My Friend Told Me She Should Not Have Had a Child

There's nothing wrong with that realization. Some people shouldn't have children. What is sad though, is hearing that she and her son are unhappy.

Maybe you can keep coaching her on the relaxing and not being so controlling. If she lightens up and tries to enjoy the process, she will discover it's not as difficult as she is making it.

Hopefully for her son's sake, she will.

This poor woman sounds BEYOND overwhelmed. I get a hint of depression. I would recommend she speak with her physician for a full evaluation as the doctor may be able to recommend therapy/family counseling/meds as appropriate. I really feel sorry for her. This is no way to live.

I'll be honest, I have felt that way.
I would NEVER wish my kids weren't here. I love them with all my heart.
But it is hard to be a mom, as you know :)
I've had moments where I think I shouldn't have been a mom because there are things I just can't handle.
I sometimes feel like I wish I had waited.
I had my 1st son when I was 22. Now I'm 25(till sun) and I have 2 kids.
I kinda feel like I missed out on that "20s" phase.
I didn't get to go drinking with my friends, go to parties etc

But again I would NEVER change my situation.
I have 2 wonderful babies and an amazing b/f.

She needs to talk to someone... My son is 5YO now, and I'm just starting to "enjoy" being a Mom. I got pregnant in my 30's, after being married for almost 10 years, and let me tell you: it was a shocker. I mean, I KNEW in my brain that kids changed everything, but I still didn't deal well. Post-partum depression, guilt from going back to work, trying to "control" the schedule of a toddler around my set-in-stone "adult" life...

It's taken me 5 years to figure out where my priorities lie, what battles are worth fighting and when to just relax. Some women just need time to adjust - maybe some aren't cut out for it at all - I'm sure in time she can figure out ways so that she and her son can enjoy eachother. Be supportive. Be there.

I have never regretted having my kids, but from time to time I do feel grossly inadequate. It is usually a sign that I need a break and some help. Are you able to give her some time off once a week or so, maybe just an hour or two?

I can kind of relate to your friend. I love my kids but raising them is exhausting and I thought I would be a lot better at being a parent than I am sometimes. Some days you just have to make the best of it. Hopefully it isn't every day for her. If she really is unhappy all the time maybe she needs to talk to someone about it (counselor, friend, keep a journal, etc) and try and change her attitude.

Sometimes a parent and child don't have a great fit in terms of personality and that can make it harder for everyone. I know I have one of my two kids who is just harder to handle than the other--he is high energy a real limit tester and my other one is much more easy going (though not perfect either). Another thing it may help your friend to know is that toddlers and preschoolers are just a lot of work and it really is all teaching and discipline at this age--but it gets better. If you are putting in the work now with the teaching and discipline it will sink in eventually (even if it seems like it takes forever at the time). My mom and many of my friends with older kids all said it gets easier around age 5. I didn't see it immediately on his 5th birthday but my son is 5 and 8 months and there have been big gains in maturity between 4.5 and 5.5 (several friends and relatives have noticed as well). Child development experts say to expect a shift in maturity and logical thinking around 7 too but my kids are not there yet though i have seen it in other kids. It also helped me to get my son in pre-K for half days and now in K for full days. I get a break so I'm not so burnt out on constant discipline. My son often tends to behave better for the teacher than for me. If your friend is doing almost all the parenting work she needs a break sometimes--it is hard to keep a positive attitude and not be cranky if you are burnt out and exhausted. I struggle with this one a lot myself but it isn't just me. There was a study done that confirmed that people feel more negative when they are sleep deprived (they confirmed by looking at brain chemistry).

If your friend is really a perfectionist it might help her to read up a little. I suggest The Mommy Myth which is all about how women are under increasing pressure to be perfect and competitive about mothering in the last 3 decades (and the author did lots of research to back this up). A more humorous take is Bad Mother--this is more humor than research but is a fun read by a mother of 4. Also there is a there is a child development theory of "good enough parenting." I can't recall the name of the psychologist but the theory is that if you get most of the big stuff right the small stuff with tend to work itself out. I worked in the social work field and I did see that play out more often than you might expect.

