Hi,
My son turns 3 this Saturday and has had a total change in behavior.
Here is an example of what we are experiencing, he whines when he is asking for anything and will keep it going until we either give in or he throws up(he makes himself cough and gets worked up until he throws up). He just started preschool a month ago and did great for the first week, these past three weeks have been very exhausting. For week 2, 3 & 4, he cries the entire 1 hr or so it takes for us to drive down to his school and at night when he remembers there is school the next day. He makes himself sick with worry(loose stool and crying until he starts a cough fit. Today, crying was less, but he did manage to throw up before walking into his classroom. What we have tried: Going down to his eye level and constant reassurance about the greatness of school, Rewarding him for a great week(when he has truly tried), setting a routine and having the entire family involved with his school(we attended the science fair and stayed for a few hours participating in the use of the exhibits.
Problem 2: He screams at me when I don't give him what he wants. If I am eating and he is talking to me, he will ask me to talk to him instead of nodding to acknowledge him. If I ask him to give me a second to swallow, he will throw a fit and tell me, "talk to me now mom." He has attempted to hit me and bite me when frustrated once and it occurred this past week.
Problem 3: He has become destructive to his toys. He was great with taking care of his toys, but lately he has thrown a specific one(his favorite one)against the wall, floor & chair just to see him fall to pieces and then request that we fix it just so that he can do it again.
What we have tried: With problem #2, this is all toward me, I spend the most time with him and when we are alone, things are fine, but if anyone else is around, this is the way he acts.
With Problem #3 , we have taken the toy from him(it's a Buzz Lightyear, who thankfully is very durable)and told him until he respects his toys, he can not have it back. He has 5 different Buzz light years and this is the only one he treats that way. Once he has displayed some remorse, we return the toy to him, only to see him do it all over again.
I am sorry for rambling on, but I have been trying to cope with these issues on my own, but I guess I am not doing such a great job .
Thank you.
I would like to thank everyone for their advice. So here's what has been going on, my son has almost completely adjusted to school(no more throwing up or loose stool). He actually wants to stay for snack time when I get there to pick him up. His behavior at home has also changed, yet again LOL. He is more helpful and is expressing himself by using his words. he still has some bad days, but they are def. fewer than a month ago and of course is expected at this age.
What I tried: I cut out the yelling completely. One mom had given me advice on how to use my "Angry Voice," and it works great. I now only yell when, if he has done something completely unacceptable(haven't really had to yell because he has really been trying to behave)and I let him know that I will use my Angry Voice if he gets out of hand.
With school he is outgrowing the anxiety. One mom advised that I come up with a routine and stick with it. So I gave it a try and found the perfect routine, one kiss on each check and an Eskimo kiss. His dad, who we drop off first, has the same routine with him. He now knows that once this is done, it's time to say goodbye. I also printed a picture of myself and laminated it so that he could carry it around ion school, the teachers have told me this really helps him when he is missing me.
So here's to easier days with my toddler, that is until he reaches the next stage.
Thank you.
Sounds like he feels like he's not being listened to. Also sounds like he's not liking the school. Have you asked him why he gets so upset? Maybe this just isn't a good school for him.
I agree that this behavior sounds like anxiety. Doe he have any other issues like ADHD? Sometimes foods can cause negative behaviors in kids too. IgE and IgG blood testing or an elimination diet can help identify if this is the problem. Anxiety is a tough one. I work with autistic kids and all the older kids have anxiety.
Hi! My daughter is almost 28 months and I can relate to you on most of this!!! She's not in preschool yet and I must admit I'm nervous :).My only advice is consistance. We have implemented a "naughty chair" which she must sit in if she is naughty-of course she sits next to it and slides her way across the floor! I keep putting her back, which can be exhausting but I have definatley seen a difference. I'm in the process of reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin,great book, and she suggested a book that she swears by. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I ordered it and am stalking the mailman until I get it!!! It sounds interesting to me and I wanted to pass it on to you! Don't think you aren't doing a good job at being a Mom-you are! I think it is the hardest thing I've ever done! We just need the tools to deal with the little munchkins!!! Good luck-I'm dying to hear others advice b/c I need it too!!!!!!
Without knowing everything about your son, it sounds really consistent with behavior of a 3 year old. I have found 3 to be much more challenging than 2 ever was because they're exerting so much more independence.
Interestingly, we had a similar issue with our 3.5 year old when he transitioned from one class to another at day care a few months ago. It took a good month before he was settled into his new class (and he's been at the facility 2 years and knew many of the kids in his new class).
So, I believe that the second and third problems are likely the fall out of the first and trying to adjust to a lot of different things at once.
