"You Owe Us..."

I'm with ya, lol. But usually the phone call goes like this "hey, we are gonna get grandpa _____ and it cost ____ so how much do you wanna chip in?" Really..... What if I don't wanna get him that?
When that happens with us, we usually say "oh, we already got him ___"

I don't like that, either. I think if you go in for a group gift, you take a collection FIRST and then buy what you can afford to buy with the collection, not buy first and collect later.

When I was working a minimum wage job to put myself through college(plus loans and scholarships), a relative demanded I put $40 towards a washing machine. Hello. I don't have $40 to my name. I had $5 and literally that was it until payday. Even on payday, my job paid for rent, food, tithe, and a bus pass only. Seriously, I accepted donated clothes, shoes, etc... There was NO way and frankly 3 givers made over $100,000 so they could have paid my way. At 20, I was not as subtle as I am now. I let him have it! He never asked me again. LOL

If someone decided to get a group gift, they would have to consult with me first if they expected me to pitch in. End of story, today. Years ago, I was a bigger pushover.

I'd tell the arranger, "Sorry, I don't owe you. I can see that you expected this gift to include me and would like me to pay. And you didn't ask me first. No, that that will not work for me."

This is a calm, powerful, but polite approach. It allows you to acknowledge the other person's expectation respectfully, without getting sucked in. Avoid making excuses or becoming apologetic. You don't need them, and they will just weaken your position. It really does not matter whether you had other plans, enough money, or just don't want to be part of that gift. Tell the arranger in a friendly, relaxed voice that her expectations will not work for you.

I'm with Jim At Home Dad on this one. My sister in law is famous for doing this. She told my husband (her brother) one time that she bought her daughter a camera for Christmas, from us. So my husband asks her how much this camera was - keep in mind that his niece was 11 at the time, and we've seen her probably 3 times in her entire life because they live on another continent. Anyway, his sister said, "I got her a really nice one. It was $450."

You can imagine my husband's reaction to that!

Ever since then, we say, "Oh, I wish you'd asked earlier. We just bought her a _____________." (gift card to iTunes, or Starbucks, or wherever)

You dont have to buy in.

You are probably not the only member who dislikes this. I don't know what kind of organization this is and what the ramifications are for bowing out, but you shouldn't be spending money you can't afford for something like this.

Sometimes you have to let the chips fall where they may. (Hopefully on the person who made the decision to do this without asking!)

Dawn

Yup. I tell people up front what I am willing to chip in when a group gift is considered. I personally try to do gifts on our own to avoid more family drama.

Good luck and best wishes!!

Only had to deal with this once. While we DO do joint gifts in my family, they're ALWAYS discussed ahead of time / thrashed out. No one just buys something and expects other people to chip in. It's more of a "Hey! Ian! I'm thinking of getting Mom & Dad Cirque tickets for xmas. They're about $400. Is that something you and Michelle might want to get in on?"

The time I had to deal with it for my husband's work was several years, we didn't eat for a week in order to cover our "share". I was furious. And by not eat... I MEAN that. It was our entire grocery budget for the week. We'd already paid all of our bills and so couldn't just go late, the quarter wouldn't be starting (aka financial aid distribution wouldn't happen until the quarter started) in a few more weeks. My son ate oatmeal 3x a day, I ate nothing, and my husband ate at the free snack machines. I actually went in and gave HR a piece of my mind over that one. Since most of the people in my husband's office cleared a couple hundred k a year, it didn't even cross her mind that the $50 contribution might actually HURT some people. But it hurt two families that *I* knew about (mine and one other). HR just pulled the $50 from everyone's checks.

I had that happen at a job I was working at and I had zero money and when they said the gift was XXX and your part was XXX I had to say sorry, I didn't know and I don't have any money. They tried to tell me I could owe it to one of them and pay them later, I said no thank you, I can't, I don't have any money to do that. They finally got the message and I never got "billed" again.

I refuse to participate in things like that. They can say I owe them whatever but when you never consulted me about the total price for the item you don't get to spend my money. I don't even make a big deal out of it. I just tell them I don't have that kind of money and had I known in advance I would have let you know that was out of my price range. I might consider contributing a much smaller amount than asked but in most cases like this I contribute nothing.

bothers me as well. In my opinion, if they bought a gift of their own accord, did not consult or okay it with you ahead of time then they are the ones responsible for the cost of the gift. There is no "you owe me" when THEY are the ones who decided to purchase a gift and did not okay price or the idea ahead of time. I say it is their problem, not yours!! I do not like when people do that and when they do I just calmly explain that it is a gift from them only seeing as I was not consultated beforehand and that they alone are going to have to foot the bill. I'm with you on this!

In my experience contributing has always been voluntary. If I don't want to or am not able to contribute I just say I'm not able to. At times I've contributed a dollar saying that's all that I have available at this time. No need to let it upset you. It just is what it is. You have a choice.

If the gift is for someone you want to honor, give them a card instead. If you don't even want to be involved don't do anything. There's no reason to feel guilty or angry.

