My 8 Yr Old Is Out of Control!

HI J., I agree this is NOT a stage. I had a step daughter who acted exactly as you stated and it went on for YEARS. She saw counselors, doctors, everything. They came up with a disorder called "obessive personality disorder" which basically meant she had no feelings for others feelings. She went on medication which worked for a brief time, but she reverted back to her old ways when she didn't get her way. She eventually had to move out b/c we couldn't take it. Since I was her stepmother I felt I couldn't discipline her more than I did. I think its a combination of needing more consequences and more discipline and if you feel there is another problem, maybe some counseling. But my advice? UP the discipline, take away the priveleges. It works!! Takes time but works.

Chris (Bow NH)

I have the same exact problem! I am at my whits end with her mouth and behavior towards everyone. She has the same out bursts when i tell her no or she gets mad at me. She tells me I am a bad mom and doesn't like me any more. She says mean and hateful things to her 5 yr old sister too as well as hits her a lot! I know she is learning a lot of it at school but other that that i need help too. My boyfriend and i are running out of ideas!

J., please stop stressing over this! The way your daughter is acting is very typical and perfectly normal. If teasing is an issue try using behavior modification - she gets a treat or praise if she's nice. Kids are notorious for teasing their siblings because they are close enough to them to try things they wouldn't do to a friend.

To stop the back talk let her know it won't be tolerated and walk away. Loss of a privilege has real impact at this age.

When she says she hates you she probably means it, but just for that moment. I'll bet you made her mad over something or she didn't get her way and blames you. Again, perfectly normal. When she calms down let her know she hurt your feelings but you are the parent and those are the rules.

Good luck...this too shall pass!

C.
mom of 4 - one an 8 year old girl!

Hey J.-

what are the age differences between your children? the problems with her siblings may be due in part to the age differences. I know that at 7-8 years old a child begins to get cognitive reasoning skills - a mind of their own with the ability to tell right from wrong. It sounds to me that your little girl is wanting attention and is seeking to get it even if it's bad attention. I don't have an 8 yr. old, but I was one, a very nasty rotten tempered one at that, and even if I said I hated my parent, I didn't, if I didn't want to leave a place, it was because I was having a good time and didn't want it to end, and I argued because I really didn't understand the "why" behind what was being asked of/told to me - maybe you could start a ritual with her, do something special with just her that you both enjoy every day after daycare and make a promise to yourself that you'll do it no matter what - find a good time of the evening to fit it in to your busy life, that will make her anticipate being picked up by you and make her feel like she's not losing out if she leaves, also it will give the two of you a time to bond, and it will show her that you're making time just for her. And when you talk to her try explaining in kid terms WHY you want her to do something or WHY you believe something, and give her room to disagree by saying that it's alright to not feel the same as you, but that she needs to trust you, if she still battles, ask her WHY she doen't trust you. I made a point when I was 8 years old to remember what my family was doing right and what they thought they were doing right but weren't, I promised myself I'd remember these things when I became a parent, so not only is that where my perspective is coming from, but the part about this being a phase - she might stay solid in her beliefs if something doesn't change, because at 8 years old I also decided on a lot of other things, like that I would never smoke cigarettes, and I won't ever - point being, you're right to worry about this attitude sticking - but discipline isn't the problem most likely - miscommunicating, a lack of trust, and wanting more attention/praise/acknowledgement seem to be her problems, and that doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong thus far, she's probably just struggling with normal kid things but needs a bit more than most kids. I hope that this helps, let me know.

Hi there,

I can relate to your situation. My 8 yr old son has similar behaviors lately. Is your daughter a middle child? My son is and I think this might have something to do with the attitude and picking fights with siblings. My son fights with me constantly on everything. I think its his way of trying to get my attention. I try to make sure I spend a little more time with my son. I know its tiring to deal with but hang in there!!

I have a 9 year old son. For the past 2-3 years, he has been some what like your daughter. He arguess over every little thing. He can be mean. He is a 100 times worse when he comes back from his father's house every other weekend and we need to "reprogram" him.
I some what agree with your boyfriend. It sounds like a phase to me. Although, your daughter sounds a bit more harsh than my son. I would suggest taking her to a therapist. We had taken my son before and it worked wonderfully. Talk to your doctor, as well.
Like I said, my son has been different for a while now. I've also found out from watching his friends that they are the same way almost. SOme are overly emotional, some are very mean, some just like to argue. They go from one extreme to the next. So, I'm assuming it's kind of a phase. Your daughter does seem like she's hving a very hard time with it though. A therapist might be a good thing before she explodes at some one. Has the daycare person said anything about her behavior? Maybe she can help you?
You mentioned lack of disipline. That can also have a big play in why she acts the way she does. I started to get very tough on my son. Every time he hurt some ones feelings (mainly mine) he'd be grounded. No friends, no tv, no video games, nothing. At one point he was grounded for a month straight, or more! It's not that i enjoed doing it, it was just he wasn't being a good boy. His big thing is arguing with me and my husband big time. Drives us both insane. My husband and I found that grounding him and threatening to ground him is the only way to get him to stop. It's not a nice thing, but he has to learn.
Good luck! It's not a fun journey with a child like that. I do feel that maybe there is more going on with her than just a phase though. Therapy might be a good thing.
Again, good luck!
H.

