My Troubled Teenage Son Again

Are you saying his dad won't take him?

The best thing of all would be for him to go to be with his dad. I really think you should push for that.

Lots of teen boys become this way, especially in the absence of males. It can be very difficult. I've known a few kids who were sent to those camps, and all the ones they went to are VERY VERY expensive. And there were mixed results.

He needs a male mentor. How about Big Brothers, or some team sport with a strong coach?

Good luck.

p.s. Diane S. above makes a good point about sending him to live with his dad. So maybe that's not a good option, unless dad embraces the idea. I've seen some selfish dads end up with their kids, and it's not usually a good environment for the boys.

The Total Transformation questionnaire is long, be forewarned.

Boys/girls town. I don't know a lot about it but they have programs for troubled teens. I believe their fees are based on need.

Consider trying the Total Transformation Program. http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/ I've used it, and it made a big difference. The program is based upon teaching--and insisting upon--RESPECT and SELF-CONTROL. It would probably be good for you for learning about enforcing respectful boundaries with other people, as well. It was for me.

I strongly urge you NOT to send him to live with his father for several reasons:

(1) You say that your son's father is selfish. There isn't much hope for a good outcome if your son lives with him. One of two things is likely to happen: either his father will crush him emotionally OR model very bad behavior traits. Maybe both.

(2) It sounds like your son is not showing any respect to you, and probably not to others. A selfish man cannot teach respect.

(3) A selfish man isn't likely to enforce boundaries with your son, because it's too much trouble. He may let your son go wild and do as he pleases, or they may have a battle of wills about who is going to "be in control".

(4) His father is likely to reject him after a while, because this is a difficult, thankless job, possibly sending him back to you. Whether he rejects him verbally or completely by sending him back, this would be very damaging, leaving your son feeling that no one wants him. That never improved anyone's behavior.

Read about narcissism and see if those symptoms ring true about your ex-husband.

This must be really, really hard for you! (understatement!)

If you decide to give the Total Transformation Program a try, they are doing a study on the effectiveness of their methods to be able to advertise it, and thus, are offering to refund the entire purchase price (about $300) for people who complete a questionnaire. I did this a few years ago, and it's true, they really do issue a refund quickly. The questionnaire was about 10 pages long and took a couple of hours to complete, which I did over several days in small segments. http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/faqs/ This is legit. I teach communication classes at the college level, and I've incorporated some of their principles into what I teach about conflict.

I've read reviews, and most people know within in a couple of weeks if it's going to work for their situation. If you'd like more information about my experience with this program, send me a message.

After reading some of the other responses, I'm wondering whether you might be able to find a good church-based program where he can have some GOOD male role models and experience some unconditional love from people (in addition to his mother) who will hold him accountable and help him learn to be a man of honor, in combination with the Total Transformation Program. It would be like a team approach to getting your son on the right track without uprooting him. If you decide that a temporary live-in situation is what he needs, then get some wise counsel in how to handle things when he returns and some encouragement for yourself. His life is just beginning, and this period of turmoil does not have to define him!

I wish the best to both of you!

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with your son. I don't know if you ever watch The Steve Harvey Show (I myself catch it every now and then) but he has a ranch (I think it may be in Texas) where every year he hosts a camp for teen boys/young men who are being raised by single moms to help teach them how to be men...that's what Steve Harvey says. I don't know any of the details but you can find them on the show's website.

Good luck!

Get him to a Christian camp or program. They use tough love - and teach these young men how to be honorable adult men. But they do it with love. I'd check the "focus on the family" website or even call them up - they have trained counselors to help get answers to questions.

I've worked in youth programs at our church for the last 6 years and I've seen teen boys' lives turned around by getting connected with good, kind, strong men. Our church has a program for these teenaged boys - either those without dads, or those who are just rebelling from their dads. It's not a formal program - but they set up teenage boys with men - either those who don't have sons (maybe they only have daughters) or men whose sons are grown, etc. They work on projects together (do small repairs at the homes of elderly, or weekends in the spring at summer camps for underprivileged kids doing repairs around the camp then hanging out at campfires, farting and telling stupid jokes, etc.) They show these young men how to help others - which improves their self-esteem - and gives them examples of what a good adult man should be. A leader, someone who helps others and is respectful of others, especiallyu women, kind, strong, etc. The teens in this program are of all varieties, some are musicians, others are into sports, some are small guys, some were into drugs or alcohol, etc.

