Need Help with a Personal Matter..

Confused is good. In fact, confusion is exactly where you need to be right now. Adding another person and their demands and whims to that will not make you a happier person, no matter how lonely you are.

Clearly, you have struggled to find partners who are actively good for you, who bring something positive and loving and supportive to your life, and going right back at it (5 months IS 'right back at it) would be the best way of finding exactly what you left the last time.

I think it would be appropriate for you to stop asking your son what he thinks you should do. You are the adult, he is not, and his opinion of sexual/mating relationships is going to be entirely based on what he thinks you expect or want him to say.

You need to learn how to make friends. Join the PAC, or find a service club so you can work alongside people who are doing something for other people. You need to find a way to give to others, so you can find other people who do that. Invite potential girlfriends in for tea or to go through your closet with you, help you sort out your son's hand-me-downs, or to swap clothes you no longer love or fit.

When you have at least two friends who are supportive, positive and who give you as much as they demand from you (or more, which is a good position to be in), you will be stable enough to find a man who will be supportive, positive and give you more than he demands from you. Until you have at least 2 live friends who are in that category, you will be willing to accept anything to feel loved, even if it is pain, shame and fear.

Oh, and stop chatting with guys online. Chat with moms online, chat with volunteer counselors online, chat with women seeking friends online, chat with grandmothers or aunts or expectant mothers. But stop talking to men online until you have your 'real life' sorted out enough to be able to spot the losers.

stop looking... Everyone I know looked and looked and looked. But when they stopped looking, mr right FOUND THEM. :-) Guys can smell desperation and only desperate guys like that. So concentrate on your boy and you. Take care of your self... Instead of worrying about how to get back into the dating scene worry about how to meet friends. Join a book club, sewing circle, coffee club, church function, music class, ceramics class, anything...
HE WILL COME>...
And when he does, make sure the relationship is one that is a keeper BEFORE the intro to your baby happens. Just as you don't let every boss you interview with meet your child, don't let every man you give an interview meet him.

I have been seperated from my hubby for 2 and a half years and thru this I have discovered a few things! Your kids don't need to meet anyone you date! Go out, have a blast, fall in love, go back to his place, whatever you want, just DONT bring them into your kids life. If and when you get to the point that you are discussing marriage or have been together for over a year then let them meet! I have dated the same man for 2 years and have kept the kids and he seperate thru it all. We agreed not to mess with thier lives til my divorce is final. It has been wonderful!

You child has a parent he loves, has no need for strangers at this point. Most dating relationships last 3 months or less. You move on fine at that point, your child is a whole different case. They develop attachements to everyone in thier lives and someoneelse walking out of thier lives confuses them. Your child gets enough love from you and has no desire to share your attention with someone else!

Dont take this to harshly cuz I did do the date and bring em over to meet the kids thing. Also the lets get our kids together thing...it was worse, then they have little buddies they can't hang out with when it inevitabley ends!

Guess what I am saying is go out and have fun, you have more than mommy needs, we all do! Just keep it seperate, you will keep the respect of your kids and family and feel better about yourself!

Make time for you and you will find yourself again,it just takes time! Just never settle for anything less than what you really want, you do deserve it all! Don't give up!

PS I was just reading thru some of your responses...
Its ok to talk to men online, just be careful! Remember that online is a fantasy world and he is probably some nasty fat bastard living in his mothers basement! Assume they all are! Have fun exploring, its a safe way to imagine and feel needed, just remember that everyone is a liar until proven differently! If you ever need to chat message me, I went thru everything you mention here and made it out all the better!

S.,
To tell u the honest truth.... its how u really feel about things. There is no normal time limit of when to start dating or when not too... I do agree with not introducing ur son to anyone until it was serious. About 5 years ago I was in the same boat as u. My ex had just left me and my girls for the second time. I took the time to find myself before I actually dated anyone. I did go out with friends. I got in touch with old and made new ones. I chatted online alot in the same michigan room day after day. I met alot of really nice people from that room. I even got up the courage to met some of them of course in public places. The time that I took for myself to come to reality in the type person that I wanted to be with is all it took for me to met my current husband. He is sooo awesome. I met him online in a chat room. He wasn't a regular chatter. He was just flyin thru the room one day. I noticed he only had a picture in his profile and I suggested to him that he should fill a little bit more out. Like his location. from that day forward we talked for 7 months only online. He was there for me when my oldest had her heart surgery. (with gettin online at the hospital) He was there every morning with the good morning beautiful message in my email. It was crazy I tell u to feel the patience in wanting to hear from him again. After 7 months we finally met and been together ever since. We were married last august 24th and our relationship grows stronger every day. The moral of the story... those 7 months I took to see the world. Gain my respect for myself (after a bad relationship) I gained so much in those 7 months plus a new best friend. So it only took my 7 months but someone else it might take 2 years. It just really depends on how u spend ur time. Wether sittin at home or making something out of life. Like everyone else said go out see the world around u... met new people and when u feel its right ... things will fall into place. GOOD LUCK!!! And go with ur heart and gutt feeling. Don't let anyone tell u whats right or wrong. cause nothing is normal these days.