This way of gifting is common in organizations. It's more or less a tradition so you know ahead of time that it's going to happen. You can opt out anywhere along the line. But consider that if this is a group of people with whom you closely work opting out can be seen as being not one of the group. You have to decide if being a part of the group is worth contributing to the gift. There really is no reason to be angry about it. The decision is yours all along.

How you opt out is important. I've seen people say frankly that they cannot afford that amount and the group does not criticize the person. One has to be gracious when they opt out for it to work in their favor. Anger gets in the way of doing that.

So why not let yourself be in control of your decision, opt out graciously, and not get upset?

I hate that! Years ago I had a boss who pulled that pretty regularly, and since he was the boss, you really didn't get to say no. And we all suspected that he didn't pitch in- he just took credit.

I make it clear to people I have no interest, if I want to get something for someone I will do it myself. So my signature wont be on the card boo-freakin whooo. I would give if it it was for a gift card for someone in need but just a gift nope count me out. If they did not ask for your input or inadvance if you wanted to partake I would not pay up. gl

i don't do group gifts or chip-ins. i find that rude and totally unnecessary. if i am going to get someone a gift, i will, not be told i have to and how much i owe.

I would tell the next person that does that to you, if I'm going in a gift than I want some input as to budget and gift selection.

That only happens to me at work and I'm totally ok with it. We pool our money to buy a group gift for the boss. This way I only have to put in $20 and am not personally responsible if the gift sucks. We did talk about pooling our money to buy parents a cruise this year, but once we looked at the cost and what it would be, per person, we agreed it was too much. We did consult each other.

I dealt with this several times at my last job. We were always being pressured to do joint gifts for coworkers' birthdays, baby showers....I even had to participate for joint Christmas gifts for both my boss AND the admin assistant. Basically it was two very pushy women behind it all. They would send emails saying "We are planning on getting such and such, each share will only be $x. Please bring in your money by the end of the week." I was at the bottom of the totem pole in this company making a very modest starting salary; these other women were at the height of their careers making big bucks. I could barely afford to cover all my bills and rent. And the shares for these gifts were always at least 20 bucks, typically more like $40!!! That's a lot of money for someone just starting out. I also didn't like being dictated to re: spending my money and gift giving. If you want to buy a lavish gift, good for you. But don't try to rope everyone else into it as well.

At my current job we are often solicited for donations toward joint gifts but it is MUCH more subtle. We get ONE email saying "IF you want to participate, any amount is fine, please bring it by by X date." And it is never mentioned again. That is fine with me.

I have the opposite problem. The past 2 years, the moms on my daughter's dance team went in together on a gift for the mom who "coaches." I was never asked. Kind of stewing about it....

But I agree -- you should be consulted first & there should not be a set amount. On a group gift, I would only be able to afford just so much.

Yes, that would make me angry too, if someone made decisions about my finances and budget, and just assumed that it would be no problem. I'd say to head this off beforehand by asking if there's going to be gifts that will be chipped in for, and let them know what you can afford, or that your finances simply don't allow it.
Not for the holidays, but once at work, a collection was taken up to send flowers when a coworker's husband's grandma died. The amount they were asking of each person in our group was equal to what I'd send my niece or nephews for their birthday. I resented that anyone assumed I had that amount of disposable spending money just hanging around in my wallet, not earmarked for something, on any given week.

It depends, if someone, say the office, decided to give a community gift and just assumed I would be in then yeah it would tweak my melons.

On the other hand if I say I will go in on a gift I assume, and am usually not disappointed, that it is a reasonable gift. That doesn't bother me at all. Generally when I go in we determine a budget based on what we will put in.

Now you want to erk me, make the gift from everyone and let people just pitch in. Nothing gets me going when I put in ten and then ten other people put in one and somehow they sign the card first and write bigger. Not that this is rational on my part but it is what it is, ya know?

I don't like that either. My husband's siblings and families were going to all chip in for something for Christmas one year for his parents and since we were in town, we were going to pick it up. No one ended up paying even though it was from everyone. They kept apologizing and promising to send the money but never did. OOPS! For my daughter's 16th we said if you want to pitch in for a big gift we were giving, then pitch in whatever amount you want etc. Then we had everyone who pitched in sign the card. We didn't say they had to or what amount was needed.... it worked. But it was a special occasion.

One year, as assistant manager I collected money for a joint gift for the store manager because she'd had a very rough Christmas season. She was working 80 hour weeks, covering three stores, and planned the store holiday party. I requested only what people felt they could afford, and if they couldn't afford it their name would still go on the group card. Everyone gave a different amount, but I didn't decide on a gift until I had all of the money gathered. I also narrowed the gift ideas down and then we did a majority vote.

Apart from that, I don't do group gifts for the very reasons mentioned. Most people don't know how to handle them without stepping on toes.

Eek! Don't let that happen! I've rarely been in that position (maybe never) and I would NOT like it. The nearest I can come is the rare group dinner that goes awry and somehow you're left "owing" $100 even if you just had a salad and no drink. Now I'm like, "Separate checks please!"

I don't "owe" anything that I did not consent to especially when you come to me at the last minute - sorry. Let them learn that not everybody is into doing a group gift.

