In-laws & My Feelings??

Considering you aren't married, the family probably is more excited about new pregnancy. Honestly, you are their son's "On again, Off again girlfriend" who just had his baby. That's a lot different than his wife. The family had lots of mixed feelings I'm sure. It may be different if they ever really do become your In-laws.

Honestly...no matter what anyone says there are almost always inequlaities in how kids treat their kids and grandkids...it is just the way it is. Whether or not is it obvious...there is always going to be one grandchild that grandma connects with better, or one sibling dad calls to see how things are.

Be happy they are at least "trying" to support the two of you and your decisions (I know, easier said than done). My mom, when we had a baby before marriage said "What...you want me to pretend I am happy about this...and throw you a big shower...I am not going to do that" (I was 30 and my boyfriend was 34, both with good jobs, and both owning our own houses - so it wasn't like he knocked up the head cheerleader sophmore year).

I would focus on not worrying about what any of them think. Plus, you may never be able to please them anyway. Additionally, your boyfriend's sister was very kind in waiting until after your baby was born to announce her pregnancy. I would venture to guess that she knew well before, but chose to wait until after you delievered to not steal your thunder...which knowing how exciting a new pregnancy can be, was a really kind thing to do.

I wouldn't assume that you are necessarily being overly sensistive...but it doesn't matter either way. They are who they are, and you are who you are.

Over sensitive or not, your feelings are always valid!! You sensed trouble for a reason and your instincts I am sure led you to do the best thing for you and your unborn child.

As hard as it is, you have to try not to compare yourself to others. I don't believe it is healthy. I have always been labeled, "Your doing fine" and gotten less attention, if that is actually the right term. MY MIL actually said that all the time about my husband and I and it tore my husband up to think that his mother would do everything and anything for his brother. She still does to this day and my husband and I are probably on the same plain when it comes to that situation. My mother on the other hand has always tried to remain fair to us and help with what she could. She raised my sisters and I on her own for the most part and didn't receive any type of support. So needless to say, her nest egg wasn't that big now that she is retired. My sister has borrowed somewhere about $20,000 from her. She continues to live a more lavish life than the rest of us and my mother continues to worry if she has enough grocery and toiletries. We live a simple life and have plenty, while not the best. My sister has 2 Mercedes in the driveway and we have 2 - 2006 Ford F150 & Kia Rio in the driveway. They live in a 3,000 SF home, we live in a 1,700 SF home, both in the same master plan development/community. Still my mother continues to support them as best she can. As well, I have done what I can to assist them, but stopped when I started seeing signs of new stuff. I would love to have at least a BMW, but it just isn't the time and until then I will live within my means.

So I used to feel horrible for my husband who's feelings were hurt over his situation, and now I am in it too. It is hurtful to hear, "Your doing fine". I don't want my mother's assistance, but equal treatment does feel much better.

In any event, it happens all the time and it is something we can't change and they would never admit to, probably to themselves as well.

Mothers are usually closer to their daughters than their daughters-in-law and therefore are more excited for the birth of their daughter's child. Also, if you were distant and you two aren't on the best of terms it is natural that she would be more attuned to her daughter and her pregnancy than you and yours. And then, if she is under the impression that you and Nate weren't in the position to have a child (whether it was true on not), and she feels that Melisa is ready for one, then she would be more excited about her pregnancy than yours. Of course she shouldn't show any more favor for one child than another but sometimes this just happens. In life, sometimes we just like some people better than others. My MIL completely forgot she had a second granddaughter. She bought things for her daughter's sons and my daughter and just forgot about the baby and blithely said "oh, this will probably make you mad but I didn't get anything for the baby because i forgot she was here." MILs can be crazy.

Feelings don't require validation; they just are what they are. And they are our own business, not anybody else's. So, your feelings about your in-laws, including your anxiety about their judgments during your pregnancy, are valid for you, and they are nobody else's business. In exactly the same light, your in-laws feelings about you and degree of excitement about your baby are valid for them, and they are not your business.

That's not quite the end of it, though. Because our thoughts, what we decide to dwell on, or how we interpret a situation, help determine what feelings we're going to have. That's still our own business, but there are always choices, so there's at least a possibility shifting it toward feelings that are less uncomfortable.

So, if you would prefer your feelings toward your in-laws to be painful (you might want to consider whether there's a payoff for doing that), then you can continue to focus on their disapproval of your first pregnancy, and their seemingly greater excitement about another grandchild.

However, if you'd prefer to have good emotional connections with your fiance's family (and there are some terrific possible payoffs for that), then it's up to you to decide what thoughts you want to focus on. Comparisons and resentment are killers of joy and love, so you might usefully put your attention on whatever positives you can establish.

Because of your sketchy past relationship, you may have to work at this, but in my experience, there's often something good worth building. You have kept your distance, for reasons that seemed good to you, but now that the fruit of those reasons isn't so sweet, you might want to explore what happens if you keep your heart open toward your in-laws. It sounds like you are definitely planning to make them family, if you haven't tied the knot already.

One other thought – as a woman in my 60's, I have seen that age does not necessarily make a person more mature, wise, or compassionate. (Notice, for example, how your MIL projected her judgments about her own out-of-wedlock pregnancy onto you. Sounds like she's really stuck.)

So don't wait for your MIL to reach out to you. She may never have learned that she has that option within reach. But she may be surprised and responsive if you reach out to her. Do you have the maturity to give that a try? If it turns out that a relationship with your in-laws is not positive and nourishing for you or your child, you can always choose to increase the distance between you again.

after reading the other responses, I have just this to say:

Relax & stop trying to find fault. You are each entitled to respond how you wish.....& life isn't always fair & equal. It truly seems as if you're judging your in-laws every move.......they are entitled to do the same with you. Quit drawing lines in the sand & they may, too! Peace!

