Nut Allergy: Am I over Reacting?

Good friends of mine have a son who has a severe nut allergy. She brings his own food to every event or special Holiday. Sometimes a reminder before you go to her home would be just fine. Seems like you have a great relationship with you MIL. Maybe take her out to lunch and have a friendly talk with her.

She just has no concept. She is not ignoring this, once she sees a reaction she will never have another nut around this child.

I do think that you need to just be careful no matter what. If this is this dangerous you really have to be totally aware about what she is touching at all times.

Give her the benefit......she just may not be thinking. If u don't live it everyday, sometimes u just don't think....

My mom has an allergy issue....I was almost done with a sauce yesterday and realized I needed to toss and throw out to make it safe for her and I've been around food allergies all my life!

I'd talk to her before every event w friendly reminders about needing to protect your daughter.

I wonder if your MIL thinks that if your daughter doesn't eat the cake she won't have difficulty. Is her allergy so severe that having a cake with nuts in it in the same room will cause a reaction? What happened this time with the cake?

I do wonder if you're being overly cautious. She had to go to the hospital when she touched an almond. That doesn't mean that she'll react to nuts in a cake which she doesn't touch. If there was no problem this last time I'd stop worrying about it. And.....you have an EpiPen if she has a reaction. I suggest that it's unlikely that she will as long as no one gives her any cake.

My granddaughter and I both have peanut allergies. My granddaughter is now 12 and no longer needs to carry an EpiPen. How old is your daughter?

If you want your MIL to not bring food containing nuts, I think it's reasonable for you to be direct in asking her not to bring them. I suggest that she'll be understanding of your feelings if you tell her how having the food nearby causes you to feel anxious. Don't try to convince her it's because the food has the potential to cause a serious reaction. Because if she believes this to not be true she is less apt to comply. Approach it from the view that the food causes you to worry. Ask her to do it for you.

I honestly think a lot of people just do not understand how serious these allergies can be.

Nut allergy may make them think peanuts, but not pecans, almonds or walnuts.

I also know families that even though a child has a nut allergy, still allow nuts in their homes, they just make sure the person with the allergy is not served the dangerous foods.

My sister has very severe Celiac disease, but has told us over and over to go ahead and serve whatever we want, she will bring her own food, if she comes unannounced.. My mother does try to be very careful to have foods my sister can eat, but my sister does not expect it.

I would just have her son kindly remind her that this allergy is so dangerous, you cannot even have Walnuts in your home.

I would just be firm with everyone coming into your house. "I'm sorry, but we don't allow any nuts in our home." You can be polite and thank her for the gesture, but your child comes first. Her safety is more important than hurt feelings.

I don't know how to overcome this issue either. My youngest child has Celiac disease and yet my mother-in-law will invite us over for casserole (made with stuffing), or bring Swedish Kringle and same said casserole JUST today to Thanksgiving at our house. They are nice gestures, but she knows it can't be shared...she's totally informed...

...and if it were a life threatening situation like yours is, I just wouldn't have it. My MIL also brought a plate of rolls and just sat them on the table...well, of course my two year old went and grabbed one! If that had been a nut and an allergy? Wow!

It is realistic to expect people to modify their diets and behaviors when they CHOOSE to be with you. You can't expect the world to change, but your family NEEDS to. I'm sorry I don't have the answers for you!

My family absolutely loves nuts, especially at this time of year. I had the most delicious pecan pie yesterday......my favorite!

That said, if someone with a nut allergy came to my home, I don't think I would do anything differently other than to make sure that no plates, utensils, etc, came in contact with that person.

It sounds like your mother-in-law might not fully understand the extent of your daughter's allergies. She may have a perception that it's only certain nuts to be avoided. She doesn't sound at all like a deliberately mean or uncaring person.

I know one Grandma who had a fabulous idea regarding nuts, not due to allergies, but she had a couple of kids in her family who hated nuts in things. She used red food coloring in her cookies, banana breads, etc, that contained nuts so the children could easily identify the difference. She kept them on separate plates. I'm sure, in the event of allergies, she would not have used the same baking sheets or cross-mixed utensils.

