My Husband Had an 'Emotional Affair'-need Advice from Those Who've Been There..

I would have a big problem with him changing the password to his phone. Because my husband and I know all of eachothers passwords for everything, we never have to snoop. Everything is out there in the open. I think that you need to be 100% open to gain trust especially after an affair.

If you were not happy before the incident of the affair then you really going to be fully in it now. Do not stay in a relationship for the sake of children it only gives them permission to be okay with being unhappy adults. Time to move on.

An emotional affair is just as damaging to a marriage as a "physical" one. If he had "actually" slept with her would you stay? If the answer is "NO" it's time to call it quits. If it is "Yes" the work has to come from BOTH partners. If only one is willing it will not work. It sound like he likes what is going on. It is a long hard road which requires A LOT of communication hearing things that aren't pleasant and reopening of old wounds. If he's not worth all that, took us a year and a half of counseling, time to move on. I'm sorry this happened to you and I wish you all the best!

Trickling = Slowly giving information (just texting, just sexting, just ONE kiss, just, just, just, just)... in order to "prime" the listener to not be so upset at the next revelation. Usually trickled out over the course of 6mo-12mo.

Blameshifting = You NEED to trust me more. (Making it seem as if they hadn't just BROKEN TRUST... as in any problems are YOUR fault.

Cake Eating = Trying to keep BOTH wife and girlfriend in their lives (or husband and boyfriend). Having the wife (or husband) at home raising the kids, keeping the home... while still keeping the affair partner in their life.

Total Transparency = Building trust = no secret passwords, secret phones, secret meeting, always answer, always be where you say you'll be. NO PRIVACY until broken trust is restored

Typical Time Period for trust = 2 YEARS - 5 YEARS

Narcissist = Someone who can never actually love you

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Well, I hate to say it but I wouldn't be sure it wasn't a physical relationship. You may never know, but saying "it was just a kiss" is such a cliche it's not even funny. I hate to admit this but when I was young, I once had an affair with a married man. I learned alot from the experience. I won't get into how or why it happened or try to defend myself. I now know that even if I was lured into his trap, it was wrong and I was selfish. The reason I bring this painful memory up is because that is exactly what he said to his wife about our affair. Believe me, it was more than that. For all I know, he will never tell the truth about it. To me, it sounds like the two of them acted a little too guilty for a "peck." Who pecks anyway? Two people who are admittedly attracted to each other and having "an emotional affair"... I find it hard to believe that they'd just have a little peck.

I'm not passing judgment on you, mama. I don't think you need harsh advice or loud instructions right now. I'm sorry if my observations were a little rough as I know you are in a world of hurt. The part that bothers me more than the affair is the way your husband is in general. The narcissism, by your definition. Not being there for you. I mean, I'm sure there are wonderful things about him that you haven't shared with us, but for most people, support is a big one. Even that is something I think many husbands screw up from time to time, but during your most difficult moments ever? That's a dealbreaker for most of us.

So what are you trying to save, exactly, is what I'd want to know more about from you. Because it sounds like it hasn't been so great ever since that really bad 4 year period, and now this. Who knows, this could be the turn around? But it doesn't sound like it based on the way he's acting now, and if he really is a narcissist, all i can say is good luck.

I tend to take alot of blame in my marriage for being non-affectionate or frigid, when in fact it is because I am not getting my own needs met by my husband and he is totally disconnected from me a good deal of the time. But it makes me feel guilty because I think to myself that he will eventually go elsewhere if he's not getting love and affection at home, right? That may be true, but this is not a reflection on me. If he chooses to be a crappy selfish husband and makes it impossible for us to have intimacy, which in turn makes me cold and bored with sex, then he chooses to be a cheater, that all has nothing to do with me. But it takes alot of constant reminding myself and checking my perspective to not fall into that trap! Don't you do it either.

Sounds like you are being wayyyy too soft on him right now. He needs a serious reality check. He's about to lose everything and is in no position to call the shots. It is not about punishing him or him appeasing you, it is about proving that for once he's willing to be an equal partner in the marriage, which you've been doing all along. Since he is the one who has caused this grief, he can either enter into a serious counseling commitment (maybe he can find another therapist?) or move on. Because he doesn't seem to think he needs to change. I would want to separate and then see how he behaved, but that is just me. I would want him to know without any shadow of a doubt that I would not tolerate this kind of betrayal, and that I could definitely do better than that even if it meant being alone. Then I think I would feel a little more in control of the terms of our relationship during such a vulnerable, unsure time. It would give you the space you need to figure out if you really can trust him again and want a future with him, as well as see how serious he is about you. If he is a real narcissist, he will turn into being all about him. How could you do this to me? How could you abandon me like that? ... turn it back around on you as if you are the one who made a huge mess of your marriage.
I wish you the best of luck, sincerely.

