My Family and Friends Are Going Crazy That My Bf Didn't Celebrate My Bday

I thought he had something planned but it was too cold. Really weather dependent you should have a plan B but still if there was a plan A.

If that is the case why not ask him what plan A was.

Birthdays rate up there with mothers day for M.. A person should feel special regardless of the date on the calendar. Judging from the scarecrow plan it sounds like he has that covered. :)

O....M....G.

Forget it, already!
This is a BF of 10 months, if I remember correctly. He's not a fiance and he's not your husband. He doesn't "have" to do anything and he DID ask what you wanted to do.

Maybe the reason your "family and friends are going crazy that my bf didn't celebrate my bday" is because they don't like him?
Is this a wake up call?
Is the lack of date planning for your birthday a deal breaker?

ADDED: How do you think he will feel when he learns that your entire family (including ex husband) and friends are ALL discussing his failure??!!

First things first, don't talk to your family about your relationship woes. Long after you have forgiven him and let it go, they will still hold a grudge. It puts you in a bad position because now on top of feeling bad, you have to defend him to everybody. It puts him in a bad situation to be under so much pressure and scrutiny of the whole family. It's great everyone loves you and wants you to feel special, but throwing you a pity party is not the answer.
Your guy didn't come through on your birthday and that does hurt, but guys are like that. He did come through with a fully planned craft idea for your daughter and that warmed your heat. I've found that some of the best people in my life aren't there when I want them to be, but are always there when I need them to be.

NO, you did not tell him what you wanted.
>"I said a date planned out" < This is to vague for this man.

You left out exactly what you wanted. You gave him a vague idea. He obviously, cannot come up with an idea on his own. THIS IS WHO HE IS.

SOME men do NOT have ANY idea of what to do in these situations..

Your family sounds like they are very loving and thoughtful. They are used to the way THEY have always celebrated.. Your boyfriend sounds like a person that grew up totally different or he is not wired that way.

If you were to ask a question here on mamapedia, "What is your idea of a date?" You will receive a dozen answers. And I promise, one of the answers will be, Being able to sleep in late and watching a movie without any children.

And so since that is not what you think a date is, and your boyfriend was clueless you need to realize he is probably not going to change.

This is your decision. Do you love this guy, J. the way he is right now?
YOU cannot change him, so this may be the exact way he will always be. Can YOU live with that. Is he over all worth it?

Does he love you enough without all of the bells and whistles of being a romantic planner that you can be with him ?

Is he kind?
Is he honest?
Is he faithful?
Is he good to your children?
Is he inelegant?
Is he funny?
Insert what is the most important to you,.,

On his not so great list
He is not a creative planner of dates
He will always need to have it spelled out as to what you want
He will need to be able to read your mind
He does not take hints

Now either drop this and stand up for him with your family.
Or tell your boyfriend you want a "Do over" for your birthday. This weekend you want a date that includes.. A cake, singing Happy Birthday, flowers, going out to eat at a nice steak place, going dancing and him dressed up.

TALK TO HIM. Why is that so hard?? "Hey, I need your attention. I know that I said I didn't need a birthday gift, but I do need a big deal birthday date. I NEED it to feel special, and I expect it from the man in my life. Can you and are you willing to do that for M.? I was probably unclear before when we talked, but I am really hurt by how my birthday went, and I don't want to wait another year for you to make it up to M.."

Seriously, if you can't handle this part, you should not get married. You've got speak up and you've got to speak clearly.

Ask him how his family celebrates birthdays. He may have been raised in a family that doesnt do much for them..... Ask his mom how his dad was at birthday, anniversary time. That will probably let you know how he's gonna be long term.
My husband doesnt do the gift thing, but he'll do something else like take M. somewhere or cook that day. He always picks M. a bunch of flowers and does a hand written, simple note. My birthday is in the summer tho, and there always seems like there's something to do or somewhere to go fun.
This guys is J. your boyfriend right now, trust M., they take some training. If you are still with him next year maybe he'll have learned something from this years results.
Your family shouldnt have a say in this, and I doubt I would have whined to my family about it. You are J. making your boyfriend look bad in their eyes, I dont think that's a good thing to do. jmo

I think you should J. ask him when your date night will be since it didn't work out on your actual birthday. Tell him you're still waiting :) Talk to him!!! Explain to him that when you said no present that it didn't mean you didn't want him to do anything! That a cake, a date and a happy bday song would have been perfect.

