I Need a backbone...and Need advice...please Help

I second the post about "Boundaries" I did not do it as a study but read the book. It changed my life! I now understand the difference between submitting and being a door mat. It uses Biblical principles and is very easy to read.

I'm not a behavioral expert, but here's how I see it. First, your post is very well put. When I read the part about how you "crumble" and "shrink inside", I completely felt what you were talking about. I've been there. I think most people have at some point or another. I've seen other people, usually outgoing and confident, experience this same "phenomenon" when arguing with someone else. Their lips quiver, their face contorts or starts twitching, their blood pressure goes up, they get flushed and sometimes are on the brink of tears. Some people can talk with anyone and are perfectly comfortable regardless of the subject. Others of us, not so much.

For the most part, however, regardless of our usual "shyness" levels, we will tend to feel more confident when dealing with things, anything, that we know well. If you were a scientist and you were arguing with someone about a particular formula that you knew was right, what fear should you have by arguing the point? I would think none. A proven formula is just that and cannot be argued. The other person is wrong and that's all there is to it.

What you need to remember is that when it comes to your children, you know them best. There is no other person on this planet who will love them or want to protect them as much as you. You are the expert when it comes to your children. If you need to stand up for them, you should feel no fear. You know what you are talking about. You may have opinions about religion or politics or animal rights or any other current event or subject and it may scare you to share your opinion with others who you know have different views, but no one else's opinions really matter when it comes to your children. You don't have to be scared that your opinion is different. It's really the only one that counts. YOU are the AUTHORITY when it comes to them and you don't need to worry what anyone else thinks. I'm not saying you won't ever be wrong or that you should just ignore other's opinions when it comes to your children. We should always be open-minded when it comes to other's opinions, particularly if there is something there that you can learn. But if you always have your children's best interests at heart, that should never be an issue. And most of all, you needn't be afraid to stand up for what you think is right.

I personally have never been one to shy away from an argument just because I'm scared. I do get scared, but I swallow my fear and I speak up. I may sound like a total idiot, and later I run through scenarios in my mind of things I should have said, or have not said, but I still do it. I figure if I don't do it, who will? And that's especially true when it comes to our children. If you don't speak up for them, who will? They deserve to have you in their corner, and no matter how much it pains you to speak up, you have to feel that pain for them. That's your job as their mom.

The good news is that it should get easier. When my husband married me, he would NEVER argue with anyone about anything he disagreed with. It just wasn't how he was taught to deal with things. After being with me for 17+ years, he not only speaks up when people try to get away with something or take advantage of us or others, he's quite good at making his point and can be very convincing. He shocked me one day when I was talking to our warranty company on the phone about a problem we were having. I had them on speaker and he came into the room and let them have it. My mouth was on the floor. when all was said and done, the problem was resolved and I had a new respect for my husband.

You'll get there. You need to realize what you have to say about and for your children has great value, and anything with great value deserves to be heard. God blessed you with those boys for a reason. You and they have a purpose on this earth. One of your purposes is to be their mom. If you ask and work with him, God will give you the strength to be their advocate as well.

Blessings,
N.

I recommend taking a Boundaries Class through your church. You can buy the book and workbook at most book stories. Henry Cloud is the author. It is an awesome small group bible study.

Dear S.,
I saw your letter and felt your pain. Let me start by saying that the world needs more beautiful people like you and YOU DO HAVE A BACKBONE. Your the type that's always happy and cheerful and being around you is a great joy. Your children will learn your loving ways and that is a wonderful gift. However, when faced with confrontation you feel like you "crumble".
I suggest role playing. Even if you have to practice in front of a mirror. I would or I did this by writing down many situations that I felt very uncomfortable about. Then I would think about what I really wanted to say if faced with that problem. I then would answer it without the pressure of the confrontation and practice my answer. Sometimes I would change the answer as time went by or when I felt more comfortable with what I wanted to say. Even if you have to memorize a generic answer you will NEVER feel like you will "crumble" under the pressure. It worked beautifully for me and my 10 year old daughter who was constantly teased on the playground. We role played together and we are strong now. Good luck and God bless .

