My Daughter Does Not like Daycare, Is It Normal?

Hi There - Olivia may be having a fabulous time all day when you are not around her. Is there any way for you to "spy" on her? I am a nanny and LOVE the little girl I watch, but as soon as she sees her mama, she's gone! She cuddles and loves on her mom and tells me goodbye. I think it's normal for kids to want to go with their parents. My son, who is 3, hides behind me and acts like that with his own grandmother (whom he sees at LEAST once a week), that also is normal behavior.
I think it is normal for children to want to be with their parents or family, no matter what! See if you can spy or try and peek in the windows when you go and pick her up and see how she is doing. There probably is nothing wrong. Good Luck, L.

i started my daughter in daycare 2 months before her 2nd birthday. of course she cried when i dropped her off but it never really got better. she wasn't usually awake when i dropped her off, but if she was she would stay awake and she'd cry when i left her. after 5 or 6 months i noticed some things i wasn't happy about and figured they might be affecting my little girl as well.
so, i found a new place. the first time we met my current sitter she walked right in the door when it was opened, sat right down and got to playing. she's been there now for a year and a half and while no daycare is perfect (i'd really prefer if the sitter would stop making my daughter take a nap, as it makes her stay awake super late), it really is the best place for her. i drop her off a little earlier in the morning than i used to, but if she's awake she goes right back to sleep once i drop her off. she didn't do that before. i also appreciate the level of supervision she gets, whereas with the other sitter there were little warning bells that made me wary.
little kids tell us in their own ways how they feel about a place and a person. every child can do just fine with a care provider as long as the child feels safe, loved, and cared for. i would go ahead and interview other sitters, but take your daughter with you and watch her cues. she'll tell you who's fit to watch her.
good luck!

She seems to be saying very clearly for a long time that she REALLY doesn't like that daycare. How would YOU feel in her shoes -- scared, angry, unprotected, helpless? She wants to trust you to take her seriously when something this big and important in her life is causing her a lot of strife, and you are her only protection and means out of there! Even we as adults couldn't tolerate that for very long! I agree with the opinions to find another daycare.

P.S. "Normal" is different for everyone and for a lot of people miserable experiences during childhood was normal for them. I say, unhappy is UNHAPPY! Do you want to settle for unhappy (or possibly worse) or do you want more for your child?

I think this is most likely normal. Both of my grandchildren have acted the same way when I left them at in home day care. My granddaughter went to a large preschool in a church basement and even tho she clung when I dropped her off she ran off to do one of the many activities available. She would then not want to leave when I picked her up. Does your provider have numerous activities that your daughter would enjoy? Does your provider help your daughter find something to do? Is there more than one provider? How many children are there. How much personal attention does she get? How organized is the school and day care?

My grandchildren have always ran up to me, glad to see me. When they were younger they would want to go home but now at 5 and 8 the 8 yo pleads to stay and the 5 yo is content to stay if I want to talk with the provider.

My grandson has been the unhappiest of the two. At 2, he would cry in the car on the way to in home day care, be crying as I left, and begin to cry when I returned. After a couple of weeks of this I stayed with him for a couple of hours. I talked with the provider, watched how she handled the kids and my grandsdon's response to her and the kids. Everything seemed OK to me. I decided that he was just having a difficult time adjusting. He still doesn't manage change very well at 5.

What helped him was for me to stay with him until he decided to get off my lap and begin playing. He would cry when I left but he already had an activity to catch his attention. At first I stayed for an hour or more. Note: His mother took him most of the time. I did once or twice a week. Gradually, I stayed a shorter time. At first I would give him a hug and tell him good bye. After awhile I told him I'd be leaving soon when he got down and gave him a hug then. In about 6 months he was OK with my leaving him. If he's busy when I come to pick him up he wants to stay until he finishes up. But first he runs at me to give me a hug.

He was the same way with a previous in home care provider but she quit the business after just a couple of months. He always cried in the car and at her house and wanted to leave as soon as I got there. I also spent time at her house and everything seemed OK with me as far as the day care and provider were concerned. She told me that after the first week or se he stopped moping and was happy the rest of the day.

I also think it's normal for a baby and a child to prefer to be with their mother or grandmother. My granddaughter, at 8, enjoys school and after school care but she regularly begs to go to my house instead. We don't waffle and her pleas are quickly over.

She is very verbal and has always told me when she had a bad day. (even while in nursery and pre-school) We would talk about her day on the way to her Mom's house. She would be OK by the time we got there.

Her mother and I focused with her on what was good about daycare or school. We sympathized when she said she hated it. We don't ask her if she wants to go to school because not going is not an option. When someone asks someone if they want something it gives them the message that there is a choice.