This happened to me also. We were together for 10 years before the affair. We had been growing apart due to his medical issues, him not working,etc. Ultimately, we separated & while it was rough at first, it ended up being the best thing for me. I am now with a wonderful man & I am happier than I had been in years.

I wish you luck with whatever you 2 decide. Counceling is good, even if you go by yourself.

I think it's over. If he refuses to be transparent and go to counseling, you will continue to beat your head against a brick wall. Not only did I go through it (still am so maybe I'm biased), but several friends as well. He seems like a selfish guy with no interest in doing what's right if it's inconvenient to him for any length of time. If he does not show change-as in willingness to do whatever it takes to let you feel secure and heal, you're just "burning daylight" so to speak. You only have one life. This does not mean you have to do anything immediately if it's technically or financially impossible (I UNDERSTAND THAT god knows), it just means you need to move forward on your own despite him. Start to make a plan. Excel in your own pursuits and don't spend all your energy worrying about him (not easy after years of having to do so). Don't pressure him anymore about wanting him to go to counseling or see his phone. If he won't let you anyway, what's the point? Make strides to become independent. Don't make any declarations about leaving or false threats, but don't hide the fact that you're moving on-as in, you've "given up on him" in a non-angry and resolved way.

In the end, you want to be a strong, happy woman who is a great influence on your children and welcomes only good influences into their lives. So start to be that now. Continue separating from him in whatever capacity possible until you can make the clean physical break. Who knows. If you let him off the hook, give up, and move on, and you're fabulous and happy and about to disappear for good, maybe he'll come thundering out of the sunset waving Excalibur ready to win you back. But you really can't make him, and he doesn't deserve you to settle for his current and past behavior.

AND, blessings to you for giving the time of day to your "friend" and him at all about this. They were truly despicable and I commend you for being civil in any way. Shame on them.

You said that you "just found out" and yet he already says he's done with counseling!?! Wow! Feel free to use any of the following tidbits:

"OF COURSE you don't like what the counselor said! You are the villain of this story!"

"You violated my trust. You don't get to say offhand that I have to start trusting you again. We have to rebuild that together."

"If you are interested in being a husband to me, then we have a marriage to save and need to find a counselor. If you see it as not worth the bother, then we need a lawyer."

You need to put your cards on the table and let him know that you will not be settling for the status quo any longer. Accept responsibility for helping to put your marriage in the state that it is and let him know what you are willing to do to work on it. (Counseling, couples retreat, self-help books....)

My Dad cheated on my M.. It was a prolonged affair. They have gone through counseling and are doing better. (Five years after the disclosure.) My mother recommended to me a book that is good for recovering from marital discord as well as helping to prevent it. Here's a link.

http://www.amazon.com/Fall-Love-Stay-Willard-Harley/dp/08...

Good luck to you.

First, I'm really sorry for your pain. I can feel it in your words. I would venture to guess that the relationship was probably more than just texting if it went on for such a long period of time. My husband and I went to counseling for a few months in order to rebuild trust in our relationship. Neither of us had an affair, but it was only a step away. I had completely detached because I felt the same way you did. I felt like he had abandoned me when I needed him the most. Working through marital issues is SO HARD. Both parties have to be committed to doing whatever it takes. It sounds like he might not be since he quit counseling when he didn't like what was said.

"The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself." www.themommypsychologist.com

Absolutely no judgement here...! When I was young and stupid in my early 20's, my boyfriend at the time had a "emotional affair" and justified it by saying they didn't sleep together. I told him that I really didn't care. It he was sneaking around to be with her, and not being with me, then it's not ok. If he's spending the energy texting her and not you, then it's not ok, and it is a betrayal, even though they're not sleeping together.
Please take care of yourself during all this. I don't know the answer for you but please know that you did try and he was emotionally unavailable at the time that you were recognizing issues and trouble.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and hug your kid's tight!!