Hello S. J,

I give you kudos for bringing this personal request to Mamasource community because I have a chance to respond to your request. I consider myself an expert on this matter because I have lived and walked in your very shoes.

At the present, I have written a book that is due out in May 2008 titled "Mutts and Thoroughbreds: A Girls' Guide". It's about love, dating, marriage and finding Mr. Right. I was a single parent for 18yrs and believe me when I tell you that I learned a lot. Being a single parent --- never, never lie to your child. Always be honest but you have to separate your grownup activity from him because he is only a child and he doesn't need grownup situations complicating his environment. You are coming off one relationship and trying to get into another quick relationship. S. right now you are vulnerable and vulnerable people run into big mistakes and problems because you leave yourself open to a "sheep in wolves clothing". I suggest that you find yourself first..what makes S. happy and what makes S. and her son happy together. S. a man is not going to make you happy alone...It has to come from you. Find out what you are seeking and needing from within yourself.

I do say that you do need to give yourself some time and enjoy being with your little boy who is your world. Because he is most precious and you don't want to run into someone that can "change" his life forever. You have to be careful who you bring "home". He doesn't need to know every person you date because every person you date is not going to be the one for you. You have to take control S. and don't let someone take control of you and your life. Find control S. of your emotions, wants and needs and Mr. Right will follow.

It's okay to be alone right now. Join a group, I bet you are a very creative person so take your creativity and turn it into extra income for you. Take this time to really bond with your son and have mom and son outings. Trust me S. when I tell you that if you are patient..Mr. Right will come along. I found him when I least expected it.

Sincerely,
A. Patterson, Author
Mutts and Thoroughbreds: A Girls' Guide
www.dreamgirlbooks.com

You will know when the time is right. Its probably different for every one. Don't let your son know you are dating again, its a grownup issue. You don't want a revolving door with different men coming in and out of his life. He will learn from you how to treat women. Never tolerate anyone unworthy of you. Don't waste your time with some guy just because you're board. When MR. Right comes along you wont notice him because you will be busy with some jerk with no job that wants to barrow your car or money. Get a hobby. Buy a dog. Volunteer. Go to PTO meetings at your sons school. Sign him up for a sport or Karate. You are bound to meet a mom or two to be friends with. The fact that you are asking if you are ready kind of tells me you aren't ready. Don't settle. Save yourself for a really good man. I hear they are out there.
Good luck.
K.

I would say there is nothing wrong with dating, however I wouldn't introduce them to your son. Oce you are in a stable relationship that you feel is long term - then at that point I would bring your son into the picture.

Good Luck....hope you find Mr. Right!

Are you part of a church? I only ask because I know our church has a singles group that meets once a month. I know lots of girls who attend ours and it really gives them the opportunity to meet people...not just guys...they've formed some really neat friendships by being a regular monthly attender. If you have an outlet like that join in and have some fun. Meet people, make friends, go out in groups. You don't have to focus so much on the dating aspect...just meet people...someone I know always says something like "your only three people away from the person you need to know".

The only other thing I can think of is to maybe find someone you can talk to. If you've been in a bad relationship it's important to make sure that you don't fall back into the same cycle. Not just for you, but for your son also.

Good luck :)
M.

I personally think 5 months is too early to have another man in your life. Also, be careful about internet dating, it is dangerous, you never know who you are talking to. May God bless you to make the right decisions.

HI, S.! I would not worry to much about finding the perfect man. If you look to hard he won't show up. If you kind of lay low before you know it he will pop out at you. As far as your son goes, I think he will be ok with it as long as his mom is happy in her relationship and if he is not give him some time and make sure that you make special time for you and him so he know that you want to include him. Some times kids can feel really emotional when it comes to there mom's and new boyfriends. Just remember you need to be happy too. Maybe once your son notices how happy you are when you find Mr. Right then he will come around and be happy too.