MIL & Thanksgiving

Oh boy...what a mess. I am fortunate to have 2 MILs...YES 2. My husband's mother and his stepmother. His mom and I get along but she would always say things around my family when neither hubby and I were in the room. She also felt that since she treated my family like her family, they should do the same. Therefore, I couldn't go to my family's for thanksgiving w/o her, her brother and my BIL. This used to really piss my family off becuase they knew they had to tolerate her out of love for me & hubby. It took awhile to get hubby to realize that no one we knew traveled with their inlaws!

My suggestion is go and have dinner and then depart early. Not in a way that you appear to eat & run. But perhaps plan to take the kids to see Madagascar or something at the movies following dinner. They may not like this but if they don't talk anyway, what should it matter. At least you won't have to deal with the tension!

Hope this helps.

M

You are certainly not alone! I've been going through this for YEARS!
YOU should not have to deal with this at all. Your husband should talk to his mother. My husband has to remind his mother and grandmother before every family event that they'd better be on their best behavior, because we are not dealing with drama during our holidays. You and your family should be able to enjoy the season without the drama, too. Make your husband step up to the plate. It's his family. Let him address the issue. If people can't be pleasant, than they don't need to come to your home. You wouldn't go to someone else's house and make trouble, so why allow others to behave badly in your home?
Good luck. And don't forget some good red wine. You'll need it!

mb, let me say first here is a big hug to get you going. I have had these same issues at our home. Here is something we did a few years ago. it was a huge hit. ask each person who is coming to thanksgiving dinner (including the kids) to write down on a piece of paper something they are thankful for. put these in a jar and then read them later on in the meal. another year we had each person put a memory they had of a good holiday / memorie. could be about a person, place, gift, vacation etc. it doesn't really matter because the whole point is to get people talking and remembering that they are family and love each other. so there is really no right or wrong way to do it. I got a big mason jar and put it on the table . when people got to the house we put the memories in the memory jar. it was a huge hit.

You said it girl!!!!! The solution came from your own mouth. Don't pick up the tension or negative vibes, statements ect. Ignore it, put it to the side. You can't please everybody, youre not there to amuse or entertain, misery does love company. Enjoy the good stuff girl!!!!!!!! I wish i could be there just to see their faces on how you handle things and the smile on your face because you know you are. So relax girl and look forward to the good time.

It's kind of interesting how many people don't get along with their In-Laws. My family also are big talkers, especially with regard to hashing things out to get over the tension. No topic is off limits. With my husbands I have to walk on egg shells, keep my mouth shut no matter what, and always be the bigger person. It's definately not in my nature to do so, and is very difficult.
In order to ease the tension last year, I started a new tradition. The adults play scrabble at every family event. This way no one has to talk about anything in particular, a game lasts a long time, no one gets talked into a corner. Every time my MIL makes a nasty comment, my hubby asks her into the kitchen away from the kids to tell her to cool it. The discussion is completely related only to the kids in a positive light, and we let the kids do most of the talking/babbling.
One year she left, when she made a nasty comment, and my husband called her on it. However, she wants to spend these holidays with the kids, and knows that my husband will choose not to include her if she's not nice. He is the one that made it clear to her that he wont tolerate any negativity from either of us. (I've been called into the kitchen on occasion as well, so she knows he's not singling her out.)
Maybe giving all of the adults something to do that keeps you away from talking about anything in particular would help...Good Luck!

Other people can only ruin your holidays if you let them - or as Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." For many years, I lived these holidays. You cannot worry about people who don't love the holidays like you do. You can try to play a game or start a tradition. Putting aside other issues IS WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD DO at Christmas because it's out of place to discuss things that are inappropriate or uncomfortable. Sorry...that would just be rude - however, my in-laws frequently tried to make Christmas a battleground. REALLY...it's not a terrible thing if people aren't talking to each other. Enjoy your kids, remember the reason for the season, make sure you volunteer to do something for others less fortunate - I do this with my kids, every year. Buy a gift for a child or adult less-fortunate and bring your kids to pick one out. Take the focus off of people whose goal is to try and rob you of a meaningful holiday. Bake Jesus a birthday cake and sing to Him. If your home is more peaceful at Christmas, then it's where you SHOULD be. Don't make Christmas a day event - look for the magic! It's really what gives Christmas its holidays meaning.

