Need Help to Process News from Hubby Please

When my hubby and I first started dating he told me that a past girlfriend had an abortion. He was against it, but didn't have a choice. I am also VERY against abortions. But here's the way I look at it... It wasn't hubbies choice. Hubby had no say in it at all. It was his EX-girlfriend's choice. I hate her. Not him :)

I really don't understand why this is effecting you. He made peace with it. He is no longer hurting that he had no choice in the matter. Why are you making it an issue. Why are you making this about you?

Umm...he didn't get an abortion...SHE did. This has NOTHING to do with you. I think it's kind of weird, that your heart needs to be healed. How did this hurt your heart? He did nothing to hurt you, and neither did she.

Let this go, it's a waste, and you are creating hurt, that did not exist. You are making something that had nothing to do with you, all about you. I think the bigger issue, is why you feel you need to do that..??? It's unfair, unhealthy, and kind of pointless.

I suspect you are having a lot of conflicting thoughts running through your head about this.

Part of you wonders about the children that could have been. Part wonders if you & your spouse would be together if the abortions didn't happen. Part wonders if you really knew your husband before this, and what role he might have had in the decisions back then.

My husband recently opened up to me about an incident in his long-past, & I am going through all sorts of questions & emotions myself.

The people saying "it's not about you" are only partially correct - because YOU are the person married to this man, who is still the same person you have always been married to, but now information may be changing perspectives of him, your relationship, yourself.

It's not always logical, but you are right, it is still there, & you need to work through those emotions.

I think posting today to put it into words is one part of processing - acknowledging the information you received, & your initial feelings about it.

I would recommend finding someone you can talk to openly about this, such as a counselor or clergy person. (A friend/family might not be best, as you need to be able to open up about how you are feeling & reacting, without having to worry about the information changing what that person thinks about you, your husband, etc)

It's hard to be strong for both of you without healing yourself first. Make sure to take time to do this, so that you aren't harboring conflicting emotions later that might get between you & your husband.

Thank you for being open & trusting us with your feelings. T.

I agree with Flaming Turnip. This is not about you but you are trying to make it about you. Your hubby did not have the abortion - the gf did. I don't see how or why it affects you at all.

You still may have met him the same way you did. Even if she were to have had the child doesn't mean they would have stayed together. At least you are not having to deal with the child's parent for the next 18 years or pay child support.

So you feel you need to heal in some way from a decision a woman you don't even know made decades ago? I don't really understand, it has nothing to do with you.

While I've never had one myself I know many women who did have an abortion in their late teens or early twenties. I don't know any that feel they are still in the healing process. I had a miscarriage at about 10 weeks. It was like a very heavy period. While it was sad and we had to deal with the loss of expectation neither my husband or I thought of it as the the loss of a human being, it wasn't.

Your husband did not lose a child. You did not lose anything. You should spend more time focusing on YOUR future not another woman's past.

I hope you were loving to your husband last night when he told you this. I am sure this is very painful for him since he lived it, not you. This is about your husband.

I am trying to understand why you have to heal your heart? You aren't the one who had to make this decision or live with this decision. I am not trying to be rude but really, what you need to do is be loving and supportive to your husband and move on.

M.:

This is a good thing that he told you. However, this is NOT about you. Why do you need to heal your heart? You did not know him. You did not factor in the decision. As cold as it sounds - it is what it is.

He shared something VERY important about HIS past. You need to tell him that you are sorry for his losses and then say THANK YOU...for sharing that information with me. What can I do for YOU? Have you made peace with this decision and that's why you decided to share it with me?

DO NOT make this about YOU. That's HIS past. Not yours.

Say your prayers.
Give thanks for the gift you've been given.
Let it go.

This is something you should discuss in your individual sessions with your therapist. I know you say you don't judge, but you sound like you do when you talk about "those poor babies" like they murdered actual breathing children. I understand that these are your feelings, and you have every right to them, but if I shared my abortion story with someone and they responded as you have here I would feel judged, and hurt, and most definitely not supported in any way. So be there for him, tell him you understand, that you are sure it was for the best for everyone, and then save the other stuff for your therapist sessions. JMO.

