My 3-Year-old Is Regressing

Can you tell me a little more....how is his sleep? how does he eat? Does he imaginary play well, how are his self care (desire, ability to dress himself, brush his teeth)? Do you notice any other areas that he struggles? How is he in public, is he an easy to direct child, etc?

Yes, it's normal for 3 yr old to cry at not wanting to be separated. You may think he's ok with divorce, moving, job, and your new boyfriend, but he may have some hidden issues. You need to reasure him that no matter what, you still love him. Life means changes and at 3 yr old, they can't understand the meaning. (Even as teenagers they can't). All the actions of crying, pitching fits is normal but shouldn't be put up with. Explain again that those actions aren't neccessary to get your attention and that you still love him.

Kids' emotional growth isn't as steady as the their physical growth. (And even that can come in spurts). One day they'll blow you away with something they say or do, and then they'll seem to take a few steps back.

I tend to take my cues from the kid - if he's telling you he needs a little extra love and affection, pour it on. Smother him with hugs and kisses at the dropoff, and he WILL get bored. I went through a stage where I would spend some extra time with him at the drop off, and I started to say things like "I wish *I* could (fingerpaint or sing songs or whatever it was they were about to do). My work isn't NEARLY as much fun as the stuff YOU get to do. But that's what it's like for grown-ups. <sigh>"

We got into a routine where he would snuggle for a few minutes and then say "Mommy! Go to work!" At first I had to hold him for as long as 5-10 minutes, but eventually, he saw the kids doing something that he wanted to get involved in and he'd squirm down and gleefully say "MOM! Go to work!" and he would run off, happy to be a kid and not a grown up. (Make sure to trudge off, looking a little sad, but don't look TOO miserable or he'll *rescue* you.) Yes, it was a game for him, to be able to say "Mom, go to work!" and run off and do fun stuff. But, even though it was a game, I think it gave him a feeling of having just a little control of his life. (He didn't gt to choose to stay home, he didn't get to choose WHERE he went, or what the activities were that day or WHEN he got to do them. He didn't even choose what he got to eat or whether he needed to nap. But he DID get to say how long he needed mom there. And that really made him happy.)

And you may have people who say "they are fine two minutes after you leave." Well, sometimes they are, and sometimes they are not. SEVERAL times, I went to the front desk of the daycare and watch the monitor for the room. I saw my kid crumpled on the floor where I left him. I waited anxiously, but no one came to comfort him. More than once, I went back to my kid, and usually had a sharp word for the teacher. (It was an expensive daycare, they had NO excuse.)

Yes, and some folks will say "Always be consistent. Always say the same thing when you drop him off, no matter if he's in a good mood or if he's crying." Well, the kid isn't always consistent now, is he? Some days he's fine with me leaving, some days he's not. I was *consistently* there when he told me he needed me.

When in doubt, pour on the love. Smother with hugs, and you will never go wrong, and you'll never regret it.

Hi K.,

I'm in that boat with ya right now. Our youngest is 3 and she's developed some regression issues as well. We dealt with the same thing in our son (6now) when he was 3, but not with out daughter (8)...so I think it may have a bit to do with personality, as both our youngest two are very headstrong & independent. Chloe (3 now) has been using the potty since she was 18 months, saying "please" & "thank you" since before she could talk (we used sign language) & has always been sweet & vivacious. But now that she's 3...oh dear! She won't go to the potty, screams "I want" or pitches temper tantrums, & whines all the time. 3 seems to be a period of adjusting boundaries with parents & becoming more independent children instead of babies, and from what I've seen with my kids...some make the adjustment better than others. It's rough being independent ALL the time & sometimes they just want to be a baby in Mommy's arms again. I've just been trying to stay consistent in spite of her inconsistencies. I ask her to say "please" & "thank you" and speak in a normal tone of voice (instead of whining) before I give her something. It's been hard figuring out the difference between emotional outbursts needing reassurance & temper tantrums needing to be ignored...I just do my best on those and continually remind her how very much I love her. Hang in there! You're not alone ;-)

