Empowering Kids Against Bullies

I have some cousins who are less than confident (to be nice) as well as my own child. My brother began sending his child to karate or Tae Kwon Do and said that his son loves it and his confidence has greatly improved. Now I am totally against fighting and want to ensure you that as my brother explains this, it is not a tool to fight but one of self control and confidence. I think this would be a great benefit to any child who is the subject of bulling as it usually begins because other (mean) children see the weakness in others and exploit. You really don't see children with high self esteem and confidence bullied.

I plan on looking around my area for a class when my son gets a little older and wanted to share as my brother has loved how it has benefited his son.

Good Luck!
VillageMom
www.ittakesavillagedallas.com

you might try inviting the bully over for a play date... I know that we had a bully in our neighborhood who was acting out because he didn't have any friends, and didn't know how to behave in a group setting. One of the parents invited him over, and he made friends with the kid and did a complete 180 in his behavior. Just make sure that if you DO invite this kid over, you supervise closely. The one on one interaction with another kid his age might be just the thing he needs.

hello
my son was bullied in 2nd grade by an 8th grader of all things... he was called fat and laughed at on several occasions.. now why an 8th grader finds it funny to tease such a young kid was beyond me.. of course I was upset with it and let it slide for the first two times but when my son told me that he would go to school and try and avoid this kid, I thought.. no way should my son have to be afraid at school.... I talked to the principal and in turn, she made the kid apologize .. from then on, the 8th grader was kind.
As for speaking to my son about it. I tried to be as open and honest about it as possible. I also made it clear that in no way did my son deserve this and too that it was not his fault. Additionally, I told him and still do that he is VERY loved for who he is.. for months afterward, I did ask him how he was feeling about himself (why? because, after the incidents) my son began to refer to himself as fat :( :( Although he was on the husky side , I didn't want to lie to him and say , no you are not fat.. but at the same time, I didn't want to cause him to feel uneasy about his body.. it was a tough call.. my son is no dummy.. he would point to his tummy and say it jiggles.. :) therefore, IF I said oh no you aren't chubby or fat, my son wouldn't buy it... )
Instead I tried to put it terms of we are all built differently and therefore unique. Seems to be working for now.. :)
so my best advice would be.. try and keep the lines of communication open with your child. check in with them, ask them how they are feeling about things..
I found the best time for this was at night , right before bed.. when they are more relaxed and seem more willing to reveal their day and feelings..
the other thing I did was explain to my son that I had a feeling the 8th grader was also teased (ironically, he was also fat)...
really... depending what type of bullying is going on.. each instance may require a different strategy.. what's most important is to just re-emphasis to your child that they are NOT to blame... also, that your child continue to speak up and not keep it a secret... again, keep those lines of communication open...

It is so hard to send kids off to school knowing there are mean kids out there. Good for you for starting early. I think it's important to teach your son right away that you aren't in charge of other people, you are only in charge of yourself. Teach him how to use phrases like "I don't like that, stop doing that now" in a clear and firm voice. Also teach him to look kids in the eye and not look submissive. And of course, teach him how to walk away and ignore. The most important thing about doing these things is to practice. Role play with him. Most kids love the pretend situations, so practice with you and him, or have your husband and you act this out and then he can practice, too.

I'm all for keeping in contact with the teacher. I'll tell you something that will be helpful throughout your kids' schooling, is to make sure you're asking how you can help. Teachers are inundated with "this kid is bugging my kid", "make this kid stop...", etc. Of course you do need to stick up for your kid, but an approach that makes teachers happy is to explain the situation and then ask what you can do at home to help it, or what they suggest you do in this situation. This just lets them know you are not dropping problems in their laps, you are wanting to work together toward a solution.

The role play helped my daughter the most. And I'll say that standing up for herself early on helped to establish this behavior in her and make her comfortable saying 'no'. And it also let kids know early on that she is not a good target.

Good luck.

I taught my son at 2 1/2 it was Ok to hit BACK when a kid was hitting him everyday in the gym daycare. And to yell "Stop it" right away if someone is mean. My daughter also knows to yell right away at kids who start to be mean, not to wait until it becomes hard or awkward, and they are both taught to go to the side of a bullied child and NEVER side with a bully or laugh, or keep quiet when kids are being mean. She's currently at a Christian school (where the parents and school use discipline) where there literally is no bullying, but if we ever switch her, I have her prepared and will always stay up on it.
First and foremost let your kid know that it is not only OK to strike back, but it is necessary. Bullies are cowards who pick easy prey. Nowadays they are often spoiled toddlers who bullied their parents and grew older with no conscience. Hopefully this will turn around, but for now, kids need to defend themselves and each other.
Back in the day when kids feared and respected authority figures, bullies were rare abused and neglected kids. My school had probably 2 mean kids in it, and everyone knew there was HELL to pay for being mean at school from the principal, the teacher and MOST OF ALL the parents. Now that parents will put their biting, hitting, tantruming angry kids in measly time outs and ignore, redirect and distract them instead of dealing firmly with them, the bully statistics are through the roof. Until parents treat aggressive behavior in toddlers as a capital offense and not something "they'll outgrow on their own" (because they obviously don't-statisitcs show it's kids who admit to having no problems at home who are bullying now) this problem will keep getting worse. I know some toddlers right now who are future bullies including the one who was hitting my son. Thankfully my son whalloped him finally, at least he taught him something if his parents wouldn't.