By refusing to allow you into all aspects of his life, by refusing to remain in counseling, he's telling you where his priorities lie. He probably thought a male counselor would be much more supportive of "his side" and it's not turning out that way.

He ought to be trying to build trust, not walls, and it took two of you to get your marriage to where it is. I see that you're beating yourself up here, but the blame should be with both of you equally. You didn't drive him to do what he did. He chose this.

If he refuses to attend counseling, refuses to attempt to build trust, I think that's his answer on how he's going to attempt repairing your marriage. And for the record, your "friend" needs to be completely out of both of your lives for this to work. She may be a neighbor, but you're no longer friends. If your husband refuses to cut her out of his life and finds excuses to talk to her, then that's another red flag.

I also wouldn't believe for an instant that they haven't slept together but that's just the cynic in me.

My husband had an emotional affair as well - though there was nothing physical (he denies, I have no proof so I choose to believe him) and I truly "found out" by checking his phone. I was suspicious because they worked together and I had asked repeatedly for him to stop spending time with her (she bought him gifts when she returned from work trips) which I thought was just really inappropriate (at this point we'd been together almost 20 years (17 or so) AND had a 5 year old and a newborn - no need for him to accept gifts (even if they were little - she bought him a baseball cap) from other women. My problem was the lying - he swore "on our marriage" (a VERY long standing thing for us to do) that he hadn't seen her since he left the job where they worked together - I found out a little later that he had just gone and met her for lunch a week or so earlier.

However - I think this is a big however - he was RACKED with guilt. He worked VERY HARD to make it up to me - to win me back - and we went to counseling for 6 months (guess what - he didn't agree with the counselor either cause he was calling him on the table and it's uncomfortable) and eventually decided to renew our vows as a fresh start and new commitment to our family.

It's been 3 years and our marriage is stronger than ever. Sometimes...I do get frustrated and angry and mostly HURT that we had to go through that to get to where we are today. He ruined my fairy tale - ya know? I never ever thought we'd be "that couple" but unfortunately no one is immune.

It isn't easy but it can be done. In your case it does seem like your husband isn't really open now and that red flags me a little - what is he trying to hide? Also - shortly before everything exploded I confronted the "girl" at his old job face to face. She was surprised, said she only considered my husband a friend and said she would stay away. As far as I know she never texted my husband again and the whole thing fell to the wayside. I guess I was lucky in that sense - she was just a random- not a good friend like in your situation.

Good luck either way...I know how much it hurts. :-(

I am sorry to hear about this. I haven't had this happen persay, but I did come across some naked photos of some chick my husband has saved on his computer. I confronted him about it and he told me he had saved those a while ago, and when I asked him if he had anymore he said he couldn't remember. We went through his entire computer and deleted anything offensive to me. We went to counseling because I asked him too. We are doing fine now. He and I haven't been married nearly as long as you have, we just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. But honestly it sounds like he doesn't care and doesn't want to help out in anyway. I'd take the kids and let him have his way, to himself. Putting yourself through this isn't healthy and it's not good for your kids either. You should try a trail separation if you think you can work things out. Take the kids and go stay with a family member or friend or even get your own place if you can afford it and tell him until he starts going to counseling on a regular basis and gets rid of that girls number and starts proving he can be trusted you won't be moving back in with the kids. If he doesn't like it then that should tell you how he really feels about your marriage to him. Good luck. :)

I don't have any marriage advice, for you, sorry to say. It's way over my experiences or knowledge.

My advice is to do everything you can to keep an eye on his phone usage. If you have access to the cell phone bill/account online, then go on and check his voice/data usage. You can't get to his actual texts, but you can see if anything is still happening between the two of them. (Extended story below if you desire to learn more about my experience with this.)

And the only other thing that jumped out at me was, NO, you don't have to start trusting him again - HE has to EARN your trust back - however you require.

BUT - my husband had an emotional affair with the last ex he had before we settled down and got married. He still doesn't see it as such, but what he did see is how much it hurt me. I trust him now because of how he handled the situation - not just immediately, but in the months following. There was no blaming of me, no trying to maintain the relationship, no blow-ups if something about it came up. He accepted responsibility for hurting me and I truly do believe that nothing physical happened.

