Need Help, Am I Being a Bad Mom?

My advice to you is to take it one step at a time. My son slept in the same room with my husband and I until he was 9 mth. It was really rough for the first week after we put him in his own room. I hardly got any sleep. My son is now 2 1/2 yrs.old and is in a bed with a half wall and in the morning when he wakes up he comes and gets me up. It is really nice that I don't have to lift him out of bed every morning. This situation has pros and cons. A pro is that if you put her into a bed with half walls then she could get out of bed herself and come get you up in the mornings. The con is that you would have to depend on a monitor. The only thing you can do is to weight the opinons and decide what the best one for you is. I hope I have helped.

I think that babys grow so fast and you dont get these years back. So keep them close and enjoy them while you can. My little girl is 4 and she is in my room and my son sleeps in a bassinet in my room. My hubby and I wouldnt have it anyother way.

YOU ARE NOT IN ANY WAY A BAD MOM...I am a single mom and my daughter slept in my room in her crib until she was about 2 1/2. I put her in her own room in a day bed with a removable rail that extended out and shortened to be taken on trips. It worked out very well for me because she was able to get in and out of her own bed and come to get me when she got up in the morning or needed me in the night. Putting her into her own room will let her start to be a little independent and will let her learn to sleep by herself. I also have night lights all over the house so that she doesn't have to be afraid to get up in the night if she happens to have a bad dream. Hope this helps
G.

Sometimes I read the posts and just sit there and think "What is the rush with everyone"? Kids are only young once and so many people rush kids to potty train or force them to move to their own bed/room and it becomes such a battle. Who in their right mind wants to live like that and what memories will that child have of their childhood.

If you are a bad mom then so am I. K still sleeps with me (she has her own room and loves it) and J sleeps in a crib at the end of the bed. When my new grand baby comes to visit she sleeps in a portable playpen beside the bed. I don't know how many times I've been woke up to the sound of puking, diarrhea filling a diaper, or have been woken up from a sound sleep by a restless child and went to tuck in a blanket to find that child burning up with fever.

Have fun with your children and enjoy them is my motto now. Don't worry, it sounds like you are doing fine.

Gina

You are NOT a bad mom!!! Our culture tells us that separating our children, in so many ways, is the right thing, and that we are bad mothers if our instincts take us in another direction. Listen to your God-given instincts. For years I felt like a horrible mom for letting my child sleep in our room (we were at my in-laws' house, and had relatives every weekend sleeping in her room, so she wound up in our room). I didn't let my kids cry it out, and I did hold them when they cried. I read a book called "The Family Bed," a book which talks about a lot of other issues as well, and learned that I really was doing the right things in many areas (even though they were at odds with conventional wisdom and Parenting magazine) and that what I was doing was closer to what has been done in most cultures and for most of human history.
And the evidence that I did the right thing for my family? The 2 oldest are now 15 and 16, and are wonderful, secure, thoughtful, GOOD kids. I don't regret a bit spending the time with them when they were little. It's a lot like financial investments. Sacrifices made in the beginning pay BIG rewards later on.
Best wishes for you and your precious little one who is blessed to have such a great mom!
T. in Birmingham
mother of 4

All good parents will tell you that we all feel this unbelievable amount of love for our children. However, we can't be so scared that something will happen that we affect the person they become. She needs to become an independent little girl who will feel confident and you are her biggest role model. She needs to see you being strong for her. There is no need for monitors unless you sleep too far from her room to hear her. Help her to grow up strong and confident, not clingy and insecure. She will be much happier and this is what we mothers strive for.

Sounds to me like you are a great mom! Since you say you and your husband don't have a problem with it, don't let anyone else make you feel bad about it. DS slept with us when he was a baby. It was easier for me nursing...I didn't have to get up as much. When he moved to his toddler bed, it was in our room. I can't even remember when he first moved to his own room, but one of us usually layed down with him until he went to sleep. Guess what?! It didn't hurt him any. He is able to go to sleep on his own. Shortly after DH & I got married, my DD from my first marriage had trouble sleeping. We had a sleeping bag under our bed and if she couldn't fall asleep, she would come into our room and pull out the sleeping bag. She wouldn't even wake us up, but she had an emotional need to be close to us. She was about 11 when she stopped coming in. Some people thought we were crazy, but it didn't bother us, and she is now grown and married. I can't see that it hurt her in any way...just made her feel safe in a new situation. Always do what is best for your family...don't worry what others are doing or tell you to do.

