Just Asking General Questions

Hi Ilia,

First, I am so so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for you. You are a courageous woman to be looking to the future - that takes more strength than you probably realize.

I, too, have found myself struggling with desires for baby #2. Last September, I had an early miscarriage and have been unable to conceive again since. My initial reaction was, of course, to try and get pregnant again right away. Unfortunatetly, my body was not cooperating. After 6 or 7 months of trying and failing, I started to fall into a depression. I found myself wallowing in self-pity and wondering what was wrong with me and my body. I struggled for control and became so focused on trying to get pregnant that my whole life began revolving around it. It seemed that's all I could think about, read about or talk about. I would build my hopes up every month, thinking "this month will be the one!" Then my spirits would come crashing down the day my period arrived and I would cry for hours and hours. I was on an emotional roller coaster and the only way I thought I could get off of it was to get myself pregnant. It was putting a strain on my marriage, my friendships, and my self-esteem.

The final blow for me came the day my best friend told me she was pregnant with her second baby. She got pregnant the first month she went off birth control and began trying. This news threw me even further into my depression. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was so wrought with emotion, I couldn't see or think clearly - my thoughts were all over the place. I was happy for her! But was also angry with her - I am ashamed to admit I even had thoughts of "how could she do this to me?" Then, of course, I carried tremendous guilt for having had these feelings. And I beat myself up internally for clearly being a bad friend. I was mad at God and the world for treating me so unfairly. I didn't understand - what had I done to deserve this? What was wrong with me? Why was this happening to me??

It's true what they say - it's always darkest before the dawn. It was in this moment that I realized something had to change. My desire to become pregnant had taken over. It had begun to overshadow all of the things that made my life so wonderful as it was. I have a terrific husband and the most beautiful 2 1/2 year old daughter. I have awesome friends, and a great best friend whom I was neglecting. I have a home that I love, family that I adore, a thriving business, an active social calendar - and a life that I realized suited me just perfectly as-is. Once I began really taking stock in these things, I realized - if this is all that I ever have, than I'm ok with that. In fact, I am more than ok - I'm actually happy!!

It didn't happen overnight, but once I started to accept the possibility that I might never become pregnant again, the world opened up to me. I actually started having fun again! I started sharing in my best friend's baby joy as I should! I began truly treasuring all the moments I'm blessed to have with my daughter as I watch her grow. I returned to enjoying long talks with my husband over glasses of wine, having discussions that revolved around things like politics and sports, not pregnancy and my menstrual cycle. I began to embrace all of the things I can do with my daughter and relished the fact that she can continue to have my undivided attention. I have nourished our bond and have made it stronger with each passing day that she remains my only child. In essence, I relieved myself of the pressures to have two children, and started imagining where my life would go should I only have one. I realized that my future is pretty bright - with or without baby #2.

I'm not sure if any of this is helping or giving you any hope! But I can tell you that for me, remembering there is so much more to who I am than just being a mom is what saved me from my own struggle with this issue. I would, of course, still love to have a second child - and I haven't given up trying. But I've stopped basing my whole life around it. I've started focusing on the things I can control - the type of wife that I am, the kind of mother that I am, and the kind of friend that I am. I don't know how long I'll be lucky enough to live on this Earth, and if I die tomorrow I want to have loved living the life that I have instead of wishing for a life that I don't.

Best of luck to you!! And keep this in mind - we are always where we are supposed to be. You are being prepared for the next great thing! And life wants us to enjoy the ride : )

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope for whatever reason your son passed it was so that he did not have a lifetime of suffering with any health problems. The higher powers work in mysterious ways!! The best advice anyone can give to you is to replace any negative thought immediately with a positive one. It takes practice but it works. Focus on what you can do now to better prepare yourself for a second child. Focus on the positive things, you have a little more freedom than you would if you had an infant around. Take a weekend trip (a cheap one) even camping, do things you wouldn't be able to do with a small baby that would restrict you. Beach trips, amusement parks, steer all that energy to your child that is here. It will make you both happy.
I lost 2 children in earlier miscarriages, but too dealt with the urge to want another right away when I couldn't because of my husbands job. I tried to channel that energy and sadness into seeing the positive things in not having a baby right now. Having a glass of wine, going for a jog and fitness, taking long bike rides, going on roller coasters or carnival rides with my 9 year old, maybe squeezing in a small weekend getaway. All things I wouldn't or couldn't enjoy as much if i were pregnant. It helped me big time. Then when it came time to try for another baby I was actually hesitant!! I was enjoying myself so much not being preggo that it really stuck. I knew that the time would come and I was only harming myself and my daughter with the sadness and anxiety of it all when I could've been having fun. You are only here on this earth once....don't spend anymore time regretting, depressed, longing, or despondent. you'll get through it if you take control of your feelings :) that pain doesn't go away, but your perspective can change how you look at things. Best of luck and keep your chin up, the time will come for you to have another child! Just know it will happen.

Although grief is a process that requires some passage of time my best advice is to look into Emotional Freedom Techniques. It is being taught & used at hospitals like Swedish Covenant & Resurrection to alleviate all kinds of issues. I have used this tool to overcome countless challenges. You can learn more about using EFT for emotion clearing on the emofree.com website & I am happy to answer any questions you might have.

fill your spare time with things to do with our daughter. imagine you had lost her and all the things you would have done if she were here.....now open your eyes and do them with her. nothing takes away the pain, but time can heal you and its hard not to be happy when around children. good luck

I am praying for you, the emotional pain will go away eventually. I lost a child in my eighth, month, nine years ago. What helped me get through the pain was talking about it with my husband and sharing my feelings about loosing a child. Focusing on your daughter even more will also help ease the pain. You will get to the point that you will look back on the traumatic experience and smile about that whole situation.

Pray, pray, pray and ask for strength to get through what you HAVE to go through. I too suddenly lost a baby at 20 1/2 weeks. I was absolutely devastated and I cried for 4 months. I was unable to conceive until I was able to move forward in my life. I finally conceived 6 months later, and my daughter is almost 8 years old, but I am still saddened by that loss, which will be 9 years on 8/1.