Hi there-to start I want to remind you to take care of yourself when you home school. Remember you don't have to come last all the time.

Also-I am very similar and so is my sister. We were dominated severely as children and it takes great courage to speak up for ourselves. I am better now that I have a husband that fights fair and encourages me to stand up for myself. I have also learned that I may be a wimp when it comes to defending myself but a momma bear for my children. I am better at all this than my sister because I went to boundaries seminars at the churches and that helped considerably build my self esteem. I have learned that to defend myself is not sassing and that the other person is the one that is at fault and not me. I am still not tough as nails but I am much happier today.

It is okay to say no - try not saying next time "Let me ask my husband" and just say "no". Good practice. :)

Dear S. G-Very often I feel that Jesus gives us the power to do things that are not in our comfort zone. You describe yourself as a Christian in you bio-and I would recommend that you pray about this very thing. Pray for God to give you the wisdom , power and courage to know when to speak and when to be silent. I also would go to your Bible's concordance and look up the word fear. It is said that 'do not fear' or similiar phrases are in the Bible 366 times-one for each day plus one. Very often when I struggle with fear I have repeated a verse of strength over and over in my head. As my son was growing up, I put different scriptures on 3x5 cards on his mirror occasionally to give him encouragement. You could do that with your boys so as to grow together in faith and love. Blessings-D.

Dear S. G,

You may not be able to speak up for yourself and others, but you write eloquently! Whenever you need to "voice" your opinion, perhaps you should write it instead, or at least FIRST. You might find that, at some point, you could READ what you had written to the person you need to speak to. If not, you could always simply write a letter or an email. You do that very well.

Of course, you should also pray about the matter. It is obvious from your description of yourself that you are a believer. I have already said a prayer for you as well. I also suggest that you read the book "Warrior Chicks" by Holly Wagner. It might give you courage.

Stay strong!

Deb D in Keller
Joshua 1:9
2 Timothy 1:7

Hi S.,

I used to be very shy and non-confrontational too. I learned how to stand up for myself at work years ago. I cried in front of my boss several times before I learned how to hold back those feelings of discomfort and frustration and gather my thoughts to have an equal-sided conversation. I'm sure it took a number of years to get over it, but now I have no problem speaking up.

I feel there is a time to show and use your angerin confrontation, and a time to speak calmly and nicely (most of the time, calmly is best). If you know something isn't right, "get all of your ducks in a row" and start a conversation with the appropriate person (make notes of the points you need to address - when necessary, I even take my list in to the meeting so I am sure cover everything I want to talk about).

When it comes to your children, they NEED you to stand up for them, for their well being as well as setting an example. Sometimes standing up for them is having a conversation and sometimes it's taking action. I recently had to remove my daughter from an in-home daycare because I didn't agree with how she ran things. I told her caretaker a bit about my concerns, but since I didn't plan to stay I didn't see it necessary to drag out all of my concerns.

In my experience there are way too many adults that have not learned to function and communicate in a confrontational situation. I see a lot of bad situations and a lot of people taken advantage of. It's a shame. You don't have to change as a person to stand up for yourself. Actually, I don't recommend you change much at all. Just gather your concerns, and voice your opinion then take the appropriate action. YOU are the only person you need to do right by. Best of luck!

You sound a lot like me. Someone suggested I read the book called "Boundaries". It is very good, and it deals where where I (you?) am at. You might want to check it out. Even though we love the Lord, and we can pray about the things that concern us, He uses people, and books to help us deal with situations.
J. H.

well, it looks like you got a lot of responses! I wanted to ask if you needed any info or whatnot on homeschooling?? What area are you living in? There are several groups in the Dallas area, I am more familiar with ones East of Dallas - Mesquite, Garland, Rowlett and Rockwall, and Plano.
Do you know about the homeschool bookfair in Arlington next weekend (Mother's day weekend: Fri. and Sat.)? check out their website: homeschoolbookfair.org
Anyway, if you want to respond to me (I assume we can do that here) and want any help in the homeschooling department, I've been homeschooling for 10 years now! :)

Your love for Jesus can assist you in these matters. If you believe that he said the meek shall inherit the earth, then be aware that he was also a warrior. Being a warrior does not have to mean being acerbic. State your position,
stay calm, and do not show any emotion. In doing so your fear will not show and you will seem thoughtful, firm , and centered. Try in your home and family first, then move on into the real world. You might consider the fact that
school serves a purpose beyond education. Learning to socilize and stay firm in one's beliefs is part of going to school. Good Luck and hope these thoughts are helpful.