Hi. My in-laws don't talk either, which has been very difficult for me to understand and accept. I come from a very socially-gracious family that always knows how to make other feel at ease. My in-laws have never socialized and are simply introverted people. The tension it created for me was awful...until my husband explained that they were not feeling any tension and were perfectly happy sitting around staring at each other. They are crazy about the kids and interact with them, thank heavens, so the kids don't realize that anything is too different. But for the first few years of our marriage, I assumed they had some sort of problem with me. They didn't.

Now when they visit, I can much more easily remove myself from the room (to cook or clean-up or whatever) while they play with the kids. The kids are a wonderful buffer -- they make my in-laws very happy and I can get out of the room without it being noticed!

It sounds like you have much bigger issues than this, but I thought I would throw it out there in case it helps in some small way.

Oh dear, this is starting to worry me in reverse.My son, who is in the service met a girl and is bringing her from Washington for Christmas. You know what that probably means! What if she doesn't like me and he pops the question and she doesn't ever want to see me again. Okay, I'm way ahead of myself. Anyway, I like the Monopoly game idea someone came up with and maybe I'm way too old, but we used to play charades, that was fun and everyone can play and have fun. And if she is going to continue to be a you know what then just ignore her if possible. My step father has always been a jerk but comes with the package and he sits in another room by himself like a prince. I wish I knew more about this woman, like is she good to the kids or is she bad to them? Is there a FATHER IN LAW, or can you find some eligible single older bachelor for her? Do you play cards? Watch movies? Lock her on the back porch. Oh no, what if they do that to me? Anyway, I hope I don't ever do anything wrong to a daughter in law as I had one of those mother in laws before and unfortunately she was a huge part of getting a divorce. I am however happily married a second time and his mother is wonderful. Good luck, and perhaps you can just leave for the time of the party and email all of us about how it is going! S.

Hi M B,

I've dealt with this for years too. My solution last year, which I discussed with my hubby ahead of time, was to not speak to either of his parents unless directly addressed. The problem was that everything out of my mouth was taken out of context, ie, I could say absolutely nothing of value to them. Once I stopped engaging them in any type of conversation tensions eased. It was easier for my MIL to ignore me if I didn't speak to her.

It might sound childish and evasive, but we have tried everything over the years and nothing has worked with her. She refuses to admit she might even be the tiniest bit wrong. In fact, I once apologized for something I didn't even do and she still said she'd never forgive me.

Not making an effort to engage them also took off the self-imposed pressure. Every time we saw them I was nervous and worried about how they would react to the simplest things out of my mouth. Now that I just sit there and smile or simply answer questions, I don't feel any pressure to please or perform. I'm not exactly happy, but I'm at peace with myself.

I'm just grateful they live on the other side of the country and we only see them once, maybe twice, a year. I only make effort when they are here for the sake of my kids. I don't talk to them any other time of the year. My dad's mom is a beast too and I never knew it until I was an adult. My poor mom has suffered for years at her hands. I grew up thinking my grandma's meanness was funny, like it was all a big joke. Now I know better, but I'm glad my mom never influenced my decision on that because, after all, she is my grandma and I needed to give her a chance on my own.

There are many of us out there who can sympathize. I think it also gives us good incentive to be kind and gracious MILs someday ourselves.

Best of luck!

M.

My MIL always hated me because I was shy and they were very out going people. So not me until I hit my forties. Anyway I would just focus on my children and husband. My husband thinks the world of his mother and it was important to him to be with his family. This was all I needed. I married him not his family. Seeing my husband happy was all I needed.