J.,
The first phone call to make is to the pediatrician's office. You need to speak with a nurse and discuss these problems that surround your 8 year old daughter. The nurse may suggest that you make an appointment with their office - if so, get it. This will be, basically, the beginning steps of getting her into counseling. It does sound like she has some anger and control issues. It sounds to me, based on what you wrote, that she is angry because she does not have control of the household - which I've been seeing a LOT of lately. In some states (and I'm not sure about Maine), you would need a referral from the pediatrician to bring your daughter to counseling. In some states, and depending on your medical insurance, you do not need a referral for mental health services. Granted, I know the majority of parents don't like seeing or hearing the words 'mental health' but that IS what counseling services are.
So, call your daughter's pediatrician's office first, and find out from your medical insurance if they cover counseling services - and find out the limitations on those services. The counseling visits will help your daughter understand and come to terms that she does not run your household - YOU do.

My 7 yr. old cousin acts the same exact way. Maybe even a little more so. She was really nasty to her siblings and my aunt especially. After she started being mean to the kids at school my aunt finally sent her to a school counselor. She goes there a few days a week and LOVES it! She can finally talk about all of her pent up anger w/ someone besides our family. She has never been sexually abused so that comment may not be right. Plus, from my own experiences w/ it, I think they tend to get more introverted. Just wanted to let you know so that you're not freaking out! Try the counselor. It really may do the trick.

I have a 9 yr old son .. he is a good child he has his moments we just had a newborn girl 4 months ago .. thinds go up and down when he was younger he would be mean throw fits and just be difficult .. I just had enough .. ask my doctor and tried many things .. when he starts to act up and pull his 9 yr old bull .. i know it has alot to do with hes not getting enough attention.. attenetion is what it all about good or bad he wants it . my boyfriend and i when we notice this starting take time have my mother take the baby and we go out .. we make "family time or andrew mom and dad time "
he just loves it it might just be to the local pizza shop a block away to get burgars and pizza .. i was a single mom till i met my now boyfriend so my son and i have been alone for 7 yrs .. he just loves to say he has a familly he has a dad .. i know it makes him feel good to hear it .. when we r buzy with work or money is tight it is hard and yes he does remind me mom we havent had anny family time so we make it a point al least once a month do take him out .. even if it to the dollor store to get somthing lol . kids love the dollor store lol ... and now he gets somthing for his lil sister when we go even if its to big he puts it away for when she gets bigger so he has a present for her .. you daughter might just feel left out .. saying your a mean mom might and acting out is just her way of saying "mom i want your attention" i dont know how good she get along with your boyfriend or if he is even her bio father .. but i cant express how much this has worked for us ... it has helped my son and gives time for me and my boyfriend to enjoy what we have ... our children and there beautiful smiles !

I am sorry to say this but it really sounds like there is something very wrong. These are very strong signs that she has been or is being sexually abused. Please have her seen by a doctor ASAP.

HI, J.. From reading your description that you and your 8 yr old are away from each other a lot. Being the oldest with a Step Dad and two younger half siblings I'm familiar with how your daughter may feel. My Mom was busy with her new boyfriend when they 1st met, she worked a lot too, I spent a lot of time at school, my Aunts and my Grandparents house. Then they got married when I was six, had my bro when I was 8, and my sis when I was 12. I felt like I was pushed to the WaySide so to speak. Plus we moved to a new city and I had no friends. Sound familiar? Maybe I'm completely off, I don't know. I had a lot of emotions floating around in my little head and no one thought to talk to me about them, because they were all too busy, not even the teachers thought anything (way back then teachers where different). Anyway, maybe you and just your daughter could set up a special time a day or a week that is just for you two. And maybe your daughter could benefit from seeing a Therapist to get some of those feelings out that she may be holding inside. I would do it sooner than later before it gets any worse for all of you. Good luck. : )

I have read that children sometimes say things that they want to happen or want to be true. Try engaging her in a game of tall tales or things that you both (meaning taking turns) would want to be true. Get more and more outlandish and don't pass judgement on them during the game(Like saying, "I have a daughter that is well behaved and only tells the truth") "Low cal french fries are dispensed through this cabinet with this "magic button."" "Carrots to taste like chocolate chip cookies."