What to Do When Husband Parents Differently?

I do not feel that it is fair for one parent to be the fun parent and one parent to be the displine parent. I believe that both of you need to combine fun and displine. It would help to know how old the kids are. But controlling them is never a good idea. Children need guidence not control. Children need to grow up to be who they are meant to be not the person their parents want them to be. If your child want to be an artist for instance and dad wants them to be a doctor or lawyer they will never be happy.

If you hubby reverts back to the way his parents raised him he needs to learn a different way to parent. Counseling will help a lot. By being able to talk it out with a counselor he will learn new tools to use as a parent.

I understand where you're coming from BUT if he sees them doing something he finds inappropriate and does not like he's not supposed to tell them no? That they can't do that? What if he sees them about to make a bad choice? Does he let it go to go find you and tell you so you can go handle it?

Of course not. So he needs experience in dealing with this type of issue. Keep the troubles you are encountering to yourself and with the kids. BUT he needs to know about any school issues or stuff that will get mentioned to him by neighbors.

He needs to feel he is a parent too. It sounds like you are emasculating him by not allowing him to parent the ways he wants. I understand you think he's too harsh on the kids. BUT he's their parent too and needs to learn how to do it better. Counseling for both of you would be very helpful. There was a time when someone mentioned we needed to be on the same page...I laughed and said "Honey, we're not even in the same book yet".

Counseling will help you to toughen up a bit and help him to soften the gruffness and other stuff.

You have to let him find his way. He and the kids have to develop their relationship in their way. He might be a little more strict or a little bit more controlling, but that's who he is (at least for now).

It is so great that you do your best to back him up. Kids need to see a united front. They need to know they can't divide and conquer.

My parents were always great at presenting a united front. If they disagreed on how to raise us, they never let us know. They still had their own styles and their own relationships with each of this.

He's not you, he's Dad.

I think it would be a mistake to try and handle all of the discipline yourself. You would be shortchanging him as a father and really sending your kids the wrong message.

Let him be a dad. Let him develop his own style and his own relationship with the kids. Just give him some space to do this. I really don't think you'll regret it.

If he really does like the Love and Logic style, perhaps attend a parenting class in it together. Contact loveandlogic.com and ask if there are facilitators in your area. They are often reasonably priced or even free!

He sounds like he was abused - spanking/yelling and BELITTLING - that walks and even crosses the line. Having older kids is kicking up some emotional stuff for him that he could be trying to "control" by trying to control them. It sounds like there's a lot of old fear and pain in him, and it's stirred up as the kids get older.

I don't know if it's possible to encourage him to talk to a counselor, but if you can it may really help his stress level. Perhaps if you go to church, you can see if they offer counseling - and you can go together because you want to PARENT together. If the conversation travels into his personal territory, you can take it from there in whatever way is comfortable for you both.

Who says your so awesome that you don't need thier fathers perspective on parenting?
You both have different ideas , he doesn't hit them because that's a line for you., I think you should let him discipline them. I, can't imagine watching kids and not being able to discipline. Will he never take them out alone?
I'd drop the I'm better at disciplining and teaching thing and encourage him to have fun with them. Date nights individually so he can concentrate on one at, a time?
Eta everyone who watches my daughter has the ability, to discipline her...my boyfriend, her dad, his girlfriend...relatives
All within reason
If they didn't shed take advantage if the golden opportunity to do what shred like consequence free. Maybe since they know you don't agree they walk all over him and then he gets overwhelmed?

If you hubby never disciplines, the kids will see him as a pushover and their behavior will be worse with him. He has to be able to have their respect and he won't get that if he's always tattling to mommy!

You may not agree with the way he does things, but he's not being physical with them and you don't say he's emotionally or verbally abusive so you need to let him parent the way he sees fit when he sees fit.

These are HIS kids as well as yours. And you yourself sing his praises so apparently he turned out okay regardless of how you feel about how he was raised.

My hubby and I don't see eye to eye all the time and I disagree sometimes when he's disciplining, but I also remind myself that although it's different, it's not harmful and kids need to learn to deal with all kinds of personalities.

I think you need to climb own off your pedestal and see that your hubby is their father and has just as much right to discipline his children as you do.

Age old problem, not many answers. You need hand signals for "quit beating the dead horse, dear". And he needs one for "really, your going to let them get away with that". The problem with you doing all the disapline is 1. All mistakes are yours. 2. They become products of only you. He does feel the pressure of parenting greatly. Yes, that's why he can have fun with other's kids. Gently tell him you all would like THAT dad to show up at least 1/2 the time! Really, you can talk all you want but it really needs to come from another man. Someone to tell him CONTROL is an illusion, trust is hard work, most kid mistakes are small potatoes and not everything his kids do is a personal reflection on him, it's not a referendum on his parenting skills. Try to talk about what is happening before dishing out disapline. Take a moment to say we need to talk then we will dish out the punishment/disapline. Humor can go a long way in despelling tension. Find a humorous way to say um, maybe take this down a notch! Good luck!

I think you need to discuss who handles what and how in your house. In my house, I am the cop, FBI and CIA all in one. On occasion we play good cop, bad cop and I am the bad cop. I will yell and threaten, if it is called for and he will explain and reason. For the most part, my husband does not interfere and is content with me handling the discipline, but you both have to be on the same page about it and when which one of you is going to take the lead. If your husband has old resentments and issues, that may be what is causing the difficulties between you. Sit and talk to him and explain what, how and why you do things the way you do. Come to an understanding about it and work together. There is nothing worse than not being on the same page as your spouse and looking foolish in front of the kids. Then, they know how to use it against you and pin you 2 against each other. Have a heart to heart with the hubby, when you are alone. Good luck.

Maybe get him to go to the ped with you and talk about what happens when you treat your kids this way. They grow up to talk to their kids the way he is talking to them...

Or, videotape him having a meltdown and then show it to him later. Don't let him know you are doing it. If he actually watches himself, he might decide to try to change. (Both with the kids and with his anger problem.)

Dawn