Loss of a Child - Concord,NH

Hi D.,
I want to start out by saying I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I couldn't ever imagine what you are going through. I can only share with you a story of someone that I loss. I have never loss a child but I did lose my older sister when she was 2 1/2 years old. She was the oldest of 3 girls (me being the youngest) I never had the chance to meet her and often wonder what kind of person she would have been like. My mom after 35 yrs is still trying to cope with her loss & will sometime cry for her. My Dad never talks about her unless I bring it up and if that's the case you can tell he can't talk about her. My dad was driving his truck down the driveway one night after getting done with working all day. My mom (being 5 mths pregnant with my other sister) and sister where outside playing and without warning my sister starting running towards the driveway to see my dad. My mother just wasn't quick enough to catch her. They rushed her to the hospital but it wasn't enough my sister died later on that day. I never understood why God took My Sister, My Mom & Dad's first child from us, but what I have learned is how to deal with the loss and the pain in my own way. After all they have been through I can tell you that they are the greatest parents and I am very lucky that they are my parents. As I read in a comment from Belinda she says "Believe me when I tell you, the hurt never goes away. But it doesn't stay with you the same way." That is the absolute truth. D., God Bless You and your family. Enjoy and take every moment for what it's worth being with your family and friends especially your other 2 boys! Because with the love and support that they give you that will help give you the strength you need to get through this difficult time.
S.-

Hi,
I am now a grandmother and great grandmother. Wfter my first three children ( which came yearly) I lost my fourth child, a son, right after birth. I loved him and still do. But my faith has helped me so much. You see, I know our Heavenly Father has him lovinly in His arms and that some say when I go to join them, I will see my son again. Several years later I was blessed with another daughter. But no matter how many children I have, there is always a spot that has been reserved in my heart for my Joseph.
Interestingly, my daughter recently gave birth to a daughter who looks just like my Joseph. She has the bright blue eyes and red hair that he had.
Time takes away some of the pain, but the longing lasts. But realizing that we are all promised an eternal home, I know that eventually I will see my son again and will continue the joy I felt at his birth.
Hope this helps. I spent a lot of time in pain with this issue, but the other children and their needs will help since it keep you busy. But do not stop loving this little one, for the love is eternal. If God's love can reach us from Heaven, why not our love for a child be able to reach him (or her).
Hope this helps.
Jan

Hi D.,
I have not lost a child, but I cared for 2 kids who passed as a RN. The loss of a child is the greatest loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. You may want to consider exercising/instructor to help boost your emotions!
There are grief support groups also. Get outside with your 2 boys and run. Enjoy what you have. Life is precious.
L.

i am an older mother who has lost two children, my daughter at age 36, my son at age 45, two years ago. i don't really belive it makes any difference at what age one's children die, the pain is the same. and the pain is unique to only parents, to only a mother. someone said the pain becomes gentler, softer, which i beleive, but at times it as just as though it were yesterday. now when i think of them i am able to counteract the sad thoughts with an image of them when we were together and happy what has saved me has been the re-awakening of my spiritual side, the feeling thaat i am not alone, that there is somewhere there who will help me get through the moment. i truly belive i will see my babies again, i truly feel their presence, sometimes with a special scent, sometime with a smile. it has taken a longtime toget where i am. the process will take the rest of my life. i hope your pain is gentler. it will happen. but you cannot do this alone. with love, judith

Dear D.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope I can be of some help to you. I lost my precious son age 17 on Oct. 28,2002 to a car accident. I've spent the past 5 years trying cope. Your loss is so recent you need to realize this takes time. Your two surviving children need you and so does your husband. it's okay to cry and scream and let it all out.
I went to a great grief counselor since my son's been gone. He listens when friends don't want to hear about it or understand my sadness and emptiness from my loss. People think you "get over" it, You don't. Take your time take baby steps and join Compassionate Friends if you can, either online or local support.
This is a journey of a life time and it's not easy.
I spent two year on anti-depressants and anxiety meds. I have never known depression but I was in the PIT for years and years. I'm just beginning to want to laugh and be with people but I still have those days. My son's birthday just past 2 weeks ago and i had a birthday party for him and i just sobbed for days. He would be 23 now and I miss him so much.
You need time D.. Please grieve openly and that's now and the healing or as i call it "coping" will begin but it's slow and it's a lifetime of learning.

