Mother of One Seeking Help

It is time for tough LOVE. You are only enabling them b/c they know that they will get away with what they are doing. The 18 year old is old enough to be out on his own, but in his mind hey why should I when I have all I need given to me. The 16 yr old needs to be at home with her mother. Is she in school? She needs someone stable and strict in her life. If she can't follow the rules then hey let her see what it's like out there on your own. Once she does realize I'm sure she will straighten up.

Oh J.,
My heart breaks for you. To be so young and have to be put in a situation so hard. I have no great advice, I wish I did. They(your sister and brother) may not show it now, but later as they mature they will know who was there for them. Your deeds will not go unnoticed. I'll keep you in my prayers! But your mother has been allowed to sit back, and it is time for her to step up. YOU NEED A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

prat of me wants to tell you to tell your brother that he needs to get a job and start paying some sort of rent...to help out with household expenses. either that or find another place to live. sit them both down and set down "the law" if you want to let them stay then they need to follow the rules of the house and start respecting your authority in the house, otherwise they can start looking for somewhere else to stay. perhaps write out contracts and have them singed (and even wittnessed if you want) of expectations and rules such as curfew, phone times, chores... I've never been in your situation, so I do not know if what I am suggesting is good or not...

Wow! I must first say what a great deed you have been doing for your brother and sister. Especially for five years which made you 17 or so when you took them in. I guess if I were in that situation, which would be hard for me to imagine but, I would tell your brother what my mom had always told me and my brothers from the time we hit high school. She always said that she didn't care if we lived at home with her after graduation but if we did, we must have a job or, 'So long'. He should be old enough to understand what a responsibility it was for you to take on raising him and his/your sister. He should then respect you and your wishes to start a family with your boyfriend. I guess with your boyfriend, I would be a little worried if he were holding the situation against his love for you and wishes to start a family with you. I bet it is really difficult though so I hate to judge. Anyway, the sister, I think she is at a bad age and sounds like she may have some family issues anyway. It has to be difficult for her too. But, I think if you have done it for this long, don't make her go back to her mother who obviously doesn't know how to be a mother to them. There has got to be a reason that they went with you in the first place. I can see her point if she feels like you are abondoning her. She probably feels like you don't love her anymore. It sounds like you need to sit them both down and have a long, serious talk with both of them about your wishes, concerns and your love for them. You'd be surprised how much more understanding people can be if they see your true feelings and where you are coming from. Try not to make it confrontational though or it will only end sourly. If things are actually safe in the house for your five year old and you want to start a family, I say, go ahead. Just make it clear to your brother and sister what their expectations are. For your brother to get a job and live independently and for your sister to respect what you are doing for her and what you have already done for her and your wishes to start a family of your own with your boyfriend. Every family has something unusual about it. Your sister will most likely be there for the next two years anyway, until she graduates and as long as she knows that she will be on her own then(for her own good)she will not expect anything more. But, enjoy the time you have with them now. Remember, we only 'feel' the way we let ourselves feel. So, if something happens to make you angry or disturbed, think about what 'you' can do to make the situation better, not what they can do. Even if you know they are in the wrong. Otherwise, you can lead a very problematic, stressful life. It's very hard to do but just think about how much better things could be. 16 is a tough age and your sister needs you more now than ever so she heads down the right path in the future for the rest of her life. It is very important to her future as well as yours. Most importantly, let them know that you do love them. Let them know everyday. They need it--everyone needs that. Well, good luck and let me know what you decide.

M.

