Mother in Law Being Ungrateful!?

My Mothers Day present is being able to babysit my grandbabies a couple of days a week!!!! I am grateful for that. A call and a card and I am content. In todays economy I do not want my children spending the money.
Between their mortgages, two having own businesses, it can be tight for
them. I cannot imagine any MIL expecting a gift, especially when she knows
kids really do not have any extra money. So sorry you have to deal with these issues.

not sure you'll like my answer, but here it is...

yes, it's not polite or tactful to "ask for" a gift. however, and this is a BIG however, you seem to have an attitude of entitlement about you. your MIL watches your younger child because YOU can't afford childcare, your parents watch your boys one day a week and pay bills for you because YOU can't afford it. it really doesn't matter if you can afford it or not, these are YOUR obligations and not their's, so the fact that you can't afford to meet them is not THEIR problem, and it doesn't figure into the equation in any way/sort/form/fashion than it would if they did these things for you and you could afford them.

look at it from you MIL's point of view for a moment. do you buy or do ANY extras? do you buy nice clothing? do you ever get pedicures? do you EVER go out to dinner? do you pay for any services that you could do yourself? if you are doing ANYTHING that is not absolutely necessary to life, then i think your MIL has some basis in being annoyed at not receiving some sort of gift. she is providing you with thousands upon thousands of dollars of "services", sees you getting a "handout" from your parents as well - yet doesn't even get a small, sentimental token of appreciation for Mother's Day?

i know times are hard right now, but 18 months is more than enough time to find a way to get your ducks in a row... be it by short selling your home, giving it up to foreclosure, both of you working 2 jobs. there's got to be some other debt coming into play. you work full time and he works 2 jobs - your car insurance is paid for and you have NO childcare expenses. it's time to get cheaper cars, sell things you don't need/use on craigslist, quit your job and take care of your own kids as well as a few others in your home(which would also allow you to go down to 1 vehicle), etc. i know those sound extreme - i would personally go to some pretty extreme lengths to avoid being under someone else's thumb financially, and if i did need financial help, i'd have a plan with dollar amounts and dates and a way to get out. those kids and bills are YOUR responsibility - there is almost ALWAYS strings attached when family is doing things for you financially that you can't do for yourself.

it's not a fun position for any of you to be in - i'd find a way to scrape together $20 bucks and put a cute photo of the kids in a frame or SOMETHING. i know you said you were gonna do something but "time got away from you", but really, this woman does a LOT for you - find time! i'm sure she's no angel, and she sounds like she can be manipulative, etc. - but you're right - you can't piss her off.

her attitude isn't exceptional, but neither is yours. start making a plan to get away from being so dependent on your families, and share it with them. maybe she's tired of keeping your son and she's almost trying to pick a fight so she can "quit" and feel justified? good luck, but be SURE that you are aware of what it is that she does for you - it's gonna cost you a LOT more than a Mother's Day gift or portion of a portrait if you lose her. you can't afford to "keep her happy", but can you afford NOT to?

4 days a week of child care for an 18 month old is more than equal to pre-school and insurance payments. Your MIL sounds like a gem, and of course she is hurt that you didn't honor her on Mother's Day.

Even if you could not afford a pricey gift, you could have gotten, or made, a lovely card, picked up a $10 dollar bouquet from the local market, etc. There are many inexpensive, or even free, ways to show your appreciation for someone.

I strongly suggest that you find a way to "chip in" for Father's Day. And what does it matter that you didn't get a call on your anniversary - it's a family portrait to celebrate a milestone anniversary - 30 years!!!!- figure out a place to find the $$. Skip that latte on the way to work, brown bag lunch, carpool, cancel the cable TV, whatever - I am sure you can find $20 a month in your budget - that will enable you to participate in these family events. And, buy that bunch of flowers for your MIL.

Have you stopped to think that maybe they don't understand *why* you have no extra money since they are providing all this free care for you and enabling you to not have child care bills?

I don't blame your MIL for being angry at her son. Probably disappointed, feeling used, taken for granted, and wondering how her son turned out to be so ungrateful. Just because she doesn't have a job, doesn't mean that there are not other things she might enjoy doing, but doesn't because she is caring for *your* son.

I'm sorry M., I just don't get what you are angry about. You have lots and lots of help from both your families, they provide *free* child care, and pay some of your bills. It seems that all they are asking for in return is a little appreciation.

I am really confused as to how you could hold down a full time job and your husband is working 2 jobs...your parents are paying for your bills and your mother-in-law takes care of your kids for free..... and you can't afford to chip in $20 for a gift?
Maybe your mother-in-law doesn't understand either.

