Miscarriage - Buffalo, NY

First, be there and listen, that is the best. It will take her some time to get through it.

As for the legal issuu, I, a CT attorney, recommend that she seek an attorney's advice. There are many variables that will effect her rights and a consult with an attorney is the best way to find out - she should be able to get a FREE consultation from an attorney as to whether she has a case.

Hi J.,
Was she a permanent employee of the company? How long was she out? Depending on those things-will depend on whether or not he cam "legally" do that. Plus that really sucks! That is really heartless!
J.

My best advice to you is to STAY with it. The most common thing that happens is that people overwhelm the person with the loss with tons of well meaning things AT FIRST. This usually is very hard to deal with well b/c there is so much denial and anger, it's flat overwhelming. But as time moves on, so do people. Other people, that is. Then the person with the loss is left to deal with the loss pretty much alone at the time they MOST need someone. Everyone elses life moves on, and yours is expected to also (whether said or un-said). It feels like a betrayl of sorts and is just so hard. Moreover, DON'T (PLEASE!) say things like "you can always try again" "it wasn't meant to be" so on and so forth. I know people mean well but it deepens the pain of the loss, not lessons. It is absolutely heartbreaking and nothing anyone can say is going to take that away. But you CAN be willing to go the depths of the darkness and hurt she feels WITH her, cry with her, hurt with her and "hold" her pain with her- IF you can and want to be that kind of friend and support. Instead of trying to move her away from thinking about the babies, (if you're present physically) help her moourn them by talking about their intended names and plans and all the things that are now lost. She will cry hysterically (which makes people uncomfortable) but she needs to. That's really the only thing that will altogether help. In the meanwhile, if you can afford to send flowers to her house or something like that, it helps. My sister did that for me and it was surprisingly touching. This women just needs someone to "get" it that this hurts like hell. She will eventually get through the worst of it, but don't rush her through it.

As far as work, I don't know much about the legal end of things. But if she left for medical reasons then they are going to have one heck of a time in court for not hiring her back, even if their reasons are justified otherwise (such as financial b/c of the economy). Honestly, my mother won a lawsuit that way. But, it is long, tedious and expensive in many ways. And in the end they'll probably just settle out of court. Why don't you look into for her one of those pre-paid legal services? It costs about $30-$40 per month, which even with one forceful letter they write her employer might seriously pay off. She may very well be right that what she needs is to get back to work. Hope any of this helps- N.

Hi J., I am very sorry about your friends loss. I will pray for her. I do not know the legality of the job situation but that would be really bad if she wants to come back to work. Try to find out before it happens. That would be something good to do for her. If she wants to talk, just listen unless you have also miscarried. She may be advised to wait a while and try again. Grandma Mary

That's awful for your friend. I imagine the best thing you can do is just be available to her if she wants to talk or just 'share space', and to not pressure her if she's not ready to. Re: your other question, it's hard to respond without more info. Did she quit work after she got pregnant, or was she on either a personal or disability leave? She may have certain rights, depending on the situation and size of the company. My suggestion ia that she contact her HR dept if there is one or her boss if there isn't and plan her return date if she was on a leave of absence. If she actually quit, he doesn't have to hire her back. And if she was on an approved leave, she'll need to go back to work according to whatever the leave policy states or when she's medically released for work. She may not have the luxury of determining her return schedule on her own. My suggestion for your friend is to immediately contact the company to state her intention to return to her job and see what happens. You can encourage her to look into her rights, but since it sounds like you both work for the same boss, DO NOT inject yourself into it w/ the boss on her behalf or you may also end up losing your job.

Best of luck!

There really are no right words. Just I have no idea what you must be going through but I am here for you. That's really it. When I had mine people would say things like "It happened for the best" etc. I know they meant well but it made things worse. Just be there for her offer to help her with meals if need be or what ever she needs.

As far as your boss, one thought I have is how unprofessional if you know before she does. Your boss is not only lacking in professionalism but also lacking in compassion. I am glad I don't work for him/or her!!!! You may want to consider your friends treatment at work common practice. Just a thought.