Everyday, say out loud, Phillipians 4:13, "I can do all things throuch Christ who strengthens me." Say it, believe it & recieve it & it shall be. As for your childen, Pray the same verse for them & thank God in the name of Jesus that they are overcomers & will be strong in all they say & do. God bless you & yours.

God made us all in different ways for different purposes ;).

I too have always been a very passive person. I believe I have the gift for being a servant...I'm very quite and reserved and you put me on a job and I'll get it done without a lot of talking (or complaining :>). I don't know how old your boys are-I have a 5 year old and an almost 2 year old and I too had the exact same feelings when my oldest was younger. I worried constantly on when an issue would arise on how I wanted her raised or how someone was treating her and I wouldn't say what I felt. I finally just had to keep reminding myself that she is my daughter and I shouldn't care what other people say or who I hurt (unintentionally) by what I said-she's my daughter and I'm in charge of her and how I want her brought up. There were even times that another kid was being mean to my daughter and the other parent was there not saying anything and I didn't want to hurt my friends feelings by asking her kid to stop beating up on mine! I think that was the breaking point. I was being more concerned about someone else then my own child!

I could babble on and on about this but I believe it's just something you have to work though and I don't think it's that big of a deal. Just keep telling yourself that you need to do/say/whatever ...whatever is best for your kids :)

You've received some good advice. The only thing I would add is this: Confrontation does not always have to be a fight. In fact, it really shouldn't be that way. I have always gotten better results if I approach the other person firmly, but in love and kindness. If there's anything I can affirm in the person I'm confronting, I do that first, and then I talk to them about what's wrong. There doesn't have to be yelling or screaming or the kind of "I don't THINK so" attitude you see in other women and feel like you'll never be able to pull off. In fact, I don't think the Lord approves of such methods or attitudes. You can be the meek and sweet person you are, and still set boundaries and make other people stick to them. The Boundaries book will help you with that, and will help you to see that when other people react poorly to your firm boundary, THEY are the ones with the problem, not you.

S., I think you have the advice you need.

"but most importantly I want to be able to stick up for my children at all costs...I am their advocate, their caretaker, I am 100% responsible for them."

It is your responsibility as a Mother to stick up for your children at all costs. I'm 'reserved' most of the time, with the exception of being Miss Smarty pants today to a few coworkers. I was having fun, they weren't used to my playful behavior in the workplace. Actually I had a presentation to give and I was just having fun to relieve stress. Back to you. I only have one child, but I guarantee if something isn't right with him I have no problem asking what happened. He was in a childcare facility from 12 weeks until a few months ago. The HARDEST thing I had to do was leave him there and return to work. The easisest thing was to take him out and put him in a home care setting. Trust if DS wasn't returned to me in the same condition as he was when he was dropped off...I wanted to know about it. I realize kids will get bumps, bruises, scratches, etc. Just TELL me. It's their job to let me know. I let them know if he had a mark on him when he as dropped off and I didn't have to.

Speak up for your children. Practice in the mirror. You can do it!! Pray about it too. Good luck!

You are worth standing up for yourself and your children. If you feel something in your heart is right, you were getting a gentle nudge from inside. You don't have to be a person that confronts etc. but to stand up for yourself, you will need to pray about it, as on our own we can't do a lot of things, but since you sound like a Christian, I felt free to say that if you need to stand up for yourself or kids, to just ask for strength and the correct words, when to hold your tongue & the kind words to say while still standing up for yourself, this will take time it won't all happen over night.

