I have wrote before about my marriage and need some additional advice. Here is a little history, in August my husband told me that he was no longer in love with me and then moved out and lived with his sister. This happened right after my dad died. This lasted about a month and he moved back in stating that he wanted to give it 3 months and see what happened. At the beginning, he did say that he thought he moved back in for the wrong reasons...the kids and wanted to be able to do what he wanted when he wanted. During the time he had moved out and when he first moved back in, I did find out that he was talking with 2 girls but there was nothing physical that happened. At the end of October, he finally told me that he was in love with me and he wanted to stay and be a family. Everyone around us say that they can tell that he truly is trying and wants to be with me. People tell me that he is back to the person he was before he moved out and before he said he didn't love me. He was so distant with everyone and just didn't seem happy when he was gone and when we weren't really a true family. He continiously tells me that he loves me and does everything that a husband should do for his wife. At times I just have a hard time dealing with what happened and how he had told me that he didn't love me and how he was talking with those girls. I am trying to keep positive and not dwell on the past but look forward to the future because I really think he wants to be with me and no one else. He is a police officer and he is friends with a girl that works at one of the apartments that is in his town. They text but he keeps telling me that nothing is going on with her and that he loves me and no one else. Says that they are friends and that is it. I have read there texts, secretly looking at his phone, and there is nothing in any of the texts to say that there is anything going on. I haven't looked in awhile because I don't want to be consumed with it and want to move forward. I really believe him but there are times when those little voices come into my head and just remember what happened in the past. I want to get passed this and move on...I don't want to be bitter and I want to trust him. I do believe he loves me and I don't think he is wanting to be with anyone else. Do you have any suggestions on how to move forward and not keep wondering if he is thinking of doing anything.
The two of you need to get in to counseling ASAP. When I was leaving my husband after his last affair, I agreed to stay for 6 months and see where things went. If we had not been in counseling things would have gone no where, but we did go, and that was 2 years ago and we are now in a happy and healthy relationship. It did take some time for me to get over the betrayal and to deal with my emotions, but that is to be expected.
Marriage counseling.
He left you a month after your dad died?, sounds like a heartless bastard... or someone who is weak and couldn't be there for his family.
In the ONE month he was gone, he managed to become interested in 2 different women, and now he texts one of his female friends regularly? Hell no would that be allowed in my house given his history.
He may have changed and be trying, but until he earns your trust and respect I wouldn't count on him. It sounds like he went through a bout of depression there as well when he left... perhaps it is a reason he left in the first place. Another reason why he needs to be going to counseling.
The way he can do that is by agreeing to marriage counseling and to go regularly and doing the homework given to you by your counselor with enthusiasm to make your marriage work.
To be honest, if it were me, I wouldn't allow him to have any "girl" friends. My husband and I don't have ANY relationships with the opposite sex whether innocent or not. You have every right to be jealous and not feel comfortable with that. If my hubby and I had any kind of relationship that made the other uncomfortable, it would end in a heart beat out of love and respect for each other. It doesn't matter if they're just friends, if it makes YOU uncomfortable, then it's inappropriate. I'm sure he'd feel the same way if the tables were turned. I'd share your heart with him in regards to this. This is YOUR husband. It's okay to fight for him. =) I wish you the very best! Hang in there!
To me he sounds like O. of these three:
1. A man who thought the grass was greener and found out it wasn't and he wants his life back--and a break.
2. A man who had a girl on the side, focused on THAT for 3 mos and it didn't work.
3. A man who thought he wanted someone else then discovered he missed his wife and kids.
At the end of the day, does it really matter WHAT he did while he was not in the house? I mean if you want to make the marriage work.
Your marriage counselor can help you both work through these feelings of distrust. Forgiving is O. thing but forgetting is harder--and maybe more important. Walk that walk. Don't LET those thoughts rent space in your head and move forward! You are the only thing holding you back.
Actually, I think it's going to take a lot of work on HIS part to get you moving forward. He betrayed your trust. You are willing to move forward but are scared. It's understandable.
