My Perfect Angel: a Bully!

I think this might be just a phase. However, if you do see this behavior at home, put him in time out. They did this to my son at daycare at this age because he'd push the other kids and/or take their toys. He's now about 22 months & they told me he's much better. If I witness any aggressive behavior at home such as throwing toys at us or the cats, he's in time out. He knows what that is now so when he starts to throw stuff, I ask him if he wants to go to time out & he'll look at the (time-out) spot on the floor & shake his head "no".

He's not a bully and for your caregiver to say that tells me they may not know a whole lot about little ones. Your son is a toddler learning about the world around him and his reactions and others reactions and what is appropriate and what is not. What your caregiver should have told you is that he is being a bit aggressive and that she/he is gently redirecting him while telling him we don't hit, we don't push, we share, etc whatever the infraction is. That's how toddlers learn acceptable and unacceptable behavior by reinforcement and redirection.

If this caregiver has no idea how to handle a situation this common and simple and the fact that the other kids in his/her care act out as well it would give me cause for concern and make me re-evaluate the entire arrangement.

You can't discipline him for behavior you don't see. Come to an agreement with your daycare provider on how to handle him when he does these things. He has no competition for his things at home and has not learned how to cope with other toddlers. He will! If your babysitter is loving and consistent, she will be able to get a handle on it there. Just be sure to have the conversation with you as to what you feel is appropriate discipline at his age and agree to it. He is little, and he will have a hard time sharing, etc for a couple of years. It is a normal state of development.

Wow.....didn't know at 19 months you could be a bully. Its only been happening for two weeks, so that tells me something is going on there. I am sorry but at his age monkey see - monkey do. Maybe she does not have a good handle on things, letting it go for two weeks. Why not nip it in the bud. I think I might reevaluate your care givers ways. What is her discipline at school??? I would not punish him twice. I would however talk to him, I mean he is only 19 months old.

I haven't read responses below, but I want to just say, be very careful labelling your child as a bully and ask the daycare provider to refrain as well.

Labels are hard to shake. Kids will begin to feel, well, I'm a bully, can't change that. It is a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. You can deal with the behaviors without the labels.

My 30 month old engages in annoying behaviors at times, I don't tell him he's annoying. Does that make sense?

Labels follow kids everywhere. Don't let that happen!

Did your childcare provider refer to your son as a bully, or is that how you're characterizing the behaviors? Because if it's the former, then I agree with Dori - she doesn't seem to know a lot about toddlers. (if you did it, then I think that's reasonable - it sure seems like bullying) This is totally normal toddler behavior, and it's very healthy parent behavior to be horrified by it! So everything's going well : )

I don't think that you can discipline him at home, because you can't really discipline at this age because he doesn't understand that other people have feelings that he doesn't have. So you can put him in the naughty spot to discourage the behavior, and you can redirect negative behavior, but it has to be in the moment. I would talk to your caregiver about how she handles the situation, and see if you can work on a system.

And you likely will start seeing this behavior at home soon - he'll hit you, try to grab stuff out of your hands. I would just treat him "bullying" you the same as him bullying his friends.

Good luck. This stage is always an adventure.

Well, to be quite honest, 19 mos. old is a little early to be considered a bully. :) Distraction, a firm NO, a 2 minute time out, what else can you do for a 19 mos. old? You are right, you cannot discipline a child this young for something he did earlier. You will have to pass on your advice to the caregiver because she will need to address it right after it happens. All kids go through this phase--and at 19 mos., my guess it is an early introduction to the terrible twos. My daughters both got feisty right around 18 mos.
P.S. I completely agree with Dori, the fact that your caregiver does not already know how to deal with this completely typical toddler behavior is very strange.

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It's very common at your sons age for them to test using physical bullying behavior. However, if it is continuing, then his caregiver is to blame. I'd tell her exactly how you want his behavior handled when he is with her, and get her to agree to it. We have a zero tolerance policy in this house, so when my daughter exhibited such behavior, she would be removed immediately, told we don't do that, etc. Since she never got anywhere with the physical stuff, she stopped quickly. I also worked role playing with her, telling her what to say in certain circumstances so she had other tools.

