Is This How 4 Year Olds Express Themselves?

Well, I've been waiting for someone else to write in, but no one has. I've been thinking about this question for about an hour now...

I would try swim lessons next summer, but not ones where the parents are part of the group. You should not be there so that other adults can work with her. Part of her behavior is because you are there.

Is your daughter in preschool? If she isn't, she should be in a half-day program. You need to send her well before going to kindergarten so that she can learn to get along with other kids. AND, she needs to learn to follow the rules with other authority figures, without you being there. She will need to learn to be with other kids so that she can get through kindergarten. Getting her school-ready will be very important. You can try programs with small groups of kids to start... If she cries about going, just drop her off and leave. No trying to calm her down. Let the preschool do that. They are used to this with kids. And kids do eventually learn to do this.

I would talk to the preschool director and tell them everything you have said here. And if I were you, I would no longer respond to her pointing, grunting and crying. She is old enough and smart enough to communicate in a different way. What she seems to be doing is trying to get more attention out of you, make you "jump through hoops" to get her to work with you. And it's time for you to stop allowing it.

It's like when a child has a tantrum. You take yourself out of the equation so that he or she has no more audience. You put the child in a room and leave them, without talking, until they are done. It might take a good while for them to finally realize that they won't get anywhere acting like this, but keep being 100% consistent. Don't give in. It's really important that you don't. And if she does this while you are out somewhere, take her to the car, strap her in her seat and stand outside of the car "reading" while you ignore her. (Not if it's too hot outside, of course.)

The thing is, all this attention you are giving her, trying to get her to communicate with you for 20 minutes, is just egging this behavior on. Instead, tell her "I can't understand you when you point...grunt...cry" and walk away. If she escalates to a tantrum, then put her in her room and don't allow her to come out until she is done with the tantrum.

The ball is in your court and you have to help her grow out of this by not allowing it anymore.

If you continue to have trouble with her after several months of consistent parenting, then I would take her to a child psychologist.

I want to second something Doris Day suggested: let your daughter figure her own stuff out without a lot of inquisition or cajoling from you.

When my son did something like this, I would either sit quietly next to him (supportive but not providing direct attention) and usually would only say "tell me what you need when you are ready" and go on about my business, or if it was a tantrum, put him in a safe place and tell him "come find me when you're all done" and leave. I believe kids need to learn that it's okay to have feelings and there is a place/way to do that. Right now, she's getting everything to stop for her, she has an audience of yourself and your wife.

Contrary to some newer parenting philosophies, we do not have to sit and 'work it out' with them every single time. Of course we attend to them if there is physical harm, but if their feelings are overwhelming them, we provide safe and loving guidance by letting them know that they aren't communicating right now and we don't stick around for screaming. In my own experience, getting attention during a tantrum/upset usually leads to more screaming, not less. A worried parent is less reassuring to a child than a confident parent who assumes that 'this will pass' when all indications suggest that the problem is not a physical one (pain/harm). They then can learn to trust that the feelings do, in fact, go away. When she comes out, if she doesn't bring up the cause of her upset, let it go. Don't drag 15 minutes ago back into the present if she's already moved past it.

Give this some time, be consistent going forward. I also agree that social kindergarten readiness is something which should start to be on your radar. A play-based preschool will be helpful in giving your child exposure to other children (and the natural conflict that comes in negotiating play, and how to resolve it), moving through the day on another person's schedule (following teacher-led transitions) and learning to rely on other adults as dependable caregivers. As a former preschool teacher, I have seen a lot of different behaviors in the preschool age, so I won't say this is 'normal' or not, it's just your kid being her own self. Gamma's comments on expressive verbal development below are also spot-on. That said, she isn't going to be great at communicating if she's screaming and crying anyway, so tend to that issue first. Good luck.

When is she turning 5, when will she start kindergarten? This coming September?

Her brain is growing and wiring new pathways. Perhaps she is having trouble accessing her words because so much is going on.

One time I went to a child care conference and the teacher in this one class told us to compare a child's brain to a big circle with millions of little windows on it. Windows open and close, move lower or high but not closed, and disappear into bigger windows once they're used up/learned.

