Having Another Child After a Loss....

Updated on March 26, 2008
S.R. asks from Saint Johns, AZ
25 answers

My husband and I lost our son shortly after birth on July 28th, 2006. He had what is called non immune hydrops(kinda like RH factor). The doctors told us that it was a 1 in 3000 chance that this can happen but that it will never happen again. I was really numb for a long time. It has been almost two years now and i would really like to try again but my husband is like "no way." I have read a lot of books that say you know you are ready to try again if you would be able to deal with the situation if it was ever to happen again. And my answer to that question is NO i dont think a person can ever prepare for what i've had to deal with. Iam content with my daughter but i never imagined having a only child. I think only children miss out on a lot especially the sibling bond. Iam also accepting what has happened and Iam happy for the time I got to spend with my son even if it was only 25 minutes it will be in my heart for ever. I really don't want to wait to long because i want my kids to be close in age so they share some of the same milestones together instead of having nothing in common. Iam confused and ive been reading mama source for a few weeks and maybe some words of wisdom might help....

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thank you guys for all your advice... I talked to my husband and we both decided we would put the baby question on the back burner until I finish my nursing school... my big struggle is how to get my husband to open up on the subject he just says it is up to me... men are so different when it comes to things like that... What can you do right?

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.C.

answers from Phoenix on

S.,

Have you and your husband ever considered adoption? I'm not talking about the difficult and expensive task of adopting a newborn, I'm talking about choosing from among the THOUSANDS of young children that are currently in the foster system.

If your main goal is for your daughter to have a sibling (and the enrichment another child would bring to your family), perhaps you should consider adopting a child around your daughter's age. Children in the foster system that are five years and older are (sadly) very rarely adopted.

Now, think about your own daughter. What if she were in the foster system? Wouldn't you want a permanent home for her? A stable family to love and protect her?

Some of the children in the foster system are physically and emotionally traumatized, but it's nothing that a loving and stable family can't heal...especially in a child as young as five. And don't these children that have suffered so greatly deserve a chance at happiness?

I'm sorry to preach at you about this, but it's been weighing heavily on my own heart. I've been asking myself why should infertility be the only reason people adopt. I have two beautiful children of my own...does that mean a young child out there without a family doesn't deserve my love?

Anyway, it just seemed like an option I should run by you. Foster care adoptions are government subsidized and virtually without cost. If you're a Christian, pray about this option and see where it leads you.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.B.

answers from Phoenix on

I understand your pain and you wish to have another child for your daughter's sake. Having just one child in a family can be wonderful and liberating once they get past a certain age. But it can also be lonely for that child. You lost your son after a brief life for him. My condolences to you and your family. I share your pain.
My daughter lost her first son Andrew, just shy of 23 months old, in a tragic car accident a little over a year ago. She told me that she had been wanting another child for her son to grow up with as a friend and a family member so that he would not feel lonely. As it turned out, we found out that she was expecting after the accident. She lost one son and gained a second son, Austin. While we still morn the loss of Andrew, we revel in the grace of having another child in the family to love. It is hard losing a child in such a way. Austin does not take his brother's place but has his own special place.
When you are ready, try to talk to your husband into some counseling as it appears to me that he is still grieving for your lost son. Each person grieves in his or her own time.
I wish you the best and time eases the pain somewhat. Just remember that your son is with God and is loved.

God bless you and yours.

P. Burris
[email protected]____.com

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.B.

answers from Phoenix on

My brother and sister in law lost thier first baby in 2004. They had three hours with thier baby. It was really hard for them. I know I could never understand what losing a baby must be like. I first want to say to take all the time you need-that is a hard thing to go through. But also I feel like when my brother and sister in law had another child, it made the greiving process even easier. My sister in law really remembers her son by talking about him with us and how she felt, doing toy drives in his name at Christmas time, and surrounding herself with pictures of him, and always wearing a knecklace representing him. I think these things help her. Hang in there-you've been through a hard thing. I don't think anyone could be prepared to go through that twice-I don't think that that is a good measuring tool to know when your ready. I hope this helps at least a little.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.M.

answers from Phoenix on

S.,

First of all, let me express my deepest heartfelt sympathy for your loss. Your courage and strength are admirable. Though my situation is a bit different from yours, I can relate on some level. I went through 2 terrible miscarriages and believed it was just not meant to be. It took me a little over a year from the second miscarriage to even consider trying again. I am happy to say, that God blessed me with a beautiful set of twins. My doctor just monitored the pregnancy very carefully. I couldn't allow myself to get excited or hopeful about the pregnancy until the end of the second trimester. Good for you for having hope-I hope this gives you some sort of encouragement. Please stay positive and trust your heart--God bless!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.D.

