Is It Only Me?

Hi...I feel ya on this one..except my mil lives with us..(her hubby passed away last august) I love her dearly I do...but sometimes it's a bit much...I make up errands and lunch dates just to get out of the house and away...she always gives her 2 cents..but in the end thankfully she lets me do it my way..or I tell her I read something on the internet of a new or different way of doing particular things...I don't really have many suggestions though...

It seems like you've actually got a bunch of issues going on.

- "they have decided to come every 3 months no matter what.."
- "they are re-living their one time parenthood"
- "I don't think I can hide my feelings when they are here."
- "don't know how to handle them kissing my son etc"
- other people not being receptive to what you feel is a problem
- boundaries
- smells you don't like (smoke & aftershave)

- "they have decided to come every 3 months no matter what.."....
Sounds like you not only didn't have a voice in this decision, you don't like it. Fortunately it's a rotating decision (meaning you have an oppurtunity to change it every three months...& meaning they haven't sold their house and bought one next door yet). Unfortunately, your house can't pick up and move...so you can't vote with your feet...you have to vote with your voice and your door. :P Stressfull position to be put in, and no wonder you're feeling some resentment.

If I were you I would sit my self down and think about what would make you happy in terms of visiting. A good place to start is what makes you unhappy. Is it the frequency? Do you just feel like you've gotten into a good pattern and then they just show up, throwing your routine into chaos? Would a longer stay once or twice a year work better? Or is it the length of the stay? Perhaps a long weekend once a month would work better. Think about which of the dynamics and logistics are bugging you the most, and what would seem like a relief. Then propose it. In many ways since you IL have been there a few times already it puts you in a better position to be political; "You know, we love having you but _______ just isn't working so well. We were hoping we might try _______ instead."

- "they are re-living their one time parenthood"...
When I hear this it makes me think of a couple of things. Mostly that you're either feeling jealous or disregarded or both. Been there. Done that. And it can be hard to feel secure in yourself and your rights as Mum. The jealousy is the easiest to deal with, but the most pernicious. BOY do I STILL have a hard time when my son prefers Nana over me. But you know, I not only tell myself we're lucky (as I gnaw on my liver), I tell my son. Whenever he says something that turns me green with envy I laugh and tell him "Yeah, I love Nana, too. We're so LUCKY you get to have so much fun with her and that she loves us so much!" Then I give him a big hug and a wink, and all of a sudden we're co-conspirators in the "I Love Nana Club" instead of me being the losing competitor. Ugh. I REFUSE to compete for my son's affection. But I have to refuse, otherwise I'm doomed to lose. He won't realize what a great life he has with me for a LONG long LONG time. And really, that's okay. As long as I remind myself.

Feeling disregarded though, is something you have complete and total power over. Eleanor Roosevelt style. Pick the battle and dig in. Your child, your choice. Pick him up and walk out. Go for a drive, or to somewhere you can chill for several hours...or if it's a REALLY big deal stay at a hotel or a friend's house overnight. You may be amazing over how liberating it is. Pick your battles carefully though. You need to be able to be firm in your choices, both when you're pissed and later, when you explain that while you love everyone involved, you love your son the most. And you are not willing to be disregarded in decisions concerning him. By leaving yourself (instead of throwing people out), you give yourself more power, in that YOU get to choose when you two come back. Throwing people out puts the ball into their court, and is a rather LARGE deal. Walking out keeps the ball in your court, as well as lets you define how big a deal you want to make of the transgressions when you get home. You can be nonchallant, or you can be cold and silent. Or, or, or...but it's your choice. You're not waiting for a phonecall, or a reaction from others.

So too, you can also pick when you're going to relax. Their "reliving" may be their way of trying to give you a break. Test that out. Next time they want to take over for a bit, try taking a bubble bath, or reading a book or taking a nap. If they're trying to not overstep their bounds they'll probably interrupt you (asking about X,Y,or Z) OR give you a full and detailed report when they "hand over" after the nap/bath/book, whatever. Listen to how they talk to your son about you. If they're saying nice things they're trying to help. It can be a hard line to walk though.

"You little trouble maker...you make your mommy so tired she didn't even get a chance to wash the floor today. Lets go get the mop." makes my hackles rise...but it's actually a nice thing. It says that they know being new parents means that unimportant things slip through the cracks, and they're volunteering to help. And yet "your mommy doesn't even keep the floors clean so you can crawl around and be safe" is a variation that, in my book, is a deadly insult.

