Yesterday my husband and I got in a fight (verbal over nothing important) and he was yelling at me, which rarely happens especially in front of the kids. But my sister who lives downstairs came up and told him to "shut up" and when he went to throw her out and shut the door, she hit him in the face. So he pushed her out the door and and when she didn't leave our porch he kicked her in the butt. She called the police who found no at fault since they were both involved. Let me say, this has NEVER happens in our home, and my husband and I do not have a violent relationship. My problem is that my children witnessed the whole thing, down to dad smashing the phone to bits throwing it at the wall while my sister yelled threats at him about being arrested among many other things. My husband finally left and my 8 year old daughter cried and asked if dad "left-left or he's coming back". The more upset she got, the more my 4 year old son got. This AM I found a note in her room saying "Dear God, I hope dad will be OK." Um, we aren't that religious but how helpless she must have felt to write that. She says she's fine and doesn't want to talk to anyone, but I don't think so. And my son got upset at school today and threw his work down and slammed a door so hard all the letters popped off of it (not like him). What can I do to help them through this. Since the whole family got involved in this one, they are too biased to be helpful. I can't afford private couseling, are there other resources anyone knows of? Or thoughts on how I can/should talk to them?
My "So What Happened" has disappeared! I wanted to thank anyone who responded and now that it has been a year since this event AND we have not had even close to a reapeat I think my chilren have recovered well and I appreciate all the advise that helped me get them to that point.
Once he crosses that line it will never be the same. You just can't go back. I was married before to a very abusive man. Don't think for ONE second that this is an isolated ONE TIME incident. This is the beginning of the end. Sorry to say. Please remember that a child would rather be FROM a broken home than RAISED in one.
So much love and best wishes to you.
Me and my husband went through some similar situations. Is there counseling available you as well through his insurance? I included a link to where me and my husband go for a sliding scale. We pay $40 a session, and went twice a month at first, then once a month. We are not violent either. If my family had seen us, they would have called the cops too. That would have been a big mess that perhaps we never would have recovered from. One thing me and my husband have worked out is that when he is angry he'll let me know in a polite way (though it can be tough), that he needs time alone. It's when he doesn't have that moment, or hour, or whatever to think that drives him to blow up.
Your sister should have minded her own business. She should not have told your husband to "shut up" and she should not have laid a hand on him. Of course he should not have kicked her in the butt, but I can understand why he did it. The only thing your sister should have done was to offer to take the kids with her somewhere so that you and your husband would have a chance to cool down and discuss things in a calm and rational manner. As for counseling, if you belong to a church they may offer marriage counseling.
HI K.,
If this truly is an isolated incident, just talk to your kids with your husband, and to your sister without him. Show your kids by the way you act to eachother that love and forgivness is at work. They may very well remember this (because it is rare in your home), but at this point I wouldn't get involved with counseling...just show them how adults really deal with anger and resolution so they can learn how to act when they are in a similar situation. Admit your mistakes to them and ask their forgivness for exposing them to this type of thing. With your sister, if she won't listen, bounderies have to be set, because a relationship is between husband and wife, and that type of "help" only escalates the situation. Of course, if he lifted even a finger towards you or your kids, seek help...right away, and get some friends (not necessarily mom or sisters or any family as it might prjudice them) busy praying for your family, you would be amazed at how that helps mine!
The fact that your daughter wrote a letter to God is a good thing. She knows who she could go to when she needs comfort. Unfortunatly lot's of couples blow it,make sure u and your husband explain to ur children that you are sorry and that you acted in anger and it was wrong but reasure them that you love eachother and u made a mistake. Your sister should not have gotten involved regardless. She's lucky ur husband didn't knock her out.Seriously it could have been much worse.
Dear K.,
This is a tough one. You need to remain calm and listen to the children, and listen for when they want to talk about it. Since your daughter brought up the prayer, maybe that would help you too. I hesitate to tell you to do something, so this is just a suggestion. Sit down and read quietly to the children, then talk calmly about how you feel about what happened. Ask them if they want to say a prayer for help from God. I know that my husband and I did not argue in front of the children, but there was a lot of underlying anger in him and he spoke disrespectfully to me, and it hurt my relationship with my son. Hard things happen, don't they?
I keep saying this, but stay calm and pray and listen for guidance. Sincerely, C. N.