i get it. it sounds as if you are not pro-choice (i am, hardcore), so this is doubly hard for you. and i think you're entitled to own your feelings, and for it to be about you. a little bit.
i wish you could find it in your heart to be 'fair' to the girl too. she had a hard choice, and she made it. it was her choice to make, not your husband's.
i think it's fine to process it as you need to, and if necessary get help from a therapist on your own.
but please bear in mind that your husband has take a huge step of trust with you. i know this is fresh, and you're still in shock, but you have to modify your reaction if you want him to continue to feel safe enough to open up his heart to you. you can and should be honest with him if this really rocks your world, but please be sensitive to the fact that this clearly painful for him too. if it were a casual matter or something he had long ago dealt with, he wouldn't just now be sharing it with you.
it can be a very difficult path to navigate, validating your own feelings and yet being supportive and understanding of another. try not to get stuck wallowing in the 'poor baby' scenario. there's nothing to be done in that arena. try to be proactive and forward-thinking.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Well good for him, he "now" feels close enough to you... to have told you this.
It must've been HARD for him to even tell you.
He did not have to tell you.
But he did.
So don't, make him feel bad.
He must feel very bad about it, TOO.
It is about him, his past life. Not you.
AND he probably needs to heal, too.
Help him.
And put aside, your issues with it.
This is about him, coming to terms with his life.
Everyone, has regrets in their life.
It can be healed, or kept open like a raw infected wound forever.
So decide.

I feel sorry for him.
What a load on his shoulders to have carried that around all these years.
Concentrate on the now.
Not the past.

I had a college friend that had an abortion.
It was a sad situation. For her.
I was her friend through it, despite my own personal views on it.
I was her only friend, that knew. And was there for her.
After that, she abandoned our friendship.
She just blew me off.
I did not take it personally.
I knew she was going through a sort of PTSD. From her abortion.
And she was deeply embarrassed and could not face me, after that.
Its okay.
I told her, I do not judge her.
I will be there for her, if need be.

Be there for your husband.

Please leave this by the wayside. It's not YOUR sadness to bear. It's his. By taking on this sadness, you are undermining his truthfulness with you. EVEN if you don't tell him how you are feeling about this.

Being supportive of him doesn't mean that you tell him it's okay. You just don't talk about it with him anymore. HE is the one that has to deal with his own feelings about this. He already has, all these years anyway. What he is really dealing with is having finally told you. Don't make him sorry in the longrun that he did.

You tell him you are so happy that he felt close enough to you to share that with you, you are glad he is working on his "stuff" and you let it go.

I'm not sure what you need help with. YOU don't agree with it, but YOU weren't in that situation. So there isn't any difference between a nameless, faceless stranger having 2 abortions and your husbands high school girlfriend having 2 abortions. So, to me, there is nothing to "get over", right?

You may just need time to assimilate new pieces of information about your husband's past. But you have to remember that it's in his PAST and it's part of the experiences (good and bad) that make us who we become. So you deal with it by understanding that we aren't the decisions we did or didn't make when we were young.... But by what we've learned from them as we go through them.

The good thing about an open, honest marital relationship is that the other person is loved by their partner--warts and all. In your eyes this is a wart. He's more than the wart. Sometimes people do the best they can with what they have at the time.
I realize that part of you processing your feelings is reconciling the fact that your husband supported so etching you consider wrong, unacceptable or vile. BUT consider the circumstances under which this happened. Their (legal) choice probably allowed them both an answer for the situation at the time.
Have you never done something that you've looked back on with disbelief? As we age, we grow as people (hopefully) and the decisions we make at 15, 20 or 25 probably are not the decisions we make at 30, 40, 50....

It is sad and confusing. Just be thankful that you DID meet him, and that things have worked out the way they did.

Time will heal your wounds. It's one of those things that is shocking at first, but really you will get over it.

I remember being shocked that my then husband had gotten a girl pregnant when he was 18 and she didn't have an abortion, she had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I was also shocked when I found out he had gotten engaged to a different girl overseas when he was older, but then broke off the engagement. We were married at the time and I was very shocked and hurt at finding that stuff out. But I got over it pretty quickly as it was in the past and there wasn't anything I could do about it!

It's just shocking at first, but you get over it. Give yourself some time.

So, what does this have to do with hubby? Obviously he didn't know so how is he at fault in any way?????

It was not his doing so you need to let it go. Feel sorrow for the millions of baby's that are aborted each year, they deserve the same feelings you are feeling right now.

Hubby had nothing to do with this. Even if he had given his permission or even taken her to the doc and held her hand. It's nothing to do with you.

Bless his heart. He has been carrying this burden around for all of these years.

It is good he was finally able to open up to the therapist and then to you.. Keep in mind, there is a possibility he is relaying this information in a way he thinks YOU can handle it. 2 abortions, he did not know about and did not have any input? Could be the real story is slightly different than he is able to face and express.

What I have found with my husband is that when he tells me shocking, unexpected.. not so great news, I also allow him a way out by saying (in your case).. "Even if you did know about the abortion and were part of the decision, I am sorry you all had to go through this, but I still love you."

This will give him a safe place with you so that he will realize you are able to handle his truth, you will stay with him no matter what. This kind of honesty is one of the secrets to great marriages.

