Motherhood and Sex

I struggle with this too. I've used the line "It's not you, it's me." and feel so guilty. I am so worn out with the kids that all I want to do is hit the pillow and cover up when I go to bed!

Usually what gets me going is when I think how I would feel if my hubby were saying those things to me...and not wanting to do anything with me. I guess I'm blessed that my hubby still tries. And then once we are into it, I usually regret all the times I said no!

It seems like all of us has had some type of a problem with this SEX thing. I know I have no sex drive what so ever. It is just something moms go through because of the strain of having kids. One suggestion, just do it. If your husband prefers quantity over quality then give it to him as often as you can tolerate. I have been stingy for so long that I feel guilty also and my husbands sex drive is off the charts. He is a hot latin man who wants it all the time but I never do. But to keep the "love" alive, I just do what I have to. It sounds passive and somewhat demeaning, but believe me, it will get results. Stop thinking about it and just do it! That is the best I can do. I am only 31 and haven't had a sex drive in about 7 years. So I feel where you are coming from. Don't fret and just sike yourself into it. And, hey, make it romantic (I know it's hard to being that you're a mom and all but even just a short little strip tease will send some tingles) be creative and barter. If we do it tonight we're not going to do it tomorrow night. Or give it to him twice in a row and skip a couple of days. You have to come to some sort of compromise. Good luck and keep us posted.

while it took me quite a while to get my sex drive back, my husband and i are opposite of normal people in this regard. i could have sex every day and my hubby isnt like that. ( i know, its totally wierd) i can tell you it took us 2 years to concieve our daughter. part of that was fertility problems and part was the fact that he didnt put forth any effort or didnt want to have sex that often. i can tell you it hurt me and did a HUGE number on my self esteem b/c he never seemed to want to have sex and i felt rejected all the time. it was, and today to an extent remains the only issue we have negatively in our marriage.

does your husband help out around the house or the kids? are you on any type of BC pill? if he doesnt help out that much, perhaps suggesting he pitch in more, or give you some alone time once in a while might help recharge you, so you arent so tired. do you have any family members that could watch your kids for a weekend? perhaps getting away where you dont have to worry about any kids may help too b/c you wont be waiting on them hand and foot and can actually relax.

just some suggestions. however, all that being said, i dont think you should do it if you dont want to, especially if he is complaining you arent putting forth "a full effort". i know if my husband did it and it was just b/c i've been nagging him, then i just didnt want to do it either.

Since this isn't your first her should understand that this is something that you just go through. I myself, also share this feeling. My husband acts as if I am making him feel like the most disgusting person in the world. I told him that a guilt trip will only make me not want to do it all the more. Perhaps, if he just laid off a bit, and you were the one to initiate the act, then maybe it might not feel like you need to put so much effort into it. I have a 6 y.o., 21/2y.o. and a 10 month old. There is just something about having a baby that I think makes most women lose the drive for sex. I just don't even care if it ever happens again. I do feel bad about that, but I don't want to talked into doing something that I really don't want to do. It may only make you dislike yourself even more. Does he realize that the time after having a baby is hard for you and that you just need some time to get back to the woman that you were before? Maybe then he might back off alittle.

I have a 5 month old and am still nursing, I'm not that into it either, but we still do it. It's still fun to be with my husband, so maybe if you do it anyway and try to have fun the psychological aspect will take over even though the hormones haven't come around yet.

As a mother of 4 and a grandmother of 1 and 1/2 (lol) I can give you these simple facts:
You have three children and a household to run, you are too tired to have a sex drive.
It is very hard to find the "right time" when you have young children.
When the time is right, you will be turned on. Your husband needs to learn patience and men should understand that women's sexuality is different from theirs.
Your husband needs to respect the fact that the time and place need to be right, and he needs to pitch in to make these things happen. The kids need to either be sleeping peacefully or out of the house, there can be no stress (thinking about housework undone or bills not paid), and he needs to "coax" you!
I disagree with the ladies telling you to "put out" to make him happy-I did that for 18 years and now I am so full of resentment toward my husband that we do not even sleep in the same room. I told him over and over to be patient and be more romantic, but he didn't listen and now I can't stand his touch at all.
Don't worry: as long as your husband is patient with you, your sex drive will come back! If he really loves you and is concerned with your feelings he'll know what to do!

I thought I was going to be ok, now I am going through a long spell of nothing! like march! plus i realized the birth control i was taking may have had an effect on me., i feel bad for my husband, but i did get mad at him for even trying, now he won't try too often, he is scared. Try blind folding him or yourself, offer a massage to him or rub his feet for no reason, just to get it started. u can keep the intimacy without feeling like you have to do it. also, something that gave good ideas -- the berman (sp?) sisters website, they r creative. don't lose hope!

Hello S.. I know how you feel. My sex drive after my last child has diminished to nothing. My husband gets frustrated when I tell him that I'm not in the mood.

I personally don't think that you shouldn't do anything that your heart isn't in...simply because he isn't appreciative when you do put forth the effort of trying to please him. He is just going to have to understand that having a baby is a stress on the body and it takes time to heal.

I wish you luck hun.

I am having the same problem! I am 25 and have NO sex drive my husband tries all the time and it's getting to the point that it's annoying me and he doesn't understand even when I tell him that its me and not him. I used to love my body, I was perfectly thin, perky breasts nice butt I loved getting dressed up for him and going out, now, even though I'm back to my original weight but not shape it's not the same. I don't really have any advice for you put I want you to know you're not alone! If you find a way to get out of the funk PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

Heres what I have learned. If you get past the point of starting all is well. It is really that you may not be in the mood but once you start you won't want to turn back. I am the same way....trust me!! And my husband gets mad!! He thinks that I am rejecting him and that I don't find him attractive. It is not that at all!! But I have been told by other mothers and my doctor that if you just try it will work! So even though you really want to go to sleep just relax and see where it goes!! GOOD LUCK!! I think we all need it!

I was similar to you. No sex drive and my husband suffered at first. What we did was snuggle, watch a movie, and make out. I forgot how heavy kissing can effect you. Sometimes, instead of having sex, I got out some lotion and just gave him the pleasure. He enjoyed having it all focused on him and the pressure was off me. Personally, I believe that I needed to make an effort. I would not like the shoe on the other foot. There is a delicate line between both of our needs. Sometimes I made the effort and sometimes not. I tried to keep a resonalbe balance for his sake. Feelings come and go and some of the best advice I got about marriage is that "feelings come and go, if you act like you feel it, the feelings will re-emerge". Basically, if you do other intimate things, slow dance naked, body message- both naked, hand jobs,etc...the feeling that those things stir will emerge and if they don't, he can still get some release for his building tension in a positive, loving way.

Good luck and best wishes!

PS - If he complains when you make the effort, I would tell him that you are making a special effort on his behalf because you love and appreciate him, but he needs to understand you need time and to enjoy what you are able to give at the time.