Please feel free to email. I hope i can help you

Sincerely,
S.

Hello D.,
Sorry this response is a late one, but I did want to let you know that you will get through this. I have two children, but loss a daughter before that. I can tell you that one of the things that helped me most was keeping a personal journal of my feelings. I would write in it as often or as little I wanted, and it was just about how I was feeling, and sometimes it was just angry stuff. It really does help to be able to get some of those feelings out on paper. You said you have a good support system at home, and that is wonderful, because they will also help you to get through this. You will always have that heart ache, but you will heal as time goes on. Remember, you have wonderful children at home right now that need you to. They will also be your support system, kids do things to help us sometimes when we don't even realize it! It can be something as simple as a smile or a hug. Your child was sent to you for a reason, and you need to remember the time you did have with him and know that he will always be with you. I know it seems unbearable right now, but believe me, I am here to tell you that you will get through this. It may seem like a long road right now, but you will come through this grief and may end up helping some one else down this road from your experience.
I wish you comfort and strength, and will keep you and your family in my prayers. Take care.

Kris

D.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know your pain. I too have a lost a child (not the same way). The cause SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). She was 4 and a half months old. That was 17 years ago and I still have a hole in my heart. As I write this I have tears rolling down my face. I will forever miss her and never forget her. As I know you will feel the same way about your son. I can tell you that the main thing that got me through was my family, friends and time. I also tried to keep myself busy and went back to work after a couple of months (for my sanity). I also tried group counceling, meeting with other parents who were grieving from a loss of a child. I wrote a poem about my daughter. I visited her grave daily. I kept very special things of hers that I pull out from time to time. I talked to friends and family. Believe me when I tell you, the hurt never goes away. But it doesn't stay with you the same way. Life does go on. You'll have your good and bad days. But you will get through it. If you ever want to talk to anyone, feel free to email me: ____@____.com

There is a book that deals with this called, "Empty Arms"...it was years ago that I saw it, but am sure it is still out there.
I send hugs to you. Giving yourself a year of time to grieve is a time frame that will give you time to process and slowly get your life back to some sort of normalcy without having to hurry.

First of all D., my heart goes out to you!!! I am so sorry about your loss. I don't think anyone can relate with your pain except for the ones that have lost a child themselves. My cousin lost her son at birth 6 years ago. The cord was wrapped around his neck. Truely, I think she still struggles with the loss. She does the Walk To Remember every year in Peterborough. This walk is for everyone that has lost a child. It's a great walk. My cousins name is Donna, If you would like to e-mail her. Her email is ____@____.com She has more details on this walk if you would like to participate in this. I think it would do you good. Your other children can get involved as well. Good Luck D., I will pray for you.

Hi D., I am the mother of three also, one who passed away In march of 2002. I'd love to chat if your interested. It is so difficult to ride the roller coaster of gried. Life will never be the same but we do have to live for our other children. There will always be a vacant space in your heart that will never be able to be filled. Do what feels right, do whatever it is that makes you smile (if anything does right now, hug those two beautiful children you have and talk to others who have been there. It will make you realize how "normal" yor feelings are.

L. A

Your heart is broken. Such a loss is almost unimaginably painful. I'm sure the rest of your son's family must be in a lot of pain as well.
First, it is not surprising you are still in deep grief. Allow yourself your feelings. There are support groups out there of parents who have lost a child. See if you can find one.
Buy a journal and every morning spill out all your feelings onto the pages - grief - fear - anger -. Also, each morning, if you want to, list three things you are grateful for, such as your other two boys, your loving husband, your continued life...perhaps walking or other physical activity can release some of the feelings, as well.
Also, after a loss so great, sometimes it takes a little medical intervention to kick the brain chemistry back to where it belongs. Only a doctor knows if that would be helpful to you.
May your pain diminish a little each day.
Peace and love, Theresa W

D., I just read your story and it brought me to tears. I have two children at home both under the age of 15 months and I couldn't even imagine what you are going through. All I can say is definitely keep up your strength with the two wonderful boys you have at home and the support system. Things happen for a reason....we may not understand them fully and we may never get the answers but I'm sure he's watching over all of you and keeping you safe. God Bless! Keep your chin up and try to keep smiling every day...

