Mama Drama - Hackettstown,NJ

Why does her child's needs dictate the group? Every event in life won't accommodate her kid. She should lighten up and realize that life does not revolve around her child. She is demonstrating a poor example for her child. The board should get a backbone. If she says her kid doesn't like meat, does the board adopt a meat free menu for events. This is why I don't do mom groups because some mothers seem to not understand that their kid is only special to them.....not everyone else. Is there no compromise?

If the ONE "nut free" mama, can't monitor her own child's intake, then she should start a "nut-free" moms club. I don't think everyone needs to change because of this type of need. It is NOT the same as providing for wheel chair access.

my kid is allergic to strawberries i ask for no accomodations BUT if she had an allergy when someone else eating a nut would make her go into shock and sent to the ER I'd be a bratty mom and ask it...possibly, or J. not go. depends how severe the kids allergy is. if shes J. being over protective shes a nut, if the kid cant come if they dont make it nut free i can see being upset if she's been heavily involved all along.

i'm assuming big gathering isnt100's of people and J. larger than the normal playdate

Good grief, a spoiled brat! (The mom, not the child! LOL) Life is not always going to accommodate. While under 5 is still challenging as far as the monitoring of intake goes, (I say this having two nut allergy kids who are teens now) but really, where is it written that every event MUST be nut free, and that she MUST be able to come if she so chooses? The board needs to grow a backbone! Tell her her child is more than welcome as long as she's watching the food intake, otherwise, if she feels it's not safe, she'll be missed and see her at the next gathering.

I have an 8 yo with a pretty serious chocolate (I know, bummer) allergy, but there's no way I'd demand a chocolate free zone ;-) The child especially, has to learn what's safe and isn't -- our rule was, if you cannot verify ingredients, don't eat it. Works for us ;-)

I am thinking that board meeting wasn't "nut" free! I am all for trying to accommodate a child but sometimes you don't have the control to make that happen. You catch more flies with honey! When she distroys a group in a fit, then compromise is a dream. The board needs to be a bit more mature in times like these. Your suggestions are valid and maybe with time and a cool down things can be worked out. Moms are sometimes just girls with little kids and big agendas.

I don't know if I understand. These are events like gatherings of kids and moms or something bigger?

I can kind of understand keeping it nut free if it is a small group, relaxed, I don't want to be the only mom following my child around to make sure she eats the right thing.

Now if it is a big gathering where it is normal for a parent to guide food choices then she is being unreasonable with the nut ban.

Hehe, nut ban, that's funny.

I truly think that if they accommodate one mom with a child that has an allergy they must accommodate all children who have any allergy at all.

I will not allow my kids to do a nut free school I will feed them peanut butter at every meal they want to have it. If a parent has a child who has a nut allergy wants to keep their child away from nuts they have to figure out how they are going to manage this. My kids live on peanut butter and I will not accommodate the idea they have to give up a food they like for another child.

If there are kids allergic to milk, they break out in hives and their throat swells shut. Is the school going to take milk out? No they are not.

If a child is allergic to wheat items and has a reaction, is the school going to take out all bread, sandwiches, and grains in cereals? No they are not.

So taking nuts out of the schools and not removing any item that another child is allergic to is discrimination and it should not be allowed.

I understand that kids can die from nut allergies. I am allergic to tree nuts and they are everywhere. BUT I am responsible for not eating nuts or watermelons or banana's or other foods that make my mouth and tongue swell up. My job, not some school or other person, but me.

I appreciate it when parents ask if the snack will be nut-free or just bring an alternate nut-free snack for their kiddo. It makes it so much easier! We have a little friend who is allergic to nuts and his mom simply asked me if our cupcakes would be nut free and if not she planned on bringing a home baked treat for her little boy. She does it for all birthday parties. I saw her quietly bring a tupperware with a simple cupcake to a recent party and I thought it was so nice of her! I appreciate when parents take responsibility for these things.

We plan nut-free parties and never send our kids to school with nuts for snacks and lunches, because I want to be sensitive to it. I also really love when the other parent meets me halfway on that and we all work together and don't assume.

So, to answer your question, I think I would do a little of both and try to be nut-free for events. It's not that hard to serve something else. However that mom needs to realize that not every event will be nut-free. She needs to skip that one or bring something else for her little one to eat.