Kids will always bully. The world has all different levels of bullying and it is more important to teach our children how to deal with it if they are bullied because realistically we can’t make it stop forever. I would look into karate or some other martial art. My son was the kid who was like a magnet for bullies. He is small and shy and very smart a perfect target for kids who aren’t feeling that good about themselves. He has never gotten into a fight but his confidences changed after he started and we have seen the bullying decrease and where kids do still pick on him he can better shrug it off because he now knows he isn’t the things these kids are saying. They can say he is too small or weak and he can shrug it off because he is smarter then most of the kids in his class and he can probably kick their butts if he ever needed to. The thing is martial arts aren’t about beating anyone up and he learned that from day 1. He knows that he isn’t going to use it but the confidence he has gained in knowing it’s there is immeasurable. He was able to effectively block a punch thrown at him over the summer without hitting back and it scared the puncher so bad he now avoids my son at all costs. (I was there I know he didn’t hit him he just grabbed and held his wrist and calmly told him never to try that again) In preschool they really just learn the basic moves if you are worried about him learning to hit, he won’t. My son started at 4 and now at (almost) 11 is a blue belt (5th level). It won’t stop the bullying, sadly we can’t do that, but at least it will provide a way to cope with it if it doesn’t stop. Definitely stay involved at the school and do all that you can to stop this but teaching our children that life isn’t always fair and good also has to be part of our jobs again. Far too many kids don’t learn that lesson and then have no way to handle it when life teaches it to them. Good luck!

I think it is increadibly important to start establishing and boosting your child's self esteem NOW. A child feeling good about themselves will be the best combat to others trying to make them feel the opposite. I also don't minimize it. I explain that there are people all over the place: kids and grown-ups too that feel bad about themselves, and try to make others feel the same, or that some people are just mean. That, it is still their job to be kind, but they are free to avoid others who aren't kind.

I'm at the same point with my son. He's very chilled out by nature, so he doesn't know what to do with aggressive kids.

The response, of course varies by age. Always tell the teacher or another parent, and use your words as much as you can. Never be the person to hit or push. But if someone does that to him first, it's OK to push back. I want him to defend himself, but never be the instigator.

We'll be putting DS in karate next year (he's 2.5 now) to help with self confidence, and of course, knowing how to handle himself should he ever be in a fight.

I'm just not of the camp where I suggest to tell the teacher and then let the parents handle it. I happen to think that it makes things worse for the kid, in the end. Because bullies will find a way, no matter how many "adults are watching". It will boost his self esteem if he knows how to back a bully down from the beginning.

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Hi, Diane:

The concept of restorative circles are being practices in PA.
If you can get a consultant from the: International Institute for Restorative Practices at: www.iirp.org

to come into your school and teach the staff how to run circles this would be of great help to you.

Bullying (individuals) and Mobbing (groups) are becoming a way of life in our country. Thanks for being involved.

Good luck.
D.

So far I agree with most of the responses!

I might add that all schools at all levels really need to add an anti-bullying component to their curriculum. Because while communication with parents and teachers is great, there are soooooo many things that happen no one ever finds out about. What I have learned from research in this area is that one of the best ways to address bullying is to have ALL children understand the importance of stepping in...peer support goes a long way. And if the other children are not comfortable stepping in on the spot, they tell adults about it. Anti-bullying curriculum's are designed to teach kids why stepping up is important and HOW to do it in a way that is as comfortable as possible. Because it's the HOW part that humans struggle with, even adults! How often have we, as adults, seen something in public and 'minded our own business'?

So other than the wonderful wise input from the other mama's, I might recommend talking with the school about adopting some sort of curriculum that is based on teaching kids how to take care of one another as a collective whole and how to ask for help if not getting it. If it is a regular part of the curriculum, as opposed to a once or twice or even week-long thoroughfare, then the positive impact has been shown through research to work very well at all grade levels.

Lots of luck on this...wish we didn't have to start worrying about this stuff at such young ages but I guess it's better than waiting until the dreaded teen years when it has the potential to get really out of control!