Need Advise on How to Stop My Almost 4 Year Old from Hitting Kids at School

increase her sleep. Seriously. Without a nap, unless she is sleeping in until 9, she is not getting anywhere near enough sleep. I believe from working with children for over 20 years that lack of sleep is the cause of the majority of behavior issues.

N.

Time outs and "consequences" are probably not the best solution. There are several great books that teach an alternative parenting approach known as "loving regulation." The books are "Smart Love" by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper, "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nielsen and "unconditional parenting" by Alfie Kohn. They are based on a lot of clinical psychology research and advocate avoiding both punishment and rewards. Usually, when a child has a temper tantrum, hits, bites or does other unacceptable behavior, it is a sign of stress. Imagine if you were stressed, and your partner sent you to isolation - it wouldn't be the best option. Instead calming a child, giving them some affection and then discussing why x is not okay will in the long run have more positive results. Timeouts promote isolation and the child often doesn't think about what they did wrong as they are not that contemplative at a young age. Instead they just brew/stew. When the child hits, intervention is definitely needed, but the intervention should avoid punishment and instead involve interaction, explanation and support. This approach is more time consuming than other approaches. It is definitely not permissive. It sounds like you are ready for a different approach so I would give this a try. Good Luck. Also, if you live near Oak Park, Musikgarten runs a class called Endzone for parenting and it is fabulous. Best of luck.

Hi L.,

Ooooh, I think this is getting out of hand. Punishment administered hours after the offense is too disconnected for such a young child. Of course parents must be informed and supportive of the teacher, but surely there is some time-out process at school that delivers the consequences right after the act. if the teacher expects you to punish at home for behavior at school, it is the teacher who is at fault. She should be watching your daughter more closely if this is a recurring problem and certainly should be taking responsibility for what happens in her classroom. Furthermore, sitting in her room till dinner is not only too harsh, but not something a 3-yr-old even understands. What is she supposed to do? Think about what a bad girl she is? And when is dinner anyway, given that she can't see you making it and can't tell time?
With all this, of course you need a more positive way to deal with your poor little girl, who is trying to be good -- otherwise she wouldn't still be in school! -- but doesn't have control of her temper yet. I taught my boys with pretty good success to "think in your mind!!!!" when they felt themselves getting angry, then to walk or run away from what's making them angry, and if necessary to strike out at something else, never a person. i also urged them to tell me about anything that made them angry anywhere other than home, and talked frequently with teachers about how they were doing in school and at home. I'm guessing your daughter feels displaced by the baby but also loves the baby and has enough self-control not to hurt her. But she's got some anger that pops out in other situations, among her peers and perhaps with friends too.
It may sound dismissive, but I think if you are patient and can get the teacher invested w/a lot of discussion, you will get your daughter past this. Just please don't confine her to her room -- it makes her feel bad, alone and terrible, and you my find her reluctant to go to bed one of these days, or indeed holing herself up in there when she's older, if her room is where she is sent when things are bad. Please talk about this with her rather than just punishing. She can be "helping" with dinner while you talk about how hard it is to handle anger. Try it and good luck!
S. F.
mom to two strapping grown-up guys!

At her age, waiting until she gets home from school is probably too long to impose a consequence -- the incident has already happened, so your daughter may not quite "get" the connection. Does the hitting happen around the same time every day, or with only certain kids? Also, since there is a principal's office involved, it seems that the teachers are not being proactive at watching the kids and interceding before problems happen. They should be able to give you some guidance on when and where this behavior occurs and the steps THEY have taken to prevent it. If they haven't, it's a sign this may not be the right program for your daughter at this stage!

I'm muddling through this with you...my 4 y/o daughter who normally loves other people and is totally sweet has started infringing on other people's space too, sometimes hitting sometimes just not respecting that they don't want something in their faces.
I decided that we would spend a brief moment every morning and right before bed talking about either kindness, gentleness or respect. Defining these things, talking about how we can show kindness to others, be gentle with everything or respect people's space. And any time a situation arises that needs correction I involve these topics and we discuss how she was not kind, gentle or respectful.
If you are religious at all you can pull our a few scripture verses for her to learn about kindness and gentleness, but otherwise just discussing them in day to day life could work.
And I've started putting her to bed at 7 and she's a little nicer...it's not always convenient but she seems a lot happier. But it's a process...and for me, totally painful seeing my kid bully another kid!!
Good luck!