Oh my goodness, now I see where you got the sensitivity about your birthday. They must be huge celebrations in your family. We've always celebrated kids' birthdays with close family parties, and J. casual observation/acknowledgment of adults' birthdays. Good thing that I don;t have major expectations for my birthday, because my hubby is not at all into adults' birthdays. We might go out to dinner at a nicer than usual restaurant, but that's about it.

Really, the world has so many problems, and you seem to have a good man who is good with your child, so why nitpick? It could be SO much worse than it is, and you need to not look for problems where there are none, and if your family gets up in arms about it, you've gotta stand up for your man.

I have to tell my husband the following every year.

I want a CARD from you with a sweet birthday message from you.

I want a CAKE...yellow cake, chocolate frosting.

I want the piece of jewelry that is circled and underlined in the catalog I left on your pillow, on your plate at breakfast and on the toilet seat. It is circled and underlined in black sharpie marker. The name of the store is on the catalog.

I want to go out to eat the the following restaurant. (Yes, I already booked the babysitter).

I learned the hard way w/tears that my husband thinks birthdays are like any other days...his family did not celebrate them and he does not know HOW to celebrate them.

This is one very SMALL part of who this man is... look at the other poster who asked about his character his moral values, etc etc etc. You can teach him about birthdays.

Talk to your bf, tell him "You know what? I know you tried your best on my birthday, and well, it did not really work out, did it.. NOT YOUR FAULT, J., I really wanted to do something special, J. the two of us... I looked online and found this great place... what do you think... should we go.. try again?" ... and J. fyi, I love ... "daisies/lillies/roses" they are my most favorite flower in all the universe...!

He will feel relieved and take you. Men are very black and white when it comes to, well, anything in life, really. You need to tell him straight out. Don't mention the family.

Then when the date is confirmed. Tell them, he had second thoughts and is taking you to xyz.

I know you want HIM to do the effort, it is still early in your relationship.. give it time.. He will come around. He is still "feeling" his way around right now.. He is still learning your likes and dislikes. And most men want to avoid confrontation, so if a girl says no presents.. some men J. accept it. Do nothing, dont read between the lines.. No to them is No.

Give him the benefit of the doubt, tell him what you would like to do. If you say dinner at an itallian restaurant, let him pick, give him two or 3 choices, or list your fav restaurants or shows that are showing and tell him to surprize you with one on the list.

Good luck. Hope the family calms down.

Any boyfriend, regardless of how long you have been dating, should make you feel special on your birthday. It doesn't have to be huge. A card, a cake or any other small gesture would be appropriate. It doesn't take that much effort.

It sounds like he is a lot of words and no action, which in my opinion doesn't cut it. But what creeped M. out the most about this post is him saying he wants to do something special for your daughter and yet did nothing for you.

Maybe your family needs to throw you a party (belated bday) and SOMEONE at the party (your brother, your mom, maybe 5 different people) need to say to him "Yea. You didn't know that JustM LOVES to feel special on her bday? She'll telll ya not to do anything, but really she J. wants YOU to come up with something extra special. It's not 'special' in her eyes if she told you exactly what to do. She wants spontaniety and she wants to feel like she's worth the extra effort. This Christmas, dude, you gotta make up for it cause you blew it this bday. And don't forget Valentines, Mother's Day, and your anniversary too. I know JustM doesn't make sense when she says "you don't have to do anything" but she's a girl, dude. And girls J. want to feel special. This one especially."

If 2 or 3 people go up to him during the party and you "didn't know" about this planned conversation (wink wink) he'll get the hint and the rest of the holidays/special days will hopefully be extra special. I hope.

Does it bother you? To M. it is another day and I could care less.

I know some people think the world will stop spinning if everyone does not focus on them for a birthday month, week and day.

I J. don't get into all the attention and bru ha ha for 1 day. We do things during the year... if there is something we need or want to do, we don't wait on birthdays, etc to do it. We J. do it.

Now, my daughter baked a cake for M. and my hubby left 2 dozen roses and we ate dinner at the club which was very nice on their part and I appreciate it but I don't find it "necessary" to celebrate or get a gift.

I would never prompt for a gift.

WHy does it bother your family so much? Were you subconsciously complaining to them. THat will J. make them dislike your bf... think about the future and your bf being in your family. If you dis him to your family, then things won't be a smooth ride if you marry.

Happy birthday

Personally, I think most men are not that bright. You need to tell them what you want very clearly and then if they can't "listen and follow directions" you need to decide if you want to keep them around. It sounds like you did your part except that you didn't seem to put up a fuss about not getting what you asked to be done. Clear the air by tellling him that you are hurt and disappointed that he did not follow through with the date he planned himself and tell him point blank that it made you feel unspecial, unappreciated, etc. He does NOT redeem himself by making nice with your daughter. I don't care how wonderful he is to her, if he treats you like garbage - the relationship needs to be re-evaluated.