answers from Tucson on

I am very sorry for your loss. I was wondering if you and your husband are particularly religious people? my husband and I had been struggling with the idea of having another child, and since we are very religious, we each prayed to know what we should do. I felt distinctly that we had another child waiting to come to us, but my husband wasn't so sure. after about a year of prayer, he now feels that it is the right time. I don't know if that's something you are comfortable with, but I hope my experience helps you! If your husband believes in a loving Heavenly Father who cares about what we do, and that each child comes from Him, then prayer is the logical answer to find out if you are "meant" to have another. It may also help him (and you) come to terms with your loss. I hope this answer isn't inappropriate or uncomfortable for you. I know that if you follow what's in your heart, it will work out.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.G.

answers from Phoenix on

My Dear One,
I lost my second child and only son due to the Doctors negligence. My daughter was 5 at the time and it had been very difficult to conceive - I was told I would NEVER have any children. It propelled me to become a grid cousnler for mother's who have lost children. No one can ever fully walk in your shoes but it is a journey of self-discovery. You husband has not moved through his grief. Each of us has our own way and time we need to heal. I had a beautiful daughter 18 months after my son ,Matthew died. She was very tiny, very early and in ICU for a few weeks.. She is now a healthy 22 year old expecting her first child. The old fears snake out about her having a preemie and doctor's negilience, but we push them aside by cupping our hand and pushing them upward to heaven stating : Our New Little One is Divinly Protected" - This lets God know we have trust in the Divin Plan.
My husband was apprehensive about a new baby too, but once he held Liz for the first time he fell deeply in love adn all his angery from loosing our son melted away. If you would like we could chat soemtime on teh phone.
My home number is: ###-###-####
Many Blessings,
S.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.T.

answers from Phoenix on

Hi-

So sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 4mths gestation- had to deliver the baby, it was as close to hell that I ever want to come. Our other child was 12 at the time. I had had an abnormal tri-screen, but they do not know what caused me to lose the baby, I also had fibroids. We waited one year & then tried again. (It was more like if it happens, it happens.) I have to tell you I was terrified the entire pregnancy- and was not able to fully enjoy it... I guess that is to be expected. We had a healthy baby boy-thank God. My advice would be to do what is in your heart- if I had not have tried again, I would have always wondered : "What if?" Best of luck to you & take care- Lynda :)

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.R.

answers from Phoenix on

S.,
I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing worse than losing a child. You husband does not seem to have reached the same place of acceptance that you have. I would suggest grief councelling for you family. It is reassuring that the doctors say that the same situation could never happen again. God Bless you on this difficult journey.
Jenny

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.O.

answers from Phoenix on

S.,

My heart goes out to you for your loss. I have a 6 year old and am now about 7 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. My husband and I are both 'only' kids and we loved it. Although we missed out on sibling stuff, it taught us to be independent thinkers and to really be good friends & value friendships. Our daughter has been a good 'only' and we were very content with the idea of her having a sibling, or not. Siblings are a blessing, but if your husband is not ready, I would not push it. God knows the right age between any other potential siblings in your family & only He can prepare your husband to be ready for another child. I know tons of other families who have kids as far apart as 10-12 years and they are still close once they get to be adults. Sure they may not share milestones together, but they are still family and that's what's important. Don't push your husband, for some people it can take a lifetime to grieve & if that's what it takes for him, then just enjoy who he is, you can't change that about him. You have your lifetime with him, and someday your daughter will hopefully have a lifetime with her husband, sibling or not. Enjoy the daughter you have and kiss her and hug her every day. We also have some close friends who have a 6 year old who is our daughters friend & last November they lost their 4 year old daugther in a tragic dog bite incident. It was so sad & I am still sad and miss their little one. But God redeems in HIS time & she is pregant again, evne thought they were not sure about having more kids. Best of luck to you and my heart goes out to you.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.S.

answers from Albuquerque on

My heart goes out to you - no one should ever have to suffer that pain. You are to be commended for your attitude towards the entire situation.
Why is your husband against the idea? Perhaps he has not dealt with his grief as you have. I would suggest family counseling before this turns into an issue that affects your marriage.
My prayers are with you - best of luck.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.S.