Well, I think if I had a child with very serious, or even deadly allergies, I'd likely start my OWN group of like families. I think if "integration" could cost your child their life, an alternative would be more attractive.

In fact, even if the group AGREED to nut-free in this case, as a parent of a child with a severe allergy, it's unlikely I would TRUST them. See?

:)

It sounds like Nut-free Baby Mama is stresssssssed out. I can't imagine the burden she must be carrying. Sure, attacking the board member was inappropriate. I'm guessing she was "reacting" to what felt like a personal exclusion aimed at herself and her child, from a group that she relies on to be safe and accepting. Perhaps having someone reach out to her and explain that this wasn't an attempt to exclude her child, but that it was being held somewhere the board had no authority to exclude nuts (or whatever the reason was) and therefore could not deem it a "nut-free" event?

She likes drama. Ugggg.

If the event isn't nut-free, then don't go. Free will.

It's a private group, yes? Not run by the town or the public school? Then the mom needs to suck it up that ONE event out of all of them wasn't nut-free. I understand how serious nut allergies are because I'm allergic to all nuts as well as peanuts (which are legumes). My best friend and her brother are anaphylactic allergic and require epi-pens plus a trip to the ER. I happily go nut-free but when events aren't nut-free I don't go nuts over it. I take precautions to avoid, avoid, avoid. I always ask if there are nuts in something if there aren't any labels. It's my responsibility to double check.

When it comes to my child that has food sensitivities and intolerances, again it's up to ME to double check and if there's any question we AVOID. If her child is so allergic that she can't stand near a plate with nuts because of the fumes from the oils, stay away from the plate and/or leave. Verify ahead of time that it's a nut-free event. Bring your own food if it's not that extreme.

But don't dismantle the board and the group. What a killjoy.

So one person's child has an allergy so everyone has to change their food choices? I know nut allergies can be dangerous and/or life threatening. I have a friend who has two kids with them. However, I think some parents go overboard. My child is allergic to grass. Do I run around town telling everyone to take up their grass and put in dirt? No.

As I have gotten older and see how some people parent, I am amazed that some kids can get out of bed without killing themselves. Not every mean kid is a bully, not every child is perfect, not every child is a genius, not every child can be potty trained by 2, most kids are potty trained by 4. Time out doesn't always work, a pop on the bottom can have the desired affect, just because I spanked my child doesn't mean they will end up a mass murderer or a slut.

Sorry for the rant! If she is upset then that is her choice. If she doesn't like the fact that a certain event will not be nut free than she doesn't have to go. Problem solved.

If this is a private event or business I think nut-free mama is out of line. I understand the concerns she may have for her child but alas, the world revolves around the sun not a single kid and she will have to learn to deal with it.
Our daycare s nut free, but when I host events I do NOT do them nut free. We eat peanuts and tree-nuts and use them in our home. I would be giving them a false sense of security since I simply would not be able to guarantee that there is no cross-contamination. I usually have a few alternatives to cater to everyone's taste and some may be nut-free, but if a child is so allergic that they cannot be exposed to anything nut - they should probably not come to my house to be safe. And I am not saying that to be mean - if it is truly a safety issue I just cannot accommodate.

All in all it sounds like some immature behavior came from both sides...

So if she's the only one who is having a problem, why dismantle the whole group? Say "I'm sorry that we are unable to accommodate your child at x event and we gave you a head's up so you could plan accordingly. We hope to see you at the next one. Please refrain from personal attacks on the messenger."

My DD is allergic to apples. Do I keep other kids from eating apples or doing apple stamp art or whatever? No. I think that the mom with the peanut allergy kid was in the wrong and the board is over-reacting to her over-reaction.

If they dismantle the club, then gather some like-minded members and go to Meet Up and re-form there. This just seems stupid. Rather than dismantle our group (we have more than 300 members in our Meet Up) I would tell the person, "I'm sorry that our group doesn't seem to be a good fit for your child's needs. You should look for a group that can accommodate her peanut free requirements at all events." In other words, get rid of the ONE troublemaker vs the club.

The board needs a backbone.

Dismantling seems a bit extreme. If she's a regular member and everything else is "nut free", I am wondering why this other event isn't? Is it because of where it is held you can't control that? or is it because of foods that are planned? or just being difficult?