I was listening to Turning Point today (you can listen online at http://www2.oneplace.com/Ministries/Turning_Point/)
and the message is "Courage Under Fire". Dr. David Jeremiah talks about having the courage to stand up to those who oppose you (not just the type of courage to go into physical battle as we typically associate "courage" with), but the courage to do what you know is right even when those around you disagree. Hope it helps and God Bless.

Hi S.! It is a great step that you recognize this about you! You should get the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (When to say yes and how to say no). It is perfect for your situation! I had a very domineering husband that had made me into a compliant person so I wouldn't experience his wrath. Luckily he was in the military and gone enough that I was able to regain enough of myself to leave him. It took some time and help from my best friend at the time to heal myself. I am now married to him. Anyway, the Busy Moms and Women group in our church is studying this book. It is amazing. It will walk you through how to regain your life with God by your side.

S., just remember that while God calls us to be in a submissive attitude towards authority, we are also told to not obey something that goes against His Word and to call those things out. You have God on your side for strength and that's the most important thing! I went through a pretty rough period with my daughter's father and custody issues and at times it was unbearable. But, I had a very loving and supportive husband and a very loving and graceful Father on my side. I still can't stand confrontation and I cry easily, but praying for strength helps me and just breathing deeply. I'm not sure exactly what types of situations you are dealing with, but I hope this helps you a little!

S.,
You just described me to a "tee" about 7 years ago. I have done a lot of work. None of it impossible but if you had told me I would be where I am today and still married to the same man I would have laughed and politley said thank you.
I went to Pathways Core Training and worked for some tools to use in my life. Tools that I was told Biblically were mine but I could never seem to access them. Too many fears, what ifs, and terrible scenarios running through my head.
I would love to talk to you about it. What is truly wonderful is that my faith is stronger now than it ever was before. You can email me at ____@____.com and I will give you my cell number.

You deserve to be powerful in your world and your boys need an example of a strong Godly woman and your marriage can be amazing even better than it is now!
I hope to hear from you!
Sincerely,
B. P

Boy, do I know what you mean, S.. Confrontation is hard for me, too! My daughter has "special needs," too, so I've really had to dig deep at times in order to speak up for her.

Here are 2 things that have helped me in the past.

#1 - Think of firefighters, policemen, soldiers and all the other really tough guys you can think of. They have jobs which require big-time confrontation! They literally face fire, not to mention physical injury, even death, every time they do their job. But they still do their job. Do they feel afraid? You bet they do. But they do their job anyway. Courage is not an absence of fear. It is doing what needs to be done in spite of the fear. It helps me to remember that definition, and to remember that I am only facing words and disagreement. Does that make sense?

#2 - I believe that even Jesus felt fear. When he slipped out to the garden, knowing he would soon die, I think fear was one emotion he asked God to help him deal with. I'm sure there were other scary moments that followed. So I believe we are called to face our fears, too. God can help, of course, and I believe he wants to. Jesus modeled for us that we're to turn to God and ask for strength.

So. Those are some things that help me pull myself together when I'm facing a confrontation. Maybe you'll find something in there that's helpful. I hope.

Have a great weekend.
Geri

Hi S.!
My husband and I are expecting our first child in September, so I'm not quite at the parenting stage yet, but I am a college music professor and do a lot of work with my students with their personalities to help with performances, nerves, and just with life in general.
There are some great books that I think you might enjoy and which I think can help you. The first one is a really fun read called "Personality Plus: Understanding others by understanding yourself" by Florence Littauer. It discusses the four basic personality types and combinations, pros and cons of each, and how we can help develop each one and work on weaknesses. I recommend this to everyone.
The second is called "Performance Power: Transforming Stress into Creative Energy," by Irmtraud Tarr-Kruger. It's out of print (I think), but I think you may still be able to get it (along with the other book) at amazon.com. This is a great book, and while it's geared toward musicians, I think it is a fabulous book for life situations in general, and a must-read for everyone. What I love about it is that it deals not just with the positives ("think positive"), but also with the negatives, thereby allowing you to really address your fears and work through them.
Good luck with this, and feel free to e-mail back if you have any questions at all! :)
-Christina