J.,

You are a good friend. As for the legality of the situation I cannot answer. But, as a woman who lost a baby at 21 weeks and 24 weeks, I am familiar with what to do and not to do. First, give her time. She may just need space to grieve. Your cards and words mean a lot, she is just in too much pain to even verbalize her pain at the moment. Please do not tell her "God has a plan" or "everything happens for a reason". These are the dreaded phrases we who have lost hear a lot and it pains us. When she is ready to talk, ask her if she wants to talk about it or if she would prefer not. Being direct is best. The worst thing for me when I went back to work was that no one said anything. A coworker came up to me months later and said he did not want to "remind" me of what happened...as if I did not live it every minute! Tread gently and listen. Next year, on the anniversary, call her or send her a card to let her know you remember.

Hello,
I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.
Exactly one year ago, I lost a baby at 18 weeks. Your friend might be going through the natural grieving process after accepting what has happened, or it's possible to be in denial for a while at this stage and keep pressing through as though nothing's happened. One of my friends knit me a tiny hat for our baby to remember him by. It might be good to keep offering to help (babysit if she has older kids) or just email or text her frequently to let her know you're thinking of her and ask whether there's something you can do for her.
I have no idea of the legality of your boss not hiring back your friend though. What state are you in?

Hi J.,

I can't really offer much on what else you can do. I imagine she will need to work through her grief at her own pace and just know that she has people nearby who care.

Regarding the legal end, it all depends on whether she was eligible for and actually requested Family Medical Leave Act leave and, if so, why her boss is not going to hire her back. If, for example she would have been let go even had she not taken leave, then the boss may not have to hire her back. Your friend, as soon as she is up to it, would need to consult with an attorney who knows employment law if she either wants her job back or wants some redress for it.

Please pass along to your friend my best wishes that she heals in all ways.

J.

Hi J.,

I will repeat what everyone has said: you are a good friend.

If you are in NJ, there are very strict rules about not discriminating on the basis of medical leave or pregnancy. You can contact the NJ Division on Civil Rights about that -- all of their services are free (do a google search to get the contact information for the office near you). New York has a similar Civil Rights office but I don't know the details. However, since you didn't give details about your friend's work position, I can't offer you specifics, either. It would depend on when and why she left, the contract she works under, etc. For example, part time employees do not have to be given maternity leave by law.
Good luck. Please contact (or have her contact) a state agency who will give her free legal advice.

On the miscarriage front, I can only extend my deepest condolences, but I know that this is a situation that you must find the strength from within to handle, in your own way. On the legal front, concerning your lost job, I would suggest you contact a lawyer who specializes in employment issues. I happen to know of one veteran attorney, who has been handling employment cases for 30 years and has had big verdicts and settlements in them: Thomas Ferro, 31 East Ridgewood Avenue, Ridgewood, NJ 07450 ###-###-####, ext. 4. He will give you a free initial consultation at which time he will hear your story and give you his opinions as to your options. If litigation is started, he will fight it to the end, all the way through trial, if necessary, although most cases (90%) settle out of court.

if she quit, then he doesn't have to hire her back, but if she went on a leave, then she has rights and she could sue.

My sincerest sympathies to your friend. As far as the legality - it depends on the terms of her leaving - did she quit? Was she on medical leave? In NYS - you have to be offered a position (not necessarily the same one) back following a medical leave - mostly pregnancy and birth. You can look up the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and there should be information that can give you the answers you are looking for.

that's awful, I'm so sorry. I suffered a miscarriage 2 years ago and although I only lost one baby, it was rough. Just be there for her when she needs to talk and maybe even encourage her to do so...try not to let her keep the emotions bottled up. :(
So why won't the boss hire her back? Was she working up until the miscarriage occurred?
Lynsey
PS- I loved Maxine's suggestion...help her out around the house, run errands, etc if you can. That's a great idea.

Hi J.,

First, my heart goes out to your friend. That's not an easy situation to deal with. I lost my first son, Evan, four years ago today. I was 25 weeks & he lived for 17 days. That was hard, but it does get easier. I wanted my best friend to be there for me. But, she didn't know what to do or say, so she stayed away until I contacted her almost a year later. So, be there for your friend even if you think she's ok...she may just be putting on a brave face. Don't feel a need to talk about her loss every time. Maybe comment on something funny you saw on tv or whatever. If you have kids of your own, especially a baby, I would suggest sheilding her. I was very hurt to see people prancing their babies around where I worked.

Second, your friend can sue the employer if he fires her. You can not fire a person for being out on maternity leave or anything along those lines. This is a different situation tho. She should be allowed some grievance time, FMLA time...at no pay, short term disability to cope with her loss, etc. Definitely have her contact a lawyer, or maybe you could get a free consult & get the info for her.