~A.~

My little girl is 2 1/2 and i just moved her to her own room. She was a restless sleeper in her crib when we had all rails, but since we have converted it to a daybed she has had no problems. It took me a week or 2 to get used to it i would put pillows and blankets under incase she did roll out but she never did. She does wake up every couple of days wanting back in the bed with us but i go lay her down and lay on the floor next to her bed until she's asleep again. And your not a bad mom, your just a mom and we worry, it's what we do, so it's whatever you feel more comfortable with.

You aren't a bad mom. Children used to stay in cribs til they were several years old. The time for moving them into toddler beds is when they try to climb out of the crib, or when you feel like it. You may want to gradually get her moved to her own room nearby with the doors open or a baby moniter on, because as she gets older, you won't want her in your room, and it will be harder to move her.

I have three children and they all slept in our room till they were three. I had the toddler bed next to our bed. When they turned three they moved into their own room/ We have not had any problems. P.S. they also nursed till they were three. all three of them./

No, you are not being a bad mom!!! This is a matter of opinion -- if her being in your room doesn't bother you or your husband, and your marriage isn't suffering because of it, leave her there. Everyone does this differently. We never allowed ours in our room past about four months, because neither one of us could stand it. Others believe that a child needs to stay in the room (or bed) for security reasons. The fact of the matter is that there is no right or wrong here. As long as you and your husband are satisfied with the arrangement, don't worry about it. Transfer her to a regular bed when you are comfortable with it. If it helps, we always started our boys off in a mattress on the floor so it wouldn't be that far to fall. Once they got used to it, they were fine. Haven't had one fall yet. =-)

It's so easy to second-guess yourself as a mother all the time. We live in constant guilt, it seems. Don't worry about this. You are doing a great job!!

Do it when you and your husband are ready. My husband was ready sooner because it did interfere with our intimacy. I never intended to co-sleep but my firstborn would only sleep with a warm body next to him. I received the looks too when people would hear about it but now I have my 3rd child and am proud that I was able to "step outside the box" with my first and give him what he needed. We decided to transition my firstborn when he was 14 months because he wanted to nurse all night long & it was getting difficult on me. He absolutely refused cribs from the day he was born so we converted his into the toddler bed (it had a guard rail). Then, we moved a twin mattress in his nursery & put it on the floor for safety. When he would wake, he never got out of his bed which I was thankful for. If it had been a few hours, I would go to his room & nurse/sleep with him on the mattress. If I woke up, I would move him back to his bed & return to mine. Other times, my husband would go sleep with him. We did that for about 8 months and then when he was waking much less & we weaned him from night nursing (I say "we" because my husband had to be the primary caregiver at night during that process), we removed the mattress. It was definitely a process but it created a GREAT sleeper. We rarely see him in the middle of the night. Because of our experience with him, we prepared ourselves to co-sleep with our next two. However, they wanted little to do with it & were sleeping in their own beds & rooms much earlier. It all depends on the personalities & needs of the individual. Just don't do things suddenly & be patient. God bless you and your family.

As for the crib. leave her in it as long as she likes it and isn't flipping over the side. We set up a twin bed for my son when he was almost 3 in his room with his crib. He didn't sleep in it everynight until he was well over 3 1/2. my bff's friends stay in until 4 if they want. it is up to each child and parent. there is nothing wrong with it and I am with you that they are secure and safe. as for the crib in your room, I would think now is the time before she is even more attached to sleeping in your room. you might need to get her a white air machine in her room as she is not used to such quiet. and of course they make babymonitors with camera's these days. my sister didn't mover her little guy out and he naturally transistioned to their bed and was finally out at 8. we are bed sleepers. our son sleeps with us about once a eweek. we like you don't mind but all of the time would not work as the foot in the back in comfy all the time.

H., Do things at your own pace and the pace that is right for your child. No one knows better than you what it is she needs. Our 2 1/2 year old just went into a bed in her own room (simply becasue we had to give back the borrowed crib, otherwise she'd still be in it!). She never challanged the crib or tried to crawl out, and also slept all over the place. She has a gaurd rail on the bed which bounces her back from the side.