Yes, it is normal for children to regress at times, for many reasons. Respectfully, you say that there have been no changes in his life, and then refer to moving in December and your going back to school, both within the last year. Those are in his life and can be stressful.
It seems that he is looking for reassurance. I'd speak with him before school about how you are coming back, you will be there at the end of the day just like his friends' mommies and daddies. At the end of the day, be certain to be on time, and spend a little time reminding him how you kept your promise to be there. Then, listen to him for any clues to changes from his perspective that may have triggered his upsets. Kids see things differently and what may not have been noticed by his caregivers at school may be a big deal to him. You may want to ask a few extra questions, without putting too much attention on this. (It's not a police interrogation, just a few questions. : 0 ) )
In all likelihood, he is going to be upset for a little while longer, regardless of your comfort measures. During these times, remind yourself of all the positives he receives being at school, and that this too shall pass.
Regarding his nights, before your bedtime routine (assuming you have one) maybe give him a little extra cuddling and you time. Then, at bedtime reasure him that you are here.
Be patient, children go through all sorts of changes, and they and we survive them for the most part unscathed.
The most important thing we can give our children at ANY age, is our love and you have plenty of that.
Best wishes,
A.

K., I teach three-year-olds in music class and have seen many toddlers develop this same problem. During that period in their lives, they are going through a stage in which they want to be more independent, but also want to have the chance to run back to mama if they feel the need. It is stressful for them as well as for the moms. :) I believe a child needs your assurance that they are safe when you leave them. If you hesitate, it sends the message that they might not be safe without you and you are worried too. So my advice is to determine to be firm but loving.

I applaud your willingness to allow him to choose his own outfits. It sends the message that you trust him.

In Kindermusik class, parents and children are afforded time to bond; this might be something he'd really enjoy. We work on social and emotional skills as well as cognitive, language, physical, and musical areas of development--lots of parent education tips too. You might want to take a look at my website: www.kindermusikwithsherry.com.

Totally normal behaviour-he is not a baby anymore but still needs the nuturing and love and patience....kids regress all the time- if he doesnt grow out of it in a couple months- talk to your pedicatrician...I think your doing great-especially for being so intune to your sons behaviour- keep it up- your mommmy's instinct will kick in if you need to do anything.
Nikki
mom of 3

This does happen at times, but have you ruled out that he might be coming down with something? Also, sometimes, they just have 'moments' when they need a little bit extra attention.

Check with his school teacher. During the past 4 years I have substituted in Pre-K. There has always been a bossy little girl in each class that has harassed some of the other students. I hope that you can find what is upsetting your son.
P. S

Yep -- it's normal. The older they get, the better they get at figuring out that they can yank our hearts out with one miserable moan and they take off! Consistency is key. At the drop-offs, just maintain a positive attitude and say, "I love you! You're going to have a great day! And I'm going to be so happy to see you at the end of your day and I want you to tell me all about it! Have fun!!!" And leave with a smile on your face -- don't let him see you're upset. Just firm, consistent intolerance of bad behavior and praise for good behavior -- and hopefully, this phase will be short. You may be surprised at the end of this to see that he's advanced developmentally or grown or something -- a lot of times there's a backslide right before a leap.

Talk to his teachers at the day care facility. He may be copying another child's behaviour who gets what he wants when he pitches these fits. One new child with a parent that sits with them and does the child's bidding when he pitches a fit can spill ovr to the other children. V.

K.-you sound like a wonderful Mom.... Everyone will tell you that 3 year olds goes through stages, which is true but please look for a underlying problem..... Just because it's been told to you that nothing has changed at his Father's house look more closely... Even something as simple as Dad & a Date or some kind of special occasion that does not include him.... It's part of life - it happens. Your job as you well know is to raise your son & not let anything get in the way... Perhaps it's something that has changed at your house that seems perfectly natural.... Get in the floor with him---(on his level) everyday & make sure your lines of comunication stay open & as stress free as possiable...I wish you luck and a happy child.......... Mother of 5 & Gramie of 13...(yep 13)
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