Both comments are hard to take. The first is a socially (and emotially) INEPT offer to help and olive branch of "been here, done this, how can I help?!". The second one is a snide cut, designed to hurt while "looking" nice. Make sure you analyze what's being said carefully. Mistaking one causes hurt feelings, and the other causes guilt, anger, and resentment. Ugh. Why can't people be simpler?

Moving along

- "I don't think I can hide my feelings when they are here."

Don't. Don't pretend, don't hide. If you're stressed out, show it. If you don't let anyone know what you feel no one will have any reason to change what or how they're doing things.

From a "pride" standpoint... I've always felt better when I've over analyzed and broken down the general swirling mish mash into a concise statement. Obviously, I haven't always done this. I get better results when I do.

- "don't know how to handle them kissing my son etc"

Is this the acute symptom of 12 bajillion other things that are bothering you about them, or is it the physical act? Once you've sorted out what it is, you'll know exactly how to handle it.

- other people not being receptive to what you feel is a problem.

I get this from you saying "people always say it's better then them not liking him". While that MAY be true (it may NOT for that darn matter), it negates the whole HOST of issues that come along with grandparents wanting to be involved. People who don't have it don't know it. With anything, good or bad, come problems to be dealt with. It is frequently soooooo much harder to deal with problems that come along with a good thing. Wrangling kids is hard. SO IS WRANGLING GRANDPARENTS. You have to defend your position as an adult & as a mom, you have to become a family politics expert, and you have to suddenly lay ten thousand boundaries that DID NOT EXIST until your child was born. Oi! If you ever want to exchange tactics and strategies concerning concerned grandparents shoot me an email. No one ever told me I'd have to become a tactition when I was pregnant. And yet, my GRANDMOTHER'S "young mothers guide" gives very explicit advice. Of course, a lot of it is stuff there is no way in Hail I'd do. But the darn book did at least admit that all of a sudden you were going to be having to be dealing with grandparents.

Anyhow, my point on this is, screw people who say you're lucky. You've got a series of problems that you're going to have to define goals and strategies to deal with. Feel very validated. You've got problems. Even if they're "good" problems.

- boundaries

Yep. There ARE boundaries. Fortunately you get to define what and where they are. Unfortunately, until you do, they're going to be crossed, and new ones will spring up no matter how clearly you set the all the ones you think there are.

<Laughing> In our family we have a running joke; anyone is able to laugh and shout "Boundary!!!" at any time without hurt feelings. Most of the time it's serious, and in a surprised tone of voice (it's shocking to realize for example that my sister feels possessive about her silverware...both for us and for her...but she jumped up out of her chair when I reached for the silverware drawer to set the table. Now I know I can get the glasses or open the wine, but she's anal about silverware. It was the first time she'd had her own place, and she was just as surprised. But she got validated, and respected, and it was all done with a laugh). Every once in awhile though, it's done as a joke. Changing diapers for example. In the middle of the living room a huge stink developed from my infant son, when there were 10 adults all seated around. We all kind of looked at each other, and my Husband popped out with "Boundary!" and everyone laughed, and then pretended that he meant that no one but him got to change dirty diapers.

Anyhow...my point there is that setting boundaries makes EVERYONE who gives a darn happier. And it can be fun. Isn't always (I had to nearly deny my mother the right of EVER seeing my son again if she laid another hand on him, once). But it can be. And you'll feel better once you have yours up AND respected. Be prepared though. Other people respecting your boundaries means equal return, and frequent compromise.
ex)
Boundary 1:
"I want to be able to nurse my son when I need to without having to argue about it" can be met with...
Boundry 2:
"I only get to see him a few times a year and I want to snuggle with him as much as possible, and you keep taking him away whenever he makes kisses at me"
Compromise :
"Kissy face means he's hungry. How 'bout this: I nurse, you can burp? But I don't want to argue about it. When I say it's time, it's time....but you are DEFINITELY going to get tons of snuggle time this week. Don't worry about it! :)"

- smells you don't like (smoke & aftershave)

My suspicion is that this is actually a manifestation of all of the other things that are bothering you. Also my assumption here is that you don't let your inlaws smoke in your house or put aftershave ON your baby. If you are, then I can see a real problem. Otherwise, really, it's just smells that you're associating with people you're pissed at.