Best wishes,
A.

OMG that is so terrible :( 19 weeks is pretty far a long, one more month and they could of been viable or would of been considered a still birth. Every woman/pregnancy/miscarriage is different. I would try to be a friend, just let her know you are available if she needs anything. Why is she not getting hired back? If she had enough hours to qualify for FMLA she should still have her job, but unfortunately many times when we don't qualify for FMLA, management does have to reexamine and downsize... Try not to talk about other babies, pregnancies, etc -- right now is not the time. My mom wrote me a poem about the baby I miscarried and it was nice and she said I could open it when I wanted to. She also came and stayed with me when it happened to watch over my other kids and to cook/help out.. Call and check on her everyday and see how she is.

Hi J.,
I had a miscarriage before my daughter (age 8)was born and it was a very difficult time. I can't even image if I was carrying triplets. My friend of 20+ years also had a miscarriage before her son (age 4) was born. After our own experiences we realized there was a need to tell our stories and share advice on how best to help a woman (based on what was said, done for us , etc)& her spouse and family get through this terrible loss. Please visit our website - www.OurHopePlace.com -"Friends helping friends cope, hope and heal after a miscarriage" and our Hope Place Blog: http://ourhopeplace.wordpress.com (a place to express your feelings related to miscarriage)
We hope we can help and please feel free to pass on our info to anyone who may benefit.
Sincerely,
L.

Hi,
Your concern shows that you are a true friend! I lost a child at 21wks gestation. It took a very long time to recover. The things that helped me most were: a friend who dropped off about 10 pounds of chocolate for me, people who dropped off cooked meals, people who simply told me that they cared and were sorry. After a loss like that, your friend might be in shock for a long time. It is hard to cook or take care of yourself. She will want to feel support from friends but may not want to talk. It would be great if you and other friends could coordinate cooking a meal and dropping it off every day.

As for your boss: it is very difficult to prove that discrimination has taken place. Given your friend's current situation, I personally thing it would be best if she let this job go. The last thing she needs is a nasty, uncaring boss in her life. It will be hard for her to look for another job but it might provide a distraction and help her move on. Please tell your friend about the MISS Foundation. They have an on-line support forum that was very helpful in the early days of my grief. www.missfoundation.org. Thank you for being so caring. Your would not believe how uncaring and awful people can be after a person suffers a loss like that. I hope that your friend named her child. If she did, just remembering the child's name and mentioning it can really make a difference. So many people will want to just pretend that the child never existed. That is the hardest thing to endure. Good luck.

Hi J.,
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's loss. Many moms who experience pregnancy loss find other people to be insensitive, to think they will "get over it" pretty quickly and don't understand the depth of their loss. I would suggest that you continue to call, send cards, make a donation in the names of her babies, etc after a couple of weeks, when most people have stopped expressing their sympathy.
As for the work situation, there really isn't enough information in your post to know if her termination from work would be legal or not, your friend will really need to consult an attorney if she thinks she's being dismissed illegally. If she is taking her own sick or personal time, I don't believe that she can be terminated for doing so. However, many workplaces have contracts which state that you can be dismissed at any time, for any reason.

Clarify why she is not being hired back. Was this a temp job or seasonal or part-time. That is so not right. I am not sure who to call, but there has got to be someone that can help with this.

To help your friend - can you take her meals, clean her house, or help her run errands? She's grieving, and those things are probably the last things she wants to think about.

If your friends position is still available they have to take her back. If they no longer have that position in the company then they can let her go

You are such a good friend to even come on this board and ask what to do for your friend. Some things she probably WON'T want to hear are: 1) It was for the best; 2) there was probably something wrong with the babies; 3) better it happened now than when you were farther along; 4) you can have more kids; 5) three was probably too many anyway...

Just try to be there for her. I lost a baby at 26 weeks. I loved to just be able to talk to people about the baby and the delivery and being pregnant. It was cathartic for me. The friends I valued the most were those who just let me talk. On the other hand, I have some friends who lost babies who DON'T want to talk about it. So you'll have to feel her out to see what she wants to do. Check in on her every so often and say "how are you doing?" or "I'm thinking of you." She may be upset about it for a while, so don't think that in a few weeks she should just be back to normal. It takes a while...

Another thing - ask if she had given the babies names. We gave our son a name and it's nice to be able to use the name with friends.

Not sure on legality of not hiring her back but I hope she gets her job back... going back to work will be good for her.