Young men need a man in their life to look up to. Sounds like his dad wouldn't be a good example anyway. My heart breaks for you. Find a church to connect with - if it's a good church they will open their arms to a single mom who needs guidance with her teenage boy. If it gives you any comfort - even teens from "traditional" families with a "good" dad go through stuff in their teen years. They're trying to figure out who they are, the media sends out all kinds of negative messages, and their testosterone soaked brains will go towards anger as a response emotion.

I just prayed for you and your son. It's not too late to get him headed right - their brains aren't fully developed until early-mid 20's. You go mom.

Does your town have a youth officer? S/he may know of resources.

Have you heard of Resolution Ranch in Texas?

Wilderness Ranch?

Trouble Teen Ranch

These might be places you want to google and then call.

You might also try attending a few alanon meetings.

I am sorry for what you are going through.

I wonder if his school counselors know of any camps or therapist that could work with him.

http://www.heartlightministries.org

Heartlight Ministries is in East Texas. It's a Christian residential place for troubled teens. The website has a lot of articles/resources and the founder is a published author.

I would move heaven and earth to send him there.

TOUGH GUYS AND DRAMA QUEENS: HOW TO NOT GET BLINDSIDED BY YOUR CHILD'S TEEN YEARS
by Mark Gregston
http://www.amazon.com/Tough-Guys-Drama-Queens-Blindsided-...

I'm very sorry about your situation. It's so hard. This is why divorce can be so HARD on a family down the line. It makes me sad to read on Mamapedia about families divorcing because of X, Y and Z and instead it being a quick fix, people are opening themselves up to bigger problems...

There is no male in the house to keep a strong-willed kid in line. I heard of a boy (18?) yelling at and beating up on his divorced mom in my neighborhood (yes, things can get that bad). A married, petite friend (firm mom, no nonsense, her 4 kids are really nice, obedient kids because she was so firm, yet kind) ran over and confronted the teen and they opened their (strong parents) home to him.

I'm not picking on you. I'm just venting. Sending you a big hug. And I agree, start going to your local church and see who you can talk to.

EDITED: I completely agree with Diane S. & NYMetromom. If you are not religious, you might want to start up with a Bible study class for yourself. I started Bible study classes at the age of 42 (3 years ago) and it's been SO eye-opening and life-changing. I now have women's Bible study that I attend and I'm SHOCKED at the AMAZING classes at my area churches (Divorce support for adults and children, Parenting classes, Boundaries, etc...) It's a remarkable community. EVERYBODY has problems. God has all the answers!!! And you will find you are NOT ALONE.

I myself considered getting that TOTAL TRANSFORMATION PROGRAM, but always hesitated for a few reasons. Right now, my 14-year-old son is doing a LOT better than the past. (He's actually doing chores now. That took baby steps, but he's helping.) A big part of that is having a STRONG dad in the house, who doesn't take his nonsense and puts him in his place. If he wasn't here, I'm certain I'd be in your shoes. Why? Because I'm a softie and always have been. That's my problem.

But it's not impossible. Nothing is impossible with God.

WEEKLY YOUTH GROUP for Teens
There is usually a weekly youth group (social and they learn about the Bible) and this can be a very good thing. I'm trying to get my son to go. The social aspect (nicer group of kids) will be the hook. I am going to pray for you as well.

We live near Buckner Children's Home. They have a program for people In your situation for cheap or free. I didn't pay attention to the particulars because it didn't apply to me. I would call them (they are in Beaumont, TX) and ask about it. They might have another home in the DFW area near you. Hang in there. You will get through this.

Check with a local church. Summer is coming up quickly, and there are ton of camps nearby. Also, what about Big Brothers organization or YMCA? The school counselor might be able to give you direction. If it's the fact that he needs a strong male role model, I would seek help by other men family members. Good luck.