The smoking thing is hard...so I'm going to address it in more detail, because 1)most people are really ignorant about it, and 2)smokers have become (especially on the west coast) the new niggers, chinks, wops, or "ruined" (aka non-virgin)girls. Sorry (actually, I really am) if I've offended anyone with my language. Unfortunately they're all terms of bigoted hate. And in this decade, the group of people that most people feel free in openly hating are smokers. And people are ignorant. Smoking is very very bad for people who smoke. HOWEVER living in a city is worse. If you don't believe me, look at lung tissue analysis of smokers v. non-smokers over geographic areas. A fairly well publicized study several years ago rated air quality in cities with the packs of cigarettes people would have to smoke. Here are a few of them: Seattle = 1-1 and a half packs per day. LA = 2-2 and a half packs per day. Mexico City = 4-5 packs per day. Zurich = 1/2 pack per day. This was an approximation, however, because the chemicals found in city air are frequently more toxic, and definitely more varied, then those found even in the worst offenders in cigarettes. I am NOT advocating smoking. Smoking causes cancer and emphysema and heart disease and a whole host of other problems. I am advocating not hating/feeling disgust for people doing something that is not as bad for your baby as the air that is in your house (unless you live up in the mountains or out in the country). And that's if they were actually smoking AND blowing it in your baby's face.

It takes DECADES of living in an enclosed environment saturated with cigarette smoke for second hand smoke to affect an average person's health. It takes SO MUCH exposure over such a long period of time that it was a coup to Finally prove it, even though it made sense. The same is true of BBQ smoke or incense, incidentally.

Sigh. I talk a lot. And I tend to lecture. When I see/ meet people who are smart, but I see something that doesn't fit (like an irrational hatred of the smell of cigarettes, or skin color)I tend to start going on in great length about it. If you already know about all this, my profound apologies.

Many people in my own family smoke. I worry about them. But I don't worry about myself or others because of them; they smoke outside and the particulates are faaaaaar too small to worry about. I inhale more when I'm grilling one time then I do if I'm sitting next to my uncle chainsmoking. I worry about myself and my son because we live in a city.

But then I worry about 10,000 things. Just part of being a mum, I suppose. Gack. Like that makes it easier!

Best of luck,
Z

Boundaries are important, but not always clear. If your in-laws are too intrusive for your comfort, then you have needs that is not being met. You don't need to "hide" those needs, but do get clear about what they are. You have a right and obligation to guard your baby's well-being as well as your own. You don't say whether they are staying in your home and smoking, but I will assume they are.

Once you are certain what is permissible TO YOU and what is not, and why, you can state your needs clearly and still leave some space for your in-laws to make choices that could make them more welcome when they do visit. Example: "Folks, I love it that you care so much about your grandson. And I do NOT want him, or me, to be exposed to strong irritants like cigarette smoke and aftershave, so I must ask you to refrain from indulging when you are around us."

You can similarly express clearly what frequency/length of visit will be tolerable for you. And perhaps even how much kissing you will permit, though that would be so much harder for the grandparents to understand or respect. How can anybody not kiss a baby?

It's not easy to get to the place where you can state your needs clearly, but you'll be surprised how strong it makes you feel. Do NOT give ANY reasons or make ANY excuses for what you need – they will weaken your position. Don't worry about being the bad guy, because you'll be failing your child if you give in. You will probably need to be just as clear with your husband – you don't say how he feels about all this. Ideally, you will be on the same page here.

Now, having said that, I am a granny who is head-over-heels in love with my grandboy, now three. I could no more stay away from him than stay away from my heart. And I love being around my daughter, too. So I work attentively to be aware of his parents' legitimate needs, and I am welcome for a weekly visit. (I have become quite fond of my son-in-law over these three years, and I think he has come to like me.)

So, I strongly recommend being rock-steady and unambiguous about what you need if your in-laws are too dense or self-centered to get it on their own. Holding it in and being polite until you explode with distress and judgement could create years of pain and anger for everyone, including you. If they care about their grandson, and I'm sure they love him dearly, they will probably be able to make adjustments after getting used to your limits. I hope you'll also be generous enough to give them some space in your son's life. You apparently don't like some things about them, but nevertheless, they could become important to his sense of self and family.

Good luck, mama. This isn't an easy situation, but you and your husband can handle it with teamwork, maturity and grace.