So put your foot down and say, "Oh I am so sorry but we just can't do x y or z as we have already bought our gift."

Good luck.

The other S.

I don't mind a joint gift as long as...
I know how much the gift will be and I'm given the option to particpate.

If someone tells me "you owe", I say I'm sorry, but I'm purchasing a gift on my own, and yes I've been "outted" for doing so. However, I really don't care.

I'm only cool with joint gifts if it's very pricey and we've all discussed it ahead of time. I would N E V E R presume to buy something and then decide someone else can go in "halve-sies" with us. No! But occasionally we'll all chip in together and buy something awesome from all of us, but it's after discussing and both (or all 3) parties agreeing to the idea and the price. Most commonly, this would be funeral arrangements. They're SO expensive for really nice ones, so me, my brother, and my mom chip in for a really big, really nice spray instead of 3 little crappy ones.

The conversation amongst my friends or very close friends (friends = a baby gift that they actually really need but noone has the money to actually purchase it alone, like a bed or travel system)....it'd be something like "We were thinking about possibly getting ___ but the price is ___. Have you already gotten something, or would you be willing to split the cost with us? If __ of us go in together, the price would be __". I wouldn't like it at all if someone pressured me or expected me to just shell out, but if it was presented like that, I wouldn't mind them asking. Then it's just my decision.

Mom's coworkers pool together and each person chips in about $10-15 to buy one cool gift for the boss, and then after the designated "shopper" (same chick every year) makes a couple suggestions that fit that price, everyone agrees to which one and that's that. (Generally, noone really cares too much as long as it's something outdoorsy or a food thing, because that's what the boss is into). It has its place, but yeah---you don't let yourself get railroaded into doing something you don't like or can't afford.

Yes. My step-sister did the same thing to me recently and in the end I didn't pay. I'm going through a divorce not receiving any child support and struggling. She is a rich trophy wife. She didn't ask for input, bought a very expensive gift and I had had it. I never said a word. I got my own, practical gift and I don't feel bad. If we had had a conversation on what we were buying and how much we would spend and agreed I would be wrong. But we didn't.

Joint gifts are fine if there is a plan of action and an agreement between all those involved what it will/should be and how much. Nothing would upset me more than if I thought I'd be pitching in $15-$25 and then someone turns around and says you owe $40 or $50 etc....

Just like one of the posts said to...Unless I know in advance about splitting a dinner bill I don't like those events either. It always seems like someone gets stuck paying more because so and so got that extra drink...or a more expensive entree.

I also hate it, but if I know an event is coming, I'll let the "planner-types" know ahead of time that I'd prefer to give my own gift if the shares are above X amount. The other thing that makes me crazy is when you go out with a group of friends for dinner and they all split the check evenly despite the amount of drinks, etc... that everyone ordered!

Yup, I agree. I never liked it with work or family or anyone! I don't mind a voluntary gift exchange with a set low amount.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

You just need to speak up when this comes up.

I didn't read all the answers, but it sounds eerily similar to . . . "Let's just split the check evenly!" What?! So now I either speak up, or don't go on group restaurant outings. Same thing with gifts. I either speak up, or I don't pitch in!! Best of luck! :o)

Oh, this makes me cringe! This happened to my husband, he was asked to give $20 to some stupid birthday present for his boss, he willingly gave it that day, even though we couldn't afford it. My husband got laid off the VERY next day... right after the girl presented the boss with this hideous desk globe for his birthday.

Yes. I was just told that my sister inlaw is making dinner for christmas and do we want to come at mother inlaws

We don't like doing the joint gifts either. We have done them a few time for my MIL. Always last minute, once never received money from either BIL. Last time we were planning a BIG gift way ahead of time. We discussed what we were trying to get, got a good estimate on cost, gave them a deadline of when I needed how much. They missed that deadline, I told them we were getting something else and those two could do their own thing (I couldn't afford to put all the money out and not get paid back and it was a special order so we were out of time to get it ordered).

We have done it w/ my dad's birthday gifts but my sister talked to all of us about what she wanted to get and asked if we wanted to go in. We all said yes, chipped in except one. She assured us multiple time she was going to pay my other sister...never did. If she had just said no up front, we all would have chipped in a higher amount (or had to option to say no).

I did it w/ my ex for my son's 16th birthday....still waiting on the money (did get some of it more than a year later). I found something he wanted, asked if his dad wanted to go in on it (didn't want him to feel like he was excluded since it involved his first car), was told yes, they accepted credit at the party, and still haven't paid much.

I do have issue being told I HAVE to contribute a set amount for a gift I had no say in especially if I can't afford it.

oh yes! Indeed ! I can't tell you how many times my husband has had to chip in for a big gift for his family, and ends up with the bigger amount. It's terrible! He has 4 siblings, however, him being the oldest is always made to pay more for things. We aren't very materialistic, and always try to save money. However, christmas time is once a year, and we do like to buy nice things for everyone. However, sometimes, we are asked to pitch in money for this item, etc. Which definetly cuts into our budget!