Need Help Getting 5 Month Old to Sleep on Mom's New Work Schedule

Not everyone will agree with this, but I want to pat you on the back for continuing to breastfeed in the face of these challenges. His sleeping next to you makes the most sense to me. He needs you and these changes have been hard for your whole family, but he has no way to process them or get his needs me except to cry out. I'm so sad that your husband lets him cry! I do not trust his instincts from what you've told us. Your assessment was correct when you said he doesn't want to be involved. I don't have an answer for that except for him to spend some quality time with your son so they can bond better. Some guys just don't get it! I'd do whatever you could to meet your son's needs to buffer what happens when you're not there. I agree, it's almost like you're a single mom. How lonely and upsetting for you! God bless you for putting your vulnerable baby's needs first int he face of all of this!

This is super long- sorry-
Hello. Unlike some of the previous posters, I do not endorse the "crying out" method- and a great deal of research is now showing it CAN hurt a baby- not necessarily in the physical sense, but emotionally and developmentally. You may be interested in also reading anything by Dr and Mrs. Sears- they seem to be on the same page as you are.
I find that for a long time, the "crying out" method was the method pushed by pediatricians (who are not child behaviorists- they are trained to treat and prevent illness- NOT raise a child)and there is an entire generation that used the method pushing us to try it. Reality is, if most of them were honest with themselves, they probably hated every minute of it. If it does not feel right- it probably is not right.
Looks like you have two issues- your differing views with your husband and the schedule situation. The schedule is the easy part- it will just take time-Have you ever traveled to Europe or another distant place? How long did it take you to get on their time schedule? If you were even able to- it took days- and you were intentionally trying to modify your sleep- imagine how it is for the baby.....remember- it will not last forever - take naps when you can...prioritize and you will make it through.
Now- with your husband The two of you need to sit and talk- this is just the beginning of the road- you are on opposite parenting roads- you -child led, him-parent led. You must set aside time to calmly talk about it- and let him know the talk is coming- say something like- "I think we are on different pages when it comes to parenting styles and would like to talk about it- can we set aside some time Sunday to discus our ideas? Don't blindside him or make this confrontational- its about your baby and what is best. -For the talk, be prepared! I am of the belief that a person saying "this is how I want to do it" is not enough. They must say WHY they believe their way is best AND have support for it. For example, when you present your side to him, have the experts to back you up- besides the Sears', there are dozens of on line sources, studies, etc (I also like Mothering magazine)- about the negative aspects of crying it out and benefits to attachment parenting. Also know what crying it out really is- even the crying it out "experts" do not say let your baby cry till they fall asleep- its a process. Bring the books/articles with you- mark the passages- show you are not just acting upon emotion- but that you made an EDUCATED decision. Have all this info and ask your husband to explain his side and listen. This is key- he will not be open to you if you do not at least act like you are listening and considering his opinion. And ask him- what sources does he rely on... If he just says something like "my mom did it with me....", be prepared to point out that times change and she was doing what she was told was best- but it was a time where Dr's encouraged women to smoke and drink during pregnancy! A time when breastfeeding was frowned upon and a time where nearly NO research was done regarding pregnancy and infants. We now have a wealth of information and owe it to our children to make INFORMED and EDUCATED decisions. DO NOT say "and look how you turned out...." or something like that. This is a bad time to go to that place and you cannot attack his mother in any way.

You will not convert him over with this conversation- your goal should be to get him to spend some time on his own reading about attachment parenting- and if he's unconvinced-to actually read a book about "crying it out" before he goes with that method. In the end- regardless of "style" it looks like you will have to do the bulk of the parenting- which is not as bad as it sounds...and if you consistently practice attachment parenting- I believe your husband may come around. If he is unwilling to even listen to your thoughts or learn about parenting styles- you have a lot more to deal with than being sleep deprived. And it sounds like a problem that probably existed pre- child as well....
feel free to drop me a note if you have questions...etc I wish you the best of luck. And...you should be very proud that you are still breastfeeding and congrats on having an open mind to child rearing.

I did not read all of the other posts since they're pretty long but my best advice would be to start again with the baby whisperer method. I used this method with my daughter when she was an infant and it worked well. I remember reading that they can easily fall into bad habits but the good thing is that they can also easily be brought out of those bad habits (especially at this young age). Best of luck!

I feel your sleep deprivation, I've been there and it isn't pretty. It compromises every aspect of your life. You are training your baby to fall asleep with you, and just when he learns that, you go switching schedules and he is confused. Not all babies adjust that way. Babies don't work shifts and they don't care about yours, which can make being a wroking parents impossible at times. Your goal would be to have your baby fall asleep independently, regardles of your work schedule, and that means your husband may have to put him to bed, even if it is another method.How long did it take him to fall sleep with your husband's method? If you stick to your method, it is only going to get harder to wean him from sleeping with you, which your husband had already done and you undid. The ultimate goal is to get your baby to self-soothe himself, so he doesn't need you to do it for him. Are you ready for that? He still needs you, rest assured! You do need to figure out some sort of sleep arrangement, maybe with a baby monitor in your room downstairs because I do understand that having the rooms on different floors could make you uncomfortable. But if you sleep alone in your son's room, how does your husband feel about sleeping alone? The mother-baby bond is a tough one for the dad's to break into, try to let him into the picture again, maybe he will change his mind. This is only the first of child-raising issues that you and your husband have to tackle, try to get on board together with this one, they become much more involvd as they get older. Good luck, and bottom line is you need some sleep, without your baby next to you.