Hello M., you and First Time Mommy made me sooo mad that I had to leave this site to clear my thoughts as I cannot believe what you, the younger generation is actually expecting from others and what you really think about supportive people behind their backs.

Or NOT thinking. It is no one else's responsibility in your family or in this society that you and your husband are financially in over your heads and and working these jobs to make ends meet and are ridiculously ungrateful to your uber supportive family - they even provide FREE childcare....for you to keep your current home and lifestyle.

I hope never, never, never to have such a self-centered DIL that she would not honor me with some tad token of love and appreciation on Mother's day after watching her children, free for 4 days a week. I would be sick to my stomach in such a situation to you say 'time just got away from us.'

I hope one day you will repay your MIL for her time and love and investment and all that she does for you for free. You can start now with contributing to these group family gifts, way less $$ and honestly, time won't get away from you in this scenario. And if it truly is that much of a stretch for you, then by all means, do something meaningful for just her. She deserves it IMHO.

MIL is not obligated to watch your 18 month old even though "She doesn't have a job nor have I ever seen her have a job outside the home in the last 10 years." When my mom watched my child I was incredibly grateful. Since I'm an adult I no longer expect my parents to "sponsor" me, although they often do. I showed my appreciation by doing chores mom doesn't like, running errands and so on. These tasks don't put a dent in the budget but show appreciation. Please start showing your MIL some respect and appreciation. Arrange a ladies tea in her honor at your home (tea, desserts, lemonade don't have to be expensive and you can ask others to pitch in), do chores around her home and brag to others about how well she takes care of your children.

Tell BIL/SIL you can't chip in for BBQ grill because of financial situation but offer to put in homemade gift certificate for grilling (as in you and your hubby grill food @ whatever event MIL likes). Can't do family portrait contribution? Okay, can you offer to hang the portrait for MIL? If you don't have the money then put in the time to show appreciation for all the child care provided. You have the peace of mind of knowing your children are with a family member who loves them instead of a daycare where quality of care greatly varies.

Also, I constantly hear people with financial struggles complain that they're excluded from activities, present purchases etc. They often say they want to be included and make the decision themselves to participate or not. So maybe your in laws are trying to make you feel "normal" and included by asking for contributions. Maybe they're treating you as equals instead of the *poor* relatives in need of a hand out.

I agree with Regina that caring for your kids is a lot of work, and should be appreciated with at least a home made card and some cookies, or something else affordable. It is about the recognition, not the cost. Sounds like you did not do anything to thank her. Everyone wants to be appreciated. Our family all lives far away, and grandparents are not physically able to care for grandkids, so consider yourself lucky. I know you are in a tough spot, and this situation is not easy for you, but she is doing you a huge favor with free daycare. The other choice is to sell the house, take the hit, move into an apartment and you stay home to watch them and live on what you actually can afford at this point. The economy is terrible, housing market is terrible, so if she is helping you ride this out, you should show her some appreciation. You can say no to grills and portraits, but make her SOME thing.

I don't think you will like my answer, but I think you maybe need to realize how blessed and fortunate you are to have family helping you out. I do understand what it is like to have money problems, but maybe homemade cards, coupons from the kids (this coupon good for 20 hugs), etc... would have been a nice gesture for Mother's Day.
Is there a way to sell anything and/or have a garage sale to make a little extra cash for gifts? I think trying to keep the peace would be well worth it as you don't want to lose their help.
Sorry if my answer is not what you wanted to hear.
R. :(

Okay, yes, it's not right for people to beg for gifts... however I can see her wanting for her entire family to get together for a family portrait and hoping that everyone will chip in.

Mother's Day and Father's Day gifts should never be assumed and you're not obligated to give any or get any. Not you and not her, not your husband and not your father-in-law.

As for attitudes, I don't think anyone in this situation is winning any contests. What does she have to be ungrateful for? That you're ALLOWING her in your great benevolence and kindness to babysit and perform a serious job service for you without you paying her a dime in return? and on top of it YOU are not grateful to HER for it? It sounds like she does an awful lot for you yet she's not being shown appreciation so she's trying to force the issue a bit.

So there's my answer. Neither of you is right, but both of you are wrong.

I understand both sides here. I think maybe your MIL is feeling more unappreciated than ungrateful. I think she probably understands that you can actually buy her anything but she's doing you a major service, for free! So I probably would have had my kids make her something or spent a few dollars on a small bouquet from the grocery store or something to let her know how much you appreciate her. You could even write her a thank you note as her "present". I'm sure you tell her thanks, etc., but sometimes people just want to be acknowledged, especially on a "special" day. If you can't afford to chip in for the other presents, then don't. But even saving up a small amount like $10 each is probably feasible and it would mean a lot to both your MIL and FIL and probably your brothers and sisters in law that you're trying to participate.