That said, for probably a year or more after, I checked our cell phone records. That's how I learned about the extent of the original issue. I at first found some inappropriate texts and then checked our records to discover that they had been texting and eventually talking nearly all day long while he was at work. Then he would come home and be completed detached from me. He had nothing left to give me after chatting with her all day. He also still doesn't believe that his behavior at home changed at all after cutting it off with her, but it was a complete turn-around.

I couldn't get the actual texts, but it did allow to me to keep an eye on him without having access to his phone. And I suggest you do the same.

Usually I discourage the idea of leaving because divorce is awful and terrible. I went through it and am still sad to this day despite a remarriage of seventeen years. But you can't stay married alone. It takes two. I suggest with men that you work on what they like first (yup-you know what it is) touching and physical stuff and back off on this emotional relationship issue. For now. You said it, you felt angry like you weren't there, so okay forgive yourself, forgive him and move on. You knew he was narcisstic from the beginning so if you want him then you take the whole package. Otherwise you plan very carefully what else you want to do. People do let us down, people do hurt us especially when circumstances like you listed in four years, happen. Do not base your own marriage ON ANYONE else's. I have done that, thought my marriage was lousy and saw people who I thought were amazingly happy split up. Look at the good side of whatever you have-make up lists if you have to. I'd avoid the 'friend' also if you can and this phone stuff? WELL I'm sure you have your own answer about all of this, but those are some thoughts on my part. This is all if feel it is really worth it. To tell you the truth I think you deserve someone better.

Www.survivinginfidelity.com has been an absolute godsend to me. The resources at this website are phenomenal. There are forums for a ton of different scenarios as well as what's called 'the healing library' where ther are articles, links, FAQ's & more for both the betrayed spouse as well as the wayward spouse.

Your husband is right now going through what is known as "the fog". It's extremely difficult to combat, but the overall consensus is to do what's called a 180 on him. This is where you begin to detach yourself emotionally from your spouse & generally causes a turn-around for him/her. You don't actually need to leave to do this, just carry on with your own life, go to your own counseling, read your own books, discuss nothing other than finances & the kids with your spouse & remain entirely unemotional throughout. It is extremely difficult, but invaluable in a lot of instances.

Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want to vent. You are NOT alone in this.

First off...hugs to you. I love your post. It has so much honesty and vulnerability. I'm not going to get into the obvious about the friend and the husband I am simply going to say trust your instinct. You continue with the counseling so that you can live your life and make the choices that need to be made with the support of a third party and the security of knowing what is right for you. Your relationship has been through the ringer and he was not completely there for you before and seems to be checking out now. He doesn't seem to "care" what hurts you or sacrifice his privacy for your comfort...that is crucial at this time and like children, we suffer consequences but just work through the time it takes...He is being immature and selfish (I am not saying this harshly, just matter of factly). No one is innocent but there is "more" wrong in some cases. Please stick with your counselor, let go of asking him any longer and focus on yourself. If he sees the change in you and wants to take part and get involved great, if not you will be strong enough to endure the next chapter whatever it may be.

My best to you...

once trust is gone its very hard to gain back.. if he cant understand that i dont know what to tell u.. i really think counseling is a great idea.. id say something like if u wont go u obviously dont care about this marriage.. and i want to tell u i think youre amazing because if i was in this situation wen i found out i woulda went next door and beat the hell outa that woman and then came home n asked the husband wether he wanted to keep his right or left ball cuz he was definatley losing one

it sounds like he's still lying and hiding things and the fact hes not willing to do counseling says a lot. Who J. pecks? If they were attracted to eachother it wouldn't be J. a peck, and if they did J. "peck" it wouldn't even be on their minds to confess. I have "pecked several friends while saying goodbye in a harmless way and if asked I would never confess to it or remember it because simple enough it wouldn't be on my mind.
Also, if you don't have access to his phone its shady
My ex was like this from 14-26 I didn't know he was cheating. It was the only relationship I knew so I assumed it was normal to not want to talk in front of your SO because you're shy on the phone and to want privacy so you hide email and phone passowords. When it finally all came out becase I found evidence of his physical and emotional affiar he was willing to do eerything, but since the duration was so long and our whole relationship was buily om lies I ended things. I knew he never actually loved M. and J. wanted M. as security, because he knew I'd never leave. We're friends now and copparent our daughter. I don't reccomend divorce lightly at all. it is one of the hardest things years later to split time with my daugher who is now 5 and not give her the family unit she longs for BUT I know I wantto show her love and a healthy relationship. You have to evaluate your relationship and see if it would be suitable for your kids to mimic when they're older. f you could ever get it to a point with lots of hard work which would be acceptable for them to witness and think is nornal and eventually have. If you can I would say both put 200% in and its better than divorce but if in your heart you know it's never going to be ok for you (you won't be able to work on it and not accuse him all of the time, and hes not willing to put 200% in to show you he's trustworthy) then I'd end it

