Need Help Asap. - Edison,NJ

M.,
Hallelujah and whooo-hoooo! You are a WISE woman to consider NOT having children at this point! No way, not now, stay on the pill! LOL
Seriously, I don't think you can (or should) "make" your husband behave any way, but his behavior is speaking VOLUMES about his personality, his beliefs, his personality, his ego. Is this a man that would be a good father? A good husband? I'll I'm saying is two things:
First, having children when your marriage is still being figured out and settling is NEVER going to make the marriage better
and
Second (as my Grammy used to say "Be choosy--you can find a loser any day of the week." Not intended to offend you but SO many women choose badly. IF he was a bad choice--another bad choice (kids) will not make the situation better.
You don't have to look far on this board to find women/moms that feel stuck, overwhelmed, trapped and plain unhappy. Choose YOUR choices wisely!
Get to counseling as soon as possible. If he won't go--YOU go.

I have been married for 15 years and have 2 children, ages 10 and 5. My husband and I love each other very much and cherish our marriage...but we still have our moments. Here is what I've learned in my journey (so far). I agree that the first few years of marriage is difficult. Learning how to communicate productively can be a huge challenge. Counseling can help couples learn how to effecively express concerns, work through tough issues and understand how your spouse can best understand and respond to the message you are trying to get across. From your post, you and your husband seem very young to me. You'll find as time marches on, that you'll have less and less in common with your young single friends, whose social intrests might be more focused on dating and partying, and less on a marital relationship and family planning. Your husband may not yet recognize his responsibility to you and the marriage you share....and if that is the case, he is by no means or stretch of the imagination, ready to be a father. A baby will bring unimaginable joy and promise into your lives, but with that comes great responsibility and stress. Expenses, sleep deprivation and basic scheduling routines are just the beginning. Stop and think about the marriage success rate in this country, and it becomes clear that to give yourself the best advantage is to wait until you BOTH are emotionally ready to become parents. Becoming a father doesn't always do for a man what becoming a mother does for a woman. Remember that you are not his mother and your role is not to nurture him, rather to partner with him. Don't confuse your mothering instincts and focus them on him. If your values and morals are in tune, then you'll be fine. Just be patient and find your voice with him. Comunication is vital. Good luck!

Basically it seems as though he's insecure and acts out...like a child. Am I to assume he is younger than you? The first year of marriage is hard. Both of you are testing the waters. Maybe he thinks that he's already got you so he doesn't have to continue to work..to keep you.

Let him know the way he treats you is not acceptable RIGHT after he does it no matter who you are around. Waiting until you get home is not going to work.

See if you can get together with couples that have been married longer and witness their interaction. Also, encourage him to hang out with other husbands to get a clue...you hang out with other wives too.

Good luck.

My advice is to start loving and respecting your husband for who he is. Why do you care what others think? Think how it makes him feel when you act like his mama and tell him how to behave in public? Treat him like a man, and he'll be a man. Right now you see him as a boy, and you treat him like a boy. How do you think he sees you?
If he does something rude or disrespectful to you in public, act like a grown up and have a private conversation. Tell him, "When you said... that was very rude to me. I don't appreciate being talked to that way. I love you, you're my man and I count on you to protect me not tear me down."
Men are ego, that's not a bad thing. That's the way men were created. Women are supposed to be influence and nurturing. Don't tell him what to do like a mommy, gently influence him like a wife.
You are right not to have children right now. Wait on that. You guys will get this whole marriage thing figured out. :-)

I think that you should work on your marriage a bit before having any kids. If you think that your marriage is hard work now, wait until you add a kid or two which brings more financial woes, less sleep and less time to focus on yourself or your relationship. Best of luck!

My advice is not to have a baby until he grows up as that may not happen. If you are uncomfortable with his actions now...think of how they will be when you have a little one to take care of and you don't have the help. If he hasn't grown up yet ...it is doubtful that he will and you don't want to live your life not being social and embarssaed about what he does. It may be time to be on your own again and find the right man to be with.

Hi M.,

I just read your plea for help. I hope you get it! It is hard for me to answer your question except only very generally - since, your question is worded very generally. But here goes...

1) It sounds like you need some much needed ME time... - a chance to go out with your friends, cut loose and let your hair down and have fun.