I have rambled all over but my last point is that if your friend is really unhappy then it wouldn't hurt to try counseling. If she resents her child he will sense it. I say that not just because I am in the mental health field but because it my mom did it. She went to counseling when I was in college and my sister was in high school and it definitely improved her relationships with both me and my sister.

Edit: I see some posts with the "if she didn't want to work at being a mom she shouldn't have had kids" attitude. That kind of judgmental attitude makes me angry and doesn't help anyone. Most people don't know what it will be like to be a parent until they have a child (and you don't get to pick the child you get unless you adopt). I know I worked with kids in many situations (from babysitting as a teenager, working at sleep away camp, in a group home, as a case manager and as a family therapist) and none are exactly the same as being a parent. Some things you can only learn by doing.

I really hate when women say this. If you didn't take the time to think through the responsibility that comes with the joy of having children then you shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place. It's parents like your friend who make maladjusted adults. If you can tell that this family is broken and unhappy...just imagine how this poor child feels. I can respect not trying to pass judgement, but this is a devastating statement. Especially because there are so many men and women out there who would love to be parents no matter how much work it is.

I have never felt that way. Overwhelmed? Absolutely! But I believe our kids are a gift from God. No regrets when it comes to our kids, except when I screw up.

She may just need to take some time to herself each week like an hour or two. If her husband isn't acting like a dad and she is the only one doing the parenting, they need to get some counseling together.

I, too, felt overwhelmed. My daughter was supposed to be hospitalized for 2 weeks, ended up being 6 months, 6 surgeries. I was already in counseling, thanks to my OB. I took advantage of free counseling in the hospital + kept going.

My doc said "all women feel their children are a burden." Which helped ME to hear that.... but the doc was a guy..... so take with grain of salt. Maybe he meant "at some point."

I never got to "enjoy" my baby -- one of the visiting nurses said, eloquently, "you've been robbed".

Anyway, I couldn't afford the time/money to continue counseling, so I got help in the way of a Stephen minister through the church.

When my daughter was 4-1/2, things (health-wise) got SO much better. She is/was a dream child, so loving, obedient. God really gave me a gift (beauty for ashes).

However, I still find childrearing overwhelming sometimes....mainly due to the culture we live in, the constant school stuff, SO many choices, yada, yada, yada....

For your friend: I read a lot of stuff about parenting styles: permissive, authoritarian -- and authoritative (in the middle), which is what I strive for.
Edited: I also kept a journal. To be completely honest, I felt like running away....had started a plan. I sure wish Mamapedia had been around back then!!!

She sounds like she has buyers remorse.
Yeah, having kids is not all rainbows, roses, glitter and unicorns - but what is?
'Not knowing what's right and wrong' - I'm wondering what that's all about.
Not every parent is in love with every stage of child development.
She might do better when her child is older.
Not every person is cut out to be a parent.
It's nice if they realize this before having kids, but it doesn't always happen.
She's not likely to have more kids, and that's fine.
Some parenting classes (or counseling) (is she depressed?) might help her find a direction and some guidance.
I'm glad every single day we have our son.
There have been a few moments I wasn't totally in love with (terrible 3 tantrums) but we weathered the storm and he's a happy, funny, healthy, bright and talented kid.
I can't imagine what I'm going to do when he goes off to collage in 5 or so years (maybe I'll get a cat to help fill my empty nest) but he has us bursting with pride and happiness all the time.

I think personally she needs to go and get some counseling. Sounds like life is stressful and she could be depressed or have such a high anxiety level where you can't enjoy life. This is no way too live...If Dad isn't saying much what's their relationship like? I am sure she doesn't want to be divorced. I do not regret my three kids for a minute...They bring such joy to my life that I can't even begin to explain. Yes exhausting but so worth it.