Hi J.,
I was once in your shoes. I raised two of my husband's cousins from the age of 13 and 15. I was 23. They were in drugs and gangs. We went through some hard times together, but always together. They did move out once they turned 18, (free of drugs and gangs) but that was because I made sure that they were taught independence. I made them know that they could not move out until they graduated from Highschool and were 18 years old. One has a Bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice and the other is raising four children of his own. Both are great fathers. Your brother seems like he's just taking advantage now. Instead of kicking him out, making him feel like ANOTHER person is abandoning him, give him some responsiblities. Make him responsible for that phone bill and electric bill. That will have to get him off his booty and look for a job. There are many temp jobs out there. As for your sister, TLC, that's what she needs. Give her all the TLC and attention you can give her. I know it's overwhelming, but she obviously won't have a life with your mom. God is going to bless you for what you are doing. Don't expect thanks from the kids. You will reap what you have sown, then realize how blessed you are for being able to do this for Your Kids. I wish more people had the courage to take on such a responsibility. You are doing a great job. Just remember, "God will not give us more than we can handle." God bless you and your family.

I agree with most the moms here. I believe they need "tough love" they might say hurtful things and pretend to hate you at the time but soon when they mature they'll understand that it was for their own good. If the 18 year old sees that even without a job he can have all that he wants then maybe taking things and privilages away or just plain taking him back to your mom will open his eyes and he will see the need to work to support himself.
As for your mom she hasn't seen the need to worry about her children in years because she knows that they are good with you and if you don't stand your ground she won't take you serioussly.
I know this must be hard for you. But you need to let them that you are tired of taking responsabilities that don't belong to you. (you have your own daughter to be responsable for) not to mention the fact that you are ready to make you own life with your boyfriend.
Think about it and meke your move. Remember you have allready done done so much for them.

Hi J.,

I read your letter and was very moved by it. I can't imagine dealing with what you are having to deal with, especially at your age. It is obvious that you are the responsible one in your family. This is a wonderful trait to have, but I know that it can feel like a curse too. You have every right to want to start your own life, and at the ages of your brother and sister, you are almost there. Your brother and sister need to be able to take care of themselves, and that should not be a life long sentence for you to do. It will do them no good to sacrifice yourself and your daughter and your future husband's life in order to help them. Your brother needs to find a job and do what a man should do. If he stays there any longer, he should respect your rules and pay you rent until he gets his own place. Your sister, also, should respect you. You need to tell them that you are not a free ride for them and that you are not their mother. You, also, do not have the comfort of a mother, so, do not feel like you have to fill that spot for them. You can love them and care for them without having them ruin your life. You and your daughter must be your first concern. I was in a hard situation when I was younger and I always wanted to start building my own life, away from my family. If you are not careful, they will drag you down and prevent you from being and having all you want in this life. You have already done so much and your siblings are almost grown! You have done your duty to them and I am so impressed by someone that has that much strength! Please know that it will be over soon, and that your brother and sister's lives will be up to them to determine, not you. In a practical sense, I would tell your brother that you love him, but that he must have a job by a certain date! Tell him, he must take care of himself now and mean it! It sounds like you cannot depend on your mom, so I would just forget that. I would tell your sister that she must obey your rules in your own house or leave! You can do this with love in your heart and not carry guilt about it. You are obviously, so strong, you can get through this and build a better life for yourself and your daughter. I wish you all the best along with your boyfriend. I will keep this in my prayers and hope that God will show you the way through. You are so young and you have a lot of living to do. One day, it will be easier for you.

M.

God bless you, my friend. It seems you have had a very hard life up to this point, but you can certainly have a good life from now on. I think you need professional help, like a family counselor. If you don't have insurance, maybe call your local MHMR and ask them for help or for a referral. Sometimes you have to make a lot of calls before you find the right person to help you, but eventually someone will be able to point you in the right direction.

Blessings and best of luck.

I had my brother living with me for a while. And his girlfriend too. The both of them got jobs but had no respect for my house and rules. always on the phone and didnt help pay for groceries and cooked and made a mess and never cleaned up after them selves. I kicked them out. I know its family. But we are individuals and need to be respected. Kick your brother out. And if your sister doesnt start to obide by your house rules, see if you can talk to grandma or send her to a boot camp, to keep her out of trouble. Do you think she would end up pregnant? I cant live with other people. I have tried it. My hubby and 2 baby boys is all i can handle.

