Mean Kids in Kindergarten....who Knew It Started So Soon!

Nothing has changed. This has been happening since the beginning of time. It's sad and I don't understand it. I take this very seriously in my daycare. I do not allow children to make a big deal of sitting next to each other. I don't allow anyone to be excluded. It takes daily coaching to teach them to treat each other with respect. They don't have to feel like it. They just have to do it.

That's why I'm not a fan of traditional school . . . that many kids in a group, with only one or two teachers max - it's bound to happen.

Kids don't raise each other very well imho. And when they spend a big chunk of the day corralled up together problems can and will arise.

IMHO kids learn socialization best from their parents and trusted adults, and even older kids (provided these kids have been socialized properly) in their lives. Time with other kids their age is great - just not all day every day.

That's JMO and it's a minority POV.

Good luck and I hope it gets better.

These kids are five. Like your little one, who used pushing to vent her frustrations, they are NOT skilled at social issues. They dont know better than to exclude. It is not the same as 12 yr olds. I'm around kindergartners a lot and they dont call each other loser because they dont have a best friend. You should ask and find out what prompted this.

My first thought is that we all go through it growing up. Each one of us learns what it's like to be excluded, and to exclude. This early lesson will help her be one of the nice ones - one with sensitivity and empathy. Remind her to stay friendly, and she'll make friends. At recess, she can start a game of kick ball, or start a game of tag -- something that requires many kids to play. REMEMBER: these first few days will not define her.

Also, don't forget that the teasing boy, at that age, may very well find your daughter alluring. I remember that I used to kick the boys I liked the most in the shins, or call them names. Whatever it took to get their attention. It wouldn't hurt to introduce that concept to her, to explore the possibility that he may actually like her. It could give her a needed boost of self-esteem.

Finally, you must relax. She'll be fine. Your job right now is to make sure she knows that, and believes that you know it too. Man, this motherhood thing is hard! :]

Talk to the teacher. This sort of thing always involves a lot of subtle dynamics that really need to be observed and managed by someone who is present. Good luck.

If your teacher needs resources, take a look at
"You can't say you can't play" and
"Peace Table"

Honestly, I wouldn't make it into a big deal. My normally very social & independent DD has had issues adjusting to K, too. She has cried, kicked & has not befriended as many kids as I thought she would. Once I stopped feeding into her "issues" & making a big deal out of everything, she improved 10 fold.

I look at it this way - do adults befriend everyone they work with, go to church with, or attend a mom's group with? Of course not. I know I don't like being forced to hang out with someone or being told who to be friends with.

It's part of life. Some people just gravitate towards each other, and some don't. Of course, as adults, we know how to be nice about this, and that this is a fact of life. Seeing your little one go through it is hard, trust me, I know. But it's a part of going to school, being a kid, and is an important life lesson.

I guarantee you she doesn't hate school, and I'm sure it will all work itself out. It takes some time to adjust when your whole little world has been turned upside down. My advice is to stay positive & teach your child how to cope when kids are less than nice to her, because the truth of the matter is that it will happen again. I tell DD that if someone messes with her, she is to ask them to stop, or go play with someone else. If the kid still bothers her, she is to tell a teacher/person in charge. Don't feed into the negativity, instead, focus on the good.

Unfortunately, kids at this age don't really know how to play well as a threesome - it seems like they can do fine as a pair, but add a third kid and they don't seem to know how to handle it and somebody ends up left out. I would talk to the teacher about it since your daughter's frustration is spilling over and causing her to act out - hopefully the teacher can then see how she is being affected by this and have a talk with all the kids. Your daughter needs to learn to stand up for herself using words rather than physical action. Maybe inviting some kids over for a play date (one at a time) would help strengthen some friendships too.

It starts as early as Preschool.
The age 3 kids in my own class play well in twos, but add a third to the mix and it is asking for trouble. Encourage her to keep trying, eventually kids will get tired of playing with the kids who are "bossy" or mean and want to be friends with someone who is mild mannered and has a sweet disposition. It took about 3 weeks in my class for some to figure out they did not like to play with someone who wanted to dictate everything. It took some hurt feelings and some redirection, but everyone is getting along a lot better now. I am so sorry...my own heart is ached for my own shy daughter.

I teach 3 year olds and if allowed "mean girl" exclusion can start even at this age. TELL THE TEACHER. She may not even be aware of what is going on. This is the age when the nasty girls need to learn that it is NOT okay to behave in this way.

Good for your daughter for sticking up for herself with the name calling!

It's shocking to me that this kind of behavior starts so young - I posted about two weeks ago about my 1st grader having an issue with a playground bully telling her to 'stay away from' and 'don't talk to' this one and that one and then the bully would start hitting my daughter when she'd walk away from her - ugh! From the advice I got one here from these great ladies I brought the issue up to the teacher only to learn that my daughter is not the only target of this bully and that they are having many issues with this bully. My daughter is still having issues with this other little 'girl' but I keep telling her to just ignore the bully and walk away from her BUT if this little 'girl' aka bully puts her hands on my daughter at any point to go straight to a teacher and let them know what is going on (this was the advice I was given from the teacher). It's kinda scary to think of what 'challenges' the future will hold for us parents if this occurs already!

I also want to say that even though it wasn't right for your daughter to push the other kid I'd be secretly really proud that she stood up for herself :)

If it makes you feel any better, tomorrow, the girl your daughter has been playing with, who is now friends with someone else, will be friends with your daughter again, and the day after that your daughter will decide she doesn't like that kid anymore and will move on to someone else... it goes on and on and on.