Your childrens schools have wonderful councilors available and best of all, THEY'RE FREE! :) I hope that this helps a bit.
K.,
I feel badly for you because you are in a predicament. However, I would definitely talk to your kids and offer some sort of reassurance that they are loved, and make them feel secure. Because it seems to them right now that there whole world as they knew it just fell apart right in front of them. I would definitely seek counseling, as your kids will need it. And although it is not a regular occurance, obviously it has affected them by what you are saying in your letter.
Some churches do offer counseling services, with their parish priest free of charge. As for other places, I don't know of any offhand. But I would look into getting some kind of help, as it has affected the balance in your family.
I wish you the best of luck in this, and hope that this will pass quickly for your families sake and never happen again.... God Bless!
These types of incidents can have serious effects on kids. There are many non profit counseling services that offer low cost to free counseling. Google domestic violence agencies and your city or county. In oceanside there is North County Lifeline, The Eye, Women's resource center, and one other that I can't recall. More importantly, is to figure out how to protect your kids and offer them a safe and healthy environment. It does sound like your husband has some issues that are hard for you to take a look at. Maybe it would help if you went to counseling with your kids and husband. I hope your commitment to making this better for the kids works out.
Hi K. -- I read all the responses. First, it must have taken quite a bit a courage to tell your story and seek help. Well done on confronting it. Things like that happen to the best of us. I just joined mamasource so am just now getting familiar with the site.
How are things now? I have a solution to make sure your kids have no lingering ill effects from the fight. Usually kids get sick after mom and dad fight.
Are things all resolved now? Thanks, K. S.
K.,
I really believe that if this never happens, then your children should see each of you apoligizing to each other (at least your husband and your sister). Then you should, with your husband, sit down with your kids and explain how what happened is wrong and ask them to express their feelings. Then discuss ways to prevent this from happening and/or the correct way to handle a problem. Just a suggestion
Why don't you try leaving (M.I.A.) missing in action for a week or what ever time you can leave. It gonna be hard for you but you need to stay stroooong for YOURSELF first then your kids, try to IGNORE him if you can and not dispute back with him if you can. And ALWAYS THINK & BE POSITIVE KAY!!!!!!!:-)
I would suggest sitting down you , dad, and kids and discussing tempers, how they get out of control sometimes and the things that we can do to avoid having things go this far. Having everyone there I think is the most essential part. Let the kids ask all the q's they want and be open and honest with them!! We all make mistakes and I think everyone lets their temper get the best of them from time to time, talking openly about it will help to instill an idea of openess in your children and hopefully rid them of and guilt or shame they might be bottling up. Good Luck!!!!!!
Believe me, there's NO judgement in what I'm gonna say. First you and hubby, probably your sister too, need to talk ALONE and figure out together how in the world you're going to explain this to your kids. At 4 and 8 they aren't dumb, they need you all to apologize to them and each other. Fortunately, kids are easy and bounce back quickly if you all handle it quickly and sincerely. At the very least, let them know this was how NOT to fight and hug them and let them share how you broke their little hearts and then fix it! Promise and MEAN it, that it will never happen again. Obviously the teachers may need an explaination, but they will be understanding if this is not a pattern. They may even counsel you a little for free
Yikes K.!
I'm so sorry about all of this. I would suggest talking to the kids' teachers about what went on - embarassing as it may be - but they may be able to help. If your kids aren't very fond of their teachers maybe you could talk to the school counselor or even the principal. They don't want to talk about all of this because it's confusing and hurtful to them but they NEED to. Good luck to you and your whole family. And don't beat yourself up, CRAP happens!
Good luck!
V.
Hi,*Ü*
I had this problem before, but it was more than once, and I had to realize how in mature I was and it wasn't fair fo rme to put my kids through this, Isat them down to tell them sometimes mommy's and daddy's don't always agree on things and sometimes things get out of hand unexpected. and not to worry that we will calm down and things will be fine, and it had nothing to do with them, at all!!! just so they know they didn't cause it or there was nothing they could have done, it was just a bad day and people are entitled to have their off days, and promise it won't happen again, there comes a time in life you have to realize what kids see and how they will react to it, and what kind of effect is it going tohave on you, and when they told me they felt sad and unwanted, I had to come to a decision, that it was not worth me putting them through it or put myself through it, I can always upset myself and there were other things that canupset me, but to argue and fight with their dad just wasn't worth their hurt feelings and un answered questions, that if I just made sure they knew I loved them very much and as always there for them they would feel alot better, well things have calmed down and have been for a few years, it is the way we handle things is whats important, we can't allow ourselves to overreact to things and let those we love see it or be caught in the middle of it, I hope things work out for the best, and good luck to you and your family!!