In our house, we don't put up with the screaming and demanding behavior. If he acts like that, there's consistent discipline. Usually, it's taking away something he wants or was looking forward to (he lost being able to go to the library to get new books yesterday because he was "Captain Grumpy Pants" at the mall).
What we've found to be effective lately is rewarding him for his good behavior more than disciplining him for his poor behavior. Previously, we were focusing more on the negative behavior than we were on the positive. Now, when he does something great, we let him know. Yesterday, it was comforting his sister who was grumpy after being woken from her nap.
We have our moments, and we're certainly not perfect, but those are a few things that have helped. I believe the more you distance yourself from him and help him assert his own independence, the more you'll be happy with his behavior moving forward. Our son is a follower, he's not a strong personality (that's completely OK with us), but we want him to be able to be confident and independent when needed.
He has just undergone a MAJOR change in his little life and 3 yr olds are still terrible (not just at 2). Sounds like he just needs a lot of love and reassurance and encouragement. Sounds like my 3 yr old. He actually has undergone a teacher change in the school he's been at since he's 10 weeks old and I can see some of the same behavior...not as strong as your child but then again the change wasn't quite as much. He is acting out...clearly. I think you just keep doing what you are doing, but give him a bit of a break and when things seems to be out of control just stop and give him a hug, give him extra love and attention and just keep reassuring him.
My daughter went through terrible seperation anxiety at about this age. I got a couple of books that we read over and over and over! and we started new routines.... I will tell you that chances are that it's not the school - and that he's probably better once you leave - one of the HARDEST things I had to learn! It's better to set a routine, and stick with it... (two kisses on each cheek, a hug, and walk out or whatever works for you) than it is to try to spend time getting him to calm down.
The Kissing Hand is a fabulous book, as is a Pocket full of Kisses. Both by Audrey Penn.
I love you all day long - by Francesca Rusackas is good too!
I also got a small square blankey and pinned a picture of the two of us on it, and sprayed my perfume. She hung onto that for about the first 15 minutes, and knew that it was in her bag all day if she needed to be reminded of Mommy!
My daughter ADORED her 3 yr old teachers, and she still talks about them... so I know that it wasn't them - or the school (she's still there!)
wow!!!
well first things first i am really concerned not about to the extent he throws a fit but being that he throws up soo much, this is a HUGE sign of really bad anxiety, maybe of going places. ultimately having him throw up even frequently can put him at risk for all sorts of horrible things, his esophagus is to new and small to handle that amount of acid. i would take him to see a doctor about this ASAP. oddly enough i think some of his other behavior is coming from being anxious all the time, it can be frusturating and take a toll on a little body. My husband has anxiety just like that it has gotten much better but he would throw up when going somewhere. if he's doing it ALOT i'm tellin you it has been known to cause throat cancers and that....get on that first. on top of the fact he's a boy and 3 and starting preschool is always rough it was with my daughter too at first. I do think he needs to learn patience and respect you let him know that he is the child and you are the parent and he is NOT to speak to you in that tone or way. he dosen't call the shots. practice time out or something with him. he's old enough. all kids break there stuff and you fix it for them to do it again, kids are amazed at their little hands doing big things...thats why they throw it against the wall to hear the noise to see it it's all about learning oddly enough but he does need to know that we respect our things as well as others' things. of course he take all this out on you because u are his mama and he feels comfortable with you and knows u love him no matter what. keep in mind if he has a really bad anxiety he's only turning three, he technically has another year i started mine when she was 4 it may be a bit much for him at this stage and he's just not ready yet, i can tell that with my 2 1/2 yr old i don't really think she will be ready at 3 tohugh i would like her to be kids develop at their own pace....good luck!
do not give in, you must be consistent. if he throws up, let him.he will get tired of that very soon.show no reaction when he pukes and just clean him up w/o any drama.
preschool- i have three children, all have done preschool, none have shown such dramtic opposition. change schools...there is something not right. he is three, he is trying to tell you he hates the school.ps, why does it take an hour to get to school? cant u find one closer to home? he may be screaming over the ridiculous commute he has to make every day. just because u have to doesnt mean he does.if i was 3 and having to drive an hour every day id freak out too. loose stools and puking is a warning sign my sister.ur little man is telling you the only way he can.....it will NOT get better.he is suffering.
toys. hes 3, he's not gonna remmeebr why u took buzz away.if he throws it, u put it on counter and put him in time out and walk away. you may have to drag him back to timeout 10 times but he will grow weary and sit there eventually.after 3 minutes u explain why he was there, give buzz back. if it happens again, repeat process. you must be consistent. my oldest was hell on wheels and it took a lot for him to get it so consistency is key.
with wanting to talk to you while ur eating, thats kinda normal. they get over it. let him scream while u finish chewing the bite, then respond calmly. please dont expect to get through an entire meal w/o him talking to you. i spent a month with my middle wanting to sit in my lap every time i ate. frustrating?yeah.crisis?no. he soon moved on to something else.
pick your battles. hitting and throwing toys are non negotiable. screaming can be ignored, puke can be cleaned.
i cannot stress consistency enough and calm behavior on ur part.
listen to the more experienced moms. this sounds like ur first, and its so tough....ur trying so hard to do right and end up feeling like a failure...we have all been there...listen to your instincts, not ur husband, not the teachers....yoour gut! it is never wrong!!!