How can you intervene? Easy. Pick a kid whose parents you like, and invite the child over to your house to play after school one day, or to the park on the weekend. Try to have one or two play dates per week, and pretty soon your daughter will find a few kids she really likes. Don't rule out the boys (my younger daughter has a few good friends who are boys, and it works fine at that age).

Also, I'd ask the teacher to please intervene when kids start calling each other "losers," before they feel the need to defend themselves. I hope the little boy who said that was equally punished. (And given that your daughter defended herself, I'll bet he doesn't call her names again!)

Actually, that is VERY SAD. You cannot imagine how many times I have heard this kind of stories or experiences from close friends and neighbors , and they send their kids in different school districts. (We've been there also) It is getting usual and many moms think that is "normal". I do not agree this is normal and a kid has "to get used to it" when escalates and when it happens TOO often in different schools, different econo-social level, etc.
I agree that kids need to learn about life and conflict resolution, tolerate others, and be exposed to different persons and situations, OK that is correct and healthy, but the kids are not obligated to stand rudeness, or similar situations.They DON'T HAVE TO. Schools, these days punish (time outs, principal office, etc...) kids who defend themselves from rude kids, these kids have not been taught to be polite, educated or to be kind by their parents. The kids who are rude are exactly those who are never punished. I am sorry your little one is having a bad time, it is sad that she is experiencing this at THIS age, so young. Keep talking to her, and encourage her to be strong and ignore those kids who annoy her or make her feel bad. Encourage her to make her OWN group and develop a great personality.
Good luck!

Hi - This makes me sad, too. With our daughter (also in kindergarten), we try to focus on the positive. We say that when one person doesn't want to play with you, that just gives you a chance to make more new friends, and new friends are always a good thing. We also say that if anyone doesn't want to be friends with you, it's their loss - you're a great friend, and they're missing out. I was so proud this week when my daughter came home and told me that she went and sat by a boy in her class who didn't have any friends because she thought he needed one. :)

Talk to her teacher. Set up a meeting, and have a conversation about it. Social skills are a big part of Kindergarten. The teacher should make sure that everyone is being included, and everyone has a friend. It's part of the deal with K. Talk with your daughter about things she can do on the playground that make her happy. See if she can find someone to walk to the playground with - so she starts out with a friend. I'm dealing with some of this with my 1st grade son too.. it's really hard for a parent to watch.

That said, I have pretty clear memories of a girl in my class in Kindergarten excluding (and sometimes including) me and others depending on her mood. Some girls (and boys too) are just like that. Today you are a friend, tomorrow you are not. I feel bad for your daughter, but know that it is not a new thing... I was in Kindergarten in the 1970's...

Good luck to you guys! J.

She needs an arsenal of tools at the ready to face whatever the school playground brings. Talk a little about it each day, or as problems arise, and say what are ALL the different ways you can react to this? You could stomp your feet and scream really loud? Nah, that's not a good idea. You can say "I don't like that" and go somewhere else? You can ignore it and ask someone else to play? You can go to a group and ask to join their game? What words would you use?
The more options she has at her disposal (and helping her practice the words can make a huge difference), the more likely she will use something other than pushing.

Sadly, it sounds like your school could use some lessons in community building -- this kind of thing can be nipped in the bud with better group management. You could consider having a meeting with the teach to explore how these things are handled at school and see if they have any suggestions on how to guide your daughter from home. If you don't like what you hear, you could visit the principal and discuss your frustration. There are a lot of programs out there that schools adopt to change the atmosphere -- we have one called Caring School Community and it makes the whole school a friendlier place.

aren't girls great? My daughter is in second grade and is still encountering this. She is shy and has a hard time initiating play. I can't seem to get her (and other girls her age) to understand that more than 2 can play at the same time. In kindergarten we found that the friendship duos switched off about every week, but it gets harder once they move up in grades. I have gotten a book about friendships on the American Girl line and we are slowly reading through it. I try to give her examples on how to go up and just play with others. Boys must be different, because her 5 yr old brother now in kindergarten may or may not ask to play, but if he does and the answer is no, he will play beside them and join in anyway until they have no choice but to include him. If they are mean, he just finds someone else and it doesn't hurt him like it did her. I try to point that out to her to give her example as to how to include herself.

If you intend for your dd to remain in public school, this is one of the many situations she will need to face and deal with. Your job is to empower her so that children who try to hurt her (physically or emotionally) will not succeed. The teacher should intervene if a situation needs to be redirected to more productive play, but they also need to learn to resolve issues themselves. She can ask them why they don't want to play with her. I'm sure their response will be something like, "We don't like you or We don't want to." She should learn to be confident enough to ask, "Why?" They usually don't have a very good answer for this. Something like, "Because we don't want to." Whatever it is, she'll see that it has nothing to do with her. Whatever the answer, she should say, "I don't like to play that way," and just walk away. As for the boy, he probably likes her....Ha! Good luck to you and your dd!

I wouldn't worry about your daughter too much -- she didn't sit there and get picked on, she pushed the kid. Read the other question, "seclusion exclusion" for some thoughts.

Don't project. It's only the first month of kindergarten and you are worried that her view of school is ruined? This is a blip in her life. Let her work it out.

And I personally wouldn' t punish my girl who pushed a boy who kept calling her a loser. Good for her. She will do fine in life, mom. Don't worry.

That sucks. I was worried about that for my daughter but somehow our school (public) seems to do a good job avoiding this behaviour. They have group discussions from day 1 about how to treat people, respect etc. If your school doesn't do that, perhaps you could research these types of programs and see if you could start something like this. I'm wondering if it works bc I would volunteer in my daughter's K and 1st grade classes and was amazed how nice everyone seemed to be to each other. I don't think the kids have even heard the expression "loser" nevermind used it in K! Maybe we're just lucky or maybe it's the focus the school has on it...