Her best friend, on the other hand, is turning into a bully. She's been exhibiting very physical behavior for at least 6 months, and today she hit two kids during playgroup.She also almost pushed a kid down the stairs the other day.

Do not let your caregiver freak you out. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your child. You have not done anything wrong, or led your son down "the wrong path."

A 19-month old baby cannot be a bully. Your son is becoming fully aware of the world around him -- and is beginning to learn how to reach out and take what he wants. He has absolutely no understanding that other people have feelings. In fact, he doesn't even understand cause and effect (that his actions can cause something else to happen). Your son's entire world is becoming about him and his wants. Welcome to the "terrible twos!"

Yes, this is the appropriate time for you and your childcare provider to start teaching him that "we don't take things from other people's hands." However, at 19 months old, he will not be able to easily comply -- let alone self-monitor himself! Further, at this age, he is too young for punishments. You and your childcare provider should be using distraction and redirection with him. And, if your childcare provider does not understand this concept, you may want to consider finding a new one.

Try to get a hold of the book, "Discipline-The Brazelton Way" by T. Berry Brazelton, MD. It focuses on discipline for age 0-6yrs. At this age, discipline involves teaching (not punishment), and providing boundaries that all kids require. And get a copy for your caregiver. I think she needs to lighten up.

Hi A.,

You are right in that you can't possibly respond to this issue at home, after the fact. Your son is much too young for that. My thoughts are:

1) Your son's caregiver needs to be much more communicative with you. The fact that the behavior has been going on for weeks without you knowing is cause for concern.

2) You need to discuss with the caregiver how the behavior is being dealt with at daycare. Find out what she is doing and insist that she respond in a way that is in line with your parenting. Otherwise, it might be time to find a new daycare.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

Hey A.,

I'll tell ya - my boys are rough. And I agree with McK4 - 19 mo. is awfully early to be considered a bully. Also - thats a little mislabeled in my opinion - if he were a bully, he'd be bullying lots of other children too. It sounds to me like he got tired of being treated that way and learned to defend himself a bit - which (in my opinion) isn't a bad thing.

Maybe you could tell his care provider that she may correct him when he does something clearly out of line (like hitting or kicking and taking toys) in a way that you see fit... but other than that, there isn't a whole lot you can do.

In the future - I'd keep an eye out for bully/bossy-ish behavior with other kids... but he sounds like a sweety that just got sick of being picked on. Boys are rough and they learn quickly how to not get pushed around.

Good luck!

Hi A., I am a daycare provider as well, and I would never let a behavior go for weeks before notifying the parents. You mentioned biting, that is something that I do not tollerate and if I have a biter I give the parents 2 weeks to get that under or the child will be terminated children need to be able to be safe in daycare, it sounds to me, and I'm not making excuses for your son,but he's probably tired of being bullied, and at 19 months, you can't discipline him at home for something that happens in daycare, most 19 months old's won't remember what they did wrong. At this age discipline needs to be done at the time the negative behavior occurs. You said it right when you said you can't discipline him at home for something he did that morning, because he won't have any idea why he's being disciplined, not at this age. It's my opinion as a daycare provider of 13 years that your provider needs to watch the kids more closely so there is no bulling, I have zero bulling in my daycare. J. L.

Get these books and read them to him and have him bring them to school..
"Hands Are Not For Hitting" "Mouths Are Not for Biting" "Excuse Me" u can get them at Target or a book store..my son had the same thing happen..his older playdate friend ..who is still violent ..was hitting him a lot and finally one day he pushed back..then he started doing that at school...until the teacher moved the other child into another class..then all the notes stopped coming..so they knew it was the other child.
Read those books to him and teach him to hug it out..i have taught my son that when someone hits him to say.."hey lets be friends and hug" he even says "hug mom" when i get mad..
he's now 4..and people always tell me he's their favorite..he has never been timed out by me..i think his dad has done that but we're not together..
i do hug it out and i always tell him when i take him to school "to have friends you have to be a friend"
u can yell at him..u can lock him in rooms u can discipline all kinds of ways but i think its better to really just talk it out..
19 months is still young ...its in their nature to be like little cave people..i also didn't send my son to preschool til he turned 3 so maybe that's why he wasn't too pushy etc..
maybe change daycare? my son goes to Kids Klub in Pasadena..only 2 afternoons a week..
he is also on the computer ...i know a lot of parents are against that but he goes on about an hour a day...and he has learned SO much from it..
i bought him programs like Thinking Skills ..Same or Different and Kid Pix..
he is really becoming quite the little artist from Kid Pix...something about it has made him more creative and understanding.
well good luck..get those books..and tell the teacher when they hit to remind them of the book..and say "hands are not for hitting" and read it to all the kids...
for some reason when they see it in a book they think it is gospel.