answers from Phoenix on

I also lost a child full term. It was very difficult to go through so I totally understand your hesitation. I have had two successful pregnancies since then and I believe through prayer and faith in God that miracles do happen. Doing all that you can do to eat whole foods and keep close to a whole foods diet and getting rid of the refined foods like sugar and white bread. This will enable you to give you and your baby nutritionally what you need to develop properly.
I would really go by your intuition and pray to know what you should do.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.C.

answers from Phoenix on

HI S.- I agree with the previous response that it is definitely up to you and your spouse. I have not experienced the loss of a child, but I would imagine it to be life altering and traumatic. I am currently 6 mo pregnant and just met another woman in a prenatal yoga class who went through the same thing you did. She is 7 months pregnant. I asked her to elaborate on what happened and she told me, but most importantly, she said she really learned a lot about true love. I was very moved by the event, but also by the strength that she exudes and her ability to learn from such an experience. It sounds like you're ready, but that your husband may need a little assistance if you will. Maybe talking with a therapist together to explore the issue and get on the same page would help. I don't know you, but I truly admire you as strong woman who is willing to move forward and try again. I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.K.

answers from Phoenix on

I am sorry for your loss. I did not have an RH factor problem, but blood clotting disorder. I lost 2 girls both at 25 weeeks along, one in 2001 & one in 2003. It was really hard but we now have 3 living, beautiful girls, 3 1/2, 21mths and 3mths. I don't think one ever gets over a dealth of a child not matter what the age or cause of dealth.
It would be best for your husband and you to agree though. If you are religious, pray about it-together.
You'll be ready when the thought of being pregnant makes you smile. Just stay positive, it's better for everyone (even the baby) : ) Take Care.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.S.

answers from Phoenix on

I am so sorry for your loss. Two very dear friends of mine lost their son of 16 months. He became ill with flu-like symptoms and 48 hrs. later was in heaven. He was a "first" child. My friends found a good counselor and went together until they felt they had found what they needed to cope, then heal. I am happy to say that they had a new son about 14 months later. They are thrilled and seem to have relaxed without constantly worrying abouth is health due to their previous experience. The talk openly about their first son, and did not try to replace him. As they explained it, they had learned how to love unconditionally and could not just turn that love off. They needed to continue to share that love with another child. They are planning for another child. I think it is different for each person and they each definitely traveled the road to peace differently, but they were able to go on. We've been by them each step of the way and I have seen how very difficult this is. I share their story to let you know it is possible to heal. I will keep you in my prayers, S..

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

V.C.

answers from Albuquerque on

Hi S.,

My heartfelt empathy for your loss - I lost my eldest daughter shortly after her birth, due to a severe birth defect. I waited four years before trying again, and now have a lovely almost-three-year-old girl.

I agree with the other mamas who advise throwing the *%#@! book out the window! Your heart is your best guide. One thing that I think is really important is how you and your hubby both feel - I would say you really need to be in agreement as to whether or not you are ready to try again. Sounds like you are not, and that it is really difficult for you. I would suggest you find a therapist that you can talk with about all this, and it would be great if you and your hubby could go together. If he is not ready for that, then go alone.

People heal in their own way, in their own time. A lot of marriages do not survive the loss of a child (mine did not). My Get as much support as you can, keep asking all those questions, love and cherish your beautiful family, and trust that the "right" way will come to you. It will.

Much love to you,

V.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.P.

answers from Phoenix on

I am asuming you were totally unaware that you could have had this type of problem with your son. I think and forgive me if I am wrong there is ways to have a child the normal way I mean normal conception not invitro and any other ways to concieve you just do things different at birth. I would check with your doctor and only rule out no more kids if there is no other way. if you truly want a another baby I would say try it but this time go into the pregnancy armed with information but please not armed with the possibility the baby may die. and good luck with you and your hubby and of course your daughter she needs a younger sibling to push around and beat on LOL

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.V.

answers from Phoenix on

Hi S.,

I'm really sorry for your loss. I miscarried after 11 weeks and was crushed. I can only imagine how you must have felt after going to term.

Getting pregnant again is a very personal decision. I will say, however, that it is important to focus on the future rather than the past. If you let your past cripple you, you will never be able to move forward. I encourage you to look to the future. Open your heart and mind so you can enjoy the gifts God is waiting to give you.