I've read on here that apparently some kids are so allergic they can't even be around other people who ingest or touch nuts. It may be true, and even tragic, but it's completely unrealistic to expect the rest of the free world not to enjoy nuts at all due to it. I'm sorry, but that's just my opinion.

I don't think you are overreacting any more than I think your mother-in-law was deliberately insensitive.

It sounds like you love each other. Just communicate about it.

Best wishes to you!

You are not overreacting, you are trying to be a proactive mama! The thought process on medical issues changes with each generation, and while she might fully be aware of your concerns, she might not regard them as being as severe as you do, because when she was raising kids, things like this were not as common. Toss in a holiday tradition, and I can see where her unwillingness to change things up comes from. I would ask her to next time keep all nut related items in a specific spot, out of reach of your daughter. I am not sure how old your daughter is, but if she is 4-6 (depending on maturity level), she should be able to understand her food allergy and be proactive herself. You might have to make a rule that she is not allowed to touch ANY food without asking first, or let her know which foods are unsafe right in the beginning.

I feel like a lot of our grandparents' and parents' generation pooh pooh our concerns - breast feeding, autism, allergies, etc - because these were issues that weren't as prevalent when they were raising kids. They had concerns that we don't now. But the ecology of our world and our knowledge of things are ever changing. I find that rather than accept my nephew's ADHD diagnosis, my parents would let him not take his medicine and try to fix him with discipline. It never worked, but they were sure they were right. That's what this sounds like - as if she's sure you're just blowing it out of proportion. Perhaps the suggestion that you can't come if the menu won't be nut free would help.

My daughter has several medical conditions. I often have those "what if" questions, those "should she be allowed to...?" kind of thoughts. I write them down and ask the doctor. I ask "if this were your child would you allow her to....". Sometimes my daughter's doctor reassures me that my concern isn't an issue, and sometimes he says "yes, that's really important".

So you might ask your daughter's doctor something like "is it dangerous for her to even be in the same room with a dessert containing nuts, with people who are eating the dessert, or is it ok if the dessert was prepared somewhere else and she simply does not touch that particular dessert?" Let the medical expert be your guide as to what is reasonable, what is imperative, what is crucial. And ask the doctor how to communicate to a family member what may be a confusing issue.

Might be a good idea to take grandma with you for your daughter's next pediatrician visit and have your pediatrician discuss the nut allergy to Grandma. Some people are just stubborn until they hear something from a professional.

I think you need to talk to her again. I know you've already said it (probably more than once), but it's obviously not getting through to her. Reiterate that your daughter can react from being near it, from being kissed by someone who has eaten it, from touching a doorknob after someone else, etc. Come up with some of the most mundane ways that she can react to it - how easy it is for her to be exposed - and how dire the consequences if this happens.

If you want to take it up another notch, you could refuse to let her serve the nut dishes that she brings. It might get the message through faster.

I agree that you can't expect people to change menus entirely on her behalf. However, nuts are pretty easy to avoid in most cases and her grandma, of all people, should easily be able to do that. My cousins just cooked an entire dairy free, egg free, nut free Thanksgiving for my son and that is not their normal way of life. I totally didn't expect them to, but they were more than happy to do it.

I would DEFINITELY have a talk with her--WITH your husband there. Explain to her in detail the seriousness of the allergy (remind her of the hospital trip), and ask her to explain just WHY she would risk HER GRANDDAUGHTER's life by bringing nuts to the family gathering. She either doesn't realize the seriousness, or she needs a swift kick in the you know what! You may have to remind her each and every time you get together, in order to get it through her thick, selfish skull. So sorry!

I'm guessing she like some in the previous generation, doesn't really believe in the severity of nut or other food allergies because they were so rare years ago. In all her years, she probably has know no one with life threatening food allergy issues, so she could have decided to not accept it. You know, maybe she's been making the walnut cake for 50 years, and bringing it around hundreds of people, and since no one's had a problem before, she isn't going to believe there's a possibility of a problem now. Or she could just really think that unless your DD touches a nut, she will be fine. Or she could think its just almonds. Or she could have completely forgotten about it. I would just ask DH to call and remind her before the next gathering to please not bring anything with nuts. She needs a reminder about how serious this could be.

Is her allergy such that being near/in same room w/ a nut will cause a reaction? or just if she either touches or ingests it?