If your relationship with your husband is not suffering and you want her with you...keep her with you! Possibly put her down for naps in her room and night time sleep with you? DO it at your own pace. As long as she is out by the teenage years, your therapist bills shouln't be too big..haha.

You're definitely not a bad mom, but the time comes eventually (sooner or later) for every mom to put their little angels in their own beds in their own room. It's not going to hurt you any less down the road, and definitely not your child. I can't tell you how many people (including myself) realized how much better their children slept after moving them to another room and how bad they felt for not realizing that sooner. I have 4 children, 2 of which were like your little girl and would curl up to the side. I used toddler beds on all of my boys (my girl is still a baby). There were a few times when they would fall off, but they were so close to the ground, it never bothered them. I also never ran in to help them at every call, cry or sniffle (and still don't), and they're perfectly happy and loving children (in fact, everyone is always telling me how happy all of my children and babies always are). They don't feel a lack of love or attention, and we've only had 1 trip to the hospital so far (knock on wood), and that was because someone that was holding one of them dropped him on his head. All of my children were in another room by the time they were 4-6 months old except for my princess. I didn't have her in her own room because we moved and our room is FAR on the other side of a long house from the kids' rooms. We kept her in our room until she was 8months old. None of us were getting full nights of sleep until we decided to move her. When we moved her, she had the first full non-awaking night sleep she'd had. I've known several people to wait until their children were 2, 3 & 4 then realized after moving them that they had been doing more damage to their children than good. At the other house, when the kids were across the hall, I didn't even use a monitor after the first several months with #1. I don't use a monitor with the others (even after moving into the new house), except for the baby, and I usually use a video monitor with the sound turned off. Every now and then, she'll wake up crying in the middle of the night (she'd go right back to sleep within a few minutes), so we started turning the sound off at night (if she cries for a long time, one of the boys would come and get us, but that's only happened a couple of times when she was sick).
I'll also add that I started off being completely in attachment parenting, but the sleep thing just wasn't going to happen. I slinged and pouched my kids, I cloth diapered, I home school, etc, but I realized that my children sleeping with me or even in my room until they were 2-6yrs old just was not what was best for any of us. If other parents want to do it, and it works well for them, great, but I have realized from my own experience and that of my friends, that the younger they are when they are made to sleep alone, the easier it is on everyone. I don't feel there's any right or wrong way, people are different, but this my experience.

Good Luck!

K.
SAHM of 4 (6,5,3 & 11mos)

My daughter is six and up until last week she slept in my room in her own bed...It made me feel safer and it made her feel safe, now that she is in her own room we are both a little scared for our own reasons...
I don't think you are a bad mom, I think it is wonderful that you love your daughter so deeply and truly respect the miracle she is...she is lucky to have you.

As you as both you and your husband are fine with having her in your room, I'd let her stay there as long as she needs. Eventually you'll be ready (or she'll be ready) for her own room.

I think you should do whatever feels right to you. If you like having her near you then let her stay. I had two kids in bed with us for 4 years and they turned out fine. The easiest way for me to get them in thier own rooms was to wait until they went to sleep and then carry them in. But they were 4 so I was more confident that they could stay in their rooms by themselves. So I guess what I am saying is that you shouldn't feel bad about having her in the room with you, it is your child so it is your decision to make. Hang in there. It does get easier, then they go away to college and you have a whole new set of worries, hehe.

Hi H.,
I have an 18 month old who has slept in his own room since he was 2 months old. I know that you are worried about her not being close but us moms... we have a special, extra sense. I even quit using a baby monitor because I didn't need it. Any time he wakes up, I'm up. (or I'm trying to wake his daddy up!!!) Luke is still in his crib, we have no plans to convert it to the toddler bed any time soon.
Try moving her crib to her room and get a fancy baby monitor. You will find that she will be okay, and you will too! It may even be harder on you then her! But it will definatly be easier now, rather then later.
One thing I've discovered is that I love my son dearly but his dad and I need our together space. You aren't a bad mom!
Good luck with the move, if thats what you decide to do!
God Bless!
S.

