My name is J. and from the begining i moved in with my husband while he was still living with his mother. at the time we were both young and his father had passed away only a few months before i moved in. Then after we got married she bought a bigger house and asked if we would move in with her because she didn't want to be alone. Well, two kids and 5 years of marriage later we are all still living together , in a two/three bedroom house. by this i mean my 42 year old brother in laws lives in the attic room and pays no bills or offers to help out, we have our bedroom and she has her room. Our daughter sleeps with my MIL because she says she can't sleep by herself. she has made my daughter feel guilty when she would want to sleep in her own bed like saying " ohh, i guess you don't love grandma anymore." i tried to talk nice about it and she says she was only kidding but she didn't see the hurt in her eyes. Now my daughter is 4, not completely potty trained and still sleeps with her. and i have a 20 month old son who sleep in his bed in our room. some days it feels like one big mess. During the day she takes over again. when i tell her i don't want the kids to have soda or alot of snacks she gives it to them anyway. she has even said, to me, that with living with us she feels like she's there mother too. i have tried to let things slide but it's getting out of hand. She is a very oversensative woman, who is 67 by the way, can't remember where she puts things half the time. I feel bad becuase i don't like leaving her with them for long periods of time because she doesn't change them very often or unless they do #2 and feeds the junk food all day. i can't get them to sit down and eat dinner like a normal family beacuse there already full from what she feeds them. i'm constantly depressed and angry. how do i fix thing before they get worse? And how do i make my husband see how this affects me? because we have talked and he says he feels the same way i do but when it come right down to it he chicken out at the last moment. Some days i don't know if i'm coming or going, Please help!!! thanks for listening.
Thanks you to everyone for your input. I greatly appreciate the support. we've been pre-approved it's just finding the right one at this point.
I think that it's time to move out. If you can afford to do it, then maybe you should. I would not be able to live with my inlaws for that long.
If you can't move out, then you need to set some guidelines. She is going to be upset, but you're just going to have to talk with her.
Good Luck!
GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! It has already gotten out of hand, and will only get worse! I know it's hard when it's family, but you have to worry about your family. It took me years, but I have decided that MY family ( the 4 of us, husband and 2 boys) are the ones that I have to answer to. The same goes for you. You have to worry about your 4 first, do what's best for your 4, the worry about others. If your MIL can't see that this is not working, She is only worried about herself and is selfish. She has this mooching BIL to be there for her, you can point that out when you approach the situation with her.
I feel for you, but you need to do what's best for your family, and you are already going in the right direction. You can do it. Your husband understands you, and should step up too.
Good Luck......
You guys need to move out and get your own place. That will eliminate most of your problems you are having. You need to set boundaries for your MIL, which is hard to do while you are living in HER house.
If she is having trouble remembering where she puts things....this could be the first sign of dementia. It's not as bad as it sounds, but it could be leading down the road to Altzhimers. It is something to look into. As far as your daughter sleeping in her bed, not potty trained, your son sleeping in your room and the freeloader upstairs.....you have got to get things under control...put your foot down, they are your kids. I know that it may be hard for your husband, but for the kids sake, you need to do something now.
Good luck....it's going to be a hard road to go down, but one that will be worth it in the end for your kids and your piece of mind.
J., I understand why you & hubby moved in with your MIL in the begining, but it's time to get out on your own! You need to raise your family. Not be your MIL's stepping stone. It's almost time for your daughter to go to school and she should be potty trainned and be able to sleep in her own bed. Your MIL is clinging to your kids, and they are the ones that will be hurt in the long run. Move Move Move! If your BIL lives there you shouldn't feel guilty about moving out...it's not like she's going to be alone! It's time you had your own home! It's never a good idea to live with extened family...I haven't heard it work out well for anyone that has tried it for more than a few months. If moving is not a finanical option then you need to take the bull by the horns and set some real ground rules for your MIL starting today! No if's ands or buts about it. If your hubby is afraid of his mother fine. Be the bad guy...your kids must come first! She'll either get over it or get with the program. If you do the grocery shopping don't buy junk. Tell your MIL you are changing to a new healthy lifestyle and you aren't going to give your kids any junk so it won't be in the house. Set bedtimes so that the children are asleep before the adults go to bed. Look around your house and see if there's a way to squeeze another bedroom someplace so that the kids can share a room with each other instead of an adult. Think outside of the box...look at an unused dinning room or basement (maybe uncle can move down and kids can take the attic?). Good luck and be aware that you will probably be the "bad guy" in this situation, but better that than your kids suffering or divorce court! Best wishes!
J.,
I think you need to seriously consider some family counseling. Maybe check with your clergy person or call your health insurance provider to find one. This is not a normal way to live-- not that "normal" is the be all and end all, but it is clearly affecting your family life. I think you need some professional help to figure out how you all got into this situation and how to resolve it. This is not going to change in a day, but you have GOT to get your kids out of this unhealthy situation. You deserve better than this, and so do your kids.
Dear J.,
Is there any possibility that your family could move out of your MIL's house? That would be the easiest way to establish your rules with your children. Even if you got a two bedroom apartment, your children could have their own space and not have to share a bed with grandmom.