I have the same type of personality. In many ways people see me as a confident and smiling person, in many ways I am, but when it comes to confrontation I shake. It has been true for me all my life. I deal with things better now, but I'm 40 and God has brought many experiences in my life to make me practice. First, pray. (I know you're already doing that.) Second, get a "correct" view of the bully. Don't think of "not hurting their feelings" because they are not considering yours and dont care whether or not they are hurting someone else's. Third, practice, practice, practice. Do you have a close friend that you feel very safe with who knows of this problem? Maybe even your husband can help you in this. Role play with a friend or your husband. It is VERY important that you use someone who never bullies you and you feel very safe with. This will come with time. I am here to tell you that in any situation where you feel your children are in danger or where you feel that you MUST say something or stop something.... DO IT!! Be someone else, pretend, glare or yell!! whatever does it without harming your children in your reaction. The reason I say this is over a decade later I remember incidents with medical staff when I should've spoken up and didn't. They are things that I will only forget if I get alzheimer's! and are very painful to remember.

Many Blessings!!

HI, S.. I too love the Lord Jesus very much. I know you know that He made you to be who you are... have confidence in that... you are precious and special. YOur thoughts matter and you can set boundaries for how people treat you. It's amazing how people will respond when you just calmly state your case and let it be... it doesn't matter how they respond. In some cases, they are just acting in the flesh... trying to intimidate etc... you don't have to react. That's about all I can say... just know that youare special and God made you to be individual and worthy.... it doesn't matter what others think of you... just pray a lot about it... think how you think... say what you need to say... protect your kids... and pray!!! Let the Lord fight your battles. People will try to intimidate and talk down to you.... when you don't react, it's heaping coals on them.

HOpe it helps. God bless you...
Marly

I think your problem is the self image you have today is not inline with the self image you wish you had regarding having the ability to say what you really want to say. This is something that can be changed. We do not have to be satisfied with who we are, we can change who we are but we need help to do that because most people do not know how.

There is a mental coach locally - he works with athletes, stage performers and business professionals on Mental Management (controlling your mind under pressure) - his books are good for anyone who wants improvement in this area. I recommend his books to anyone who is needing a self image change.

His books are "With Winning in Mind" & "Freedom Flight - The Origins of Mental Power" by Lanny Bassham (he's an Olympic Gold Medalist). "With Winning in Mind" gives an outline of his system and talks about how to change self image in several of the chapters, "Freedom Flight" is his new book and it's a motivational message designed to help you through your fears - and helps you to realize that the environment does not control your attitude, you do.

Here is a link to Freedom Flight - http://www.mentalmanagement.com/a_freedom_flight_book.html

Here is a link to With Winning in Mind - http://www.mentalmanagement.com/a_wwim_book.html

They also have a free email newsletter and the articles in there might also be helpful.

Good luck on your quest for change!

S.,

I have the same issue. I have made a very deliberate effort over the years to over come it. All I can say is pray about it the qualities you want to display. When you know you are about go into a situation that would normally trigger the passiveness run through it in your head. Sometimes I even play out the likely conversation out loud so I can hear myself say the words. You just have to keep practicing and when you don't act exactly how you want, don't beat yourself up. It is hard to change things that are wired into us.

Good Luck,
C.

Below is from Purpose Driven Life - I know it says stress - but you sound stressed! First and foremost you have to know who YOU are...You can be someone who does STAND without making a scene or being domineering. I think the below info will help you get started.