Isn't saying she has no regrets putting her statement into context? She's at a tough time and thinking "geez, I'm not cut out for this." I'd tell her it'll get better. It sounds like her husband doesn't support her and she needs some cheerleading. And/or maybe an anti-depressant. I'd be more worried though if she actually said she regrets having her son. Maybe she had a great life before her son was born. I love my children beyond reason but I can't say they saved my life bc I was doing fine before them. So if I hear someone say my children saved my life, I think 'wow, that's extreme. You must have been doing really badly." That's ok but not everyone was so unhappy before kids. Some people were having fun, were fairly carefree etc. It is perplexing her son is actually unhappy. Most 4 year olds live in the moment so are happy when they're playing etc. I think you're right to encourage her to relax and maybe try to find her some good books. There are ones about motherhood that are written by women who struggle too. They would make her feel less alone. That blog about Donna's cancer story is a good read and will help her realize how lucky she is to have a healthy chid and how devastating it would be to lose her son. Hopefully her husband will get more involved too...

I think your response was spot on, but if she's wired to be controlling by nature, it's REALLY hard to let go of it. I used to be an uber-control freak and it took a few tragedies and health issues to help me re-focus my brain onto the positives of life :)
She sounds like a worrier too - someone who is afraid of failure. Hopefully she'll realize one day that she doesn't have to do everything perfectly - that if she loves her son, that's what he'll remember into adulthood ;)
If my friend told me that, I'd hug her and say "I know, it's so hard...and you do have to give up so much of yourself once you have a family. Sometimes I don't know how we do it!" and then let her talk some more.
She may have been having a 'moment', or she may actually feel this way all the time, which would be tragic. I'd just encourage her to talk as much as she can - let her know that her feelings are valid and that she is not alone. She definitely needs to talk to someone - and obviously she trusts you. Hope this helps and good luck to you both!

I have had times when I will think (not say) that life would have been easier if I hadn't had kids. Relationships would have been easier and responsibiities lessened. But, I would also be a different person today if I hadn't had them.

It is true enough statement because I had my son when I was 19 to there was a lot as a young mom that I missed out on especially since his father and I split and I was a single mom, working full time, trying to do it all. So when I met my husband, even though we did have some time to ourselves it wasn't the same because it was still an instant family and that's the way it is. We now have an almost 5 yr old daughter (15 years younger than my son) so just as we would have had some freedom, we're doing it all again. That said, true as it is, I love my children with all my heart and can't imagine life without them.

It does sound like your friend may be struggling with all the responsibilities and maybe things aren't right in her marriage which can make you feel like this too. I would guess, she probably needs a shoulder to cry on and possibly some support system.

I've never felt that bad, but I am very laid back by nature, and my goal is to be the opposite of my mother who was detached and selfish - also not my nature, thank goodness. Being a parent is HARD, and I'm sure she's not alone in feeling that way. It's a 24/7 job with no training, no long vacations, and you can't retire.

Some people were raised a certain way - autocratic, etc. and that is how they know to parent. Or their parents were detached and they weren't good role models. Parenting isn't about control, it's about helping children to become the best adults they can be, helping them to explore the world and also to see it through their eyes, etc.

She sounds like she is depressed - if dad is uninvolved re. their child, he may be uninvolved in general. She could be overwhelmed and feel she has no where to turn.

If she likes to read or take classes, perhaps you can help her find a Love and Logic class in your area. It's an involved but not controlling way to parent and it's all about learning to make good choices. And she should possibly talk to her doctor, because if she's truely depressed, getting help will be a great thing.

Hugs to you for being a good friend, and to her that she gets through this.

I have never felt that way, no. My child is the light of my life and besides my husband, the very best thing that I've ever known. Sure, it's not always the easiest to raise a child to be a productive and positive member of society; but in my eyes, it's the most rewarding thing that we can do as humans.