My son is just about to turn three and we're seeing much of the same behavior, maybe not quite as extreme.
On the school thing, I think school sounds not so great for him. It's one thing if he's making himself throw up, but loose stools? It sounds like anxiety, and if you can back off of school, I would. It sounds like he's really not ready. Why put him through all that trauma and make school something negative if you don't have to. Poor kiddo, it must be so hard and scary for him to feel so out of control.
The other behavior sounds like three year old behavior to me. His biggest payoff is YOUR response, so as disrespectful as it is, I think you should do everything in your power to ignore his behavior. Maybe when he screams at you tell him that you don't talk with people who talk to you that way and ignore him. Or you could tell him that it's hurtful and makes you sad when he treats you that way. As for the toys, talk about the right way to treat our belongings and if they break, they break. I think a good dose of ignoring to reduce payoff will help the behavior.
Best of luck. My little boy is just the sweetest thing on earth and he's been a little monster way too often as he approaches three.
I have a 3 1/2 yr old and I put him in pre school at 3 yrs...I could re-type everything you are going through. I took him out of pre school, got a nanny and everybody is sooo much happier. He want's to be home and with you. You can fight thru it and keep him at school but is it worth it? He's only 3 and soon he will be going to school permanately so why make him go before he's ready.
It will get better!
My friend had this sort of problem with her daughter in pre-school AND in grade school. She hated school and teachers kept telling her she'd get over it, but I think she cried and threw up and things like that through February or March. But she did finally settle down. She is a very nervous person like her father so what they did was limit her food in the mornings so there wouldn't be so much to throw up. Now that she is 12 she enjoys school, but still hates mornings and Sunday nights when she thinks about school on Monday. Poor thing. I would just keep encouraging him, but not be too overly indulgent about it. He is really young so maybe he's not ready for pre-school just yet. The toy thing and disrespect thing, well that's a totally different matter. If he yells at you, excuse him to his room and let him do his yelling there. Don't give in. If he destroys a toy, I don't think he should ever get it back. You are teaching him that he can do whatever he wants to his toys and if he says sorry he gets it back to repeat the performance. I would give the toy away or trash it. If you stick to your guns like that, eventually he'll learn he can't control you. Right now, at this age, it's mostly a fight for control, and he seems to be winning. Trust me, the issues will just get bigger and he will get bigger and you don't want to lose respect and control at this age.
When you say my son and then you say we, is the we his father or a boy friend.Your son is still a baby and should be treated as so until he feels the need not to be. Maybe you and we are pushing him to quick to do grown up things, I guess. Spend time with him on a schedule every day, his time alone with you. After you see how it works then incorporate the other person husband if this is who we are. Now, if the we is a boy friend that might be your childs problem, if the we is living with you and not your husband maybe you are spending more quality time with we instead of your son and he picks all of this up, give kids credit they are smarter than we think. Now, I am just saying , because it has been a long time for me having youngesters around the house and they can get jealous.How is the school does he like the teacher, is there are whinning child in the class , kids do copy one another. Another he sounds spoiled to no end, you tend to give him what ever he wants, only give him what he needs. 'You know I am only saying'
It is somewhat normal at that age to be exerting independence. He wants to do things himself and "you won't let him" so he throws a fit. Compromise on things that are not so detramental, like making him help with small stuff. Give and take a little and be patient. Make sure you have some set rules and are consistent with the "don'ts." Also, any change for them is scary at this time too. You're doing fine. Good luck.
Kids test boundaries regularly. You set them, they get it, they are happy. They grow up a little, remember those boundaries, and push against them again to see if they are really there. The boundaries we set are like a protective wall; if there is a hole in the wall, they will find it. When they are testing the boundaries, they are pushing against every board, seeing if it is secure. What they want is a secure, firm boundary so they know they are safe. He is doing this. He screams and screams - and learns that if he screams long enough he gets what he is screaming for. He is rude to you and gets your attention. He does not want to be the boss and rude and out of control - but those are the boundaries that he has. It's part of human nature to be tyrannical - one of the main jobs of parenting is raising children to be responsible, respectful, self-controlled adults. It starts now, little by little.