J.; yes this can be very difficult since we are made to sleep at night, i would not worry about it, by making him on your schedule, he can get used to that, and it would be harder for him to attend school, it is important that he stay on his regular schedule, and to make him a good student when he is a bit older, to give bad habits now by changing schedules of sleep is not beneficial, its best to keep him on a day night schedule, if at all possible, to have the little guy sleep with you and you put him down is only natural for moms and babies, we all sleep with them from time to time, but sleep is sleep, and its very hard even for us adults to change things up , and it takes us weeks or even months to get used to a new schedule of sleep, and we may never get used to it, and when night falls, we might sleep better, cause thats when we were intended to sleep, but today when work takes over, we do what we must, the baby does not know what he must do, however by that time, he will be long out of school , i would put him on a schedule best for him not you, i know it will be hard to not be with him when you are awake, but it would be best his school days is to have a good sleep schedule not one that changes every so often,. any way , keep up the good work and being a good mom, i agree i dont like the cry it out method either, especially when so young, maybe a two year old, or older but at this time they need humans, have a good day , D. s

If you dont let your husband be part of your son's life, he never will and you will forever be a "single" parent. I learned the hard way. He will do things slightly different, however let him do it. You may not "endorse" the cry it out method, but crying never hurt a baby and it does work. If you consistently sleep with your baby, you will consistently be tired. In my opinion you need to get sleep in your own bed. Either you put the baby to sleep early and go downstairs to sleep or let your husband establish the routine and let the baby sleep later in the morning.

This seems to be more a marriage issue of not being on the same page in parenting than anything to do with the 5 month old.

I think you are underestimating the human ability to adapt to changing circumstances. Yes, if you wake him early a few days running he'll have a couple of hard days, but he'll soon figure out the new pattern. It is not possible to get a baby to sleep when they do not need to sleep (unless you figure out that you have a child whose stress response is to sleep, then you just have to stress him out enough), so the goal is to create earlier sleep need rather than earlier sleep-before-need. That's done by doing everything earlier in the day, just like when daylight savings time ends.

You also seem to be leaning toward co-sleeping, but doing it in the most protracted, convoluted and least convenient (or conducive to sleep) way possible. Are you trying to prove that sharing sleep can't possibly work?

What benefit is there to a child sleeping alone in a crib? I mean, clearly your son is noticing your absence and in deep need of knowing that you are there when you are there. Since he doesn't understand language yet, it is all physical for him: you are right there where he can feel you or you are not there. Why argue with it, when you are so clearly exhausted by the squabble?

Your husband is already involved. Genetically, and by proximity: there is a baby in his house. If he hoped his house would stay the same with the addition of a baby, can we just acknowledge the insanity of that hope and move on?

I'm not sure what the baby whisperer method is but i know you and your baby on a bad habit of cosleeping and of letting him fall asleep in your arms or while nursing. Both of which i fell victim to with both of my boys (three and half and the other now eighteen months). What worked? The "Ferber Method" of letting them cry it out the first night while i sat right next to the crib and talked soothingly and sang lullabies and patted or rubbed. The first night killed me for a whole hour i'll be honest. Fortunately, the second night and each night thereafter got much easier. My boys fell asleep on their own after less time each night while I sat just a few steps further away and towards the door. I continued the singing and soothing words but after the first night i did not rush to their side or physical soothe them
It sounds heartless but the ultimate goal is teaching the baby self soothing strategies. I saw it before my very eyes in my boys doing this method. They'd cry and scream and try to get up (they were closer to a year at the time) the first night and slowly start to wind down, rub their eyes, nod off, lay down, roll around and then fall asleep. I was actually in awe at how well they learned to cope better and faster and before a week was over I could go through the bedtime routine (stories, songs, rocking, then crib at first sign of drooping lids and yawns) and they hardly fussed as I walked right out the door.
There will be set backs as with any method such as when baby gets sick, starts to have nightmares, etc. My boys have been there and so I start it over.
Crying it out has also worked well when they did cry out in the middle of the night. Often if I let them cry, they put themselves back to sleep within thirty minutes. They also take to naps more easily. I hope this helps and I know you said you didn't endorse "crying it out" but look into it more and consider it. I know many other's who've resorted to this and it really worked for them.

What is your hubbys work schedule? Since YOU have to get up so early what time does baby have to get up? Is he in daycare? Or can he just sleep until he's ready to wake up?

You have a few options.
#1. Start all over with your training. And do it closer to 8 pm...
#2. Have hubby put him to bed. Yes, he will do it the way HE does it and if you stick your nose back into it he will say "fine, you do it". So you have to be prepared to allow hubby to parent HIS way. As you can hear baby crying remind yourself that he can not hurt himself and he is just showing his emotions of wanting YOU.

He is 5 months old and will learn quickly. But you will have to be patient.
The way to get him on an earlier schedule is to put him down earlier CONSISTANTLY. EVERY DAY. FOR MONTHS.
I found that my hubby knew where our kids off switches were. He can get them in bed alot faster than I can. I just had to LET him do it his way. So yes, I sit in the living room and listen to them do the "AWWWW thing" as we call it. Hubby puts the kids in bed, turns out the lights and sneaks back in while moaning AHHHHHHH like a monster. He then jumps on them and tickles them and scares the bejezzes out of them. But they lay right back down and start a snoring pretty happily. I think it winds them up..... But they love it and beg daddy to do it more. THEN THEY GO TO SLEEP...
Continue with the scheduling and pre bed time routine. It just takes time.

J.,

Does he go to daycare? If so, what time does he have to get up in the am?

My advice is this, you need to get him on a regular schedule and stick to it. If your schedule changes, his should still stay pretty consistent.

He is still pretty little too. Around 4 mos is when most babies start to sleep through the night...but not always. I would pick a routine (nurse, bath, rock and then put him to sleep awake!). He needs to learn to fall asleep himself.

I never let either of my kids cry it out either.

I did think the book- The Happiest Baby On the Block was helpful.