I don't quite know what I would say if a friend revealed this to me. I guess I would try to get to the root of those feelings ... is this a particularly tough time in regards to the child's behaviors? Or is it causing stress in the marriage? Or is the friend ill-equipped to manage parenting strategies (and perhaps a parenting class would help)? I would definitely say that this person should not have any more children that may spread her too thin and really cause problems in the household.

I am betting, however, that at some point, she will no longer feel this way. Perhaps it will be once the child is an adult. I feel sad for your friend.

Well, I think most parents can feel overwhelmed at some point. I have felt overwhelmed. I have not felt that having my son was a mistake.

People have kids for lots of reasons...some good...some bad. I don't know why your friend had her child--I don't know her reasons.

I feel very sorry for the child though. :(

I don't know that I would "say" anything if a friend told me this. I mean truly REGRETTED having a child--not overwhelmed, busy, needs a break, etc.

If it's O. of the other things, I might offer to take her child from time to time to give her a break, suggest hiring some help with the house, etc.

I suggest professional councelling and parenting classes for her, she might be depressed or wishes for a supportive spouse/may be she didnt have supportive parents while growing up. Having kids at a young age is very tough I am sure.

Be a friend,and offer your support the best way you know how. We know parenting is not a PERFECT process.

PS: We chose to have a child in my early thirties and was prepared, my child development knowledge helps, but I know that being a parent is difficult, being a good parent each day is a CHOICE we make and we are having fun/enjoying our son and his growing years. Having a supportive life partner is a blessing.

Best wishes

I met a woman in an infant group who felt this way. She had her first and only in her late thirties. She was very stressed out and that stress passed on to her child. Infancy was not at all joyful for her. She complained a lot. It became clear that she missed her freedom and independence. She was an artist and loved to travel and all that changed. I have not seen her in years, but I have thought about her child.

I have never felt this way.
I think it is good she has this realization and I am also glad she shared it and that you are concerned.. Now it is time to let her know you are concerned about her. No judgement. Just concern. She could have just been venting, could be this is the hardest confession she has ever made. Do not shut her down or out.

She sounds depressed. Could be chemical, could be mental. Maybe she really does have true regrets.

Being a parent takes so much energy. For years you are totally in charge of the care of another human being. Some people are not good at this.
Like Marathon running..

Not all women are natural mothers. Some have to work really hard at it.
Hard for those of us that motherhood just feels so right.

Make sure you continue to let her speak freely with you and you make sure you suggest she just check in with her doctor.

I'd tell her to go talk to someone to help her deal with her child. It is a tragedy that she and her 4 year old are so unhappy.

She needs to do it now before he's a teen.

A play therapist might be very useful to come in and observe how they interact with each other in the home.

Try to get her to see the wisdom in it, Mom.

Dawn

No, I have never felt that way.
I adore my daughter. There are times when I miss being able to do things at the drop of a hat. But, having her in my life is so much better.
It sounds like your friend is overwhelmed and could use some support. Her hubby should be the one giving it, but it sounds like she could use a friend too. I would talk to her maybe she is angry with hubby for not being more helpful.

I think many people go through periods of helplessness in child rearing. Is she depressed? Meds might help and so might counseling. I was at my wits end with small children, not knowing I had a rare autoimmune disease leaving me with barely enough energy to get through the day, never mind achy body parts and joints. A diagnosis, meds and then changing my diet made me a different person.

I'm glad you're not being judgemental as that wouldn't help. I wish the best for your friend and her son.

I am someone people feel free to say anything to. The first time a M. told me this, I was scared for the child and M.. I could not imagine feeling that way.
Then she told me about how difficult the second baby was, how he nearly died, how is cries all the time in such a dramatic manner, how she can't sleep because he is right beside her at all times or screaming, etc... I understood what she meant then. He is exhausting to be around.

