Mother-in-law Advice

I have been with my husband for a long time, 11 years, and when we first met I got along so well with his mother. She would tell me how good I was for him. Then all of a sudden, she did not like me. It came out of nowhere. At first I tried to smooth it over but it became apparent to me that this would not work. She was very disrespectful to me and would go out of her way to leave me out all of the family things, yet she was smart enough to always do it in a way that did not "look" offensive. When I said something, this of course made me look like I was the over reactor. When I would complain to him, it onlt put him in the middle of things. He would always say, "oh she didn't mean it like that". It really was a no win. Eventually, I decided that all I could do was be married to the man I married and let the rest be. You can not change what other people control. My advice to you is to #1 ask yourself if things can be decent with your mother in law. If they can then do it, but do not be her stepping stone. #2 Be honest with your husband. He love you just like he loves her. She has a place as his mom but you have yours as his wife. and #3 Learn that you have to live your life for your child, you, and your husband, not his family. You are only responsible for making sure you have happiness inside of your life. Your home and your marriage should be your safe haven.

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HI,
My hubby was military too and he got out two years ago and we moved close to his family. I am lucky because his family is pretty cool. But it still can be stressful because we were so used to just having our little family. I would definately talk to him because I think it will only cause problems later. Its a big adjustment when you get out of military so the less problems the better. I hope you figure it all out. Good luck and god bless. Hope hubby has safe return!

I know how you feel, the bad thing is i didn't know my mother in law in person when i moved with my husband. We don't get along very well also. I would just say to him " Honey, do you think we could find something 2-3 hours away, so we can have a fresh start with just the 2 of us" something like that might work. Or you can look online at houses or whatever and find something 2-3 hours away and hope he like it..lol..I do wish you the best and hope it works out for you. I know how bad it sucks to not get along with your mother in law. I have been dealing with mine for almost 9 years now.. lol. Best Luck!!

My husband's mother lives in PA. We live in NE about 15 minutes from my mother. I know that they don't adore each other but they don't get into fights either. I think the important part is that you keep your family your own. Sometimes living so close you start seeing each other way too much and that is when problems happen.

If you are moving from Nebraska to Washington you might want to think about house prices and such. It is very expensive to live on the coasts.

You can always choose to live halfway in between each one. Just explain that you'd prefer not to live too close to his mother or even say that you need to establish your own family, home, traditions, etc. "Your mom and I have a good relationship, I'd hate for that to be strained because we lived down the street. I've heard a lot of stories of mothers interferring in their children's lives and the raising of their grandkids. If we lived a few hours away we could still make weekend visits once a month or it wouldn't be that long of a drive for her to visit either."

I like my mother-in-law but can't stand the fast pace of the coast. Everyone is in such a hurry they can't even talk! We went for vacation one year and they had a family BBQ so everyone could see us. No one arrived until the last minute and as soon as they ate they left. Even driving on the road you get the feeling that no one has time for anything. Oh and their tell it like it is without any sugar coating is annoying too. Like I said I like my mother-in-law but living so close...I may not.

I hope your husband stays safe and returns safely. How hard that must be to have a baby while he's gone..

to your question..
i'm surprised this hasn't been talked about yet in your relationship (your feelings about his mom)
do you know what he does want? next door or a few hours away? does he know what job he wants to get after he gets home?
maybe an available job will dictate more where you move to than anything else.(?)
i think you should be very honest with him about your feelings.
if you don't, then i'm afraid(from experience) you will feel resentful later and/or mad at yourself for not saying anything and just 'dealing'.. but not really 'dealing'..lol
honesty is always the best. tactful honesty..lol
has to be hard to try to talk to him about this while he's gone or once he's home to know how he will be personality wise once he gets home. what they go thru over there,, has to be very tough on them. and also the transition back home..plus he's coming home to a new baby.. just a lot of transitions.. maybe moving right away wouldn't be the best..
i think living in the middle of both families is a good complromise if a job is available in that area.
Good luck!
i really applaud your husband for his efforts over there and you for being so strong while raising a new baby on your own.
T.

Be honest with your husband! Tell him your reservations about being close to his family and see what he may offer as a compromise. The last thing you want is to be put into a living situation where you are not happy and don't have a good support system around you.

Good luck!

I have the same problem with my grandmother in law. She and I are like oil and water. I don't agree with the way she raised her grandkids and well, I won't go into all of it. Anyway, she lives only an hour and a half away. When we go to that town, my husband is the one to visit her. I stay with my MIL who isn't related to my husband. His real mom died but his step mom is really great. It has to have been really hard to have your husband away and I hope he stays safe. My sister's hubby is going to be deployed soon and she's not looking forward to being alone. Good Luck.

First off- I hope your husband returns safely!! He is doing a great thing to serve our country and for that I Thank him!!

I think that you are honest with him and tell him that you miss your family as much as he does. Do some research on places and the kind of job that he can get. Then when he is back he can look at all the options.