Because she is baby sitting for free I suggest that you find a way to pitch in on the gifts. What you pitch in now is really a whole lot less than you'd actually pay her if she were a stranger babysitting.

And stop comparing what your parents do with what she does. Each is doing what they're able to do. There is no way to accurately make a comparison.

I suggest that she is feeling hurt and unappreciated. I would bend over backwards to show my appreciation in any way possible. I suggest that you follow Pam R.'s advice and do these small things for her throughout the year.

For now, I suggest you pitch in on the gifts, apologize to her for not showing your appreciation in a way she could understand and begin praising her whenever there's a legitimate opportunity to do so. Don't be fake.

I've not read them but there are a few books out entitled The Five Love Languages. I suggest that you're not speaking her love language. Forgive yourself and forgive her. Communication hasn't been good. Apologize and start over. First find a way to let go of your anger. You can be in control of your own feelings.

Later: It is a pleasure to watch my grandchildren. I'm no longer babysitting and I tell you it's even more of a pleasure to have them for a few hours every week. I have each one overnight one night/week and do enjoy it. My daughter doesn't need me to do this and I don't expect any gifts but she and my son-inlaw still thank me profusely, invite me to dinner often, and give me gifts on Mother's Day, Christmas, and my birthday.

I'm surprised a mom doesn't recognize how much hard work, both physical and emotional, it is to take care of a toddler for several hours, 4 days/week. I've done that. It's not much fun. It is not a privilege. It's a gift to my daughter and her children. It's being a mother at a senior age with less energy and strength. It's having responsibility for young lives without any power to go along with it. The parents make the important decisions that form the child's behavior. It's not spending time with friends or traveling. It's unpaid labor.

I'm only hearing your side and because of the way you word your complaint I tend to take your mil's side. She's ungrateful? Ungrateful for what? That you came to her house for dinner? It's her day. Why should she have to fix dinner for her son? You brought dessert. That's good manners and nothing special for Mother's Day. And...she has time to watch your children but you don't have time to make a homemade card with the help of your children. (It takes maybe 30 minutes.) Although I don't agree with making hints, I can understand why she does it. When I don't get what I want/need, I don't hint. I come right out and say, "I would like for you to take me out to dinner." I've learned that much of the time the only way we get what we want is to ask for it.

You didn't do what she expected and she's telling you about it. Perhaps in a cranky way but at least she's being honest with you and giving you an opportunity to please her. And you get mad and argue with her. I suggest she is not asking for a gift. She is asking to be recognized in some way, a gift is one way to do that and you didn't think of it on your own.

I want to say that it does sound like she may be demanding and it's quite possible that she's unreasonable at this point. I would still like you to look at it from her viewpoint. She is giving you a valuable gift and because you do not sound like you appreciate it, I suspect she feels unappreciated. I would expect you to go out of your way to find a way to make her feel appreciated even if she's a complainer or perhaps because she's a complainer, like you. I suspect the reason you don't get along is that your personalities are similar. That is what psychological studies, done over the years, have shown.

We get most upset at people who are similar to us, who do things we don't want to acknowledge that we also do. She feels unappreciated and deals with it with anger. You feel criticized and deal with it with anger. Anger never solves a problem. Only compassion. And each one of us is responsible for how we deal with problems. If we wait for the other person to forgive first it's rare that anyone forgives and the hurt feelings continue to build on both sides. Be the bigger person and try to understand and show compassion for the person who is providing big time for you. As you said, if she doesn't you lose your house. That's a whole lot to be thankful for but you didn't make a point of doing something special for her. And......you expected/allowed her to make dinner for your husband. That does not make it a special day for her.

I disagree with her making hints, telling others to remind you guys to get her a gift and yelling at your husband, buuuut I think you guys should at least have made sure to get her a card and some flowers. Those things don't cost much and even if she wouldn't normally work outside the home that doesn't mean all she has to do in life is babysit her grandchildren. I hope things get smoothed out. Best wishes.

I think what your mother-in-law is doing is wonderfully generous and you really needed to make it a priority that she feels appreciated. This doesn't nec mean spending money on her but doing something super nice for her would have worked just as well (have her over for dinner, plan a picnic). I think you need to put yourself in her shoes. I'd be hurt too.