Hi J.:

It looks like when you took your brother and sister in, you did not clearly set the ground rules. They are old enough to understand that there needs to be some. If they want to live there, they need to repect your home and your individual family. If they want to go in and out of the house, they need to move out on there own and pay their own bills, so they can. They are also old enough to get jobs and help with the household bills. They are not your kids and they need to realize that they need to stop acting like little children and that you have a child of your own to raise and have little time to raise them! You need to give your brother a deadline (2-3 weeks) to find any kind of job and help you by paying at least one monthly bill (light, water) or move out on his own. Your sister also needs to get a part time job and help out as well (groceries, a smaller bill) and continue school. Their needs to be a designated time that their friends can call and a time at night that phone calls stop, because you have a child that needs structure and sleep-the phone cannot be ringing off the hook. If they ingnore this rule, unplug the phone. You helped them by giving them a place to live, but they are still kids and need to help you by respecting your home and life, not just expect they can do what they want.

I don't think it is a good idea that they go back to your mother, but if they don't want that, they need to respect the rules and you!

i see everyone's advice is "tough love" i understand where they are coming from. my point is, it is going to be very hard for you to play the mother/father role while really you are their sister. they are never going to give you the respect, especially at this age, that they would give a parent that was consistent in their lives. since this seems non existent in this case, i think you are doing the best you can. you have become the leader of the family. this is a good thing, you should be proud of yourself to be able to fill so many shoes at such a young age. the good thing is, they are older. the 18 year old should be taught the same leadership and independence that you know of so well. i would make your house a practice run for living on his own since he shows no ambition. and give it your own time frame whether he ever gets it or not. (a real landlord doesn't give too many grace periods if you know what i mean). and for the 16 year old, the same goes for her. she should get a small part time job too. even if its just 2 days a week or babysitting,etc. any rule you establish at this point they will probably rebel just because of their age and like i said before you can only be their older sister. make any rules/standards that make your home life peaceful. when they finally mature one day they will thank you. i would make it clear to the 16 year old that just like her brother, when she turns 18 the same goes for her. you are not kicking them out, just teaching them independence. good luck and keep me up to date!~K.

Hello there J.,

You are such and inspiration at your young age to be taking on so much. I am 31 a mother of 2 boys and cant imagine having that much more on my plate. But I do know that your 18 yr. old brother is legally considered an adult now and it is about time that he is treated like one. I know how hard it would be for you because I am the oldest of 4 kids and I would be there for my siblings anytime, but not without respect and help financially especially since they have been living with you for awhile. The 16yr.old is another issue since she is not yet an adult. I hope it all works out. You have such a tough decision. Oh and hurray for your boyfriend to have been such an understanding support for you all. I know my advice wasnt much but you have recieved quite a bit of wonderful advice.

Julie

I never reply to mamasource unless I think my advice could help a child. I think that you really need to be firm with your brother and set up a date when he will have to move out of your home and pay for himself. He is 18 years old and has finished school alreadt and the money you are spending on him you could be using for college savings or family vacations for your daughter. Plus your brother sitting on the couch watching TV instead of working is teaching your daughter bad habits. For your sister, she is only 16 so she may need some more time with you if she could be responsible and work after school to help pay for bills (like the phone bill). If she is not willing to help out by working then she should find another place to live while she finishes school. There is a place in Waco, Texas that takes kids ages 13-19 and allows them to live and go to school for free. It is a place for kids who have not had stable parents. There are many places like that. Just do some research on the internet. With a 5 year old daughter you should be focusing on her needs and not that of your siblings. I admire you for helping your family but teenage years are hard and your siblings need a mother/father or another adult figure in thier life besides you. I hope you listen to my advice and find the stength to stand up to your family members. They will respect you more when they are older.