Hope this helps, M.
Hi, my name is D.. I am a SAHM of a beautiful and very active 19 mo old little girl. I live in the same town as my parents and they are very close to my daughter. They try to stay in the boundaries that we've set but don't always. My mother in law died before i ever met my husband and the rest of the in-laws are over 300 miles away so they don't really even talk to us. I know you're thinking how does this relate to my problem. My grandmother (my mom's mom) lived with us for the first 13 yrs of my life. She was a wonderful lady but there were issues b/c she treated my brother and I like children instead of grandchildren. She would try to override my dad when my mom wasn't home. She would comment and tell me when to clean my room. She wasn't always nice to my friends. I often times felt that she favored my younger brother over me. I could not stand my grandma when I was younger. She moved out when my youngest brother was born but a lot of damage was already done by then. It wasn't until college that we were able to repair the relationship and it wasn't until I graduated college that I became close to her and by then she was sick and bedridden. She died the October after I graduated. We had a lot of wasted years and I would change it if I could. If it were me, I would move out if it were economically feasible. Trust me, the kids can feel the tension and it is confusing as a kid when the lines of authority are blurred. Plus, I really resented the fact that I didn't get the normal relationship with my grandmother. I missed out on all the special nights at grandma's and the excitement that a kid has by staying at grandma's and getting away from the parents (no offense to any parents). My grandparent's on my dad's side had both died by the time I was 8 and my mom's dad was no longer with my grandma so we didn't see him much so with grandma living there with us and trying to play the role of a parent, I feel I lost out. I felt like I didn't have any grandparents. Also, with her living with us, it made it hard for us to have anytime as an immediate family (parents and children) b/c grandma was always with us. She went on vacation, on trips...etc. I can understand your husband not wanting to upset his mom but you need to consider what is best for the kids and what type of relationship is best for them. Now, I have to be honest and give you both sides. My middle brother was perfectly fine with grandma living with us. He maintained a good relationship with her. I just depends on the way you MIL treats each child and the child's personality. Keep in mind too, the kids deserve to have a happy mom as well, not one that is frustrated and angry b/c of some other situation. I hope this helped and good luck with
Move out! I don't see things changing until you do - you have your own family - invite the MIL over for Sunday dinner.
It is time for you and your family to find your own place. You don't need this kind of aggravation. You need to make your husband stand up to his mother. Until you do, nothing is going to change unless you change it. Let your husband know that if he doesn't stand up to his mother, you will. You are the mother of your children, not her. You are the one that decides how your children should be raised, not her.
Hi J.,
I have to agree with everyone else here that it is time to pack up and move out. I think at this point sitting down with her isn't going to change anything. She has another son there so she won't be alone. Marriage is between a husband and wife, not husband wife & MIL's or FIL's for that matter! Please put you and your kids first, hubby is old enough to worry about himself. YOU need to be happy to take care of yourself and your kids.
Best of luck and I hope everything works out for you and yoru kids.
You need to get your own place...if you can only afford something VERY small...it would be worth it...this will eat you alive and undermine your authority with your children. She is controlling and will not change. Don't let her give you any grief on it. Your husband needs to take a stand with his mother and not chicken out!
I've never lived with my mother in law before, but I've stayed over at her house for a trip and even that was too long. I'm sure it is hard, but I really think enough is enough and you, your husband and your children need to move out. She's manipulating you and making you and your children feel guilty, she's disrespecting your parenting rules, and making your life miserable. If your brother in law lives there too, she won't be alone in the house. She doesn't need your four year old in her bed to survive. It just sounds like a really bad situation and I think you need to get out of it ASAP so everyone can heal.
I agree with everyone else that you need to get your own place for your family's sake. All the stress will take its toll on you and may lead to serious problems in your marriage. It's actually a good thing your brother-in-law is living there too because then you won't feel like you are abandoning her when you leave. I know it's going to be tough, but you have to talk to your husband and work something out for the good of your family.
Sweetie, I feel for you. While I've never been in your exact situation, I've been in a similar one. Mine was my own mother, in our house. Anyway, my advice to you is to sit down with your husband (as you've done before), tell him what's up, and tell him to "man-up". It's his mom, but you're his wife, and his life partner. Long story short, your family needs it's own home.
My husband almost left my son and I because of our similar predicament. Hun, I totally sympathize. I wish I could give you a big 'ole hug, you need one.
You have got to get out of there. When it comes to your children and you and there happiness you are just going to have to take charge if your husband is going to chicken out. I would suggest finding your own place as soon as possible. If you don't think you can afford it apply for public housing for now. You have to put your kids happiness and health at the top of the list. Once your husband sees how much happier everyone is he will be glad that you took charge of the situation. God bless and good luck!