I'm sending you a big hug. I have been there and (to me) an emotional affair is worse than a one-night-stand! I totally hear what you're saying and I'm really sorry you had to go through such a hard road.

My husband's emotional affair was 12 years ago and it was a big "wake-up" call for us both. I was lucky that the object of his affection was not a friend and actually lives in another country (although they did get together when she visited South Africa). Luckily he was willing to go to counselling and we really are closer now than ever before. I agree that you can't fix a relationship by yourself - he must meet you half way.

Before giving up I'd try to talk to him after the kids are in bed and ask him if he would be willing to go to a different marriage counsellor. Whoever you go to MUST be seen to be impartial. Nobody likes to be told that they were "wrong" (he knows that already!).

The therapy that worked for us is called Imago Therapy (books & dvds also available on Internet). It basically gives you tools to help you understand where the other person is coming from. Often we HEAR what someone is saying but we don't really UNDERSTAND what they're getting at.

Please feel free to send me a private message if you need to know more. I'll be praying for a good future for you and your family. God Bless

go online and look up your cell account, you can see the numbers who he's sending and recieving calls and texts from. from there you can do a reverse phone number look up to see who that number is registered to. THEN confront him about it. If he's not willing to talk about it at least, and go to counciling then he's not willing to work on "us"

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please don't blame yourself in any way.

Please read Tatianna C's response below. It is exactly what I would have written.

Hugs to you.

"The chief cause of divorce is selfishness." According to what you wrote, he wasn't there for you and you weren't there for him.

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." If you don't change what you are doing and he doesn't change what he is doing, nothing will change.

You and your husband should concentrate on each other and meeting the other's needs and wants. Read the book, "The Proper Care and feeding of Husbands." After you finish it, give it to him to read. OR better yet, read it together side by side. It will help you understand him better and it will help him understand you better. I liked this book so much I gave a copy to all my married children.

Watch the movie, "Fireproof" together. I watched it with my wife and two of our married children and their wives. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Get the movie's companion manual, "The Love Dare". It will teach you and him HOW to concentrate on each other in a positive manner. It may be uncomfortable at first because you and he will have to change what you are doing and your way of dealing with each other. But if you do follow the book and do what it says to do, you will end up with a wonderful marriage.

Good luck to you and yours.

Try Mort Fertel, look him up online. It is an alternate marriage counseling program. And please stop blanking yourself in any way for what he did. I'm so sorry for your pain. Keep going to a counselor so you have someone to talk to about all of this. A trial Seperation may be a good idea, just talk to a lawyer first...you don't want to move out or away from your kids if it will adversely effect custody stuff in the future. He sounds like he is in ego mode and he is trying to see if he can get away with that. You need to leverage losing his family over him to get his ego to break and then see if you can work it out. If you want to go down that road.

Hi B.- Take a deep breath and give yourself a hug. I am so sorry for your pain. I have been there. If your husband is truly a narcissist, chances are it will be very hard for him to come around. As my therapist explained, true narcissists have a hard time making meaningful change and that they actually lack an ability to empathize. Problems in the relationship will never be with themselves. I eventually had to stop giving 150% and see if my former husband would step up. He did not and we did not survive as a couple. If your husband is not a true narcissist you could have a chance. But- it sounds like you need to set some very clear boundaries- (and having complete transparency with one another after what you have been through is completely fair). Let him know that you need him to show him through his actions that this relationship is worth saving. Then do your work and see if he does his. For you and your children, I hope your marriage is one that can turn around. I wish you the best. I am very happily married now, but I can say that the pain I went through with my first husband was the worst of my life. Hang in there and have faith in the ability of love to prevail!

Take your blinders off. You know darn wellT with him changing his password...something is still going on. I never could understand after a spouse in a marriage cheated how you could stay together...what's the point?The vows are broken.