I think the answer to that determines if the lady is justified in being upset about that event but at least she was warned before she brought her daughter to it.

There's always one.......

That woman sounds like a nut !

As a mom of a child with severe nut allergies, I would love to have "most places" be nut free. But the reality is that while any accommodations to do so are wonderful, it's my responsibility to a) determine if I deem it safe even if it's not nut-free, and b) to decide whether or not my child should go, and c) to educate my child on food safety and allergies so that someday he can make those choices/decisions for himself. Some places, bringing our own snacks and cleaning the table/chairs, etc. is enough. Other places, we just don't deem safe at all and don't go (i.e., to AAA baseball games, specific restaurants, etc.). I have been known to ask other parents not to let their child eat their PBJ or granola bar, when there is simply no place to safely move my child or the snacking child apart. But I do it politely. I'm sure someday some parent will go off on me for this, but none has as of yet.

This is a mom's group, and frankly, I'm guessing that some mom's don't even understand what "nut-free" means, or how to prevent issues with nuts. If this were a school, where the government is required by law to provide a "safe educational environment" I could see pitching a fit if there were serious danger. But for a private group of well-meaning moms, no.

Of course, there may be extenuating circumstances to why she is acting this way.

I think the maligned board member needs to suggest the group make a trip to The National Peanut Festival then sit back and watch the fireworks with a grin on her face.

http://www.nationalpeanutfestival.com

I think the mom is being unreasonable. If most events are nut free, one that isn't should not be a big deal. She just won't attend that event.

Dismantling the entire group is absurd! If she is unhappy, she should leave. If the group was not formed to be a allergy safe group for kids, she is being unreasonable.

Sometimes, due to medical issues, you have to miss out. One time should not be a big deal. I have to miss out on certain things due to health reasons, not allergies but still, it's no big deal.

so, the group is NOT created as a nut-free group, correct?
if that's the case, the nut-free mom is the true nut.
the board should grow a collective pair and let her tantrum on her own time.
it's nice that the food allergy is usually accommodated, but there's no need for every event to be proscribed, or for the board to dissolve.
wimps are almost as obnoxious as self-absorbed drama queens!
khairete
S.

only thought here: all along this mom was accommodated. & then the rules of engagement changed. I understand that she would feel upset.

Sooo, my ? would be: why did the policy change & who decided it would change? Were all board members pooled for their votes....or did one mom simply make the change by herself?

I don't think this is an issue of one nutty mom expecting too much.

I think this is clearly a case of a mom who got hit by a change of policy without prior notice. What had been a place of trust/faith was taken away from her. I understand that she felt upset, & unfortunately the whole snafu spiralled out of control from there. Just saying......

darn you all!!!!! I am at WORK! Stop making me laugh! It was sooooo funny to hear yall go on and on about the 'nuts' and nutty behavior and nut free! FUNNY!

Its simply a matter of if this mom doesn't like the guidelines or rules for this moms group, she should go to another or start another that meets her needs. No one is going to change for her. If she wants change, she needs to create it herself. Having a big tiff over not getting her way on a certain event is childish---sounds like shes got a few screws loose....

Sounds way extreme here...I don't think that ONE member of the group should get to dictate the rules for ALL events. If most of the events are already nut-free, it seems like she shouldn't make such a huge deal about one not being nut free. She was told in advance so that she could plan accordingly. The reality is that it is virtually impossible to ensure nut-free for everything. Perhaps this outing is to a circus or a baseball game where it is absolutely impossible to go nut free. I just think that it is unreasonable to think that everyone in the world has to accomodate the needs of one child. I can understand the Mom being a little put out, but not causing such a ruckus about this....

Was there truly a logical reason why this event/meeting couldn't be nut free? For example: Were you visiting a peanut factory...etc.

If not then why did things have to change in this instance. While I don't agree with the peanut mom bad mouthing others. I would understand why this mom was frustrated and upset. If others put themselves in others shoes more often more people could understand where this mom was coming from. Why did this event have to have peanuts? If there was a true reason for it I understand however, if its just because someone enjoys and wants peanuts...then this person needs to remember what the group is meant for...which is the kids.

And for the record...I do not have a child allergic to peanuts however, will accommodate others that do. I was never one to complain when my child couldn't take PB & J to school.

What is the event? I am curious. Someone mentioned circus or visiting a peanut factory, but I doubt that is it.