D.,
You sound so brave and I know your heart is full of love for your family. The little guy you lost will be a hurt spot for all of you for a long time and you have my sympathy. It has taken decades to realize, face, honor, embrace, all the feelings about losing my second, still born baby. I now make space in my life for her birth/death day because trying to get by that spot in the calendar, and some surprise visits of grief, just takes some work and a little extra love. It's love for her, for me, and for those connected to us.
I have three other fabulous daughters. I cherish them all the more. Blessings on your journey.
L.

First of all I am so sorry. I could never imagine having to do something like that. I can tell you that I did deal with my husband being over seas for 18 months and had a very hard time dealing with him being away. That being said the best advice I can offer is to busy your self. Find a hobby or something you can do to get you out of the house. I busied myself with my home business. I started selling Tupperware so that I could meet new people and I wasn't sitting home dwelling. My heart goes out to you and your family and I wish you all the best!

A.

Hi D.-
I am sorry for your loss. I have to respond to your e-mail because I want to tell you my story. My son had cardiac arrest 36 hours after he was born. He went for at least twenty minutes without oxygen but was resuscitated. He was kept in the NICU for two weeks and we were told that he had a Fatty Oxidation Disorder call Glutaric Acidemia type two. I was told he had six months to live. They sent him home and told me to prepare for the end. His metabolic disorder makes it necessary to keep his blood sugar level up and to never let it get to a fasting level, that is why he had the cardiac arrest...he wasn't nursing properly and even though the nuses said it was okay he was a ticking time bomb. The state of Massachusetts NOW screens babies at birth for quite a few metabolic diseases (not when Austen was born), but there are so many rare ones that I have learned (that aren't screen for)... I hope that you get your answers from the CDC.
Needless to say, Austen made it through the early years against all odds. He is 11 years old now. The brain damage he suffered will never allow him to be independant. He has corticol blindness, mentally retarded as well as autistic. He has many food allergies and takes dozens of meds all day. I love him with all my heart, but my life will never be "normal"...I am always going to have this big baby to tend to. Sometimes things happen for a reason, and I'm sure you have been told that before and hate to hear it....but Austen was meant to live and although he wears me out he has taught me about patience and unconditional love.
I hope that you find some peace in your heart.

I lost a son when he was 5 weeks old from SIDS in 1991. Today is the 16th anniversary of his death. It amazes me that it's been that long, sometimes it feels like yesterday. I just joined this site 2 days ago, my best friend sent me a flower from this site it seems really nice. I came into work and opened my email today and found read your message. I was feeling really bad this morning because it was when I woke up in the morning 16yrs ago and found my son,it was too late to do anything for him. Of course I fell apart for a long time. I didn't have any other children or a reliable partner to help me through it but I did have family. I thank god for them! I never would have made it through like I did. I also went "somewhere" for counseling. I stayed in-patient for 30 days, at the time it was too much pain to bear. I had ALOT of intense counseling, medication and the love of family. I think we all handle things differently. I know today that you absolutely have to go through the pain and deal with it because if you don't then it'll hit you sooner or later and with support around you you'll get through it, you'll NEVER get over it but through it. I still have my break downs and negativity about it but I know someday I will see him again. Today I have two beautiful daughters, 14 yrs old and 7 yrs old. They help me everyday get through my hard times because I am SO grateful to be their mom. I have pictures around of their brother and they seem to understand what happened but I don't talk about him too much unless they ask about him. He is in my heart and always on my mind. You'll never forget him but time does make it a little bit easier to deal with. The pain will always be there and there will always be something missing but just know that for those few seconds or minutes and you were blessed with him in your life! You are also blessed with your other children.They need you also. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Take care of yourself!

D.,
I also want to offer you prayers in this very difficult time. I have a friend at work who lost her daughter to SIDS at 5 months old. One of the best things she did was join a group called Compassionate Friends. They are a great support group. I hope you find some comfort there or some other type of counseling as well as with your friends & family.