*Ü*
dee
It sounds to me like a lot of boundaries were crossed on both your husband's part and on your sister's. I will say that I am concerned that both your husband and your sister did all this in the presence of the kids with no reserve. Smashing property and getting physical is very scary to a young child, especially when it involves two people they look up to. See if your insurance might cover some counseling, for those kids probably could use at least a session. And your husband and sister sound like they could use a dose of anger management, for this got a little too out of control. At the very least, make sure that you and your husbnad sit down with your children to talk about what happened that day, and listen to them so that they have a chance to talk about their feelings on it.
Good luck!
K.,I actually witnessed a lot of this sort of thing growing up, and it does do some damage, emotionally to children. I recommend that you seek some professional help, even if only one family counseling session, or group anger management. As long as you all sit down with the kids (make them feel safe to talk freely) and talk (not argue) about the incident (talk to them like adults, trust me the will understand). It will be ok if all the adults explain that sometimes when you are really mad you loose control, but it does not mean that it was ok for it to happen, and try to work out some sort of deal or arrangement with the kids and other adults,such as, if I feel I am too angry to control my actions I promise to count to 100 and take a walk around the corner. It will show the kids how to properly deal with anger and also may teach the adults to have a little time to themselves until they can talk together and resolve the issue in a proper manner. Otherwise your children will begin to act out in school on a regular basis, and begin to have fits of anger and rage themselves. Your daughter especially will begin to have a "victum" complex if she is around it enough, which can lead to her growing up and invloving herself in abbussive relationships. I know this sounds scary but it is a reality. I have gone thru 4 years of consuling and victumization groups and let me tell you if my parents had just talked to me and tried to control themselves it would've made things a lot easier for my siblings and I.
Hi K.,
I'm sorry all that happened, you must be feeling pretty frazzled and worried...
Well, first things first...just because you're involved in the incident, doesn't make you incapable of soothing the children.
Seeing family fights or hearing harsh words thrown around is not fun or healthy for children, but it doesn't have to be detrimental to them. Especially since, as you mentioned, this type of thing never happens in your home. Sit them down for a family meeting...have your husband present. (Assuming that he did, in fact, come home.)And just start out by being very open and honest with them.."Mom and Dad want to talk about the fight that happened here the other night..." Reassure them that this was a grown up thing that happened and none of it was their fault. Make sure that the both of you are being reassuring and honest.
Let the kids ask questions...nothing is off limits...if they want to ask why dad kicked their aunt, be prepared to answer with honesty and without getting thrown or upset by the question.
Also point out that some of your behaviors, even as adults, were inappropriate. "Mommy yelled at Daddy and told him to shutup, that wasn't very nice and I shouldn't have done it, I'm sorry honey.." Stuff like that...
If the kids see that you and your husband are loving and apologetic to one another, and they are able to ask questions and get answers, I'm certain things will calm down.
I hope it all works out for the best.
Good luck to you.
Talk to your kid's school. No need to go into detail with them but ask the teachers if they can refer you to a school counselor. Every school in the state of California is required to have a therapist with a Phd. It is free and you get the same services as private because the bulk of these therapists do have a private practice.
Another thing you may want to try (we tried it with my oldest son who had anger problems due to similar things happening with his dad) is cut out a bunch of papers like bricks. Your children and your husband (let him take the lead on this so they can see it was wrong) and write down feelings about the event. Stack the papers on the floor like a house. Start at the top and talk about each feeling, show compassion for it and work through it. Tell your children not to remove it until they are ready.
Your husband needs to talk to them and tell them how his actions were wrong, and they were. Although I understand completely, fact remains that your children will now believe this behavior to be ok and try and imitate it.
Hi K.. I completely agree with Melissa in saying that your sister needs to keep her business seperate from yours. It seems like she is the one who esclated the problem.