They are GRANDPARENTS. They are so in love with him. It is hard to squelch those feelings. You are lucky they don't live in town. I had IL that smoked constantly and we had to sleep in their house many weekends. I hated it for myself, but more for my baby. He turned out more than ok just like his father who grew up with them. I just couldn't risk the feelings of family, including my husband, for my dislike. At least they aren't smoking in your house. Try to be understanding. When your son grows up to be a man, you will want to be near him too.I miss my sons very much. Try to do whatever you need to do with compassion.

Well I hate to be contradictory to some here but this sounds like it is building into a really bad problem. My sweetheart was married to a woman who's family lived in their lives. I don't think people really understand what you are going through. To him it was hell. He had to smile and pretend all the things they did that were opposite of what he believed in were perfectly ok. That is your home and for them to just come over when they want without actually talking to you is not ok, and it shouldn't be ok with your hubby either. That is your home, not just your husbands and your sons. My love ended up in a divorce b/c his ex refused to acknowledge that she was infact married to her family and it was always what they wanted when they wanted over him. It may not be so extreme in your case, but it can build into resentment and your relationship with your husband is so much more important than that with your in-laws.
It really sounds like it is time for you and hubby to get on the same page. Do not beat around the bush, he will not get it. And he needs to be the one to call them and set up the rules. Call a month ahead to discuss a visit. NO smoking. We're a tad nervous about the kisses, could they be limited to the cheek? and so on. They may get mad at first, but give it two or so weeks and they will get over it (had to do this with my mom who was barking orders over what I should be doing with my children and when). A healthy relationship is one where everyone understands each other.
I sincerely hope everything works out! Merry Christmas!!

C.

Yes, there are boundaries! You set the boundaries for yourself and your home. Because they are in-laws your husband needs to be involved in setting the boundaries for his parent's visits and he needs to be the one who discusses them with his parents.

One very important boundary is "no smoking" in the house. No exceptions! You could print up some research about how smoking affects baby's lungs. There are lots of articles on the Internet. And give the article to them to read. If you emphasise what's best for baby's health you are more apt to get co-operation.

Strong odors of cologne and after shave are also not good for baby. I haven't tried to find articles on that. But I've read in magazines that these odors are not good for adults. I go to the symphony and they have asked attendees to not wear perfume. I seldom smell any sort of perfumy smell on someone any more.

One reason people put on so much is that they get used to the odor and have to put more on so that they can smell it. Perhaps your husband could ask them to not wear after shave or perfume while at your house. I think one reason it is bad for babies is that early exposure can result in allergies.

Do you object to the kissing because it's on the mouth. My daughter has a house rule. "No kissing on the lips of the children." It is a way to spread germs. Since the baby is not with them all the time he has not built up any immunity.

Here is one way of handling this. You and your husband decide on the house rules. Let your in-laws know what they are. How to best do this depends on their personalities. When they do not follow the rule gently remind them that in your home the rule is .........

It may take a couple of visits during which you are consistent (especially their son, your husband) for this to work.

If this were happening to me I'd also ask that clothing not smell like smoke. My cousin's husband smokes. He always goes outside to do so. His clothes never smell smokey. I'd guess your in-laws wear the same clothes several times before washing them. In some of the articles that I've read the researcher has said that the smokey smell is also harmful. Therefore no one should smoke in the house and their clothing needs to be clean of smoke and after shave and any other irritants to the baby's lungs.

I think it would help you if you could put aside your distaste for your in-laws and try to accept them as an important part of your son's life. Also try to relate with them on a warm and personal level. If they feel accepted they are more likely to be willing to make these changes for the baby's sake. And, you will enjoy their visits more.

A short term solution to your baby smelling like smoke and after shave for 7 days after they leave is to give him a bath and wash his clothes.

At the least I would insist that they not smoke in the house. This is a rule common to a majority of households these days.

Are they staying in your home? Maybe you could ask them to consider staying in a hotel when they visit, so their visits are less intrusive.

If they continue staying in your home I would most certainly put my foot down about smoking not being ok in my home. My inlaws also smoke and they also are an unhealthy influence. My husband and I have decided to create ground rules in writing (such as smoking, language, and various other things we do not want our infant exposed to) and if either set of grand parents wants to visit, they are welcome to stay until they break a rule and then they are welcome to see themselves to the door.

This may sound harsh, but my in laws are not health role models and their are enough poor influences in a child's life to have grandparents like that.

I think the biggest things are that you and your husband need to be on the same page with what is and is not acceptable, and it needs to be communicated clearly. We plan on communicating this in writing so there can be no "but we didn't know" stuff.