J. my two cents, I am with your ex-husband on this one. Maybe you should date him instead?:)

Be very careful not to let what your family thinks you need conflict with what you really feel and want. When I was first marriage my Mom would innocently make quiet remarks about my husband. Things she didn't like or thought he should do. They were things that had not even crossed my mind, but then they started to bother M..

So, think about what is important to you. Try to blow off what your family thinks should be important to you..... that doesn't count. Next, take the bull by the horns. Tell your guy exactly what you want. "I want this saturday night to be special. I want to go out to dinner to my favorite place. This year I want a nice piece of jewelry. I want you to treat M. special all day." If you wait around for him to think of these things then you may be stuck in unspecial. You already know he thinks you are special or he wouldn't be with you. J. ask for what you want and enjoy it.

I rather be treated well on a day to day basis than well J. on birthdays and anniversarys. I say this though knowing my husband does various kind things for M. on a weekly basis and will get M. whatever I want. This year I didn't want anything but the month before my husband agreed to a ton of new home improvements that were purely decorative. He could not have cared less but did it for M.. He still took M. out to dinner and made M. feel special though.
I don't think it is a good sign that he would do nothing on your first birthday together. Does he take you for granted in other aspects of your relationship? Also, it is not like he doesn't make a big deal out of other's birthdays. You should be the most important person in his life so what gives? I am sorry you are going through this.
I always tell my daughters, at a minimum, expect to be treated how you treat others:). Don't settle for less.

My husband and I have the same birthday. He is older by 4 years. The first birthday was when we were engaged. Birthdays were a big deal in my family so I made it a big deal of him, thinking I would get the same thing back from him. Ha! NOT!!! I was far from home in college, didn't have my family there (did get lots of gifts, cards and calls) but J. a stupid nothing card from by hubby to be. I burst into tears and was very upset. I told him that birthdays are a big deal and he needs to do his part.

So the next year, we are married, and I wanted to make my point more. I bought a cake for the both of us 1/2 chocolate and 1/2 white. One side said Happy birthday Mike and the other side said Happy Birthday S.. I bought my own gift but had it upstairs to see what would happen. He didn't have anything for M. so, I went upstairs and made this HUGE production (yes, I'm a drama queen) about him getting this present for M.. We both knew I was being bitchy and said so sweetly as I opened the present "how did you know I wanted a new pair of keds"? He was uncomfortable and didn't like this. I looked right at him and said "it will be a cold day in hell before I never have a present again"! He definitely got the message.

So now we always discuss our birthday presents. Do we want a combo gift (hate that) or individual gift (much prefer that). Its doesn't matter what it is J. as long as I get something and lets face it he CAN'T forget my birthday EVER!! I always make it a big deal for him. Lots of cards, silly gifts. For his 30th, I surprised him by having his bf some for the weekend. 40th was a surprise birthday party and 50th was a trip to London and Paris. For my 40th we (family) went to Disney. So technically, I went to England, France, Moracco, Canada, Germany and Mexico for my birthday. Thanks to Epcot!

The moral of the story is that birthdays are important and special. Flowers would have been nice or a card at least. But you told him not to do that. So he didn't. I guess you are going to have to explain to him exactly what you want and what you deserve. Card and dinner would be great!

You say its too late to say something to feel special because you won't know if its him trying to make you feel special or to not make you mad. But its obvious you are mad/upset. Its time to fess up and tell him that you are upset/hurt. You don't have to do it in a yelling way but J. a conversation. Let him know how you are honestly feeling, then let him take it from there. He WILL either try to make it up to you or try to move past it. Most people in a relationship will try to make it up to the person. BUT, he will never know you are hurt/upset/disappointed if you don't speak up! And then you WILL know if he really cares. Don't let this eat away at you....

Im the same way ( thankfully, so is my husband) I could care less about a gift or a card.

BUT I do want it to be acknowledged! I don't care if its a dinner date at home or out ( as long as Im not cooking). Few drinks and a game of darts. Back rub. An hour with out the kids banging on the door to soak in the tub.

If I leave it opened ended... like you did, J. take M. out for a date... he will fail every time. He doesn't know what to do or where to go. He doesn't like making choices like that... he says that's why he married M., because I always come up with the ideas.