You need to be honest with your children. Don't try to act like this is going away. I would suggest that you and your husband need to sit them down and talk. Maybe you could tell them that you guys lost your temper and did some bad things. Tell them that you are very sorry they had to see it. Let them know that you and your husband have made up. Maybe some PDA are in order.
You and your husband hit a tight spot. Nothing important enough to upset your kids further than already have. Let them ask you guys questions about it. These are just suggestions. I hope you can find a way to deal with this yourself. But I definatly think you should be honest. Your 8 year old is old enough to understand completely what is going on. You don't want to lie to him in any way.
Good luck with this K.. I'm sorry your kids had to go through this. You did say it doesn't happen, NEVER, so maybe it wouldn't be too hard to fix, you know? Good luck and God be with you. Best Wishes, T.
I'd just like to say good for you being open enough to ask. Most wouldn't and I gaurantee tons are reading and watching.
I'm not going to tell you what you did wrong or what happened was wrong. You know. Hopefully others won't come on here just to point out all the mistakes. I do have to say that sister of yours needs to stay out of it because she clearly did not have your children's best interest at heart when she made it her business. She elevated an already elevated situation and hopefully she won't make it a habit to jump in for the sake of you kids. Good luck with that by the way.
I can't say that I know of any resources of hand but since you do recognize there is a problem, I would do searches on web pages like Dr. Phil for Dr. Keith Ablow. Both are very generous with advice and support.
What they saw did effect them no matter what they say. I know first hand having been through a child hood where what you described was normal. I think you should offer to pray with your daughter for a solution to this. It's obviously a solution she's found that is bringing her comfort and she may need this from you. Talk to you sister. Tell her to stay out of it and once you do, tell your kids that she won't be coming up here to do that again. Give them something to trust in that it won't get to that point again. Then let them be for a while and check on them with love and kind words of encouragement. They may just need time to heal and forget.
Mel.
K.,
I hope you found the answers you had wanted.
I wanted to say that I agree with Katrin T on the fact that you should not blame your sister. If you choose side it can hurt your whole family. I think In the best interest of the entire family, every one should get together and apologize to every one else and say why what they did was wrong. If they don't want to do this than you should find the free counseling to help you and your kids work through this hard time.
I went through this quite a bit with my daughter when she was an infant, only I didn't have some one who would be able to defend me right down stairs, my family would have if they lived close. But some times every one just needs to apologize to correct an little issue which can escalate and become the destroyer of the family. I did get counseling and It was the absolute best thing I ever did for my self in my life as a mother.
Best wishes and good luck.
...I am ambivalent about the whole "God" thing, BUT I do believe in the strength people get from "prayer"...I DO NOT go to church, but, I know that priests, rabi's, ministers, pastors, etc, they councel for free. Maybe if there is a church or religious organization that you do like or believe in, maybe she will find solace in someone there?
Reassurance of your love with your husband will help, too maybe. Tell her how much you love daddy and that sometimes grownups act mean, or naughty (whatever words you prefer), and that it doesn't mean they don't still adore eachother. Acknowledging their feelings helps too, and reassurance reassurance reassurance! I hope some other mothers have kind words for you. If you adore these kids, your heart will tell you what is best. I also believe that unless your husband was physically violent to you, your sister owes you all a big apology. it was none of her concern. If the kids were an issue, she should have taken them for a walk. Adults fight/argue its HUMAN nature, try as we might, sometimes the kids are there. She sounds like she completely exascerbated the situation, and especially owes your husband an apology.
It sounds like everyone needs to appologize to each other, including to your kids and make sure that it never happens again. I remember when I was in Jr. High I remember my grandfather getting mad at my grandma. He started throwing things. I had never ever seen him do that in my life. Although I had seen him lose his temper,I had not seen him lose it that way before. I was traumatized. I remember my grandma coming and talking to me to soothe me. I think if my grandfather would have come to appologize for his behavior, it would have made things a little better and to explain that sometimes people argue.
If there is a school counsler or a local church, community center or something that has counslers see if you can use them. Your family NEEDS to talk about this and resolve the issue. You also need to let your sister know that her behavior was completely UNACCEPTABLE and she should stay out of family arguments in the future. Your husband has every right to make her leave his/your house and she had no right what so ever to hit him. You now get to deal with the fallout of violence in your house. Your childern do not know how to deal with this on their own and NEED outside help.