At certain ages there are only certain windows open. For instance the windows for potty training are not open in an infant and probably not for a middle school age child.

We grow wiring in our brain every day. We learn, experience, remember new things, see new things, pull out old memories and tie them into something new.

Windows open, move, change, and shut all the time throughout our lives. If this is new and she is otherwise normal I'd give it some time. If removing her from the loud congested area helps then you know that's an issue too.

If it continues and grows into her normal daily life then I'd be at the doc's office asking them to run some tests on her brain to make sure something else wasn't going on.

Hi J.,

Whatever you do absolutely do NOT enable this behavior. The more she is positively reinforced, the more the behavior will escalate as the years go by. I always approached my DS with the following:

DS - pitching a fit
ME - "Darling, I'm sorry you're so upset. But until you can calm down and speak to me respectfully, we can't solve your problem." and then I would walk away
DS - if he calmed down? we solved the problem together.
DS - if he refused and continued? time out chair. 1 minute for each year of his life.

if you google "time outs jo frost: or "time outs suppernanny," she can explain the most effective way to run a time out so that it's not punitive but it does get the expectation across. time outs can also be good for the parent if they need to calm themselves at times.

I think it's fairly normal or at least common. Most likely she is seeking your attention. She might not fully realize that herself, but she knows she feels good when you are trying to help her.

When my boys did that, I would encourage them to "use their words." If they didn't want to talk, I would let them know that I really wanted to help them, but that I couldn't understand them unless they used their words.

Don't pressure her, and try not to let her know you are frustrated. Just remind her that you really want to help her and that when she is able to talk to you, you will be ready to listen to her.

If it's just when she's upset (the grunting) then it could be the equivalent of a whinge or something like that. Plenty of kids act up when they are not enjoying something. I'm going to assume that's what this is, because can't think of what else it would be.

I would reward her for 'using her words'. That's what daycares, preschools and nursery schools all will say to kids "please use your words, and I will listen to you". I used to say that unless they changed their voice, I couldn't help them.

Maybe you've tried that. Reward her for using her voice with "thank you - that makes it easier for mommy and daddy to understand you."

The thing is, if she's grunting during swim classes and carrying on, pick your battles would be my only other advice. One of mine hated them. He had two little buds in daycare, and was great with them and his siblings. He didn't really gel with other kids unless he got to know them. Bit shy and introverted. He would do swim classes with a sibling, but hated to go on his own. We just worked on this over time and didn't make a big deal, but yes - parents around? sometimes makes these situations worse. They don't always pull the same tricks as they do if mom and dad are there. That's likely why she had the good rapport from nursery school.

Surely you've seen other kids act up at swim lessons? We also saw one or two - and I'd be able to relate. My poor swimmer/interest in classes went as far as he could in later years with swimming. So it doesn't necessarily last.

He still likes older kids and a few close buds and siblings - he's social, but once he gets to know kids well. Not sure if that helps, but sometimes kids take a while to adjust to new environments - my kid like this, always an adjustment period then fine. Hopefully that's the case with your little girl :)

I've seen this at the beach and I think it's fairly common.
There was a mom with a small child (and some older siblings) - and the pre-schooler simply WAILED at the ocean.
Even on the sand away from the water - the kid wanted to be held.
The poor mom was confused.
She said her daughter simply LOVED the beach last time they came!
I think the kid just got to a point where she looked up, saw the sand and the water and suddenly realized they were SO MUCH BIGGER than she was.
It was a sudden shock to her psyche - and she was terrified.
It took a good hour before mom could put her down on the blanket without her screaming.
And towards the end of a few hours the girl could be held with her mom standing in ankle deep water.
I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about this being a permanent thing.
They grow and change and go back and forth from helpless to fearless.
It's a frustrating ping pong game for us parents.

As far as the sweets go - just make them an unexpected sometimes treat thing.
In our house we don't do candy/cake/desserts on a daily basis - it's more just special occasions (like a few times per year) - so no one negotiates over it.