This is YOUR child, and if your inlaws really want to be parents again, they can look into the foster system or adoption rather than intruding. At the same time, as a kid I saw my grandparents weekly, and I cherish the relationships I had with them. So every three months is not really excessive visiting . . . the nature of the visits being inappropriate is most likely what is making it seem so frequent.

Talk to your husband and decide what you both want these visits to look like, and then make it clear to the inlaws that anything else is unacceptable. They make take it better when it is coming from their son rather than from you (parents are weird like that) but you'll know the best way to present your household rules to them based on your relationship.

The other thing that has really worked well for me in the past with my own mother (who I have a much easier time communicating with than my inlaws, but who is similarly over bearing) is that we play by the rules of whoever's house it is. When I visit my parents, we respect their household rules and when they come to my house, they respect my rules. One case has been with my dog. My parents do not allow their pets in the house, my dog sleeps in bed with me and gets on the couch. We obviously have very different views on what is appropriate for a dog, and at my house, my rules apply, at their house, their rules apply. We plan on dealing with parenting differences in the same way.

Remember that a guest who doesn't respect your home and your family isn't a guest but an intruder - even if they have the same last name. Stand up for what is right for your family - it is dificult, but worthwhile.

Good Luck!

Smoking is a big NO around our kids, always has been, always will be. My parents were smokers (since quit), but they always respected my home and my kids by never smoking at our home. They tried for many years to quit smoking and didn't want their grandkids to go thru the same trials. I never had to ask them not to smoke, they just didn't. They never smoked prior to coming to visit so their clothes weren't smokey. You could have your husband talk with them about the odors, explaining that you're concerned about an asmatic (sp) reaction. You just want to be careful. This is their grandson as well. You will have to share him. It's a huge joy. I had similar boundary issues with my in-laws, but it was their way or the highway, ultimately they took the highway, their choice. Kisses and hugs, stories and play are welcomed events. Just make sure that they're safe. To be honest, I wouldn't let my in-laws take off with the kids, not the grandparents or uncle and his wife. Not too aware of their surroundings and somewhat absent minded. Talk with your husband before they get there. You need to present a united front or it will wreck havoc on your marriage.

You're not the only one. My inlaws use to call everyday at 4:00pm to see if my husband was home yet (knowing he didn't get home until about 4:45). I began to not answer the phone. It became to be my 4:00 alarm for the afternoon. She wanted to make sure I was home to start making dinner. Of course that started stuff as she would tell hubby that I wasn't home that day. haha. anyway back to your stuff....
Do you smoke, too? I would ask that they not in the house to start with. Baby doesn't need that second hand smoke anyway. Maybe they could smoke outside the house instead, if they need to.
Perhaps you can instill suttle routines like naptime, storytime at the library, etc. Routines are good for the child to feel secure. In-laws are hard to deal with unless your husband is willing to say anything. Have you told your husband how you feel? Sometimes that helps.

When my brother and I were babies, my parents rule was that my dad's mom (who lived accross the street) was not allowed to smoke around the babies (fyi, we are 28 and 26). Ultimately she quit smoking, but my parents were firm with the no smoking around the baby. I would find a gentle way to ask them to not smoke around the baby, wash their hands after smoking, and change their shirt or jacket into one that they had not just smoked in before handling the baby. If you and your husband don't smoke, I don't think that's an unreasonable request. You might have to deal with the aftershave, but I think the smoke can be handled. WhenI have to hide those kinds of feelings, I tend to hide them fine towards whom ever they are directed at, but would be very rude and obnoxious and irritated towards my hubby to the point that I'm sure he would just tell his parents flat out to not smoke around the kids.

Wow that's a tough one. But, he's your baby. You decide what's good for him. If it's irrational or info the in laws have never heard of, well it's been a long time since they had to search the world looking for safe food and toys.

You can tell them that coming this often is pretty disrupting to your family schedule. When they come that often they are no longer guests, so you don't have to be as nice about it and beat around the bush. That's the only advice I can think of off the top of my head. I know that's a hard one when you feel guilty for saying things like, " You know just second hand smoke from off your clothes can cause him to have asthma for life."

Smoking is a big no-no! I just learned in my Health class that the cigarette resin left on your clothing after ONE cigarette can transfuse nicotine into an infants skin for 72 hours after that cigarette was smoked! I would never let anyone who smoked kiss my child, I taught my friends to just kiss their own hands and "sprinkle" kisses onto my baby:)