2) I am not sure if the problem with going out in public comes from your husband making remarks about not wanting a baby ? when you do.. but if so, you need to just make that topic out of bounds when you are out in public. And give him a quick and easy reply so that he can tell others he is not going to discuss it.

3) The first year of marriage can often be the hardest. Only topped by the first few years of baby-dom. I would really really really really caution you to not even think about having a baby with a person if you don't think they are mature enough yet. I am not sure what your and your partner's ages are respectively but . If you have time (ie. you are not in your late 30's with a biological clock madly ticking away) then wait! work out your differences first! then work on having a baby. It will make the baby bits so much more rewarding and enjoyable when you have a good working partnership with your spouse.

4) I am not sure if your problem with "nonchalant and cool" stems from the fact that he does not demonstrate enough affection for you? or - more from the fact that he might be wanting to flirt/socialise with other women while at a party...?
I think if it is any of the above it is important to know yourself and know your partner. I know for myself and my partner both of us are pretty independent people that like to move around a room and talk to lots of people. Neither one of us is threatened by that sort of behavior in the other. But there are times too when I like to hold his hand or stand next to him. My guy is not a guy for much public displays of affection but every now and then I let him know how happy it makes me to dance with him or hold his hand while we are walking down the street. Anyways, know what you need and the personality of your partner. then sit down, and ask for it! If your hubbie is not mature enough to find some kind of path towards living up to your expectations then go out in public without him. And make it clear why. Just because you are married does not mean you have to give up on a social life together. I would cultivate your girlfriends and build yourself a support system so you are not dependent socially entirely on your man. All of this is super good to do now before you have a baby because when baby comes your social life is going to decrease by a factor of 10.

good luck and well wishes. I hope this helped a little bit.

1. I agree you too need you time. He needs to go out and hang with his "guy" Friends. My Hubby is very simular he needs to be with me and I am smothered so I go out with out him and arrainge outings w/ guys for him. He is SLOWLY coming out of his cage, SLOWLY.
2. I think counsling might be in your best intrest. You can tell him all you want but you are just you and if all of your friends tell him too then he will feel bombarded. let a licenced professional tell him to grow up and give him the tools.
3. I would tell him there is no shame is who he is at home, that is "the Man" I fell in love with. This little boy no not what I want I need "a Man". Tell him how you feel and if he wants to have relationships with friends as a couple then he needs to show them who he really is.
4. Kids would just make things worse right now. Sucks I know but he needs to fix him or he will get resentful that the kids get the "attention" he is acting out for.

I am sorry for your situation it sounds so like mine and I wish I knew what I know now and I would never have had kids with my husband. Do not get me wrong I love my kids they complete me but it is not fare to them to not have a dad but a very crank older brother.

no kids please because the apple will not fall far from the tree kids should not have kids get some couseling

Does he want to change? How does he respond when you talk about being embarrassed by how he behaves toward you in public? If he does not see the need or want to change, then a list, a book, a movie, nagging, post it notes, etc, will not make any difference.

You are responsible for yourself, your actions, responses, reactions. The way you are talking reminds me of something called being codependent. It happens a lot in families where there is addiction - whether overeating, alcoholism, shopaholic - even where the grandparents were the addicts. I would really recommend you find a local Alanon meeting to get help for yourself. You can have a happy joyful life whether he changes or not.

Rather than have a baby, I think you need to find a marriage counsellor. Time to have a baby and live your life? When you have a baby, you're living the baby's life and it doesn't sound like your husband is a partner now, let alone a future co-parent. Marrying to escape your family is not a good life strategy, and it doesn't sound like you've really chosen well. Before having a baby, figure out whether this marriage is your forever relationship - fix it if you can and he's willing, or get out if not. If your husband is an embarrassment, that may be his personality and not his immaturity. Either way, it sounds like you've married someone who is not ready to be a husband or a father. A "list" of how to behave is not for adults.

I have to agree with everyone that said don't have a baby now! So many people think having a baby will "fix" a relationship. Babies shouldn't be born with a job. Please wait, and work on your marriage first (whether that means counseling or leaving him is your decision. No one can tell you that). Good luck. Sending a hug!

Before I married, I went out with a lot of infantile, selfish jerks. All they wanted was a mother figure to guide them. Do you really want this in your life? Do you want to put up with this through the years to come? It's already been a year, how much longer will you deal with this? I think things will get tougher for you. If you're emabarrassed by him for the things he says and does, don't put up with it any longer. You didn't get married to raise him, and to teach him how to be social in public, and not act like a fool, that was his mother's job. Let go of this marriage, you'll definitely find another man. If you have a nice personality and are fun to be with I wouldn't worry about it.

I'm just wondering if your husband is much younger than you? Men take MUCH longer to mature and this could be the issue, even if he may be the same age as you, or even a year older. I would sit down and have a very serious and candid heart-to-heart with him and tell him exactly what you just told us, complete strangers. Give him and ultimatum and stick with it. After so many strikes, he's out. If he wants to act like a child, treat him like a child. GL

I agree that you shouldn't even consider having a baby at this point, until you both are fully comfortable with your marriage. You didn't give any examples, so it's kind of hard to advise. As for him acting like a baby at home...If it's a case of not pitching in with taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, etc. Then you both need to calmly sit down together and explain that you feel overly busy and need some help. You have to be specific, because your hubby's not a mind reader. If it's a case of wanting you to wait on him hand and foot, then you need to tell him you are busy at the moment and he'll have to get it himself or do the same thing to him. If it's a case of him playing video games or watching TV, then join him. You might need to lighten up a little. It's better to have him home playing games, then out doing who knows what.

For public appearances...I would really need an example. Is he just teasing or serious? Could there be a misunderstanding? Maybe what he's saying isn't as bad as you think, because he comes from a different environment? Maybe he gets bored and doesn't feel like he's part of the get together?

Dear M.,

I would suggest that you find a church where you can go for counseling together. You both need some counseling to learn how to love and deal with each other. Love is not the only thing that brings a marriage together. You have to work hard at it and respect each other.
Going to counseling will show you and teach you how to respect each others differences, so that he won't redicule you in front of others; and so that you'll learn how to deal with him without feeling like you are his mother and he is your child.
I would hold off on having children for the time being. Having a child takes even more work, and if you are already working on adjusting your relationship; it's better to wait until you both feel ready and are willing to take care of this baby together. Some man think that taking care of the baby is just the mother's responsibility; and if he thinks like that, he won't get up in the middle of the night to make the baby a bottle, or change any diapers, etc. just because you need a little more sleep. That's just one example.
So try finding a church that can help you out. If you don't care for a church to counsel you then try finding a good marriage counselor and go together.
Most importantly is that before you move on to go to counsel you sit down with him and have a "good" talk. Tell him how you feel and how he makes you feel with unnecessary and rude comments. Try to work it out and agree together to go to counsel. The first and most important element in a relationship is not love, it is communication; and you both need to work together on your communication with one another.
Don't give up! you can do this :)
If you like the name of a good church not too far away from you, let me know and I'll give you the name, address and phone number.
Blessings.

I agree with the counseling, but I would also like to share about my marriage. We have now been married for 11 years- 5 kids and one due in Feb! but marriage was difficult the first couple of years(we still have our times but have figured out how to work it out together). You both sound young- we were barley 20 when we got married and we lived near his parents and his friends. I had moved from another state,so I didn't really know anyone. When we would go visit his family- he would call his friends and go hang out with them and I would be left alone at his parents house(his parents would be at work). It was very lonely and frustrating.
It did get better as we had kids and the 2 hour drive was more difficult to do- but what really helped with us was moving out of state for 5 years. We were able to visit family once or twice a year, but other than that- we had to depend on each other. We couldn't run home to mommy or daddy- WE had to be the grown-ups. It sounds like he hasn't' come to that conclusion yet. You need to be his wife and not his mom- I think counseling will help with that- but you also need to stop being embarrassed by him. You two need to focus on each other- not every one else and how others think of you. It's work, but it's worth it!
God Bless!
~C.

You didn't mention how old your husband is, so it's hard to say if he will mature or if this is just his personality. How did he act before you got married? Has his behavior changed? I have to agree w/others who say he may not change. I also agree you should wait to have a baby. If he is not capable of changing, you will essentially end up w/two babies to care for! Having said that, he may very well be capable of changing. I would agree w/seeking counseling. It will let him know how serious this is to you, and let you see his true colors. If he won't go, that should tell you something! If things don't change only you can decide if you can live that way. Either way, it's good that you realize now. You can try to do something about it. Good luck!