Im sure he knows he flopped on this. But I would still tell him that it bothers you. Hopefully he doesn't think that going to your friends house together was the date! If that's the case, let him know thats not what you consider a date!

Bottom line he needs to know how you feel. Even with out the outsides input on it. Its going to be better hearing it from you than your family or friends telling him.

I'm sorry, but your family is bothered that you didn't have a cake nor anyone singing the birthday song to you because your boyfriend of only 10 months didn't take on that responsibility? Why couldn't your family do it?

When you first posted about this, I honestly thought you were super young and in your teens, but you say now that you're divorced meaning you're old enough to have been married. This is all so ridiculous and easy enough to fix rather than dragging out the childish drama.

Yes, everyone enjoys having their birthday recognized including adults. Your boyfriend dropped the ball, but only because you didn't communicate to him what you really wanted. You talk a lot but don't really say much. So if you want to fix this, you have to realize that he can't read your mind.

Tell him what you want and what you expect. Be direct and succinct.

"I'm disappointed that we didn't celebrate my birthday this past weekend. I want to celebrate this weekend to make up for it. I want you to choose a cake for M. from BAKERY SUGGESTION in FAVORITE FLAVOR and I want you to call my friends and family to invite them to join us. I also want you to plan a date to a movie and then a nice Italian/Greek/Indian restaurant."

Stop, Drop and roll right away from that man and stick with your family and CLOSE friends, (WHO buy the way, will always be there for YOU and your kids).

Blessings

You are being very passive aggressive about this. You have not complained to him but you are complaining to your family and friends behind his back. Like I said in my response to your other post. the person you need to be telling this to is your boyfriend not everyone else.

Okay so you learned something about yourself. Put some of the blame on you and not all on him but tell him that you realize that while you did't think those things mattered, it turns out they do. J. tell him without blaming him. Women make thing so complicated. Don't think a man can read your mind- they can't . So tell them what you need. If you want you needs met, make you needs known. Its great when the guy automatically knows, or had a radar to your needs- we women LOVE that. But when the radar is clearly off, you will need to speak up.

I find that it's better to keep your business, your business. I don't know why other people get up in arms about something that's not really their concern. If you don't want to hear about it from them, then you should probably be more vague/discreet in what you're telling them. You also shouldn't care what they think.

It's like when people only talk about their mates when they do something bad. Of course others are going to judge him if that's all you tell them about. Better not to involve other adults, especially family/friends in things like that.

It sounds like your relationship is still somewhat new, so hopefully you can work together to make him a little more sensitive & responsive to special occasions. It took DH a while to "get it", but he's been doing really well lately, and we've been together for a lot longer than 10 months.

If he's otherwise a great guy, I wouldn't make it into more than it is.

the point is that you said what you wanted and when he didn't do it, you then said NOTHING. When half the day when by with both of you sitting on the couch, you should have said, "what are we doing for my bday". You being silent basically made it ok that he did nothing. Now to fix it, you MUST say something to him. You say you were disappointed. Not only did he *imply* he was planning something because he told you to "wear something warm" but then he did NOTHING. So since you have only been dating 10 months, you are still technically in the "honeymoon" period. He should be trying to impress you and shower you with love and appreciation. For your first bday with him he did NOTHING. And yes, that is a BIG sign of the future. You know the saying "actions speak louder than words?" this is a perfect example of it. You need to decide if you want to have this treatment the rest of you life. Or tell him exactly what you want/need and see if he comes thru for xmas. If he doesn't, then you will know what your next step is so you can get a new man by valentines day that will shower you with love and appreciation like you deserve. AND DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS!!!! Good luck.

Oh I'm sorry sweetie, that is sad but boys are very handicapped. They cannot read minds or put much thought into things that aren't important to them. You need to be really clear and say exactly what you want. When you told him you didn't want anything for your b-day, that's when he stopped listening. I know you said a dinner date or whatever but he apparently didn't. J. let him know how you feel and don't keep it bottled up and ask him when is a good night for him for that birthday dinner...Good luck and take care.

I totally agree with Dodi W - by reading your posts it seems like your boyfriend is always "saying" what he's going to do .. or telling you what he "thought" about doing (but never did) all talk. Plus I also agree that ANY boyfriend should do a little something. Whether it's J. get you a card or even sweetly tell you happy birthday and give you a back run. Anything! Anything to make you feel a little special on your birthday. And, I think 10 months is a long time by the way. LOL alot of people are saying "only 10 months" .. Well when you're single and then you have a boyfriend for 10 months that is a long time! :)