If being in the same room/area with one will trigger the allergy you are not over reacting to grandma doing this. If she does have to touch it or ingest it, you might be overreacting a touch.

If she can be near but not come in contact with the allergen, it is reasonable to make sure that the whole family knows she has this allergy and any/all things containing nuts should be grouped together, away from other dishes so you can clearly point out items that are off limits to daughter.

If she can't be in the same area as a nut, you should let everyone know of the allergy and either host "nut free" gatherings and/or let everyone know that in order for you to attend their event, it has to be nut-free and if it won't be, you understand but need to know before you get there.

It's not overreacting. Several schools in my area(like the SELF school), have a nut free campus. It even says on the doors Nut free zone.

I encountered a girl at my son's old school(SELF) who was so allergic, that a person in the same room with her having a PB&J caused her to have an anaphylactic reaction. The new child's parent's were informed.

Inform her that you worry, and though you enjoy her desserts, you cannot have any of them with nuts here. It may have been an oversight on her part(you know how holiday baking goes).

I modify menus for everyone, all the time, and when I hang out with new friends for say lunch, I ask first off, "Any food allergies?"

I've encountered:
Gluten
Nut/legume
Corn
Pork
Shellfish
Dairy

I also tailor a meal plan for a day if a friend is Vegan. Korean food is very flexible for that one(and I'm glad I got so many recipes for everything from my Mother, and the knowledge that they are easy to adapt for Vegans).

I have so many friends with Corn allergies, I have eliminated most of it from my cabinets. I do keep corn meal for myself(I'm fond of Johnnycakes and my morning cereal with cranberries), but it's clearly listed, and I keep it out of the way. I've also modified my recipes to not use corn syrup(harder to work with, but possible).

Your husband needs to talk with her, as do you, in a non-Holiday setting about this. There is a misunderstanding somewhere, I'm sure.

Take care, and try to relax.

My first reaction to your question title is that YES! Most parents think their child is the first with an allergy and the world must conform to them. However, I do not think you are. I really tihnk your MIL could find other dishes to make for family gatherings if your daughter's allergy is that severe. And if she has seen what happens, wowza.

Maybe have hubby speak to her again about it.

If my child had a severe nut allergy, nothing with nuts would enter my home. Period. Someone bringing a cake made with nuts? I'd say, Oh, that is so kind, but we have a severe allergy in this house - we need you to leave it in the car.

Everyone coming to your home bringing food should know in advance - NO NUTS. Sheesh - even classrooms (maybe schools?) are nut-free when needed. At least maintain nut-free in your own home!

As for gatherings in OTHER people's homes - well, some will accommodate. Some won't. In our home we do respect guests allergies - but then, WE understand since some of us have allergies. And not just with foods. I once had a niece come over for thanksgiving. She has a SEVERE cat allergy. For 2 months prior to her coming, I kept my cat at a friend's house, and scrubbed down everything... even the walls of the house. I was so relieved that she did not react even after being in our home for hours.

And it was worth it. What price, whether in money or time, can we put on someone's health and life?

i love your reasonable attitude toward this.
i'm guessing that your MIL hasn't really grasped the import of the situation (as impossible as it sounds since she HAS witnessed it!)
can you take her out for tea and have a heart-to-heart?
'prunella, i'm so lucky to have you for a MIL. i know many women aren't as lucky as i! you are an awesome grandma and i know you adore petunia. i just want to discuss her nut allergy for a few moments. i know a lot of allergies just cause discomfort and are annoying, but hers is so very dangerous. your walnut cake is to die for, but in her case she really COULD die over it. in order for all of us to get to bask in the joy of getting to share our holidays with you, i'd love it if you could save your recipes with nuts in them for your other friends, and keep the menus that include our family nut-free.'
if that's not both courteous and up-front enough to get your point across without offense, i'm not sure what to do with her.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.

She may not realize it happens with all nuts.

I'm the one with a really bad nut allergy. My MIL and a couple of my SIL often "forget" but the reality is that over the past 20 years no matter how I explain it to them, they don't really understand this type of allergy. For what it's worth they don't understand my daughter's lactose intolerance either. It's like, "Oh, well, if you're exposed you can just take a medication to make it all better." Yeah, um, not really.