Hello J.,
I was in a similar situation. At eighteen I raised my brother and took care of my mentally and physicall unstable mother. If I didn't work to pay the light bill it didn't get paid and if I didn't work to buy groceries we didn't have any. My brother went to live with his dad at the age of six, because he decided all of a sudden he wanted to be a part of his life. My brother is now fourteen and I have the same problem with him respecting me. They are eighteen and sixteen they are both old enough to get jobs and help out. This may seem harsh but unscrew the lightbulbs in there room pull all of the electronics out of there room, tape copies of the lightbill to their doors. They need to be made aware of all of the bills in the house, tape the grocerie reciept to the refrigator. I can understand their response to being upset and feeling abanded. Sit down and talk to them let them know you are there for them and explaing that you have been there for them. Point out the life they have lived for the past four years. They need to be aware of your struggles and that you are not trying to get rid of them but that you are just trying to have a more traditional life. Explain to them that you now need their help and support. Cry if necessary do what ever it takes to get through to them your feelings. It may take a while afterall we are talking about teenagers. Just remember why you did what you did in the first place, because you have unconditional love for them! I hope things get better.
J.
From Louisiana

It sounds like some one needs a dose of "tough love"
those are not your children, you are not legally responsable for them! They need to go back to their mother and she needs to take care of her children. If i were you i would just pack up their things and take them over to your moms house and drop them off.
it's not fair to expect you to take care of your siblings at the expense of your own life, espically when your mother is capable of doing it herself.

hang in there.

Hi My name is M. and I have been in your shoes with my husbends brother who came to live with us when he was 16 tell 18 . I have a 1 year old son and I know how it is to raise your own. The other 2 are family and you canyt turn your back on them but you also can not let a good man get away. Have you had a talk and given your sister and brothe and time this is how this will work. I told m,y brother in law that he was going to get off his butt and get a part time job . My husband and I could not pay bills and his mom would not help. I had to turn to food stamps. And that was hard for me I was always on my own and had money . He was acting up in school and the phone alsways ringing to smokeing weed. It was right after I had my son I said enough was enough my son did not have his own room and sleeping in my room. I told him he either got off his butt or had a month to find a new home. He found a part-time job quick. He wanted to go out all the time but I let him know he wants to go and come he can can live else where. He started to figure out I was not jokeing I had the phone shut off only had my cell and changed the locks to where he wanted to go he was not get backing in. It only took a few times and he got the hint. But in the end he did go back to hims mom;s because I packed them and drove him over. Some people will always take kind ness and family for weekness. I will not and you should not either give up on having a happy family with the man that has been there for you and your child. bUT HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE YOUR FAMILY AND YOU CANT CHANGE THAT. Well if you need to talk my e-maill is ____@____.com Take care and hang in it will get worse or it will get better. M.

Hi J., I am the mother of 2 girls, one 13 months and one 8 years. My suggestion is to give your brother and sister a deadline of when they need to do what you want them to do...get a job, move out, etc. If they want to live with you, then you make the rules. If they don't like them, then they can choose to leave. Life is all about choices, and once you make them, you can't go back. Choose to make your life the way you want it. Do what you know you need to do for your daughter and yourself. She is your priority, and look at the environment she is in. Is it what you want for her? Changes are hard to make, but prayer helps. Don't abandon your family if you see them trying, but if they are just takers, giving them what they want won't help them in the long run.
I know life is hard sometimes. My husband was killed right before I found out I was pregnant. We lost our house and eveything to Katrina. I have a saying "you have to see it to be it". If you picture where you want to be in life, you can get there. You can change your life and get where you want to be. I hope this helps some.
M.