Probably the caregiver needs to be consistent in disciplining the children for this type of behavior. Whether it's your child or the other children. If she has a zero tolerance for bullying and follows through each time with ALL of the children she has, then I would imagine that it wouldn't be an issue at all... You could also remind him when you drop him off to "be nice to the other kids." But it's hard if you're telling him to be nice but the other kids are bullying him also... it would be very hard for him. Good luck and hang in there...

A 19-month-old is NOT a bully! He may be displaying aggressive behavior, but that is his behavior. To call him a bully is to make the assumption that this behavior is part of him, is intentional, and is not going to change. It sounds like this day care needs some support in creating a peaceful environment in which that kind of aggression is not tolerated. How many children are there? How many adults?

There is very little that you can do at home to affect a behavior that you don't see at home in a child that age (assuming that he's not witnessing violence at home, including violent tv or video games). Behaviors change based on immediate consequences, and your caregiver needs to develop a plan with you (and the other parents) on how she will respond to aggressive behavior. A place to start is to recognize that the behavior does not define the child, and that to label a child a bully is not going to affect the behavior, but may affect the attitudes of the children and adults who interact with that child. Also, if she responds aggressively and forcefully, she will increase the aggressive behavior, rather than decrease it. Removing him from a situation in which he is being aggressive, distracting him, making it clear that the behavior is unacceptable (no, you cannot hit/bite). You don't mention how much your little guy is talking, but words help a lot and your caregiver has a wonderful opportunity to help teach him how to act more appropriately. Good luck! Let us know what happens.

A bully at 19 months? He's showing age appropriate behaviour. Not that it's ok or right, but he can't verbally express himself at this age. I wouldn't worry to much over it and really there's not much you can do if this isn't happening in front of you.

I agree as well with the other poster that mentioned refrain from labeling him as a bully. He's not!

Good Luck!

Yes you can discipline for what he did at school. You will have to talk to him about what happened, and he will remember as long as you just 'talk' about it and he doesn't feel like he is in trouble. Of course, he needs to face a consequence and that consequence can be at school. Work out the form of punishment with the care provider then let him know what will happen, at daycare, if the behavior happens again. It will be good that he knows the two of you are on the same page. This is typical being in daycare. You can't escape it unless you have someone come into your home or he is the only child at someone else's home. It could be reflection of the provider but most likely not, just the interaction with other kids. This is where they learn boundaries with others. As a teacher, I let my parents know their child may or may not behave the same way at school as they do at home. It is a totally different atmosphere being in a room with other children and an adult that is not family.

Hello, Of course, this is only my opinion. I did licensed daycare for about 15 years. I did have to speak to parents occasionally about their child's behavior. However, I don't see how you can be expected to discipline your 19 month old son after the fact. It needs to be dealt with immediately. Is there any way that you can spend an aftenoon at the daycare to observe and deal with these issues? Maybe when he sees that it is not okay with you, he might change the behavior. He is at an age where this could just be his way of expressing frustration with other kids. Maybe he just got tired of getting picked on and has now taken the "I'll get you first." road. Hopefully, this will pass in time. How is the daycare provider dealing with him? Our grandaughter is almost 19 months old. She has Down Syndrome and we are very aware when she is on track with children of her age. For the last couple of months, she will be playing with one of us and suddenly (for no apparent reason) reach out and slap us. None of us has done this to her. I told my daughter that, in a way, it is a good thing. She is on track with what a child of her age should be doing. I might mention that she tests out below average on her physical skills, on track with her cognitive thinking and six months ahead in her social skills. Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much unless this continues. Make sure that you sitter is being positive with your son.
Good luck with your precious son.
K. K.