It makes events that she's hosting a little bit sticky. You have every right to remind her to go nut-free, but she has the right not to. But perhaps you should start hosting more often in order to have better control over what's served. If she brings something to contribute, ask for it to be nut-free since you have a nut-free household for the sake of your daughter and if she brings something with nuts anyway then you have the right to ask her to keep it in the car or you can accept it but bring it to work with you.

Maybe she did not realize your daughter did not have to eat the nut to be affected by them.. Did You ask your M.I.L. ? >>> I would talk to her... My kids do not eat pork my M.I.L. would never serve it to them...... But if she did. At that moment I would confront her.... I would not be mad not love her any less.. just find out WHY! ......If your Mom did it you would ask her why on the spot right? Then tell her to throw that... S#*^ away..

Would she be offended if hubby mentioned it

Wow it's not even like she has to modify an entire meal. She just has to leave out the nuts. I would for sure say something - that is just crazy IMO.

No you aren't over reacting. It be one thing if she brought over something and didn't know it contained nuts. That's an honest mistake. However bringing over a Walnut cake, knowing full well that her granddaughter can't eat it. Not sure if she just forgot, or thinks it was just the almonds that she is allergic too..

I would have your husband talk to her.

My son has severe nut and egg allergy. We discovered it when he turned one and ate eggs. I totally agree with you. My family has neen wonderful about accommodating him and his needs. Its a matter of safety nothing else. Sometimes I will remind the host before the event and ask what I can bring so that it eases their mind as well as mine. I always bring something safe just in case but have actually left parties or gatherings if it's not a safe place for him. It's tough but I would be upset too. My in laws brought over walnut cookies once and I had to address it with them. I was shocked and just couldn't figure out why or how they could do that. I stayed calm...on the outside and tried to be understanding. It never happened again bc I have made it clear that I will leave if I need to and I am very open about tye dangers of the allergy. I'm not rude about it I just remind everyone , tell them O know how difficult it is (which is so true) and offer to help with the menu. As far as bringing things in the house I usually send a reminder text before people come over. It seems to be helpful.
It is our job to protect our children. No one should get upset for you doing so. That's just you being a great mom! Good luck

Have you had a heart-to-heart with MIL? Have you told her what you told us? If not, I would. She should have some literature or info about your daughter's health and allergy so she can be reminded of how serious this is for your daughter. I am so sorry you have to deal with this!

My son has a lot of food allergies -- I make all his own food and take it whenever we go somewhere (of course he's disabled and can't chew well either, so most of it is prepared in the food processor). I barely remember all his allergies and I'm his mother -- there is NO WAY I expect our relatives -- even grandmas -- to remember everything he's allergic to.
For one, he's not the only grandchild.
For two, it's my responsibility to ensure that he doesn't have anything he shouldn't, it is NOT my mother's responsibility to simply not serve anything with dairy, peanuts, etc, when she is cooking for all of us.
Yes, my son's allergies ARE a big deal, but they're MY big deal. Give grandma and other people a break. If they're not used to dealing with it, then it's usually just an innocent thoughtless mistake. YOU and YOUR CHILD are most likely NOT the center of that person's world, the way your child may be to you.
Get over it, be polite, and just say "I'm sorry, due to XX's allergy we can't have this in the house. But thanks for the thought!"

I think your MIL is being ridiculous! My Mom has some dietary restrictions such as no chocolate, beans, fish and ground beef. She won't have a severe allergic reaction, but avoids these foods that could cause her psoratic arthritis to flare up. Anyways, when I know my Mom is coming over for lunch or dinner I make sure to serve something without these ingredients. I just feel like it is the polite thing to do. My kids even choose to have vanilla birthday cakes so Grammy can eat some cake too!

I had the same problem with my MIL with my daughter's tree nut allergy. I think that generation thinks our generation is just overprotective and overly paranoid about things. They think if they raised their kids a certain way and their kids are just fine, then they can do the same with no regard for you and your preferences as a parent. You and your husband need to clearly and bluntly explain to her that these may be small inconveniences for her (not making a cake with nuts, or in my case, not putting our bowls of nuts)but if not done, your daughter may actually die from it. It sounds harsh, but obviously she does not get it otherwise.