Hi F.,
First off, I applaud your husband and his efforts in Iraq.
As for the MIL issue...when I met my first husband's mother, she seemed nice enough, but nosey. When my husband presented me with my engagement ring, her comment "Its so small." After we married and lived 9 miles from the in-laws and 2 miles from my dad...things got no better. It also didn't help that my husband worked for his dad in the commercial painting business. So he saw them EVERYDAY. Obviously they knew how much money we had, as it was THEM who paid us. Nothing was private. Then we had kids...the phone calls from the MIL came daily for almost 2 months...yes, I realize it was their first grandchild, but give me a break. If I ventured into their town for ANYTHING, and didn't stop at her house, I'd get the chewing out of a lifetime. Ok...husband and I divorced and the in-laws have both passed away.
Now to current husband...his mother is the world's WORST person. She is far nosier than my former MIL. They have money and constantly shove it down our throats. We live 2 1/2 hours from them, but just hearing her voice on the phone makes my skin crawl. She thinks they have the BEST of everything and NOTHING no one has is near good enough for her. I am a second wife and came into the family with 2 kids of my own...which they have NEVER acknowledged on their own. We have to constantly remind them that they have 2 step-granddaughters. I could live on the west coast and her on the east coast and it would still be TOOOO close!
In your situation, I agree with the gal who wrote about moving 1/2 way between the parents. Maybe there are some good MIL's out there, but from my own experience, I've not dealt with any.
Be honest with your husband. Keep YOUR family YOUR family. Coming home from Iraq is going to be a struggle for him to readjust to everything civilian, he doesn't need the in-law troubles, too.
I wish you well.

Just before my husband left for his 2nd deployment we moved from o-side back to his home in Iowa. I hate it here. My entire family is out west and I have nobody here now. If you don't feel comfortable moving don't do it. I speak from experience. As soon as I am done with school, we are planning on moving back. Not to Cali, but we are looking into Arizona. My husband is a deputy where we live at now and yes, his chances for advancement are higher because it is a smaller town, but he is willing to transfer. Your husband will get to know the area he works/lives no matter where he goes. ANd to be honest, if you are not happy going there, how is your marriage going to be a happy healthy one? That will be one constant fight between the 2 of you. I wish you the best of luck. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask.
A.

Hi F.,
I understand where you are at except that I didn't know much about my inlaws before I moved here. I moved from WA state to Montana so my husband could be closer to his family since he had been in the military for 20 years and away from them. At the time we weren't married and when I would come here for a visit they all seemed so loving. Now that I am here I have spent the last 4 yrs in hell. All I ever hear is bad things from them about their son. I have told my husband how I feel and he says just let it go in one ear and out the other I have for many many years when growing up with them.. I have a problem doing that so I just stay away.

As my mother's health declines I am considering on moving back if he would. At this point though he don't want to.

I would be totally honest with him since you know what your getting into and tell him you don't mind living closer but some where in between so you can be close to your mom too.

Good Luck
L.

hats off to you and your husband for supporting our country. Hope he arrives home safely and soon.

Now I am a bit confused. Is he wanting to move to wash. state because there's a job there already that he wants or is he hoping to move there and then find a job? If you're looking for the job first, then it will dictate the place for the most part. If he is thinking about Wash. state because it's familiar territory, then he needs to remember that you could move back there and not find anything that is suitable because of the area you chose.

You need to talk with him about you feelings toward your MIL. And as hard as it may be, try to step outside of yourself and look at it objectively. Because in the end it may be because it's unfamiliar territory for you. Or maybe a guilt feeling of not wanting to "replace" or like her better than your mom.

In the end she loves her son (hopefully) as your mother loves you. and each mom wants to be near their kids.

I don't know how far apart or where the two live, but think about holidays and travelling to see them. Is flying each time an option or will you need to drive. Could living 1/2 way between be more realistic so you don't have to drive 9 hours to get to one or so that one side is not always having to bear the expense of travelling.

We live in a globablized society that "back in the day" when families stayed around each other, it made it easy for these decisions. However, urban growth has forced us into sacrafice and redefining ourselves and our needs.

Don't let emotions get the best of you. Talk through all the "angles"

I hear your pain. But sometimes living next to your mother-in-law is not as bad as you think it could be. Now if he is wanting to live with her. Well, not the best of ideas. So what is it that you don't enjoy about your mother in law???? Living in WA can be pretty pricey. But well worth the view. I just moved from there to ND of all places and what a shock. What part is your husband wanting to move to? Do you have other options to give him. Will you be working? Or just him? Are there other places that he would be able to get a great job? I don't know that I could tell you where to live but living by your mother can have its perks too. Does your husband support you in front of his mother? Something that I found helps with my mother in law is writing her letters. I only do it when I'm in a good mood and have something nice to tell her. Then I pop it in the mail. It has helped a lot. We both end up having nice feelings. We lived with her for a year and it got pretty ugly. So when we moved out and it was much better. We lived 10 miles and she hardly ever stopped by so it wasn’t so bad. But now that we are far away from all family it’s a little harder. So just a thought some help would be better than no help. Sounds like you and your mother are close and although it’s hard to move away from her I’m sure you will still have a close relationship with her. I wish you the best in your family decision and talk to your husband about how you feel. Make a list and go over it, what are something that you can compromise on and not. Tell him the important ones. Set out some goals and ask him to do the same. This could give you some time to talk about your dreams as a family. And were you want to go with life. I would wait until he gets home to talk about this and it would give you time to do some searching. I'm sure you don't want to spend your only time to talk to him fighting about where to live and such. I hope this as helped some and if you need someone to talk to I would be happy to listen.
J. D.