My 4yo daughter loves (loved?) ballet. She lived for her weekly classes, loved dressing up, and asked me every morning if today was ballet day. Even now, she says she wants to be a ballerina when she grows up. But...As her last session was ending, I signed her up for a new class at a new location and there were three weeks of overlap where she had ballet at both places. She was in heaven and loved both classes equally. At the last class of the original session, the teacher informed me that my daughter suddenly became upset because she had to go to the bathroom and didn't want to miss anything--after going to the restroom, she only wanted to watch for a little while, but finally rejoined the class. The teacher didn't think it was a big deal and I didn't make much of it. Last week we got dressed, she walked into the new class and then she almost immediately walked out saying she had to go to the bathroom. While in the restroom, she became hysterical and insisted that she wouldn't go back in and only wanted to watch from outside the class (which is impossible with the way the class is set up). The teacher insists that nothing negative happened in the brief time she was in the class. I tried the tactic of not taking no for an answer, but I physically could not get her into the room without causing a major disruption to the entire class. Then I tried telling her that if she wouldn't go inside we would have to leave and she called me on my bluff. She refuses to give me a reason for suddenly not wanting to go to the class and just says she doesn't want to do it anymore.
I am at a loss. I do not want her to think it's ok to quit, especially when she won't give me a reason. But it's also a lot of money and I can't fight with her every week only to have her refuse to go inside. What would you do? At age 4, I think she should be able to articulate a reason, but I'm getting nowhere. Any advice on how to get her to talk or tactics to get her to give it another try would be appreciated.
A few background details: I recently had a baby, which really does not seem to be related because the first incident happened before the baby. I know the new teacher always makes a big deal of having the kids go to the bathroom before class starts and some of the other parents say she can be stern about it, so initially we thought maybe she was reacting to the teacher. But that doesn't really make sense since it happened the week before in a totally different setting with a different teacher. Also, she takes the new class with another friend from school, who sometimes gets upset about the separation from her sitter, but ultimately always goes in and has a great time.
"At age 4, I think she should be able to articulate a reason" - no, not really. With most children at that age, they do not have the communications skills or vocabulary to be able to articulate a reason - all they know is they don't want to do it.
Hi A.,
Your little girl is still pretty little, huh? :)
I think of my preschool group, and the dichotomy of the four, five and six year old children. They are able to physically tell us what they need much of the time. But a "why" question like this can feel too huge for kids at any age.
Your little girl may not know exactly 'why' she feels the way she does*, but I'll tell you what this reminds me of. I worked with families as a nanny for many years, and I noticed this sort of response from children right before big anticipated changes. Usually, the change was kindergarten. The summer before their kinder year, children were aware that there was a big change coming up (some would be leaving their communities,preschool, daycare, playgroup or otherwise) and going to school in a brand new place. Whether parents are talking about it a lot or not in front of the child, the anticipation of any huge unknown sometimes sends kids into a fearful, upset phase. Things that were once familiar fun (going to the park, library, even out anywhere ) suddenly elicited a very real upset or even terror. I've had kids fall apart and scream because we had to go out during this time, so that's what struck a chord with me.
And this does often continue for quite a long time after kindergarten starts. It's a huge separation anxiety for some kids.
None of these kids, by the way, could have told me what was wrong, or how enormous these changes felt. I have only learned this through observing patterns in each age and stage of care, and have learned that these feelings our children exhibit can feel very frighteningly big and real for them, it's not an act or kind of manipulation. And it's certainly something I learned not to dig my heels in about. Better to try to work with it and be creative than to force a child to do something because we perceive their terror to be unexplained.
If it were me, personally, I'd go with your inclination that this isn't something you want to press right now. Believe me, I have learned the hard way. Figure it like this; yes, you've paid for the class, and now you are going to think of that as money lost to a good cause. You will be buying your daughter and yourself a space of peace and freedom from what could become a huge, regretable power struggle.
And when your daughter is showing her former level of confidence in outings and separation, then reintroduce the idea. She might go back to it, or perhaps there's something else that will have caught her eye. A lot of little girls like both ballet and soccer!
I hope things smooth out soon with your little one. Just be patient and have confidence that she will grow past this.
H.
* for more on these ideas, check out Bruno Bettelheim's "A Good Enough Parent". Exquisite and awesomely insightful and informative!
She's 4. She's not into it any more. Where's the fun in that?
I honestly don't think a 4-year-old can clearly explain to you why she doesn't want to do something anymore. She's probably either sick of it or bored with it.
On to the next thing.... and stop fretting over this. It's probably gonna happen a few more times with other things. Kids' likes and dislikes change so much as they grow. Just go with the flow mama.
At age 4, both my daughter and son were verbal with extensive vocabulary's. I've learned that an excellent vocabulary can fool us into thinking that a 4 year old child knows more than is possible. We may think our little chatterbox has: inner awareness, psychological clarity and deep insight. And we assume they also have the ability to succinctly express their feelings, thoughts and fears into into words.
It's possible she has no clue or can't specifically remember why she doesn't like class or has a bad feeling about the class. Or maybe something did happen?
(1) Maybe she saw a shadow and it scared her.
(2) Maybe she suddenly felt alone or isolated.
(3) Perhaps the teachers voice sounded unkind/scary to her.