I think you have to do what feels right to you, your husband, & daughter. We lived in a not so good neighborhood when my first daughter was little, and she slept in her crib in our room. She is 7 now and doesn't seem damaged by it at all. Some child develope specialists say it is great to have your kids in your room others say it's not. Like pretty much everything else I don't think they have a CLUE!!! If it makes you worried to have her in the other room you won't sleep well then you won't be able to give her your full mommy potential. So put that little one in your room and sleep safe knowing she is close.

You are not a bad mom. You feel what all of us feel...an urgent desire to care for and protect our children. Both of my son's were preemies and due to reflux had trouble sleeping. I held them at night for several months and thought it was the best thing I could do. Yet, they were still tired and fussy the next day. So when they were a little bigger, we slept in a bed together. Still the same...waking up every so often and tired the next day. One day I read or heard this..."How do you feel when you wake up every few hours? Rested? No, you're exhausted. Your child is the same way." They need long, uninterrupted periods of sleep. Being in the room with others causes many more "wake-ups." That finally clicked with me. I was actually harming my children's growth and development by depriving them of long uninterrupted sleep. It was NOT easy at first, but after a week or so they were SO MUCH HAPPIER. It's so hard, but go ahead and work on getting her in her room. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Set up a bedtime routine so that each night is predictable. We do dinner, play, bath, dress for bed, 1 story, 3 songs, in the bed when drowsy. Pick a number for your books and songs because your daughter is old enough to begin trying to drag out bedtime by requesting one more book or one more song until 1 book becomes 5 and 3 songs becomes 10 and she's doing everything to avoid going to bed. Sticking with the routine from the beginning will make it predictable and easy. She's even big enough to help you pick a routine. The best thing is they make great monitors. I have a Graco i monitor (I think). It's the $89.99 one. I can hear them breathing on it so I wake up every so often, listen for breathing, and go back to sleep. Also, my husband has some flashlights with varying lights (red, white, bright, etc.). I use the red light to go in and check on the boys before I go to bed. It's enough to see, but not bright enough to disturb their sleep. Good luck and be patient. It will take time.

A good age to move her to her own room was at 3 mos. (that is not meant to be judgemental just lighthearted) I think at this age you are going to have trouble getting her to sleep in her own room, but since she's still in her crib and not in your bed it can be done. I don't know that this is a bad thing, but she can't sleep in your room forever, right? And if you wait until she's 4 or 5 it will get harder to move her to her own room. I've read in parenting books that babies will sleep better in a room by themselves, but I dont know if that applies to toddlers. If you get her a toddler bed and put it in her room she may want to sleep in it. Some have short rails down about 1/3 of the side of the bed, and they are only a few inches from the floor so if she fell out she wouldn't get hurt. Also if she is in a toddler bed she can get out in the morning and come to your room, which is a really nice way to wake up. (As long as she is not upstairs and you downstairs-she still may be too little to manuver them 1st thing in the am) Also if you involve her in picking out her bed and new sheets and a pillow or whatever she may be more willing to sleep in her own room.
Yes, I think you're crazy, but it's way crazier to have a 4 or 5 year old sleeping in your bed-good for you keeping her in a crib!

no way are you a bad mom!!! she is still just a baby. if you and your husband want her in your room that is fine. she is your baby and you know what will make you and her sleep at night. you are a good mom and you will know when she should go to her room. my 4 year old still tries to sleep with me. but she has a sister and can sleep in their room. if it were just her i probably would just let her in my bed so it all depends on you, everyone is different. she is a precious gift and you are a good mom so just do what feels right for you!!! good luck

It sounds like you are a great mom that loves her daughter very much. Co-sleeping is a personal decision and it works for us! My girls are almost 15, 5 and 3 and the two little ones still sleep with us. My oldest daughter slept with us until she was about 6 and then she decided she was ready to move to her own bed. I know there are so many people out there that think we are crazy for doing this but it works for us and I feel like we all sleep better. I do not worry about anyone abducting them from their rooms at night, the house catching on fire and being unable to reach them, or about them waking up scared. I love waking up in the morning to a little one rubbing my cheek saying "you are so pretty mommy!"....what an incredible way to start your day! We do not have any bedtime/nighttime issues like so many people experience and I don't have to get up during the night a million times for bad dreams, drinks of water, etc. I know people may think it puts a damper on our sex life but that is ridiculous! If it is working for you then I would just stick with it....you only get these early years one time in your life so you should enjoy every minute. She will have her whole life to sleep in a big bed in another room but for now just snuggle and love her like you have been doing!