Well, I think maybe you're being a bit sensitive. There are several things at work here -first of all, his sister is their actual daughter, so even though it may not seem okay -I think it's a bit normal for the in-laws to be a little more excited over her, PARTICULARLY since you basically kept your distance with your pregnancy and they probably felt estranged. Given your past history, it sounds like you get along, but you're not extremely close. If you get pregnant again, I would include them a bit more if I wanted them to be excited and more involved.

You shouldnt give a rats arse and dont get into "competitions" over the grandkids... crappy trap to fall into. Don't be a drama-mama, that would be a good gift for your child. You already said you dont get along well with you b/f's parents... why would that change now? If they dont care for you it really does make it harder for you child... not your childs fault tho is it? If you can mend fences so the grandparents feel comfortable with you for the sake of your son you could try that.... if you dont think you really have a full future with Nate then you need to not depend on his parents either. If they want to be hands on grandparents you will know soon enough, if they dont --oh well.
Dont get angry and give them that power over you.... screw it.

Well, it might be true that they are more excited about this baby. I think in-laws have different feeling about a daughter-in-law than an daughter, especially since you "kept your distance" during your pregnancy, have had a bit of a rocky past history, etc.....maybe they feel like they didn't really "share" in it with you & Nate?
The important thing is that you have a commitment with this man, a family together and the "family" includes HIS family too.
Try to share in the joy of the new baby's arrival and try to make a better relationship with your "in-laws"? Are you married yet? If not, I wonder why? And that too, might be the reason for their less-than-enthusiastic reaction.

First of all moms are always a little more exicted about their daughter's baby becuase it's a mother-daughter situation. Don't take it personally - I have to assume you're much closer to your mom than his - and that's just a natural thing - so let go of it. I am certain that she loves your baby - just make sure you give her lots of access to your baby. It is not worth being jealous over. I can clearly see that my in-law's felt closer to my SIL's child than mine - but I made sure that I had them over as often as possible because kids need grandparent - they need to know there are layers of people who love them and care about their well being - it provides great security to them (even if their grandparents are flakes). Little ones don't see it and by the time they see it they will also realize that you've handled the situation really well over the years. My own mom is closer to her daughter's kids than to her son's kids - but mostly becuase her sons just aren't as close to her as my sisters and I are. It's just a natural thing.

They are probably also not crazy about the fact that you're not yet married. I was pregnant with my 1st when we got married - I thought it was important for my child that we be married when she was born. In your MIL's generation people got married before the baby was born - they didn't wait until the new mom lost the baby weight and could wear her dream wedding dress and have an expensive reception. It's just a different mind-set. Even if you want to have the big party eventually you should consider going down to town hall or to a judge and have a civil marriage - it will also enable you to get on each other's health insurance. You can always have the reception later.

Finally - don't keep your distance from them. Invite them over for dinner on saturdays, etc. Your in-laws may end up being wonderful for your child - and children to come. Your MIL may be a little witchy - since my kids are now teens I can see the day coming when they bring home their future spouses - and it will be really tough to see them as being the best for my "perfect" child. hahaha! another natural thing I think. (as you're holding your baby in your arms can you imagine that his spouse will ever be perfect enough?)

As long as you can response graciously to your MIL - whether she deserves it or not - you will know in your heart you've done what's neccessary to do for the relationship. And you'll make your husband happy too.

Good luck mama -

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. I have noticed that many mothers are more bonded with their daughters. Has anyone else noticed this? My MIL seems to spend more time with her daughter and her daughters two sons (my nephews) than our kids. When we are all together she seems way more interested my nephews and their feelings and seems to follow them around. It hurts my feelings but I do see that she loves our kids too, so I try not to be too sensitive. She even mentioned to me once that moms just seem to bond more to their daughters than their sons and asked if my mom is the same way (she is not, so I didn't really understand/sympathize). Maybe your MIL is like this.

well, i can understand your reluctance to share the news since his parents were so inappropriately angry at your first pregnancy. no one wants extra stress during a high risk pregnancy.
but you also do need to understand that getting excited about the coming baby is part of the fun for the family. i doubt they're really MORE excited about this baby than yours, but with yours they did miss out on the opportunity to squee and shop and plan.
so your decision was probably a good one, but it does also make sense that the family is taking the opportunity to celebrate this baby in advance. when both babies are here, i'll bet they both get loved just as much.
khairete
S.

don't be offended, i think its harder for them as you are the daughter in law. I know I am much closer and more comfortable around my sisters kids, over my sister in law's kids. Both are my nieces and nephews, both have young kids..i like my sister in law, its just different for me, I can't explain it. I am sure Nate's parents love hayden.

Two reasons they may be more excited for her:

You kind of kept yourself and your pregnancy from them making them feel left out of it all. Not saying that I totally blame you because of how your MIL reacted last time- but you had to know that things would probably be different now for your MIL since you are married. Your prior preg probably brought back some bad memories of her own 'mistake'.

Sadly the daughter will always be closer to her family than the son. You will probably find this out when Hayden has children of his own and his wife's family comes first and not yours.

Your feelings are your feelings and you can't be wrong for what your feel. That said, it really may be a bit of both. Are the sister's circumstances different? Not that it should matter but if she is married and in her mom's eyes is in a more appropriate situation than it may have some in influence on her attitude.

Plus this is her daughter and you did say you kept your distance because of the strained relationship. She may feel that she is able to be involved with this pregnancy. She may have felt the same about Hayden but because of the distance between you (emotional if not physical) she wasn't able to show it.

Be happy your Hayden will now have a little cousin and try your best not to let there be competition between you.