My Mother has always told me... she doesn't need a present bought with money - she'd always be happy with a card or project I made. That may be because I'm very artistically talented, but I feel she'd act this way even if I hadn't been. Even as an adult, she asks me to make her something and to help my daughter make her something.

Appreciation does not have to be shown by money... you can promise to cook a meal a week for a month, or take her out for some bonding time, make her a frame and put the family picture in it... I don't think it's the money towards a gift part that she is trying to communicate, but the fact that she wasn't honored at all - especially with all she does for you and your family.

I'm not sure what she's being ungrateful for either... That you ALLOW her to watch your son? I have to say when I'm retired, I want to relax a bit. I'm amazed you seem to think she's the ungrateful one. You bought your house 6 years ago and now it's underwater. That sucks but doesn't actually affect your monthly bills so you must have bought a house you couldn't afford to begin with. And I see from other posts that you're considering another baby!!! Won't that cost more money you supposedly don't have? And you had to take a "staycation" and spend money on things locally. I guess you had the money for that. So yeah, maybe your MIL thinks you can spare $20 for given she's saving you thousands and thousands. You think going by her house after dinner and bringing a cake is showing appreciation? That's the bare minimum even if she wasn't working for you UNPAID. "Get her way"? How is any of this HER way? She probably wanted to enjoy her old age and instead she's bailing you guys out and you think SHE'S unappreciative. Wow. Maybe she didn't work in the past 10 years but likely she didn't have her inlaws and her parents partially supporting her as an adult. She was responsible I assume. It seems like you've got an amazing deal and she just wants a little something in return. I don't know if I've ever read a post like this. I feel so sorry for your MIL. Maybe there's something more to the story. If not, you need to rethink your sense of entitlement and do something for her now and on an ongoing basis.

She's not rude or ungrateful... its ok to feel unappreciated sometime.... Obviously she's understanding of yall situation cuz she's watching your child for free but a little acknowledgement or a small token of appreciation in necessary every now and then and it doesnt have to be monetary... use your imagination and involve your children.. be thoughtful and kind cuz all of your parents are very understanding and supportive and they don't have to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is she upset that there wasn't a gift PURCHASED or did you not acknowledge the day for her at all? If the latter, I can see why she's a bit upset. It would have been a good time to show her you appreciate that she's helping you guys. Cookies, a nice meal, homemade cards etc. Or did she want you to buy something?

I can identify with your situation because we rent from my dad and he helps with expenses too. It is really easy to start forgeting what a great gift their assistance is especially when it when there are requests for money you do not feel you have. I have to stop and think every now and again about where I am spending my money and if it is really the most ethical and useful place to put it. If I shopped at the thift store instead of Khol's could afford an extra $20 toward Mother's Day?
I think your MIL is jusified in feeling unappreciated, but i not approaching the issue correctly. Becareful how you judge her actions though because that opens the door for her to judge yours.
There are plenty of ways to show appreciation without having to spend extra money.
-Write her a letter telling her how wonderful she is and how much you appreciate what they do for you.
-Stop by some day with a $5 bouquet and an honest hug.
-My dad loves to spend time with his family, so thing greatest gift I can give him as a thank you is to make him dinner and watch a video with him.

As for a family portrait... keep an eye on Groupon. I saw a professional family protrait package originally priced at $800 on a limited time sale for $29.

I would just try to find some extra money to pitch in for the gas grill and the family pics and try to keep the peace. It really isn't worth fighting about, especially since they are watching your kids and paying some of your bills. Cut back and pay the money towards the gifts and maybe the same thing for mother's day. good luck.

I understand what you mean. You do appreciate everyone who helps you but you just do not have extra money to buy gifts. I understand. When I was a single mom I used to take photo of my children and buy a cheap frame and give them as gifts. I still do to this day. Sometimes I make a dessert to go withe the photo. Even a small potted flower plant, these can be very inexpensive to give. Buy some seeds and plant them to give to your MIL , when they start to grow you will have a nice gift. I have made bracelets with beads. My gifts were always received well because they are from my heart. I wish you luck!

HELLO!! It should be a pleasure for her to look after your kids, they are her grand kids too for goodness sake. And she should enjoy watching your kids FOR FREE. (Frankly, if she expected money to watch her own grand kids I would be a tad pissed off) And NOT throw hints to anyone about any gifts.. gifts are exactly what they are.. GIFTS.. you cannot demand gifts, nor expect to always get them.

It is up to you if you want to give a gift. She is not YOUR mother, plus I am sure the kids won't mind making her something "from the whole family". It does not have to cost anything.

I don't understand people these days... Gifts are meant to be given as a token of love/appreciation, not because you HAVE to.