I have an almost 4 year old son who recently went through a similar situation. He was fine in his preschool last year, but when he started preschool this year he was hitting kids when he wanted a toy or got frustrated (or sometimes for no obvious reason except that they looked at him). He also has been hitting his little brother since birth our of jealousy and to get attention (so you are lucky that the baby is spared at least). The way we got him over this was to of couse explain that hitting was wrong and repeatedly telling him to use his words and help him find the right words to use. However, an equally important point is that we suspected he was doing this to get attention so we purposfully avoided getting too worked up about these incidents and triad to correct him in a calm matter-of-fact manner (this can be very hard).

Additionally, we made sure to look for all of the nice things he did for other kids (especially his little brother), and praising him for even the smallest of these nice behaviors. This has helped wonders in making him view himself as a nice person rather than as a mean bully. If parents overreact to the bad things while not noticing and praising as many good things, the child will come to think of themself as a bully and then it will be much harder to change their behavior. Kids tend to fulfil our expectations, so try to stay positive and let her know that you think she is a wonderful and kind person and always be sure to praise her when she is acting this way.

Hi L.,
You should have talks with your little girl, and please don't take the spanking advise. You want to be a role model to your daughter, and spanking only shows that hitting is OK. Tell her that you are disappointed in her hitting other kids. (be specific in what you are disappointed, you don't want her to think you disapprove of her in general) From my experience, disappointing parents is a pretty bad feeling. Tell her you love her very much, but it makes you very sad that she hits in school.

A couple things here: I think punishment for that age is only effective "at the moment". Punishing her hours later, when the "event" is long out of her system is ineffective. I was never against an occasional swat but, if you think about it in this instance, "you're punishing her for hitting and then you would hit HER" seems a little ridiculous. (a suggestion from another post). Has something changed in her life that is causing her stress or has she been doing this since the beginning of the school year? Even though it is negative behavior, she is still seeking attention from it and getting it. I would twist it around and use positive reinforcement. Tell her, "here is what I expect from you and hitting is not acceptable. You just don't do it. You use your words." Catch her in the act of "using her words" a few times and make a big deal about it. Tell her, if she is frustrated, how can she take out her anger effectively (i.e. when at home - scream into a pillow; at school, ask for some suggestions from the teacher). At the end of a good week, stop for an ice cream cone or treat together and give her 30 minutes alone time with you - that little extra time, coupled with some positive reinforcement, saying something like..."Wow - I hear you have been very kind and you are sharing nicely with the kids in school -it's good when you are frustrated that you use your words instead of your hands!" With a baby in the house, and her being the "first princess", she may be frustrated - she can't hit the baby because you'll REALLY be angry so she takes it out on someone else. They are MUCH easier to hug when they are nicer, aren't they?????Good luck to you!

Also, the angle of "enough sleep". You may want to consider an even earlier bedtime. She may just be the kind of child who needs more sleep.

Good morning, L..
My 4 year old has lots of issues around his peers. He has autism but has to be disciplined like a "normal" child. Behavioral therapist input has been a huge help. For time outs -- the rule of thumb is one minute for each year of age. Long punishments just don't work for little ones. A time out for the behavior and then I have my son do a drawing for the person he harmed. If school gives him a time out for the behavior - I don't give him another time out. I take away privileges however - only books for the rest of the day - his favorite toys go on a shelf and no TV. I hope that helps!
Good luck.
S. in Lisle

You can't punish a 3-4 year old hours after doing something wrong. Didn't the school teacher punish her? They seem to be taking less responsibility every day. It's their job during school hours and to notify you otherwise you'll get nowhere.

Hi L.

I have a little guy who is in 4 year old preschool. He's not a hitter, but I have to say he gets what we call "floppy" and a little more agressive without the proper amount of sleep. We gave up his naps in August just before school started. He's waking up in the morning anywhere between 6:45-7:15 and goes to bed at about 7:30 every night. I must note that he could go to bed even earlier than 7:30 on some nights. I wonder if your daughter is not getting the proper amount of sleep and "acting out" in school. In our home, I notice a huge difference in behavior when my children have not had enough sleep. Good luck!

Hi L.,
I would sit down with her & ask her how she would feel if someone hit her. I would then have her make a picture (color or draw one) for each person she hit that says I'm sorry (she can write it or you can) & have her give it to them. Instead of sending her to her room I would take away a privilege. The next time she hits someone, have her make them the "I'm sorry picture" & then I would not let her watch TV for a day or not let her have a play date or take away a favorite toy for a day. You may need to give her some suggestions on how to deal with her anger. I tell my kids to jump up & down 10 times. It helps them to let out aggression in a physical way without hurting anyone & they practice counting.