If you can be a safe place for her to vent, you can possibly suggest things she never thought of. Could she barter some time with a babysitter in exchange for computer help or cleaning? could she join mops and let someone watch the baby for 2 hours a week? what about Moms Day out?

Libraries have books like 1 2 3 Magic and Love and Logic to help with discipline. There are free parenting classes every where now.

Also, common sense things like no caffeine for children, kids can't live on fast food, kids must have 8-10 hours of sleep, he needs a schedule, etc...

WOW! That's really sad, but I have a few friends who haven't "said that" but they act that way. Rather than being too controlling though, they sort of thought their kids would be fashion accessories, and that they (my friends) could keep up their care free self centered lives, and the kids would flourish and be glamorous and advanced all on their own, and now that their kids behavior is totally awry and unbearable, they're feeling overburdened by parenthood. I think it's good she said this to you, just offer support the best you can.

No, I've never felt that way. I LOVE having kids in every way, and the responsibility is rewarding to me, but everyone is different. There are other things I would be terrible at.

I was 18 when I got pregnant with my first and in a VERY bad place in my life; I could have said I had no business having a baby, but it was kind of understood.

Fast forward almost 10 years, and I would change not one. little. thing. Everything happens for a reason.

Your friends sounds like the type of person, and I apologize for the analogy, that buys an adorable, cute, fuzzy little kitten, then gets rid of it when it grows to be an old cat with health problems. THAT'S NOT OKAY.

She needs to talk to somebody about this. I joke all the time about duct taping my kids or locking them in their rooms, I would NEVER really do that!! What she's saying goes beyond venting after having a hard day... if she truly feels this way, she needs to talk to a professional about this. She made the decision to have a child, she needs to take responsibility for her actions.

Like you, in a way, I feel like my kids saved me. If I didn't have someone else to look out for, I probably wouldn't be here now. I needed that huge reality slap to the face. Now, I've got my head on completely straight, and have no regrets... again, everything happens for a reason!

I don't feel that way either. My kids are the reason I get up everyday. Although I had to respond because I have heard this before. My twin sister got pregnant by a guy that she had slept with one time when my daughter was 2 months old. She didn't know the guy but insisted hr be in the picture although he made it clear he had nothing to do with either of them. Seeing my new baby she thought it would be "fun" to have one too. Ummm ok! Being a mother is the most importantand hardest job there is. So she has my peice and learns real fast it isn't play time. My sister was a very laid back baby didn't cry easy peasy! My peice is the polar opposite. That child has screamed since the day she was born. She also is a spitting image if the dad. Many times when she was a infant (she's 3 now) my sister would say she couldn't handle it and had even said she didn't like her. She always tried to put her off on our grandmother and basically anyone who would take her. Hell she still does! She used to tell me she wanted to give her up for adoption thinking I would say I would take her but I just couldn't. My grandma wouldn't let her do it but I know in my heart she would have. Some people are just not good parents. We all get tired and need a break. Maybe the husband needs to get involved?that's one reason my Sus had such hell. He never helped her. Tell her not to give up. The child is part if her and seek counseling before she does anything rash. Good luck to both of you!

I strongly suggest to get her a book, like Dr. Sear's Discipline Book from Birth to Age Ten, or the book, Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen.

She needs support and resources. By the way, I feel the same as her quite often. A lot of women I know do, especially those with high needs children. I also have health issues which makes things even harder. Having a good support system and the books above have really helped me.

http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...

http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/...

I would suggest the Dad get more involved. Maybe she is too controlling and keeps him on the outside to do everything her way OR maybe he is uncomfortable with very young children?? There are articles on the internet about how men who are more involved in their children's lives, and in the running of the household are healthier and happier. Maybe reading those articles will help both parents to change the way they share parenting. perhaps he can give the child something she cant, perhaps he can be the glue that makes the family more cohesive, maybe she needs to share the responsibility more. Having Dad more involved can only help the situation. A counselor could help them with that goal.