I think the family clearly miss understand when you say you don't have money. Why are they even asking you to pitch in?

Get the kids to make her something. Tell the family to "get stuffed". If you don't have money, you just don't have it. period

she just wants to feel appreciated. Invite her over for tea and get the kids to perform something for her. The kids will love it and so will she (I hope)

I'm a little confused but I think what you are trying to get across is the fact that your mother-in-law "expects" a gift for every occassion and at that is has to be bought? correct?
I understand the finances because honey we have been there-still are sort of there but we are making way. You really need to check out Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. We couldn't afford the university's so I went to my local library and found his book and read it. I don't agree with everything he says but he has a lot of good pointers and of course everyone's situation is different and needs to be tweeked to that.
That being said I have always said it's the thought that counts right? Well I have found this NOT to be true and tends to be more so with family!!! In turn it makes you feel like total poop! I think what you are upset about is the fact you can't afford anything bought, and she knows that however she still ask.
On the other side to this .....I can see how your mother-in-law would feel taken advantage of. You should have time managed more carefully to ensure the kids made something for her to show the appreciation but it sounds like this has really boiled over and there is some resentment and anger going on which in turn isn't going to make you feel like its a priority on your part to show your appreciation for her. You need to think about if you lost that free child care yesterday and you need to tell her how much you appreciate it and how it helps keep a roof over ya'll's head. Now if she is wanting or asking for store-bought stuff to show appreciation then she has it all wrong and you both are in the wrong......she should appreciate the act of you showing her how much you appreciate her even if it's a card with something heartfelt written in it. As the saying goes.....do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Sometimes when we show that negativity then it just spirals from there. I didn't mean any of this in a harsh way because I know how crazy it gets with kids but when it is a priority on my part and I think for most humans -the task will get done. What constitutes a priority on your part doesn't always constitute another person's priority though but I can see both sides to this. She is family and she is child care provider as well so as best as you can put the resentment behind and swallow your anger and show her appreciation in the form of something home-made....if she can't appreciate that then she is the one with the bigger issue. She already know ya'll struggle financially...work on that issue as much as you possibly can because as long as you financially stressed you have less choices. If you had the extra funds and you were having issues with her at least you would have that option to seek childcare elsewhere-know what I'm getting at? I know it's hard-especially when you have little ones but try to get out of that financial bind as hard as you can. Get that book of Dave Ramsey's if your local library doesn't have it check around or at the very least check out his website.......

Who "demands" gifts?
That's nuts.
For God's sake, your parents are paying your car insurance AND pre-school! Guess what? That means you have NO money for gifts.
Get them a card, not a grill OR a portrait.

Trite but true: A gift is a gift. It IS the thought that counts.

At MOST, do the portrait and, guess what? It can be the Mother's Day, the Father's Day AND the anniversary gift.

she sounds selfish. However, regardless of whether you see her work or not she is watching her grandchildren on a regular basis all day...As per below a card even a homemade one printed via the computer or a handmade one and flowers and wine (if she drinks it or could be coffee, tea) would be real nice and inexpensive to show apprecation.

She is helping you out. As far as bickering you and your DH have to be a united front. I would talk with him on ways that will keep you aligned. His mother does not have a right to unload on him. He needs to support you and stand up for both of you with her.

How much are they asking for the frame and grill? If you can afford $10 or $20 tell your SIL that's it. If she doesn't find it acceptable too bad. Otherwise, don't contribute and stick to the above suggestion and be sure FIL gets a card. :)

Your mother in law is selfish and rude. Tell her how you feel and let the chips fall where they may. See if you can get a childcare grant from your county or state.

To tell you the truth, in your position, I would rather lose my house and need to live in a tiny apartment than be controlled by a selfish b**ch like her!

Demanding gifts is low class and telling your friends to remind you to buy her a gift is insane.

Hi, Michele:

I understand your delimma.
So what is the first priority issue?

Did you and your husband sit down with M and FIL to discuss
agreements about child care? Like written agreement?

Were you all a part of the decision making process on purchases of
grill and portrait? Like in a family circle?

Why are you discussing things with your sil?

Why are you ordering a tree? Did she ask for it?

Now you are saying time got away from you on the cake?
Something isn't ringing true.

I am sensing a trust issue under lying your problem? Are you keeping your word? If your word is not kept, trust becomes a foundational issue and is a source of all other problems.

Maybe you need to look at whether or not you are doing what you say you are going to do!

Just a thought.
D.

Is there a low or no-cost gift you could do for her/FIL? Have the kids draw cards at least.