My mother lived with her mother-in-law for 30 years. My grandmother died in June of 1983, and my father died in July of 1983. I loved my dad very much, but he was, without a doubt, a momma's boy. When he married, he brought my mother home and simply moved to a larger bedroom in the same house. This was not an uncommon situation in our small town full of Italian immigrants. My uncle and his family lived right next door, and my aunt and her family lived down the street. Every grouping of 2 or 3 houses was another extended family grouping. When I was growing up, I remember thinking that it was strange that my mom's side of the family all lived in separate houses in separate towns. It had it's advantages. I never had a babysitter who was not related to me. But it certainly was no picnic for my mother to have her mother-in-law constantly in charge of everything. That was the culture and custom. The other families on the street seemed to get along better, and I think it was because the daughters-in-law were raised knowing that they'd marry a nice Italian boy and move in with his mother. My mom was American and so the outsider. My grandmom treated her badly. My father and grandmother have been dead for 25 years, and my mom is still angry about her married years and her living situation. There was a huge strain on my parents' marriage. My father would never conceive of moving out. He used to say, "Over my dead body!" And that became a literal reality! Because my mom was angry and depressed all the time, she was not the best mother. In fact, I'll tell you that we have a very, very difficult relationship to this day.
We were fortunate to live in a very large house -- 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and even 2 kitchens. It was possible to escape the tension to a degree by going to another part of the house.
You're sharing much closer quarters. For the sake of your family, you need your own space, especially if your husband feels the same way you do. Make a plan. Prepare for it. It's your decision to make. If your MIL gets upset over it, then she'll just have to grow up and deal with it. You have your own lives and your children deserve to have a family without the stress.
Get out, no matter what it takes. It's taking a toll on you and your family. Put your kids and yourself first. It's a good example to set for your children.
If she feels slighted or insists she can't live alone, she can get a caretaker or move to a care facility. Suggest that and see how she starts taking care of herself.
Just one brief statement here. Apparently if you and your husband moved out and got an apartment or rented a small house, your MIL would STILL not be alone since she has her sons living there. So what is the issue other than the fact that you are "enabling" her to control your lives. A family deserves a home of their own. Marriage is a tough thing and the more "outside pressures" you nave on the marriage, the more likely that in time it will fail. Go live your lives. Your MIL will survive ... you can visit her often or have her to visit you, but YOU need control over your own chidren.
Dear J.,
While I certainly agree that you need to get out, it would be wise to first sit down & have a plan, rather than just exploding that you're leaving & then doing so. You didn't mention if there are financial reasons for staying, or anything else, so I won't make any assumptions. Your first priority is your family ~ meaning your husband and your two kids. If you haven't before, now is definitely the time to sit down with your hubby & discuss the situation & how you're going to go about getting your own place. Formulate a plan for your own family - what size apartment/house you'll need & can afford, where you want to live (how close do you want to be to his family & your family), etc. God bless you for seeing the need to make the change & realizing that this is not a healthy situation. I'll be praying for all of you.
Move. Tell your husband that he can come with or he can stay. Get away from the MIL! WIth 2 kids you need your own space and privacy. If your Dh won't do it, then you need to. ANd tell him to grow some man parts. If he can marry you and make bebies, then he can stand up to his mother amd move.
Please don't make your daughter sleep with her anymore. Notice how many answers have that request in them. Notice how no one has said this is OK. Make a change and stick to it. Tell your husband "enough is enough!" And finally, get on with your family's life. You, your husband, and your children deserve the comfort of yourselves. Please makes some decisions and better your environment. Good luck J..
J.,
Sweetie, you, your husband and your kids need to find a home of your own. The sooner the better. Can you afford to buy your own house or get an apartment? Is that part of the issue that keeps you there? Is this free childcare while you work? If so, no wonder everyone is so "married" to this arrangement! If not, I don't understand why you are not leaving NOW!
This woman has not finished grieving her husband. She has just transferred her attention to your kids. She needs to grieve. You will be doing her a favor by making her sink or swim on her own. If she chooses to let the BIL stay and not pull his weight that's HER problem, not yours.
She can still be a big part of your family--but it will be nice to actually say "goodbye" when you or she leaves at the end of the visit. Seriously, this sounds like a dysfunctional family situation (and I KNOW DYSFUNCTIONAL!) and your immediate family unit needs to leave immediately. Email me if you would like further input, OK? Good luck & God bless.
I think that you need to get a place of your own. Why did your MIL get a bigger place in the first place? If her husband just died, you would think she would move into an apartment to downsize. Did she do this to get you to stay with her? Also, your children need rules, as you know. Grandparents are supposed to spoil them but from a distance...she is going to raise spoiled children. You are living in an unhealthy environment for you and your kids and your marriage and your family are going to suffer for it if you don't do something now. She has the brother that can help take care of her and you and your family need a place of your own. These first few years of your children's lives only happen once and you are going to regret it if you don't get control. You will resent your husband and your MIL in the future. You are their mother and your MIL should respect that. If she can't then it's time to move on. And you need to get your daughter out of her bed, there's no reason why a grown woman should need a 4 yr old sleeping in her bed, sounds like manipulation to me. Get out and get out fast.
Hello J.,
Is moving out an option? It is very stressful to live with relatives especialy because it is in your MIL home. I would try to get out on your own. Your MIL will still have her other son there.
what are your resource?
can you go on a week or longer vacation without daring MIL. that way everyone can see the big picture together(husband, and your children) Lord forbid if something would happen to MIL your daughter will be very heart broken.
K. B
