Joining Two Families with Children.

HI M.,

YOU DIDN'T SAY IF THE HIS CHILDREN WILL BE LIVING WITH U, OR JUST VISITING ON WEEKENDS, BUT IF THE CHILDREN ARE GOING TO LIVE WITH YOUS FULL-TIME. YOU MUST FIRST TREAT ALL CHILDREN EQUALLY. THEY MUST KNOW TO IF YOU SAY NO, HE CAN'T TURN AROUND AND SAY YES, THE SAME FOR YOU. WHEN ME & MY NOW HUSBAND LIVED TO TOGETHER AT FIRST I HAD 5 CHILDREN , HE HAD 1 CHILD THAT CAME ON THE WEEKEND, WHATEVER I BOUGHT MY CHILDREN SOMETHING AND I KNEW HIS DAUGHTER WOULD LIKE IT, I BOUGHT ONE FOR HER FOR WHEN SHE CAME ON THE WEEKENDS, IT MIGHT NOT BE ALL PEACHES & CREAMS, BUT IF YOU WORK AT THINGS WILL WORK OUT, JUST DON'T LET THE CHILDREN TURN YOU AGAINST EACH OTHER, THAT HAPPEN ONCE AND WE REALIZED THAT, AND WE WOULDN'T DISCUSS ANYTHING IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, MY SON THOUGHT HE WAS SLICK, BUT WE CAUGHT ON FAST, WE BEEN TOGETHER NOW 17YRS HAVE 8 GRANDCHILDREN AND WE ARE VERY HAPPY HE TREATS MY CHILDREN LIKE HIS OWN.

hi,
My husband and I have been together for 8 yrs and we have raised 7 children together I had four and custody he had three and custody We all moved in together It was at times more then I thought we could handle however it can be done. the children all need to know that this is a family not a step family Our saying was the only steps in this family are the ones that lead downstairs you and your mate need to know that they will try to divide you and make you think the other is unfiar. I fell for this one for a few yrs thought he was unfair to mine it was not ture but i thought it was til I saw what my kids where doing first hand. just know that it all works if you are a team children will grow and leave the nest they move on and have thier own lives. As my oldest did ( one prefect grandbaby here) stay a team and you will get threw it all

Hi,
I would suggest to take all kids on a play date- so Parents n kids can interact with one another's kids as well as all together in different activities. Movie night, slumber party, ice skating, laser tag, snow tubing - are just examples to try.
Also trying for everyone to sit down and discuss what the kids would like out of this....OPEN COMMUNICATION is the key!!!

Hi M....

Well, we don't have as many children as you two do, but our situation is similar. My boyfriend is my 2 year old daughter's biological father, and he also has a 5 year old from a previous marriage. We just recently bought a house together, and the 5 year old is with us 50% of the time. She's gone through some major jealousy issues, but thankfully, accepts me and is learning to accept her little sister. It wasn't easy AT ALL, at first...and I'll admit, I wasn't used to a 5 year old's tantrums! Each time she's with us, though, I can feel it getting a little better. I'm sorry to say that I can only tell you that it takes time. Time, time and more time. Depending on your children's ages, I agree with previous people, go do fun things together, that everyone can participate in. Just try to make everyone feel as comfortable as possible...

Hope that helps somewhat...best of luck to you! : )
A.

Hello M.,
Ok well I kind of understand what you are going through, my girlfriend just went through the same thing 2 years ago and it's not going soo well, my suggestion to you is sit down with your boyfriend and discuss how you plan to disapline the children and also, you need to make sure that everyone gets treated the same way not one child should be left out if someone is going to get a candy bar or something to that effect, also you should both talk to your families and tell them that you are going to be treating each others children as your own, that is the only way that i think it could work out, I mean my girlfriends boyfriend tries his best but it's not going so well because his mother doesn't consider my girlfriends son her grandchild and this past january his mother got him a mouse pad for the computer with only his children on it and not my girlfriends son and that really hurt my girlfriends son, he is only 10 and his father is a drunk and doesn't spend too much time with him at all so this really hurt him because he looks to my girlfriends boyfriend as a father figure and then his mother does things like that, so i have seen that if people aren't totally agreed on things that go on in the house it can be a diaster, you just need to sit down and talk about how you each raise your childern and come up with house rules for everyone and a pushment to follow through onand write it down on a big poster board and post for the childern to see and if they can't read then you both read it to them. I hope that this helps out a bit
Good Luck
S.

The only advice I can offer you is something I read in an article about step-families. It stated that the discipline for each child needs to come from the biological parent. That's not to say that his children shouldn't respect you or abide by your rules, or vise-versa, but that when it comes down to discipline, that needs to come from the biological parent, while the other one is present to silently support the decision and to be supported by the other parent to the child, so that each child knows that each parent has the right to parent accordingly.

I hope that makes sense. Best of luck with your relationship, and with blending your two families as one.

Blessings,
Rolinda

Hi M.!
I divorced six years ago. I have two children with my first husband. Then married a man with no children and had two more with him. That wasn't bad at all...the older two accept the younger two as their own siblings. However, the older two have a hard time accepting discipline from my husband. They have a father who is very involved, also remarried to a woman who had three children to her previous marriage. That is where the problem comes in. In that house, it is divided. He takes care of his children and she takes care of her children. So when it comes to discipline, it's not "team-work" in the other household, making it hard for my husband to be able to discipline in our house. It is really a sad situation that my children have to live that way in the other home, but there is nothing I can do about that. We try to do everything together (when I have them - 50%). Even when I don't have them, we invite them and give them the opportunity to join us...that way they can't say we only do things when they aren't with us!
So, my suggestion is to do everything as a "team". Sit down with the children and explain that this is now one family and that everyone has responsibilities in the home. Encourage family discussion and family time! Until the children get used to the other step-parent, I do suggest the biological parent disciplining the serious issues. I always say, "Your step-dad and I will discuss your punishment," so that they see that parenting is team-work. It is also very important to make it a rule that everyone uses manners with eachother, to respect one another. You will have a large family now and that will keep things somewhat under control.
I hope I have helped you. Feel free to message me any time!
A. :)