If there are things you need HIM to to do to help you, tell him. And he needs to do them.
Good luck!
he needs to EARN your trust back...it's not something that will change over night. if you both want it to be successful then you both have to put forth quite a bit of effort. if it'll help ASK him to quit talking to this girl to help YOU trust him again....what he wants will show in actions over time
If he's genuine in his commitment to you he'll stop texting that girl he is friends with and be truly 100% committed to you. My husband was also a police officer (he was medically retired a few years ago) so I know (and I'm sure you know) how easy it is for a cop to find girls. Cheating is unfortunately rampant in the police department and it is a very fraternity type environment that they work in. My husband would tell me of stories where he would show up at lingerie parties (b/c of noise complaints) and the girls would throw themselves at him and his partner. My husband is a strong Christian and his values kept him from getting into trouble and he has a couple of other cop buddies who did the same (another Christian and one Mormon). The rest of the guys I know cheat, divorce, etc. all day long and it's something to think about when thinking of what to ask from your husband. If that girl is just a friend, your husband should have no problems cutting out the texting. He should show you by way of actions, not words that he loves you and is devoted to you and that he's not going to abandon you again. He needs to be extra diligent about being faithful b/c as a cop there are much more opportunities to stray.
I am usually not the person that would recommend counseling but I think it would be a good idea for the both of you. Just to have somebody that helps you talk to each other about what happened without it escalading. He left at a time where you would have really needed him but instead he hurt you even more. I think it would be really good for you to talk thinks out and then start over new without the past being between you all. I hope everything will work out for you. Good luck!!!
I am in a happy and strong marriage of 13 years, but 6 years ago it was shattered when I caught him in a 4 month affair. We decided to try to work it out. First I can tell you, you will NEVER forget so don't beat yourself up for not being able to. You have to choose in your heart if you can forgive and move on. Second, if he is sincere he needs to do everything possible to EARN even a shread of your trust back. My hubby cut all ties with the guys he had been going out with and all girls he talked/texted with (even those he knew from high school, old friends etc). This is a huge comitment and not easy.
After all this time we are stronger adn more in tune with each others wants/needs and our love. We managed to work it all out without a couples counselor (I saw one myself when it first happened) but I think a counselor may work great for some people. You need to get into the open how he hurt you and how hard it will be for you to recover from that with him.
Reading your story though I notice that it is all about HE has decided he wants to come back, HE wants to try, HE wants you etc. What do YOU want? Maybe some counseling for yourself would be helpfull, there is alot to sort out in your feelings before you can be an active partner in moving forward.
I think you feel like you should be grateful that he came back and says he loves you, and that it sort of 'cancels out' the fact that he left in the first place. But even if you are glad he's back, you are still left with an uneasy feeling that it could happen again because maybe you aren't exactly sure why it happened in the first place.
So like the others, it's him that needs to be earning your trust back. He left, not you. He met two other women. Yes, you're glad he's back (right?), but feeling secure again can't be rushed. You need time. It sounds like he's being nice, etc., but if there's anything else you need from him, you need to let him know.
If you're not ok with the friendship, ask him to stop texting her. There's no need for this, not in your situation. If I asked my husband to not be friends with a woman, I would expect that he would respect my wishes. And vice versa.
He hurt you, and it's great that he's making it right, but only you know when that will be and how you'll get there.
The thing is he betrayed your trust and shattered your security. Have you told him how his actions have made you feel? In my opinion you can tell him when those feelings arise. You can tell him you are feeling insecure. ITS NOT THAT YOU WANT TO BE FEELING THIS WAY, BUT YOU ARE.
After time you will feel more secure that he will not leave again. But it is still pretty fresh. Just be honest with him. It was what he did that created these feelings.
Definately seek a good friend to vent to and ask God for healing your heart and your marriage.
It's just going to take time. He has to re-proove himself to you and you have to choose to feel secure with him. The more you two keep working on this the better it will become. He needs to be an open book until you heal completely.
Congrats on trying to keep your family together, it is not easy when faced with things like this, but it IS possible.