(4) Maybe she almost had a potty accident, while undressing (and working her way out of ) the pull and stretch of her leotard, tights and underpants. (5) Perhaps another child made fun of her for going to the bathroom
(6) Maybe attending 2 different classes and teachers was too much stimulation or overwhelming for her (at that time and point in her life.
(7) Maybe she was tired, or saw a spider.
I think her life has been action packed. She's a 4 years old pre-school child who's Mommy's pregnant. Then the excitement and anxiety of labor delivery and a new baby in the house. Then she must leaving a familiar ballet school and teacher and move to a new ballet school and teacher. And in her spare time she is sharing her Mommy with a new baby.
My point is, children feel fear, loneliness, love, happiness. She simply may not be old enough to translate a feeling or an emotion and name it, or translate a feeling or emotion into a sentence.
Wishing you the best.
A.
Awww she is only 4 so I'm keeping that in mind....The only thing that stuck out for me is that this started at her last session with her original class.
She was upset to miss anything because it was her last session. She didn’t want to go back in because she was upset she had to miss even that one minute?
Do you stay and watch her in class? Did you ask if something happened in the bathroom? Maybe another girl was in there and teased her?
Can you ask her more directly just to see what she says about her class ending “How do you feel about not having class with Miss X now and starting with your new class?”
Regardless of the fact that she has a friend in this new class, the other one ending could be bitter sweet for her.
Just wanted to add another idea to the others you have already received.
Well..... we have always said if we enroll our kids in something, they will finish that session before they decide to quit. But being 4 years old... that's a little young to push a child into something she doesn't want to do. It sounds like something is going on in the class that the teacher is not letting on to. I would let her quit... but I would also consider sitting in the classes. I know the teachers can be funny about that. But this is your child and you need to find out what is going on. I wonder if she is getting bullied or laughed at... Something is going on.
Have you tried asking her if she'd like to take classes with a different teacher? Then...at least you know her problem is with THAT class. Also...did you check out the bathroom?
At age 4, I'd watch class, by the way. 4 year olds may be able to articulate some things, but complex emotions or fear can shut them down. Good luck!
It's very hard for children to directly tell us what's wrong. What I understand is that she became upset when she took a bathroom break during class 1 and then the next week became distraught during a bathroom break during class 2. Also class 2's teacher is stern about bathroom usage. My thought is that the teacher's rule about bathroom usage must have upset her in some way. It's extreme, but could the teacher have told the girls that if they use the bathroom they'll miss the steps and not be a ballerina. Try asking her what teacher says about using the bathroom. Ask her questions to get her talking about dance class instead of 'what's wrong'.
i am here to tell ya at 4 they don't know why they do anything! lol. i also think that just because you didn't HAVE a new baby doesn't mean she didn't KNOW it was coming. i bet anything she picked up on it and that is a big part of her hesitation. kids hate change in any form. but in the end - she tried it, she loved it, she changed her mind...i can't see how forcing her to go is going to make her all of a sudden love it again...more likely it will cause bad feelings to be related to that situation. i also had one that ruined a fun experience (tumbling class) and no amount of "coercion" did the trick. he just full out didn't want to go. your daughter may be discovering shyness, or she may have something in her little 4 year old brain that makes no sense to us but terrifies her about going out there. i would try to get her to talk about it, but i wouldn't force her to go.
Take her and make her stay in class. Let the teacher be the teacher. They should be experienced enough to keep her in class.
All kids go through a phase where they don't want to go anymore. Just take them to class and drop them off in the room then go to the parent area or whatever you do.
My friend tells her daughter that she gets to make lots of choices about lots of things, soccer, gymnastics, BMX, etc but that ballet is something that will help her have poise and better balance plus it will help her with posture and other things so she doesn't get to choose whether or not she goes to ballet. It's mom choice she go. Then in a few weeks she is back to loving class again.
Maybe her problem is switching locations. You now have a baby. In addition to her home life recently changing, she has has also lost the normalcy of her ballet classes. That is a lot of change for a 4 year old to have at once.
Can you sign her back up with the old teacher? If not, can you ask her if she would like to take a break from ballet? Tell her she has to finish this session but you won't sign her up for any more until she is ready. She's four and what she likes will change a lot. Add more one on one time with your daughter?
My younger daughter actually did this kind of thing quite a bit during dance last year (when she was 4). I took her out of dance for a while (but her big sister still takes ballet twice a week, so my little one was dragged to the studio whether she liked it or not). She actually went back to dance last week for the first time since June, and LOVED it. I actually had had no intention of re-enrolling her, thinking dance just might not be her "thing," but she surprised me by begging to sign up. I think the time away allowed her to mature a little bit as well as become more coordinated, which of course makes dance a lot more fun.
My suggestion is simply to take her out of it for a while. Have her finish up whatever you've already paid for, and then take a break until next semester. In the meantime, why not see if there is a different instructor for that same level of dance, or if she's playing off of the drama of other kids in the class, take her a different day of the week and see if that works better. I wouldn't have her keep going if she's going to be miserable. That's no fun for her, no fun for the other kids in the class, no fun for the teacher, and a waste of money for you!
If it helps, remember that typically Beginning Ballet classes only accept children 6 and older. Up until that point, it's all "creative dance," so even if she does not participate until then, she can still have a career in dance and won't be behind in her technique training. =)