Relax H.. You are not being a bad Mom. You obviously love your little girl a lot. It is good for her and you and hubby for her to have her own room. For my 2 yr. old granddaughter, We got a low double bed with a with a bunky boad on it. It takes the place of a box spring and a regular mattress goes on it. I also put an egg crate pad from Walmart on it. It really wasn't too expensive and it is so comfortable we all like it. Also great for my Mother in law who has rheumatoid arthritis and has a hard time getting in and out of bed. It is low, so easier to get in and out of. My granddaughter is over often and we had a crib, but when she transitioned from a crib to bed at home, we decided to do the same here. She loves it. We have a CD player with some easy lullaby and Classical music for her to listen to. I have it against a wall and got a long pillow that I keep on the other side. It keeps her from rolling off. We made a big deal of it to her and let her know we bought her a special present and told her how good she would sleep in her special new bed. We do keep a monitor in her room so we can hear her if she were to wake up during the night and we always got her used to a closed door at night. We do keep a nightlight in there for her. But it has been really great for her. You might check the beds out. I am not sure where you live, but not all of the furniture stores have the bunky boards. I know Mathis Brothers does. It is a regular full size bed, but I specifically got a really low one. Some of the beds in the stores do drop down lower than they have them on the floor for show. I wanted one that would grow with her and one that we were not going to have to replace in a few years. You could explain to her about the monitor and how you will be able to hear her. And maybe let her pick out a special CD and a special night light. (Pottery Barn's are darling). Maybe a special pillow or stuffed animal for her big girl room. Best of luck.

Our son was in his room and his own crib from the time he was about a month old. This is just what worked best for us. We removed the side rail of his bed and put on the toddler rail when he was 21 mos old. The mattress is very low to the ground and he can't hurt himself even if he did fall out. We still line the open side with pillows though-just in case. He is doing great with it and will usually call for us from bed which we hear on the monitor in our room. Ocassionally, he will even get out of bed and come find us. He is now 23 mos old and so far so good. Our son is adopted after many years of fertility treatments so I can totally understand. I got pregnant with our daughter through embryo donation and five rounds of invitro! She is almost six mos old now. Sometimes, I think we love deeper because we worked so hard to get our little miracles! And, of course, you are not a bad mom!

No you are not being a bad mom. Some people take longer to 'let go' than others. Everyone must come to 'it' in their own time. I will however tell you that the longer you wait, the harder it will be for her. After I divorced, my daughter and I had to share a bed. When we could afford a larger place, we still shared a bed. She was almost 10 before she got out of my bed. So, you need to do what is best for you and your family. If you are not yet comfortable with her being in another room, then don't put her there. But I can tell you this, I wouldn't change my daughter sleeping with me for anything. It brought us that much closer. Good luck!

I think youre totally normal. I went to fertility clinics also and your children become much more precious when conception is difficult. Either way, I don't see any harm to the child with her in a separate bed in your room, especially since your husband is in agreement.
B. S. RN CCM

You are absolutely not a bad mom. It's okay that she is sleeping in your room. My neice slept with my sister until she was 3. However, I put my daughter in a full size bed at 18 months. That was a bit early but she didn't like her crib and crawled out. I did put a bed rail up on the side that was not butted up against the wall. It took me awhile to get pregnant with my daughter and fertility drugs as well so I understand your mindset. Ask your daughter if she is ready for a big girl bed and go from there. My daughter sometimes will still sleep with my husband and I and she is 4. Not to worry. Good luck!

i imagine you are questioning your parenting skills because someone, somewhere made a comment about your baby sleeping in the same room as you. my 3rd and last child is 6 months and still in a bassinet beside me at night. i don't get the best night's sleep, but it's worth it to have her so close. each of my children spent 2 years in my bedroom, either in my bed or in a pack n play. for their 2nd birthday i redecorated their nursery and we transitioned them into their big kid room. just don't over worry about this. for the rest of her life she will be pushed, let her be little and comforted by her mommy and daddy. my goodness, the town i live in just went to all day pre-k, meaning my 3 year old son will go all day to school when he turns 4!! it's rediculous if you ask me. Godd Bless!