None of us are perfect. We have history, we have things we are not proud of and we can have a lot of shame. But when we are unconditionally loved by someone that is willing to forgive us and support us, it leads to a strong bond.

Therapy is very emotional and takes a tremendous amount of work. He is facing his darkest hours..

What you have learned about your husband is making him even more of an open book and is probably beginning to explain a lot about him.

Hang in there. You are allowed your feelings. Just remember this is a gift of honesty from him..

I'd look at it this way - the babies had no idea whatsoever... Perhaps their souls instead went into bodies of babies born to wonderful parents who were ready to be parents and could provide for them. I'd be much sadder for babies born into this world who grow up in horrible situations. They do know and live awful things every day. These weren't your children and if your husband is ok with it, then believe it was for the best.

I'm not sure what is confusing. He opened up to you something that he hasn't shared before.
It shouldn't affect your relationship with your husband, you said yourself that she did it and he had no choice in the matter (and we all know that if she wanted to do that, he really did not have ANY say so whatsoever, it was her body after all). So, I'm not sure why it would affect how you view your husband. See if you can't figure that out.

In the meantime, forgiveness is a very powerful thing. Use it. Forgive her. Forgive him. Forgive him for loving her at the time in spite of what she did. Is that the problem maybe? That you are ultimately upset that he "could" love someone who would do such a thing, twice? Is that it? Forgive him. Period.

You deal with it because you have to, and you feel how you feel. Don't dwell on it. Say a prayer for those children that your husband and his former girlfriend used to be and the babies that his former girlfriend chose to terminate. Your husband told you because he's been thinking about it and needed the release. He must feel guilt or sadness over it, so he needs your support more than anything else. He doesn't need you turning this into something about yourself... because while you say you know it's not about you, you're doing a remarkable job of making this all about you and your feelings and your "healing."

Your husband needs to heal. So comfort him. There you go.

Are you in counseling as well? If yes, bring this up and get help to deal with it.

Please don't let this revelation color the gift of openness that your husband gave you. They were kids-barely young adults. Go ahead and cry for all of them and for the situation, but it is not YOUR situation. It's only yours in that your husband may need to heal from it and you'll need to help him. That's your role - perhaps use that.

I totally understand. Of course this is affects you! You are a sensitive human being and abortion when anyone you love is involved, is difficult. There are 2 people that are a part of the man you love that were not given a chance at life. There were two young people that had to make that difficult decision years ago and one of them is the man you love. You may even be thinking that after the first time, why a second time? Most probably your husband, and now you, will now be doing the math every so often and wonder "what if they were still here?" and about all the missing milestones you two were lucky enough to celebrate with your own kids. I am guessing there are many more emotions running through you right now. This is all pretty fresh news. Give yourself time and then be there for your husband.
Of course this affects you! When you love someone, their pain is your pain.

Start by telling yourself that this happened years ago, was with someone else, and he had no choice. I honestly don't know why you are getting so upset about something that doesn't have anything to do with you. Support him and move on. The past is what it is --the past.

Shocked at some of the answers that say this isn't about you. Of course it affects you; how can it not? Those babies would have been part of him, and half-siblings to your children.
You will likely need time to process this. Why do we grieve with mothers who have lost children to miscarriage, and tell them we are so sorry for their loss, even if they were only 6 or 8 weeks along? Why do we tell them we understand that they are grieving, and that they SHOULD grieve, that they have a right to need that.....but then we tell a woman who has an abortion not to worry about it, it was just a clump of cells, and wasn't a person yet anyway? Is it because one baby was wanted and the other wasn't?
Just be open with your husband about your feelings, pray with him and for him, and seek to offer him support (and forgiveness), since he might have told you in an effort to obtain both.

I am with Tara. Feel all you need to and process those emotions. I would have had to process it, also. Take the time you need.

He didn't tell you because of the reaction he feared you would have. So remember you are dealing with his fragile emotions over it also. Guys can be very sensitive to what their women think about them. So while you don't need to bury it, take a quiet moment to process. Then let forgiveness and healing take place for both of you.

When counseling happens, you won't always like the immediate process but the long term out look for a positive outcome, just got a whole lot brighter. Take a deep breath, this is what makes a marriage solid, honesty.

Just remember, you can't change the past in regards to ANYTHING that happened to anyone (including your self). So let it go. And remember, what they did it totally legal. So although it was not a choice you would have made, it was their right to make it. So she (and he) will have to come to terms with that.

I think it's great that he told you (talk about communication) and once he tells his therapist, she will be able to help him talk through it and get past it. Just support him. It's really all you can do.

My ex-bf (his first wife had two 3 years apart) and my brother (his ex wife had a late term twin abortion) both had this experience, so I know what you mean. Grieving is normal. In predominantly Shinto, Japan, there are memorial gardens where women mourn the babies they aborted.