Issues with My Hubby Being the Stay at Home Parent

A couple of things that might help. My husband is also home days but he works evenings and is in school half-time, so he "works" 2 full-time jobs (child care, 1/2 time work, 1/2 time school) and I do the same--work days and watch the kids when I'm home. Our only family day home is Saturdays. I still am driven insane by the house and sometimes by my kids diets (I don't think they know what lunch is if it is not PB&J sometimes) but I am also exhausted by the housework on top of everything else. I was frustrated that the kids would watch a lot of tv when I was at work, but on rainy days they go nuts stuck inside, etc.

Some things that helped:

Offer to set meals and snacks up ahead of time. (I did not want to take the time to do this, but said something about making healthy food handier for meals if it was set out, even if it just meant a cup of diced fruit was in the fridge by the sandwich bread and milk as a reminder.)

I had to learn to relax about the house (a bit). Try sitting down and making a priority list. Your priorities with house work are not your husband's. What are the top five things that make you nuts when you get home? Dishes? Wiping off the dining table? Smelly trash? The litter box? Tissues all over the coffee tables? (this is sounding like my house now...:) Tell him that if he and your child can start making a habit of doing a 10-minute overhaul right before you get home, it would mean a lot to you and you could relax and enjoy your time home a bit more.

Decide what major cleaning must be done and how often. I can't remember the last time our bedroom was clean--we don't hang out there, entertain there, or eat there, so it is no longr a priority (I wish it were, but...). Our priorities for health and safety reasons are vacuuming our living areas, washing dishes, mopping the kitchen, and wiping down the downstairs bathroom at least once a week. Pretty pathetic and basic, but it makes life livable. I HATE seeing empty boxes on the counter, or grocery bags on the table, but I am learning to just pick them up and move on.

We have been doing this schedule since before having our now 3 1/2 year old and to be honest I still get cranky and frustrated over the house and the kids sometimes. I have to step back and remind myself that most dads aren't watching their kids full-time and doing everything else he's doing. You are working more hours than I do, so you do need to designate a few tasks specifically, but if it is something he doesn't even see needing to be cleaned, you are not going to get him to do it regularly. You've got some negotiating and compromising ahead of you, but it can be done.

Oh, and our kids are still on a late-to-bed, late-to-rise schedule since my husband's work shift ends at 11, so 12:30 a.m. is pretty normal in my house, but they are getting plenty of sleep. Is he sleeping late enough and they are just on a late-to-rise schedule? Anyway, kids are, thankfully, adaptable! :)

Someone asked a question like this recently...a guy answered and suggested that the wife spell out exactly what needs to happen with the home and child. You could leave a list of meal ideas, or maybe even do some prep of meals before you leave - would take work for you, but might be worth it to come home to ore order! I think you'd want to do that nicely and respectfully, but it's possible that your hubby just doesn't realize what needs to be done. Maybe approach it from the side of "I feel that..." to put things on yourself. Maybe even suggest that your husband would be able to get a lot more done if your son was having more regular sleep - that might be appealing!

Good luck!

So been there when my husband became the SAHD and I was at work typically 60-80hrs weeks.

I agree with Rebecca. Men and women think differently and therefore see things differently. They are happy to help and do what is needed - they just don't see what we do. If you sit down and talk about what his schedule is likefor each day and what can be expected to be done with the house and your son, that will help you both be on the same page.

Since you have been at home with your son, you may know some 'tricks' or things that work better when your son is having a bad day. Share these with him. Keep the door open of being available for advice if he has challenges balancing his responsibilities.

Think of what are the real priorities vs simply 'how you like things done'. Make sure that even with it spelled out, that you set realistic expectations within yourself of how well you expect him to complete these things the first few weeks. Remember it's just like being at a new job - it takes some time to get it. =-)

Good luck!

If he is doing a masters degree in one year, he currently has more than a full-time job. Taking care of a small child and running a household is also a full-time job. That he is not doing well with the child and the household is evidence of this. Hopefully, he is doing better with his schoolwork. I am currently a PhD student and can truthfully say that when I am studying intensely, I am not capable of caring for children and running an efficient household at the same time. You need to change your expectations of what he can do, even though he is physically at home. There are a number of good suggestions below. Use them. And realize that in working h*** o* his program he is not short changing you.

I'm in the same boat, my husband is a SAHD right now and is in school. This was not our desired set up, but such is life right? For myself I just had to try to adjust my attitude about the whole thing and first of all be thankful that my son (just over a year now) was even able to be home with a parent...
What I told my husband was that I could let a lot of filth go, so long as the kitchen was clean. I feel like the whole house is cleaner when just the kitchen is clean. (That's not to say I like the other junk everywhere, but we're making compromises.) So, even if the rest of the house is a wreck, my husband makes it a point to pick up the kitchen before I come home everyday. So you need to pick your minimum standard and voice that, and then be okay with that. (easier said than done I know)
As for the food stuff I make some food ahead of time, and make suggestions and show him where it is in the cupboard or fridge etc.
Otherwise I would pick your battles, chances are you husband isn't thrilled about things and feels overwhelmed and possibly badly that you are back to work when he knows you don't want to be...
Good luck!