There is nothing wrong with her sleeping in your room with you. Do it as long as it makes all of you happy, and when you are ready, take time to transition slowly. As long as she isn't climbing out of the crib, leave her in there. My son started trying to climb out at about 18 mo, so we switched him to a toddler bed. If it wasn't for that, and having another baby on the way, he'd still be in the crib. He wakes at night and roams - so we get less sleep now than we did when he was in the crib.

Hi H.,

I don't think you have done anything wrong. Our 2 girls sleep with us. I would like for them to be in their own beds in their rooms, but I would worry about them or be checking on the all the time. My oldest (Elle) has had 9 febrile seizures, 2 were in her sleep. My 1 year old (Snyder) hasn't had any problems, it was just easier for her to sleep with us when I was nursing her.

I am pregnant w/our 3rd and I'm wondering where she will sleep now. I would like to put Elle's twin bed in our room and get her to sleep in it. We are planning on putting the baby bed in our room for the new baby, but I think I will try to get Snyder to sleep in it and put the new baby in the pack n play.

We are getting an exchange student in August. It was my husbands idea for all the girls to sleep in our room. I was glad he said that and I agreed.

I think we'll do anything for our kids. I think you need to do what feels right to you and your husband and enjoy the time right now b/c they grow so fast.

Good Luck!! D'Anne

I believe playskool makes bed rails that you insert between the matress and the boxsprings of a regular bed. My friend moved her little girl to a normal bed when her daughter turned two. She removed them when she turned three. And then began using the room monitor. Good luck!

First of all you are not a bad mom. You are just an extra loving mom. With my first son it took me several rounds of fertility drugs and a few years after that I got pregnant. (All total 8 years) I was determined to keep him in his own bed. I was successful, when I put him on a 8pm schedule however I had to let him cry himself to sleep. It only took a few nights and it was harder on me than him. He is a healthy happy 9 yr old now and I have a 3 year old that is sleeping with us and I desperately want him out of our bed. He was a premie and when I nursed him he had me up every hour to 1 1 /2 hours that first year since my husband was tired of me falling asleep on the couch all the time he said to put him in our bed. Well to me that was a mistake because he still doesn't sleep through the night. But we are now in the process of putting him in his own bed in a room he will share with his brother. My advice is to go ahead and move her now. My sister in law has an 11 year old that still sleeps with her and I know I don't want that for myself and I am sure you wouldn't want that either. It is easier when they are younger than when they get older. It will take some adjustment for you probably more than her but both of you will be the better for it.

I think you are a great mom. She is your precious gift and you don't want her out of your sight. That is completely understandable. Did you know our culture here in the United States is one of the very few that allow their children to sleep in a separate room? Many people in other countries think we are insane to make our babies and toddlers sleep in a dark room by themselves. I think you and your husband do what is best for your little girl and you two. Don't worry about what others think.

As for when to move her to a bed, I would not move her until she starts climbing out of her crib. We moved our son to a bed because we needed the crib for my daughter and it was a big mistake. He was not ready. We should have bought another crib instead. She will let you know when she is ready.

just relax. As long as you and baby wake up rested, who cares???!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 At least u have a baby that sleeps.

I am right there with you. We tried for years with different fertility treatments to have our now almost 2 year old boy. We moved him to his own room at 6 months old and to a toddler bed at around 15 months old. From that point on, if he got out of his bed and came into our room at night he was able to sleep in there with us. Some nights he does, some he doesn't. It was harder on me than him! I put him in our bed when he is sick so I can have a close eye on him so it keeps us all happy. He goes to his bed easily at night because he knows if he is scared, he can come in with us.

I don't think you are a bad mom- just overly protective. I love all my angels, and we all sleep better with them in their own rooms. I have six kids. If they slept in my room, I would sleep in theirs for some quiet. She is not necessarily going to feel more secure in your room, that is your security. I was overprotected by my adopted mom and I hated it so when I was old enough I did everything she tried to protect me from. I say move her now- the longer she stays the harder it will be for her to adjust. That will be weird when she is 7 and has friends over and want to have a sleep over and she sleeps in your room. My 13 month old sleeps in the pack and play and will thru the summer to make summer trips easier since his pack and play is comfort to him. But come fall he will move to a big boy bed. He is already sharing a room with his almost 3 yr old brother.