesday that information was taught anb marked ok. Who on earth marks a child wrong for too much information in 3rdGrade?!). We pulled our son, this was a private, well respected school here in San Antonio, and placed him in a small Montessori school where he is thriving. After we left, we have learned of so much more that was going on, some bullying by higher grades on the 3rd grade, some mean things that were done and said to my son and others, and none of it is acceptable. My son did not keep track of work, folders, or anything because he was tuning the teacher out since, in his humble opinion, she was mean, ineffective, and not too smart. Well, this teacher had been there for 25 years, was well respected, and no one was wanting to listen to a 3rd graders opinion. My son's IQ is over 120, he is too bright, and does not tolerate fools easily. So, he did what he could do...he ignored her and the other bullying children. Result, unhappy child, unhappy school. We're gone, we're happier, the school, well , they have more problems. So, listen to your daughter. Ask and ask and ask. Can you watch the class room unseen? Don't just dismiss what she is saying.

Hi A.,
My daughter forgetts things at school also, i don't see aproblem. Even we adults forget things, or?
We either drive immediately to the school, and get it , or we wait untill the next day. I don't think, that in that age their ready to have a 100% responsability on their things.
About the teacher, she sounds pretty unprofessionel. Maiby she picked the wrong job. I don't think your daughter is lying. Going to the principal maiby maid her change the story a little, cause she felt intimidated.
I would make it clear to the teacher, that you are not playing about this. You'r daughter doesn't need to talk to the principal, if your daughter is not allowed to go to the bathroom, and the teacher doesn't change her attetude, YOU
need to talk to the principal.
And i do believe your daughter, cause my child has the same problems.

A.

Have you heard the story , where there is smoke there is fire, I would just sit down and really talk to your child, and tell her you are going to have a confrence with the teacher, so it would be in her best interest to tell the truth.
Also, you do know she did have an accident, and by the way, it is her job to keep up with 22 kids.

D.

Hi, my name is C. and a mama of a two year old little girl. I know children get a lot of bad rap for telling stories that tend not to be true but a lot of the time they are telling the truth .And well I know children tend to say what they think people want to hear not necessarily lying to be bad. But I remember being scolded for always raising my hand in kinder and feeling unimportant by the teacher. And I remember my father believing the teacher over me. So even if that’s the teachers excuse that there are twenty two kids in her class that not an excess to ignore your child’s needs and if she doesn’t make you happy I would ask for a different teacher. Because it may not seem like she’s doing anything to your daughter, but the way she treats her students does have an impact on them especially in there development years .

Hi A. I can only speak from my exerience as a child. I was abused physically and mentally by my 1st grade teacher. Of course back then spanking was still allowed and my teacher took full advantage of it. She didn't like me and would humiliate me and ignore me. I was taller than the other kids and she made me feel ashamed of it wouldn't let me do the same things that the other kids got to do because I was to tall. She ruined me for life. She told me I was stupid regularly. Back to my point though is I told my mom and the teacher said the same thing I have alot on my hands and alot of kids to take care of and just told my mom alot of lies. I tried to change my story only to avoid getting in more trouble. I started acting out at home and like your daughter lied alot. It wasn't till my sister who went to the same school saw what my teacher was doing that my mom stepped up. Come to find out she had done this to other kids aswell telling families that their kid is retarded when the child only needed glasses. My long term disabilaty is I have terrible test anxiety I never over caim it it just got a little easier. I have trouble beleiving positive things that people say about me. I am 31 and I am so glad that spanking is not allowed by schools. I know that this may not apply to your daughter I just want to to know all views. Every once in a while you come across a bad egg I pray that your daughter hasn't found it in her teacher. If I can help please let me know. Good luck and there is somthing going on that is making her act this way.

I wouldn't believe that the teacher is doing that to your daughter as far as yelling at her for raising her hand. Do you think your daughter is too intimidated to go ask for a bathroom pass? Maybe there's something more going on here like your daughter being bullied at school by other classmates. Could someone or more than one person be picking on her? What was your daughter's different story? I'm guessing your daughter is in first grade now. They are supposed to be more responsible for things than they were in Kinder. Maybe she just hasn't made the adjustment yet or isn't dealing well with the transition. Would your daughter open up to you one on one somewhere? Maybe you go get icecream or take a walk, just the two of you and ask her about school. Ask her about classmates. Ask her if there are any mean kids in class, etc. What kind of conduct reports come home with your child? What are her grades like? There are all sorts of things to take into consideration. If she's failing and her conduct is poor, maybe she needs to see a counselor or therapist. Maybe she's easily distracted. Maybe she's bored out of her mind. Keep on top of what's going on. Stay informed and you'll start to see things.