Hi J.,
I don't know what you are going through, and i have never been placed in that situation, but i do know that letting them take advantage of you (weither you think they are or not) is not the solution. As for your brother...You need to give him 2 options. Get a Job, or get out. My brother did this with my parents. He would tell his friends "why get a job, when my parents pay for everything." That lasted until my dad said, you WILL get a job and you WILL start helping w/ finances around here or you WILL find yourself w/out a home. He tried a couple of jobs, then tried living w/ a couple of friends..and he finally learned that he had to DO something w/ his life. As for your sister, sit her down and have a talk w/her. She needs to be reassured that you are not doing to her what her mother did. Give Up. You don't know deeply how she feels or has taken the situation w/ your mom. She could possibly blame herslef! Not knowing this, and trying to mend that relastionship could lead to a disaster! Have a heart to heart. Tell her that you need for her to help more, and be more respectful. Don't just tell her all of her faults, but let her know that you are hurting too. And that all of you could help each other by EVERYONE adjusting their lifestyles. Assure her that you will take care of her, but that you can only do as much as what she will let you. Let her know that the current lifestyle is unacceptable. Juding on how she reacts w/ this i would leave the "expanding the family" out of the initial conversation. Teenagers often take everything you say totaly wrong. You may say.."i want to expand our family, with you in it" but she will probably hear "I can't have a baby with you living here and being a brat". I would love to share w/ you a book of communications that my workplace firmly believes in and teaches. it more than helps w/my husband and i. Feel free to email me anytime. I hope everything goes well, and don't let that great man slip away. He needs to be assured as well, and invovled in the heart to hearts too.

J.,

Hello! My name is Candance. I am a 32-year old single parent of a 6-year old son. My husband and I divorced when my son was 6 weeks old.

I am very sorry to hear about what you are experiencing. Life has been tough for me, but nothing compared to your current situation. I just wanted to encourage you and to offer my friendship should you need it.

Before I say anything, let me admonish you for taking in your brother and sister. You are very young yourself and the responsibility that you've taken on with them is admirable. You must love them very much. But, if your brother is 18, he needs to get up and work or get out. It's as simple as that. Love him, but don't hurt him by allowing him to be lazy and ungrateful. He will only continue to do so unless you put your foot down and say, "no more." Give him a time frame for getting a job and stick to it. If he doesn't straighten up by that time, show him the door. Tough love works. He may resent you at first, but he'll eventually get it. He is practically a man now. And, unfortunately, he's going to have to get a crash course on adulthood. It's time.

It's unfortunate that your boyfriend is waiting for things to be "perfect" in your life before he takes the next step with you. Tread carefully here. Do not begin your family with him until you are his wife. Even then, take things slowly. You have been dealing with a lot. Don't rush into additional responsibility. Husbands leave and boyfriends leave just that much quicker because they dont' have to wait around for a court of law (divorce) to set them free. I'm not saying that your boyfriend will leave you. What I am saying is that you have to take care of yourself. You have to be okay so that you can be what you need to be for your daughter. Be sure that your feet are firmly planted on the ground, so that if something unexpected comes up in your life, you can handle it; you can experience it and keep on moving! So, before you have anymore children or become someone's wife, give yourself some time to enjoy your life; enjoy those that are already in your life; you're still very young (although I know the responsibility you've currently undertaken makes you feel much older)!

Raising children requires so much energy! Enjoy your daughter...learn to find some time for YOU. If you're not whole, you don't have enough to give anyone else.

Now, as for the 16-year old. You will have to be firm, but loving with her. I'm sure she already thinks that she knows everything. You'll have to show her that she does not. If you can, get someone to watch your daughter for a few hours maybe one day a week. Spend this time with your sister. Go out for a picnic, window shopping, or to dinner and just talk. Show her that you love her and that even though you are there for her you will not tolerate her misbehaving. State your case about the never-ending phone calls and any other issues that you're having. It's your house and they must know to respect it. Firmness, consistency, and quality time spent is what works with teenagers. I have never raised any, but I have mentored several over the years.

I wish you the very best. Please feel free to shout back to me anytime you need to talk or just vent.

God bless you,
Candance