Take a step back. Think of your goals. Who do you want him to be at 25? Kind, thoughtful, respectful, a leader, interesting and interested in others? If he does not begin to learn not to be ego-centric (self-centered literally) now, he will be egocentric still at 25.
Specifically,
1. If he hates preschool, don't send him. If he is screaming and throwing up for weeks at a time, it seems very clear he is miserable. It seems he is angry at you for sending him away from you. He does not need to be in school until he is ready to read. Especially for boys, who start learning on average a year later than girls and are much more physically active, they need hours of climbing, playing, building, destroying, not sitting in circle time and being quiet.
2.Consequences. If you scream at Mommy, x. Immediate. No second chances. Boys do better with fewer words and clear immediate consequences enforced 100% of the time.
James Stenson's "Successful Fathers" and "Preparing for Peer Pressure" have been hugely helpful booklets for me ($2.95 each, amazon, and super easy reads). Michael Gurian's "The Wonder of Boys" is also phenomenally insightful, I found (available at libraries and amazon).
Being a mom is the most important and most challenging job a woman could ever have. It is full time and requires all our intellect, stamina and creativity. Put everything you have in to it - it is a profession worthy of great honor. (And take time to exercise, read, see a girl friend for coffee, too!).
You can do it.
1. Talk to the teachers. Find out if he interacts with kids and with which kids. FInd out if he participates in projects, etc. If you don't get positive feedback from the teachers, maybe you can take him to a home-day care. It can be a transition between home and school. It will be a nurturing home environment, but with other kids to socialize with.
2. don't give in when he screams. When my daughter demands something, I stop her, and tell her to say calmly, "mommy, can I have.... ?" Then she gets it. Immediate reward for polite behavior. I don't just tell her not to demand because she is too young to think of an alternative. After he masters getting what he wants when he asks politely, you can start introducing the concept that even when he asks nicely, he may still not get what he wants. But for now, model good behavior. Give him the words. Tell him exactly how to ask nicely and then immediately give him what he asks for.
3. Don't fix his toys. He will learn the consequences of being destructive. If he wants to break his toys, let him. If he is unhappy with that, he will stop breaking them.
PS-- has anything happened recently? divorce, death, lots of fighting, etc? If so, talk to him about it. If he is having feelings about an issue then he is not too young to talk.
I'm positive you will receive some very good helpful advice from all the other mothers, so I'll only make one comment regarding one of your sentences. "He cries the entire 1 hour or so it takes for us to drive down to his school". This seems an awfully long drive for a 3 year old. That would be a long drive to school for an adult! Maybe he dreads this long drive which triggers off his bad behavior/throwing up? Maybe he doesn't know how else to express himself with his little 3 year old frustrated mind? I feel sorry for your little guy, and I hope you can somehow make alterations to solve the problem for both your happinesses.
Dear D.,
I have a three-year-old too, and I agree with all the other moms
1. the terrible 3s ARE terrible
2. 3-year-olds do need clear boundaries -- clear, simple discipline is actually very calming to them.
3. something is wrong at that school. I do not say this lightly. That kind of reaction is outside the bounds of a normal school-reaction response. The school could be fine for other kids (or not), but it's clearly not okay for your little boy. At this age, children react all over the map to social situations. My little guy is very shy and sensitive (but can act out a lot at home if upset), and a perfectly normal co-op preschool just wasn't a good fit for him. He's doing much better in a Montessori school, where there's almost a magically calm, quiet atmosphere. So, please take your son's serious reaction seriously. You will feel much, much better after you do.
Okay, three more quick random thoughts: On the toy-destruction thing, while your son is going through this difficult time, he might just need a "mad toy" -- something he's allowed to throw, etc., as much as he wants. He's clearly got a very real, emotional need going on: sometimes the only thing we as parents can do is direct kids toward a less destructive way to meet said need.
On discipline: I am not a natural disciplinarian, but I eventually learned the hard way that children really need to know when they've crossed the line. It's actually very soothing for them to get the same negative reaction to the same negative behavior -- it makes their world stay in place. My son now knows that if he acts out, his Thomas trains go on top of the refrigerator. If he shapes up, back come the trains. After a few days of this, we went from five tantrums a day to maybe five tantrums a month. It gave my son this alternate form of being in control. He can get his trains back by being good -- so he doesn't need to elicit a bad response from us.
And, finally: You might take a look at your son's diet. Try getting him off gluten and/or dairy. I don't feel comfortable making an across-the-board recommendation on this, but I DO really recommend consulting with a pediatric naturopath or a holistic nutritionist.
Best wishes, and sorry to ramble. I hope I wasn't too harsh about the school thing.
Mira