Dear D.,
Although I do not know you, I would like to offer my condolences and prayers to you and your family. I cannot imagine the pain you are all going through, and I know your baby will always be with all of you in your heart. I pray you can be strong for your family and you will all keep your baby in your hearts and acknowledge your grief. Allow yourself time to work through the shock, it won't be fast or come easily. Take it one day at a time and focus on your family and the love you have.
God Bless you all.

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. With three daughters of my own, I can only imagine what you're going through. The closest loss for me was a pregnancy in what we believe was the beginning of my 4th month. Sadly, I have friends who have lost their babies, and the path to peace is different for each of them.

For some, planting a special tree or flowering bush as a living memorial helps. For others, keeping a private blog or journal about the baby and getting feelings out helps. My MIL has a memorial mass every year at her church for the son she lost in 2000. We actually have a picture of my BIL with the Footprints poem written superimposed over the picture, in Italian hanging up.

I'm happy that you have your two older boys to help you find purpose. I hope that you are able to talk and grieve with your husband together. My only other suggestion is to get into counseling, even if it's individual. There are support groups that you could join as well, and I'm sure your OB/GYN or your PCP could refer you to some.

Dear D.,

I just read your story and I will tell you that there are many losses that we encounter in life but never is greater than the loss of a child.

Fist I want you to know that it would not be such a bad idea to join into some grief counceling. You must greive....if you do not and look for other things to take your mind off of your pain you will always be hurting. You must greive. You have suffered a loss and your loss may be different than the pain even your Husband is experiencing. Many time people who have suffered great loss look to many things to take away the pain and find in the end that it is still there.

Secondly I do not know where you are spiritually but I would like to ask you if you are a beleiver in God?

Please let me know. I am a beleiver and I know that my faith has brought me through many a hard times. I would like to share with you some things that I think will be helpful to you. Please let me know.

I have never gone through this (and I never have to) but I just wanted to tel you how truly sorry I am. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you are suffereing right. Please hang in there...my husbands cousin had a stillbirth at 8 months and I know it was very painful but within time she has been able to move on. My deepest sympathies to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!

Hi D.,

My first baby died shortly after birth. I made the decision during labor not to have any 'artificial' means keep my baby alive after birth. I made this decision after speaking with a Level 3 NICU MD. My situation is different than yours however I know exactly how you feel. There is nothing quite like loosing a child, and its something mother's shouldn't have to go through. It took me a long time to get back to 'normal'. I know right now you don't believe it but each passing day does get easier and life will be 'ok'. I found a lot of strength and support by going to SHARE meetings and the website www.nationalshareoffice.com. This year will be my baby in heaven's 8th birthday.

Please e-mail me if you ever need someone to listen... My heart goes out to you.

Becky

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. There is a group called "Mothers In Sympathy and Support" (MISS) that meets in Medford at the West Medford Congregational Church I believe. Sometimes their meetings are listed in the Medford Transcript under "Medford Family Network." You can also call the MFN to get details of when and where they meet: ###-###-####.

I hope you are able to find the support system you need. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Peace,

J

Dear D.,

About a year ago, my daughter Arianna was stillborn. We found out during labor and its been a pretty rocky road since then. I really feel for your loss and cant imagine the rollercoster ride your family has been on for the last 6 months. I think I might understand what you are saying about wanting a new challenge in your life- for me I am just not the same person I was before Arianna. My career- in ecology and conservation- does not hold the same passion as it use to. Now I am working toward my certification to become a doula- labor support professional. And that is very rewarding for me. I would love to talk to you more about your loss- over email (____@____.com) or we could get together in person for tea or coffee. Also, some others and I are talking about getting a group together for parents who have lost children- it would be right here in Camden. Is this something that might help you and your husband? Also, I wrote a blog that talks in more detail about my experience- www.avagoodale.blogspot.com It is intended to help others who have felt this type of loss. I would really love to connect more with you!

Much love,
A.

I have no experience with what you went through. But your story touched me. I wanted to share my deepest sympathies. There are some bereavement groups around, usually through the children's hospitals. Try them out, I'm thinking of you.