Seven Secrets of Stress Management
by Rick Warren
Then Jesus said, “Let’s get away from the crowds for a while and rest.” There were so many people coming and going that Jesus and his apostles didn’t even have time to eat. Mark 6:31 (NLT)
*** *** *** ***
Jesus experienced enormous stress and pressure, yet it didn’t seem to disturb his peace of mind. In spite of opposition, constant demands, and little privacy, his life reflected a calm sense of balance.
What was his secret?
Identification – Know who you are (John 8:12)
Eighteen times Jesus publicly defined himself. There was no doubt in his mind as to who he was. If you are unsure of your identity, you’ll allow others to pressure you into their molds. Trying to be someone you’re not causes stress!
Dedication – Know who you want (John 5:30)
You can’t please everyone. Even God can’t! Just about the time you get “Crowd A” happy, then “Crowd B” willbe upset with you. Jesus never let the fear of rejection manipulate him. No one can pressure you without your permission.
Organization – Set clear goals (John 8:14)
Jesus said, “I know where I came from and where I am going.” (NIV) Preparation prevents pressure, but procrastination produces it. You work by either priorities or pressures.
Concentration – Focus on one thing at a time (Luke 4:42-44)
You can’t chase two rabbits at the same time! Jesus knew how to handle interruptions without being distracted from his primary goal.
Delegation – Don’t try to do everything yourself (Mark 3:14)
We get tense when we feel it all depends on us. Jesus enlisted twelve disciples. Don’t allow perfectionism, or the fear that others may do a better job, to keep you from involving others in the task.
Meditation – Make a habit of prayer (Mark 1:35)
No matter how busy Jesus got, he found time to get alone to pray everyday. A daily quiet time is a great stress decompression chamber. Use this time to talk to God about your pressures and problems, evaluate your priorities, and discover the rules for successful living by reading the Bible.
Relaxation – Take time to enjoy life (Mark 6:30-31)
Balance is the key to stress management. Work must be balanced with fun and worship.

Dear S. G.
Check out this website www.theroadadventure.org. It is an amazing seminar and it will help you see things from a different perspective and give you the tools to stand up for yourself. Please let me know if you have any questions about it. It truly is a wonderful seminar!
God Bless,
A.

I've read some very good advice posted to your question. If i were you, and i have been, and probably will be again. I would pray about it, and listen for that still small voice that lets you know what's right. Then bone up if it's something new to you that's the issue. (mine was asperger's syndrome that my son has, ten years ago hardly anyone even talked about autism, less knew about wsperger's!) that way you'll be up on the language someone might try to intimidate you with, and you'll know where to poke holes in the logic they use. It is a good idea to write things down, the facts and how you feel about the way you're being treated. If nothing else it gives you a chance to vent, so it's less likely you'll crater in battle. You want to keep your cool, even if you use any emotional aspects when you confront the person. If you're speaking up for your kiddos, emotional aspects are as important as any facts, for them. It's important they feel safe and valued, and it's shocking to me how grown, educated, professional people totally forget that side of things while actually meeting to discuss the welfare of the child. You may be the only real advocate for your child at the meeting of folks who get paid to 'help' him. Before the meeting, you might want to go to a private spot to practice your lines, see how things sound out loud before everyone can hear them. The last thing to do is the first thing you did, pray. Pray all the way up to the confrontation.
If you can't strengthen your backbone as fast as you want doing the things that people have suggested, it might be a good idea to see a counselor. Call 'family service' in fort worth or arlington. They might be able to help, or point you in the right direction to get help. Look online, look in the hard copy of the phone book, use every resource you can. You are so not alone, especially here in the south. I know where you're coming from, being a quivering yeller myself.

Good luck sweetie.
W.

Hi S.. My suggestion is simply to find a friend who exemplifies the qualities you wish you had for yourself, then learn from her. Watching how other people handle situations will give you ideas for yourself.

Good Luck and GOd Bless!

Hi S.,
You sound just like me a few years ago. I couldn't say no to anyone, and would just fall apart if someone questioned my opinion or anything! I was a normal person in all other respects, but spineless! The turning point for me was when my sister became terminally ill. She and her 7 year old son came to live with my husband, daughter and I. She needed someone to stand up for her and there was no-one but me. I did things I would never have done before, including asking for the manager of a store when they wouldn't let her in with her wheelchair. I got so mad, and just told them what I thought. And you know what, no-one laughed at me, shouted at me, or anything. I knew I was in the right, and I wasn't going to back down! This was such a momentous event for me that I have never forgotten it - it was in 1995! Of course, I could barely walk afterwards, my legs were shaking so much, but everything was OK. Since then I stand up for what I believe all the time. If I don't, who will? I know you can do the same. My sister died the following year, and I will never have any regrets about looking out for her. I would feel terrible to this day if I hadn't. For me it was this one time, it could be the same for you. You never know what you can achieve until you try. Just know that you, your opinions, and your heart are as good and valid as anyone else's. You don't have to be aggressive, and you don't have to be scared. I'm still here after all this time, and numerous backbone testing events. You will do it too, when you need to. I'm sure of it! Good luck!