I recommend that you spend some time with her at the school so that you can evaluate the situation. I would ask the provider daily how
the day went, not just for your daughter but for herself and the other children. I would talk with other parents about how they and their child feel experience the school.

If after investigation you believe tht this is not the best placement for your daughter then move her to a different school. However, before you move her, investigate that school thoroughly. Visit with or without your daughter. Talk with other parents. Get to know the people who will be taking care of her. A few short conversations shoule give you a sense of who they are and how they'll act. Ask questions. Some conversations can be done over the phone. I talked with both of my grandson's providers over the phone before I visited their home.

When you decide to place her in that school stay with her for a couple of hours the first day. I've heard recommended to take a toddler to school and stay with her and then leave with her; then take her, stay with her, then return for her in a short period of time. Build up to leaving her for the whole time. Take a week or so to do this. While doing this reassure her that you will always come back. Play with her and some of the kids so that she'll know them before you leave.

I'm basing my recommendations on the hope that since she only goes 3 days/week you'll have time to do this on one of the other days.

Two and a half is a time for separation anxiety. You might find some clues while reading about separation anxiety.

I've found it very difficult to let go of my daughter and now my grandchildren when it came time for day care or school. We want them to be happy and they usually aren't with that sort of a change. It's up to us to show them the change is Ok and that we will return and listen to their stories.

Yes it can be normal but looking to it more, if she start out one way and then all of sudded changes. Now don't wreck your brain as it is hard for us moms, because these are our babies, but she could be really enjoying being home and whats to be there, it sound like you really made her safe haven and she rather be there, but it could be anything, check for her behavior at home, if it look weird check on it. Don't ask anymore question just start looking for some strange behavior. Your child behavior speak louder than words, and it could be that she just wants to be with grandma. Has there been a child in her class that was there and now is with their grandma? She could want what they got type of thing.

Hope all works out for you.

I would look for another daycare.
While there may not be something serious going on, it is obvious that this particular care situation is not a good match for your daughter. You have tried for four months... it's time to make a change.

Good luck!

Hi M.,

I, too, would look at other daycares. 4 months is usually enough time for a young child to adjust to a daycare.

My dd went 3 mornings a week to a daycare when she was a baby and toddler (I only had to work part-time then) and she rarely cried.

When we moved her to a preschool last Fall (she was 2.5), she was unhappy the first 3 weeks. It was very, very h*** o* me to see her cry when I left her, but without going into personal information, I simply HAD to work. It was that or not be able to provide the basics (food, roof over our head, etc.).

After 3 weeks, she turned around and she has loved it ever since. She never cries when I drop her off, she is not upset when I tell her we're going to school in the morning and she talks about her friends all the time at home. When I pick her up, I can see her before she sees me and she is always happy, laughing, running around with the kids outside or sitting with them at a table doing a "project," like drawing with crayons or playing with playdough.

Now, I know children have different personalities and some children really do have a more difficult time adjusting to change - just like some adults do better or worse with change in their lives. Only you can be the judge of how much of this is your daughter's unique personality and how much of it might be the daycare.

Of course, even if it is your daughter's personality, I would still look for another place; it just might be harder to find the right one.

I just think 4 months is a long time for your LO to still not like her daycare.

Best of luck. M.

It sounds like what she really needs is you. Is it possible for you to stay at home with her? I don't think that a different school is going to fix this. She feels like you might leave her at any time, which is why she's clingy. I think it is normal for kids to want to be with their mommies instead of hired help. You love her, the teacher does not. Good luck

I think it's time to interview other daycares. Maybe nothing is wrong with the current one, but she just might not fit. My kiddos (one being autistic!) love the gal they go to and oftentimes don't want to leave (feels nice to be loved *eye roll*). Sometimes there is just something that doesn't fit them, and if it isn't getting better than maybe she needs a different environment. Take her with you to interview places and see which place she takes to. Follow her lead. I did that with my kiddos and they went right in, talked right to the daycare gal and got right to playing.

Gosh, this is such a hard question. My instinct would be to try and find a new daycare center. My son is 18 months so a different age group, but he is usually pretty settled in by the time we leave and is almost always having fun when we come to pick him up to go home. Some children have a more difficult time adjusting than others, but if you're asking this question I think it might be your intuition telling you it's time to look elsewhere. Finally, in response to some of the other comments you've had that seem rather unsupportive--three days a week is considerable less than many children go to daycare and I think that most of us are doing the very best we can. For some moms that means staying home and for others it doesn't--and what I've noticed is that regardless of whether your kid is in daycare or not most moms think their kids are wonderful and well adjusted and loving...