This is an interesting switch on perspective and responsiblity for sure. I would start out by just having a conversation with him about how he thinks it's going and how he felt when you were at home. I know if my husband came home and basically questioned every thing I did and how I handled the kids, I'd be pissed. I know you've been in his shoes too so that makes a difference, but tread very lightly at the beginning.

Although he has a strong work ethic, he is new to this job and maybe he just ins't in his swing of things yet. I think you have some legitimate concerns but just try and open up some dialogue with very general talk/questions/comments and see where it goes.

i think everyone one here gave some great answers. you may have to take that little extra 15 minutes and set a few things up for him. and really sit down and talk to him about everything. but before you start to tell him what is wrong start out by telling him that you really notice how well he is handling the SAHD thing and point out his good first. because i know some men who COULD NOT do it under any circumstances. and them let him now how you feel. i hope that you can take some good from everyone's answer and work this out with your husband. good luck!

compromise, compromise, compromise!
yes, he does have the right to do things his way. it's not likely you'd have appreciated his criticism of your system had he had the cojones to do so. but yes, you also have the right to have input and a say in how your child is raised. junk food is a big no-no (although i'm pretty lackadaisical about bedtimes unless the late hours are wearing ME out.)
you need to have a pow-wow. bring to the table your absolutes, your preferences, your hopes, and what you're willing to let go. LISTEN to him and be as flexible as you can, make sure that he feels heard.
you need your one day to relax and enjoy your family. i agree this has the potential to take a serious toll. head it off at the pass!
khairete
S.

I read some of the responses and there is a lot of great advice. My hubby just retired and even though he is home he still needs "coaching" on how to help out around the house. It is hard getting into a routine. I made it easier for him by setting things up ahead of time and putting a white board on the wall with a list of manageable things that needed to be done and also what time our son should eat and go to bed. We have a great schedule now and that white board continues to help us out because it serves as a visual cue for him. I have also let some things go and don't look for my version of perfection just as long as we got our schedule set with our son and things are plugging along, I'm fine. K., you'll be fine too. Also, sometimes its hard to turn off your work persona (where expectations are high) and your home persona. Your husband sounds like a caring soul and a hard worker. You'll make it work. I commend the both of you.

In his defense, my hubby has to be told and he is a VERY big help to me. Men just do not think like we do, and most men it really doesn't bother them if the house is completely upside down. I am a clean freak and my husband is not at all. He does help a great deal, with dishes, laundry etc. but he doesn't do it like I do. I think when your calm you can tell him your feeling overwhelmed and ask if you could both come up with a plan together. This way he is getting to put in his input and your are not insulting him. Good luck!! In the long run this will all pay off!!

It takes time to get into a routine. I'd say that you guys need to sit down and talk about it. Maybe you can make a list of jobs needing done and put them in order according to relative importance. Decide together what you can help with. For instance, you put some laundry through before you leave for work. Then he moves it through during nap time.

I'm not thrilled with a child being up until 2. But at this age it's not the end of the world. I'd say let that one go.

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There are often parenting classes through the local hospitals, or sometimes through churches. I would recommend finding such a class that you could attend together rather than trying to teach him yourself. After such a class, I would sit together and discuss which things are the highest priority for both of you in terms of establishing healthy habits for your son. It will be very hard to hold your husband to a standard that he hasn't bought into... He needs to set his own standard, and your role may be to look at where you can relax your own standards a bit. (Personally, I've decided that for the next few years there will usually be toys on the floor in the family room.)

To the extent that you can, make the evening routine something you do jointly, to help your husband see how it's supposed to roll and to keep yourself involved in your son's daily life.

I understand that your finances are probably pretty tight, but if there's room in the budget to get someone in to handle some of the cleaning backlog every few weeks, it can be worth it to the marriage!

Good for your husband for stepping up as the primary parent (and while doing a masters! Whew!) and good for you for working through the issues with going back to work. Good luck to both of you!

All I have to say is that I'm in the same boat!! My husband's job died with the economy, and it was easier for me to pick up more work in my field. I'm working 55-60 hours a week too, and dealing with the same "pushover" type things you describe! I try not to nag but remind my husband that the kids have rules at school and should at home too. I posted the rules with pictures for the kids and ask him a lot to reinforce them.

Not too many solutions for you but am looking forward to hearing what others have to say, and wanted to let you know you're not alone! :)

What a great question!! I think there are a lot of us struggling with the same stuff! The recession collected on my husband's job as well and we found ourself in the same as many of those who responded. It is amazing how he can walk right by the kitchen counter all week and not notice a thing then all of the sudden wonder how it got so messy! lol!!

The thing that helped us the most was a list of 3 things. I remember how hard it was to get anything done with the kids running around, so we keep it small. Some days it is a load of laundry, some days it is vacuuming. The house is never completely clean, but I was giving up every free waking moment trying to get it there and was missing my kids growing up for a clean house. So, like others have said, I pick my battles and "hills to die on" while I have to let the rest go.

Good luck!