Wow! You sound do much like me for most of my life and I'm now 44! There is an incredible book called "Boundaries" and I can't remember the author but you can buy it at any Christian bookstore. It comes with a workbook as well if you want it. Anway, after going through a nasty 2nd! divorce, someone gave me this book and it completely changed my life!!! You are worth setting boundaries by other people and situations in your life and this Godly book will truly change your life and eventually, those around you. You will realize how wonderful you are and how important your opinions are as well as those of others. Also remember, it is healthy to be a 'peacemaker' vs a 'peacekeeper'. One who is a peacemaker speaks into the issue with an honest pure heart in thoughts that it resolves issues instead of covering issues. God Bless you in your journey and realize YOU ARE BELOVED and well worth taking care of yourself. Your children do see you and will call you 'blessed' because they see you loving yourself enough to stand up for yourself.

S., check out a course called The Landmark Forum. www.landmarkeducation.com. It is a 3 day seminar that will resolve A LOT of those things you talked about. I did it over 10 years ago and it literally saved my life! Call or email if you want more details.

M.
###-###-####
____@____.com

I see someone suggested the Boundaries book and that is what I wanted to suggest to you. I am just like you and I am telling you the Boundaries book is helping me alot. Read it once. Let that settle in your mind for two weeks then read it again. You might consider doing this every two weeks until you start living it in every area of your life. There is a whole series but the first one I would get is Boundaries:When to say yes, when to say no to take control of you life. The next one you could get is Boundaries with Kids. Townsend and Cloud are the authors. Keep checking with the half priced books if you can. They get them all the time. I wish I could have read this book years ago. It is a must read for all people because everyone has different areas where they dont feel confident and we sometimes take a back seat. I wish you the best. If you need further info on this book or my experiences please dont hesitate to send me a personal meesage. I wish you the best. Take care and God bless.

I see that several mentioned the Boundaries book/and or Bible study. I, too, did the Bible study at my church, and also recommend it. Another option, is this, to maybe more figure out your personality. Our home group at church just did this a few months ago, and it was astounding. This personality test read us (there are 12 in the group) like a book, as we all agreed how after having taken the test, that it was so so accurate of the way we act, behave, etc.
There is a book that the test was taken from, of which I believe the test is in, although I haven't read the book itself. It is Your Personality Tree, by Florence Littauer. If the test itself is not in that book, it should be in some of her other books. I would love to read the book myself, after having taken the test and done some studies from the book for several weeks. It's so very interesting, and might show you an in depth look at why you behave the way you do, and provide some other suggestions or outlets for behavior in certain situations. God bless you, and you can overcome with Christ in your life, as I see you alrady know Him.

I have been known to change jobs because controlling people made me so uncomfortable. But surprise there was always another one at my new job! Over the years with lots of prayer and a supportive encouraging husband, I've gotten better. I came to realize in my circumstance God continued to bring me in contact with these types of people to help me grow and get stronger. Once I embraced that and stopped running away, I began to see improvement. It's a long road, but your not alone. God will meet you if you take steps of faith. I also recommend The Center for Biblical Counseling in Mckinney. They have a sliding scale for payments if needed. Teri Mills-Manuel is kind and could give you some wonderful biblical insight. Best wishes!
R.

S., it looks like you have gotten some great advice, but I just wanted to add that sometimes it may seem "unChristian" to stand up for yourself or your children because you don't want to seem mean or unpleasant. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Just remember Jesus chasing the moneylenders from the temple, and it may be easier for you to take a deep breath and calmly take a firm stance for your children's sake (or your own!).

Good luck to you.