Best wishes to you,
G. Van Luven

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.C.

answers from Phoenix on

S.-

I cannot imagine ANYONE being prepared to deal with the loss of a child, ever.
My husband lost a child to SIDS 15 years ago, and he was still unsure if he was ready for our little one(2 years old now). He was terrified of suffering another loss, and it took months after he was born for my husband to allow himself to grow close to the baby.
Men are less likely to fully express exactly how devastated, scared, and sad they are, and it may (for some) take alot longer for them to recover from feelings they feel they have to suppress.

I can understand you wanting to have your children closer together, and it sounds as if you have thought this through and are ready. But I would suggest some type of grief counseling for your husband if possible first. You are still young enough that it won't make alot of difference if he needs some more time.

It broke my heart, and took a big toll on my marriage, to watch my husband keep our son at an emotional arm's length. They are close now, but I really wish that we would have dealt with those feelings and problems beforehand. Your hubby is being very open about his fears (mine was not), and this will be a much easier and happier experience for you if you encourage and allow him to do what he needs to do to heal before going ahead.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.W.

answers from Phoenix on

It is too bad your hubby says no way. Men really do feel emotions too, they just don't show it the same. Maybe if you share your feelings with him, and tell him how happy another baby will make you, he will reconsider.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.D.

answers from Phoenix on

I am so sorry for your loss. My dh had the same reaction after each of our miscarriages. He wasn't willing to go through it again. Through some talks, though, he finally came around. We have two healthy children.

Each pregnancy is different, just like each child is different, just as each adult is different. The odds are still on your side. Babies are such a miracle. With all that can go wrong, it's amazing that any of us made it out alive and are here. You just have to trust God and take a shot. Your odds are greater than the financial gambles people take. You did get through your first hurdle: you have become pregnant. More than once, and carried.

After my losses, I was still afraid during each pregnancy. It took the joy of those early days away. As did the morning sickness;). Trust you, your body and take a chance at the odds. Your age also puts things on your side.

Good luck to you. And whatever you do, go with your heart. Later babies are a blessing, also.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.S.

answers from Tucson on

My empathy is with you and your family, my heart feels your loss.
I do not know the nature of your relationship with your husband but, I would just like to encourage you to talk with him as openly and frankly as possible about your feelings (past and present)and ask him to do the same. Be truthful with yourselves- now may be the right time- or maybe it will be later.
I wish you and your family the best.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.M.

answers from Tucson on

I have never been a fan of child rearing books. I give a lot of advice to a lot of parents as a part of my job, but I always tell them that only they can really know what's best for their child. No one knows my children like I do, and no one knows your heart like you do. But I can't imagine anyone saying they are prepared to lose a child, whether they have already been through it or not. That seems ridiculous.

So I think you should ignore stupid books from stupid "experts" and think really hard about what is best for you, and your marriage, and your daughter.

Wish you the best.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.W.

answers from Flagstaff on

Hi S.,

I also lost my first child. I was ready to be a mommy and we waited about two years after our loss to try again. I now have four beautiful children that mean so much to me. I still have a place in my heart for my son that I lost and he will forever be here with me.

My problems during my pregnancies were fear of losing again. I still live in fear, so any book that tells you that your ready to try again when you are able to deal with the situation is insane. NO parent is able to deal with that type of situation under any circumstance.

The main factor here is to just talk to your hubby and let him know how you feel. You really need to get him to talk about his feelings and fears. Consider joining a couples group in your community. Talk to your Pastor and always turn to your friends and family. Good Luck and keep us posted!

M.W.

answers from Phoenix on

im sorry about your loss, i just thought it was so much like what i went through because my almost 2 year old son was also born with non immune hydrops, however they never identified the cause....

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.M.

answers from Phoenix on

I too lost a daughter on June 3, 2005 to hypo plastic left heart. She lived about 30 minutes but like you said you will never forget those minutes for as long as you live. I was scared to have another one due to this issue because you don't know what will or can happen. The way I saw it you can not let that rule your life. Yes it might happen again but it might not happen as well-the only thing you can do is try. My husband and I ended up getting pregnant not to far long after and now I have another beautiful baby girl who is healthy!! She right now is developementally delayed but as long as she is healthy that is all that matters to me. I think of my daughter that i lost a guardian angel for my kids and know she is getting taken care of by god and the family that I too lost in 2006 (my grandmother and uncle). My daughter who is living was born June 18,2006 and I am blessed to have both my son and my daughter. If you are ready I wouldn't be so in a hurry to make your husband be. He sounds like he is still healing and needs that extra time.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches