Can Anyone Give Me Some Advice on How to Break Up?

I am in the same boat, only, I am married to it. I don't want to divorce him because I fear I won't be able to handle 2 growing kids on my own and his family will sue for sole custody and I can't bear to live without my kids, so I can't help you but if you think of any advice for me, please message me with it. Good luck

Write him a letter .Have it say what you would tell him face to face. He has not kept up with his part of the bargain and you do not owe him anything.

S.,
I dated a man long-term that sounds very similar to your boyfriend. Luckily, there were no children involved and I got out of the relationship, but not without the cycle of begging, crying, and pleading over and over again. I think I was exactly your same age when I finally broke it off. I finally realized that despite all the promises that he would never change, and the whole relationship was more like an never-ending cycle. The pattern, as destructive as it is, will continue- don't fool yourself. All of the crying is a complete control game and he knows exactly what to do to keep you hanging on. He will do it again and again because you let him second guess yourself. Know this- If he truly loved and cared for you, he would be a better man in this relationship, and that is the bottom line. You have to accept that completely before you can be strong and do what is right for you and your children. You deserve happiness just like everyone else, but you have to be the one to take the next step toward that happiness.
My advice is to pack and load everything up while he is not around and prepare yourself to leave. Don't give any clue that you are leaving. Get yourself mentally for what you are about to do and stay firm. When he gets home, grab your keys, walk up to him, and tell him that you are leaving for good, that you don't want to hear it anymore, and turn around and walk straight out to the car and leave- do not stick around or listen to anything he says. You have to do this to his face for closure. Tell him if he calls or bothers you again, you will get a restraining order. I know it seems brutal and over the top, but people like this just won't get it otherwise.
This is exactly what I did to my ex boyfriend, it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. He tried on one or two occasions to make contact, and I reminded him that further contact would have consequences. That was that. I am now married to a wonderful man who respects all the qualities that this other man abused. I know you have it in you to do the right thing- Trust me, you will be rewarded for your courage.
Remember how miserable you feel right now and think of this if you ever consider going back to him again, and know that it will never change. That should help you stick to your guns as going back will never be the answer. Best of luck to you and your kids.

Hi S.,

He sounds a lot like my ex-husband....very controlling.

First, make your plan. Make child care arrangements, prepare to change your locks, do what ever you have to do.

Second, prepare yourself mentally. Make a list of all the reasons you want to end it. Be ready, he's going to cry because it worked before. (Who would want to lose someone who take care of him and all his kids?) Decide what you want to say. When you feel yourself back-peddling, refer to the list of reasons you don't want this and remember that he isn't going to change.

Third, keep the list handy for the times in the future when you think you might want him back. If you can live with him the way he is, consider it. If not, don't marry him, it will only get worse.

Supporting 3 kids on your own is a lot, but 8 kids and a boyfriend has got to be more than anyone can handle alone. When I left my ex, a friend gave me a journal. She told me to write down every miserable thing he had done and, if I ever felt the urge to go back (he was verbally and emotionally abusive), re-read the list because it was only going to get worse. I never wrote a single word in that journal, but every time I look at it, I can see what I would have written. I've moved on and have a much better life now. It was hard, but it was worth it.

Good luck!!

hun if your not happy and you know its over then you just have to go. i see you work, i dont know if you all live together or not but if you do start looking for an apartment or house for you and your kids. once you find one move out. if you have your own place already just stay there change the lock and change your phone number if he gets obsessive get a restraining order. good luck

Hello S.,
Firstly,being a compassionate and empathetic person does not make you a wimp.It can however mean that your tender heart can and will be taken advantage of.Because believe me there are people out there who will take full advantage of you.
When I was a younger woman I was very much like you,would rather see myself hurt and upset than somebody else,until I spoke with a professional one day who told me to stop walking around with a 'doormat' on my back,because and this is my point,you will be teaching your children to behave in the same way.Ask yourself if you would like them to be treated in the same way as you have been?
Secondly,it seems as though you boyfriend has it made,a built in babysitter and housekeeper with limited benefits.Leave with no fuss ,no bother,just walk away with your head held up high and be strong not just for your kids but for yourself.There is no need to change your personality,just learn to say no now and again...try it..it can be very liberating..
Best of luck
A.

Yes I can give you that backbone. Boy, he must have a silver tongue! No wonder he doesn't want you to leave him, who would wipe his butt for him?!!!!!
This is what you do:
First, go to your house, take care of your own kids, do your own housework, and tell him that you aren't coming over to his house tonight or any other night. If he insist on trying to talk you into staying with him, just simply hang up. Don't answer the phone if he calls or the door if he comes over.
Apparently you really don't want to leave him or your would.
Get interested in someone else that way you don't mind being a jerk to him and it sounds like you are just going to have to get smart and be a jerk to him to make him understand.
The best thing is to just stay away, don't talk on the phone, don't answer the door.... ignore him totally. Surely he will get the hint eventually.

Breaking up is hard to do...S., You need to walk away. It is hard! Especially when his kids are depending on you too. You've come to love them, I know. I've been there. But you really have to break away from the children too. It broke my heart to leave my ex's children. That was the hardest part. But you gotta do what is best for you and yours. Tell him it's over. walk away. and if he comes after you, drive away, dont look at him. Dont answer your phone when he calls. Dont answer the door when he comes over pleading. Call the cops if you have to. Make sure everyone at your work knows you've broke up and tell them you want to keep it away from work that you dont want any personal calls (except from school). Keep your cell phone off.
You may cry for a few days..But you'll soon feel the freedom. And it is wonderful! I have a nice relationship with my ex's mother, so I get reports on how the children are doing. They know that I love them still, and it's not thier fault I left. You gotta do for you now!!! Keep in your head youare better than that loser. Good luck!

Some people are difficult to break off a relationship with because they manipulate the situation to be what they want. (That is what the crying sounds like.) I would cry too if the person who comes in and cares for my 5 children said they would no longer provide these free services.

Focus on you and your children and what is best for your immediate family.

If you are ending the relationship, it may be best to do so on the phone or in writing. If you do it over the phone, you could still write down what you need to tell him and have it in front of you. Stay focused and if this is the best decision for you, be sincere when you tell him you are sorry it did not work out.

Be prepared for him to try to manipulate and use his children. Be firm. Be prepared for the crying and begging and pleading. That way when it happens you are ready for it. It may even be necessary to discontinue any communication for several weeks to prevent ongoing attempts to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

Be strong. Some situations are very difficult to manage, but turn out very well in the end.

Wow- how to be strong? I don't really no. I've always been told I was an ice queen because I can really distant myself from people emotionally and have always just been there for myself. If you don't like confrontation, maybe write it down first? That way you'll have a script you can read to him. Or you could do like my 1st husband and just pack your stuff and leave a letter. Be strong- your kids need it! (Apparently his kids do, too, but that's not your job!) Your responsibility is to yourself and YOUR kids. You don't want to stay in a miserable situation- then everyone will be miserable. Good luck!!!!

Getting over a fear of confrontations is probably going to take a little longer than you're willing to stay in this relationship. However, you can leave this relationship and then tackle that fear. If you're the one leaving, then just pack your things one day and leave while he's not home. My aunt did that very thing to my uncle, because she didn't want to confront him on the situation beforehand, knowing he'd talk her out of it. If you don't love this guy, then you're really doing both of you a disservice while staying. Of course, he wants you to stay, but he doesn't realize you don't love him anymore. If he truly knew that then he probably wouldn't mind you leaving so much. I understand you don't want to hurt his feelings, but this just sounds like something that needs to be done swiftly. Just make the decision to do it, and DO IT! No one is going to do it for you. If he finds out and tries to talk you out of it, just remind yourself over and over "I don't really love him, and that's not fair to either of us."

well i am not sure if your three children are boys or girls or both but you have to rembmber by staying in a relationship like this you are teaching them that this is okay! If you have a girl just picture her years form now in a reationship like this. I'm sure you would hate to think that you taught her this is what a relationship is suppose to be. And the same if you have a son would you want him to treat someone like your boyfriend treats you!

People do what they know. So teach them that this is not okay. I know it is hard to break-up with someone but if you feel yourself caving in just picture your childrens future relationships. and do this for them!!

Hope this helps!!
L.

This is your priority - and it's really easy, so write it down -

God
You
Your Children
Work
Dating

Second - set a date, but not too far (say one week from today). - the date you set will begin a new chapter.

The advise that everyone gave is exceptional, so lean on this community if you need or seek a good pastor or church friend that will beable to "talk you off the ceiling" for the first 3-4 weeks after you make a go of it.

Most of us have been in a relationship that just didn't work - and it is OK and makes us stronger and who we are. I would suggest on taking some time after this relationship and giving it some time, so your children and you can be together without any outside influences.

Stay strong - a year from now, you'll look back and know how strong you really are.

Breaking up is always hard to do..no matter who you are or how long you have been together.You sound like me 2yrs ago..appr.I was in a marriage of 16yr and no longer could stay there..for the same reasons you have..sort of..wont go into it but I decided to leave I did.I went through the house got rid of everything not needed or wanted.Decided where I was going to go and when..packed my things and left.You have to think about you and your kids..not him.When he starts to cry,beg you to stay you have to stand firm and say no..this is better for ME.Next time he asks what is wrong tell him straight out that you are leaving and why..and when he might try to get you to stay but it will sink in that you are leaving sooner or later.If your kids are still in school..make that the date you are leaving..end of the school year and make sure you have everything back under control by the time they start school.That way you have some deadlines.You have to get a backbone and doing it now is better then later..good luck..
S. B

Hi S.,

Maybe you don't want to break up "bad enough". When you do, there will be no more excuses or beating around the bush. However, in case you are genuinely unconfrontational, think of your kids and what this is possibly doing to them which is having their mother stretched and unhappy. Do you want them to have the same problem when they are adults? You have to want to set by example and we all know that sometimes that is not an easy task. He is not going to change, that is evident. Now if you still just can't do it, maybe you need help ... as in intervention. Get your father and/or mother, brother and/or sister, uncle, friend, or just someone who has your back to assist you in telling your boyfriend and helping him "get it" once and for all WITHOUT negotiating his way back into your life. I wish you the best of luck because otherwise, that will be your life - but I hope you can do it.

A.

You said in your problem that you don't love him anymore. That should be enough for you; this isn't a confrontation it's making a decision that is right for you and your family. If you are spending time doing for his family, then what are your own kids doing? This is not a confrontation as much as it is an opportunity to put your own feeling first and let him, and the world, realize your own feelings are important and deserve to be acknowledged. You don't love him anymore, he doesn't bring you happiness; don't you deserve more?

.

I was in your shoes before. I have two (he had two) and I felt the exact same way. He convinced me to move in with each other after a year so that it would be easier on me to continue taking care of EVERYTHING and it only got worse from there. The sad thing is that even though I knew the whole situation was wrong, I stayed...I loved the kids and that was a bond that was HARD to break.

However, once we moved and remodeled and bought new appliances and HE was settled, he threw me out. He had no problem doing what I needed to do (or never should have done to begin with) a long time before that.

Yes, it hurt. I was SEVERELY lost without everything to do. My life went from constant hectic to very slow quickly and it has taken a lot of time to heal. On the positive, my life is much better and even my children realize that.

Do this for yourself and your kids as soon as possible. You will be surprised at how much better life can be. And you definitely want to do it before he does...that is a shock you don't need or want.

Good luck and stick to your decision!

PS- It gets much better too...there are other fish in the sea and some of those fish actually appreciate you! I now have an amazing man in my life!!! It was one of those situations where before I couldn't see the forest for the trees but sweetheart life goes on and I promise it can be a better one than the one you are living now. Love yourself, love your kids!

S., You could be leading such a happy life with just you and your kids! Do NOT let this worthless boyfriend run your life - he is just using you!!!!! At least you realize you do not love him; do not let him throw a guilt trip on you. Just say you are through, you have a family of your own, and you are leaving! Then LEAVE and don't look back! There is a spine somewhere in your body...you just have to do this and you will be SO proud of yourself. And you will have a happy life with just YOUR kids - they will be happier, too, I'm sure! Good luck.

Secure housing for you and your kids, speak with a counselor (pastor, therapist, etc). You may need to leave when he is not there.

I know the sad part is the impact on his children. Perhaps you can put a bug in Social Services' ear or a neighbor's ear or a Pastor's ear to keep a watch on the family.

You need to protect your family first.

S., it's time you take back your life. No one can take power over your life without your consent, and you gave him that long ago when he found your weakness. No one likes the feeling of disappointing someone, but let's get real. Are you willing to live with him forever just because you feel powerless? If you don't make the decisions for your, and your child's, life, someone else will. Doesn't it make you angry that you don't feel empowered over your life? You can change that!!! Only God should have that kind of power over you. You're teaching your daughter how to live and what to put up with as she grows up. What do you want her to be like, a yes person all the time? That's trouble waiting to happen down the road. You can do this!! The more you take control of your life, the stronger it will make you, and your daughter will be better because of it. You don't always have to say yes to people. No is a wonderful word, just like yes can be. Pick and choose where to use each of those words. Good luck!!!

I am probably not one to give advise on this, I left my husband and kicked him out over 4 times, he talks his way back in every time. I recently found out that he has bipolar and I am praying that is the reason for most of the problems. Just try to be strong, tell him how you feel everyday. If it comes down to it, and if you are strong enough, call the police and have him removed. and the best thing, when he is gone is just aviod him and don't talk to him. The hardest part you are going to go through is your relationship with his kids, you won't have that anymore and you have to come to terms with that.
Good luck and I wish I could be of more help.
A.

Do what one of my friend's did when she broke up with her ex, pack up all his stuff and throw them on the front lawn. Tell him it's over and refuse to let him talk you into staying. Tell him you don't love him, you want him out, he won't change, you've had enough.... tell him how you honestly feel. If he says "he'll change" tell him he has to change first, then you MIGHT take him back. The thing is, he won't change; and if he shows that he has, he may revert back to how he used to be. Men don't change; they act a certain way that you approve of, then they get comfortable, and go back to how they used to be.
I hope you get up the courage to throw him out cause he sounds like he's no good for you. Good luck hun and my prayers and hopes for your future.

WOW... I can see why he wants you around S.. You are much too young to be raising eight children! This is not Colonial Times! That may sound harsh but it's also very unfair to your own children. Please walk away and know you did what you could. It's time to live your own life and make happy memories with your children. Part of the reason why you're not leaving is because of his 5 children but, sadly, they're HIS children not yours. You can't leave 1/2 way...still coming over in the evenings to fix dinner and put the kids to sleep. It's all or nothing because that really is confusing to ALL the children. He needs to get an evening nanny who can fulfill your duties. It's a difficult situation that you're in S. but you can do this. A year from now you will feel blessed that you made the right move. If not...you'll find yourself in your 30's wishing you had. Make a sound plan, make the move...make new memories...you're too young! Keep your faith and stay safe. K. S.

S.,

The bottom line is that you can't afford to stay with this man. You owe it to your own 3 children to give them a better life and a better male role model. It's about having personal integrity - some call that a backbone. It's also about bringing out the protective mama bear in you and putting your kids first rather than your own feelings of thinking you need to make everyone (your boyfriend) happy. Life isn't about making other people happy. It isn't even about finding your own happiness. Life is about having purpose. One of your main purposes is being a responsible and intentional mother and creating a beautiful life for them so that they will grow up to be fulfilled people who don't look to a relationship for life's meaning.

Now that you've been noodle-whipped =) I just want you to know that you are a very brave woman. You are exposing your weakness to a community and that can be very scary. You intuitively know that you have to bite the bullet and take care of business. If this sorry person you are connected with as a significant other is going to break down and cry to manipulate you, then so be it. Your purpose is not to solve his problems. You brought 3 amazing kids into the world, take the courage it took you to post on mamasource and step up to being the mother you already are but are not recognizing.

If you want any more noodle whipping (or support) =) don't hesitate to contact me. I'll come over there and hold your hand while you say good-bye; heck, I'll even help you pack up if need be.

Be courageous, be complete with integrity, be a noble mother.

At this point -- my suggestion would be that (1)pray!!!! ... and (2)if you can't 'grow a backbone' for your self ... grow one for your daughters and stand up for them. Remember -- they see what is going on and how you are handling things and you don't want them to follow in your footsteps and not stand up for themselves. It can be a vicious cycle -- break it now before it's too late. Be a strong example to your young ladies.

Good Luck

S., We need to go for some coffee and have a talk.

Of course he doesn't want you to leave him... LOL
He has a maid and a built in babysitter!

Girl, think of the worst thing that can happen and image it.
There... see is it that bad?

You know, he should be at your beck and call... as you are doing EVERYTHING for him and then some... so why should he do anything???
You are enabling him to continue his laziness and neglect of his children.

What is he going to do without you? That is HIS problem he is an adult and with 5 children he needs to find out what he is going to do.
I know you care about the children, it is in our blood per say but sweetie... you are being taken advantage of in more ways than one.

He isn't' even respecting you... He is ALL talk.. otherwise he would be able to DO something for himself.

He needs to hire a nanny...

Ask yourself, what am I getting out of this relationship?

S., a relationship is valued by 2 people not just one.
What did he do before you came along???
I mean with 5 children.. he needs to get his act together not later right now!

He is sucking the life right out of you and therefore you won't have the energy to tend to your own as you have 5 extra...

Just don't show up... They always say, actions speaks louder than words... tell him again about breaking it off... if you get the song and dance tell him to save it. You want more out of life... after all if you are already a single parent to your 3... and life is hard enough... why in the world would you behave like you are the single parent of 8????

S., just don't answer his calls, don't go over BE BUSY!!!!
don't answer the door, he will get it although he is desperate so things may get ugly before they get better... be prepared... think of the worst that can happen and then it won't be a big deal.

He is emotionally draining you... Let him deal with his life.. after all he has made it what it is.

IF he has addictions... those are skeletons in his closet. Bathing the girls and taking care of 2 households is for the birds!

I would drop that man like a hot potato!

YOu DESERVE better S., don't you think?
Don't you deserve someone that will "HELP" you maintain a relationship and a household, how can you respect a man who can't even take care of his own family.. he surely can't take care of yours.

There is better out there. I know... I got blessed a second time. I am a SAHM who works PT, I homeschool my DD but my DH will come home and cook if need be, do whatever it is that is needed to keep the house going. I am sharing this with you that although these things are primarily my responsibilities he does help... when and if needed after working all day.

S., please, for you own good and the good of YOUR children... remember that actions speaks louder than words.

((HUGS))
Have you considered going to counseling? I say this as he is emotionally abusing you... he is manipulating you to do what he wants... you are giving him control each and every time you listen and stay...

Staying for what?????

if you want to talk more about this email me.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

S.,

I agree with many other posters here that you need to set your priorities in a new direction. Think about this (and get angry over it, anger will help you get the gumption you need to end this!)
1) You and your children are way up higher on the priority list than this guy.
2) Your are only 25, you need to worry about YOU and YOUR relationship with your children (How much quality time do you get with YOUR kids while tending to HIS household and HIS kids?)
3)If this bozo is sufing dating sites then he probably already has one or two on the hook that he can reel in the minute you walk out the door - this is just as bad as physically cheating on you- and how do you know he isn't? Also, he is crying because it makes you stay - a bird in the hand is much better than two in the bush (or on the internet in this case)
4) Children learn about relationships from their parents/caretakers, what kind of example are you setting for them? How are they going to learn to have healthy relationships in their adulthood if they never saw one?
5)People get paid for being housekeepers and nannys, bet you don't reap a plug nickel from all the work you do. Think of all the time and money you will have to devote to you and your kids if you didn't have to take care of this guy and his brood.
6)This guy has FIVE kids and can't take care of them? You need to RUN, RUN, RUN from someone who is that irresponsible - you will be stuck with this loser the rest of your life if not.
7)He has absolutely NO respect for you - he lets you do all the housework and is cheating on you. You are going to have to learn to love and respect yourself enough to get past the nonconfrontational issue you have. YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER THAN HIM, make this your mantra and mutter it under your breath as you tell him goodbye!
8) I bet you have friends who see the situation and would be happy to see it end, go to them for support and to feed your anger over the situation.

I hate to advocate anger, but sometimes that is the passion you need to end something bad. You don't have to retain it once it is over. Transform that anger into self-respect for fact that you cared enough about yourself and your kids to learn from, and get out of a bad situation. And for goodness sakes, don't beat yourself up over it - many of us have been there done that. It's never easy, hon and everyone here wishes you the very best of luck - you need to post again and let us know how you are once you dump this guy.

I have never been great at confrontation, either. I have found the best way to break-up with someone is to write a letter. You seem well-spoken so I am sure you could express what you are trying to say very well to him. That way there is no confusion over what is said because it is right there in a letter, and you can go back and change something if that is not what you really wanted to say before you give it to him. Obviously, your situation is probably not going to be as easy as giving him a letter and that being the end of it, but I would think it would be a good start, even if you just keep it to yourself for a few days. I wish you the best of luck! Stay strong and listen to "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor over and over. It sounds like that song was written for you. You can do it!

I think that you will find the strength to do this once you think about what you are teaching your children by staying. If you have boys, you are teaching them that they can demand that a woman do all of the work and keep up jobs, houses, and children while he does nothing. If you have girls, you are teaching them that women are weak and can't say "no" to a man. The girls are also being taught that their sole purpose in life is to work and do for others at the cost of their sanity. You need to teach your children that sometimes people do things out of love and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But, when it starts ruining your soul, it is time to cut the losses. Explain that adults need to work together to make a relationship work and that all chores are to be divided so that both people are happy. Good Luck!!

take care of your own familyFIRST!!! ARE YOU ENVOLVED IN A CHURCH? it helps.bible study.you have strength call on theholy spirit for inner strenth &guidience. you need to think positive you have backbone you just have to learnhow to use it!!

take car of your own family. people will use you, if you let them. find strength in GOD .are you active in church? it helps.

o

Hi S.!
I didn't read through all the advice you got, but from what I did read, it sounded like sound advice. What I would add is surround yourself with people who will support you and help you to be accountable. If you can afford it, find a good counselor who can help you work through the issues you have with confrontation and build your confidence so you can start sticking up for yourself! Also, the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is excellent. You can do it!!!!

Hi S., It's me , the novel writing lady.
I just wanted to add that I'm sure it's hard to think about leaving 5 kids that depend on you for so much. They must love you for being so attentive and willing, something their Dad needs to be doing himself.

Lastly my other proof that when you do something that is hard like this but neccesary for you well being,true happiness does find you, ( when you are free to be found) is my 25 yr old daughter S. who was with a boy for 7 yrs. He loved her but did not want to grow up and be what she needed him to be. She finally after many yrs of broken heart moments and giving him 2nd chances, left him and within the year met a guy that she had only known of in school, (didn't hang out or date) and after their first date she knew and told me she could marry him, he told his mom the same thing. Within 5 months of dating she became pregnant, they married, (not the order they thought things would transpire) had a rough patch right after the baby was born,( so much so soon, I think they were both in freak out mode) and now my daughter couldn't be happier. They are made for each other, you can just tell.

your prince is out there to, he just won't show up until you get rid of the frog.

I feel like I know you, I love you, and support you in listening to your heart. Please don't endure one minute of this guys nonsense more than you have to , and you don't have to. How do your kids feel about sharing there mom with 5 other kids of a man that doesn't respect you at all?

I know my kids could relate to what your kids might be feeling.

Please feel free to contact m, I have so much I want to tell you but I think you probably have heard enough. I just know what I went through and would love to save you the heartache.

But you have to love yourself enough to stand up for what you want and some guys truly don't care even when they say they love you, they don't know what real love is. Real love doesn't do what your boyfriend is doing and not doing.

God bless you, Do your thing girl, your kids will thank you someday.

Well, S., you are a lot like me. I hate confrontation and because of that there have been times in my life where I have been miserable just to try to make everyone around me happy. I finally decided it was time for me, and that is what you need to do. I know you feel compassion in your heart for his children and that is most difficult. You are 25 years old and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't sacrifice yourself for someone else, just be strong and deal with it and you will be proud of yourself and you will be happy. Just always remember the experience, learn from it and grow and know not to ever get in this situation again. Pray for the kids and let them know you care about them and will always and voice your opinion of how he makes the kids do everything for him and what he is doing to them in the "break up talk". What have you got to loose? He may not be aware of how he is. Sometimes people get in routines and don't even realize they are hurting someone else until they are told. Be strong girl! Best of luck!

Oh my gosh, that is a lot of children and a lot of responsibility. I could go on and on about this b/c I was in this situation but, I will try to make it brief. First of all, you need to read some self help books, they really do help. They helped me stay sane and not cry so much. Secondly, start a journal with your thoughts, things he does, things he says, etc Monthly you will go back and read it and think, "do I serioulsy put up with this?". Now, to make you stronger. YOu have a responsibility to YOUR children, not his. You have a responsibility to raise those children as safe as possible and make them into good people. Do you think your children do not pick up on your unhappiness? Do you think they do not see how he treats you? Do you want your children to grow up and either treat their wife like he treats you, or worse yet, your daughter let a man treat her this way? It WILL happen. They follow what they see. You are the ONLY one who can take care of you. Don't you want more for yourself? Don't you want that once in a lifetime, heart pounding, mad passionate true love? Why do you give yourself to this man? Has he earned you? Does he deserve you? Do you think that no one out there will be good enough for you, or you not good enough for them? I dated a guy for 6 yrs that I truly did not love after about 2 yrs. I stayed b/c he would cry, threaten, freak out, beg, etc and I was too soft, too insecure, no backbone, etc By the 4th year I hated him. I even told him I hated him, cheated on him openly, I HATED him for what he did to me but yet I did not want to deal with the confrontation. It was truly easier to stay. Then, I met my husband. My once in a lifetime, truly, madly, deeply, soul mate. I called that boyfriend within 2 weeks of meeting my now husband and dumped him. Just like that. He cried, he called, he begged. I hung up and never answered again. He called my work but knew that it was over. I felt nothing, leaving him was so easy and I had been w/ him for SIX years of my life! When I hear of women staying with men that treat them badly I get so upset. You have one chance, one life, BE HAPPY! Let those children see happiness in their mommy. Even if you are alone, you will be happier! Don't let that man convince you he will change. They DO NOT change! His "computer problem", that is a sickness and he could not change if he wanted to. You get out of there and don't worry how he lives, deals with his life, his kids, etc They were fine before they met you and they will be fine again. Read books like, "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrent. Please if nothing else, think of your kids, show them what happiness truly is and show them strength, show them what love is, show them what respect is. While he is at work, get your things, your kids, and get out. Change your number if you have to. Leaving my ex was THE BEST Thing I have ever done. I look at that relationship as one that ruined 6 yrs of my life, I don't even remember the first 2 yrs even though they were good....I hate him for making me that low but the sad thing is, I let him do it to me. Don't let him treat you this way. You teach people how to treat you. Teach him he treated you wrong and move on. The next man should have to earn you, respect you, etc Believe me, it is out there. Your true love is out there and when you find him, marriage is GREAT. I have been married for almost 8 yrs and am still giddy when my husband comes home. When you get into it with him, repeat this to yourself over and over...."love is not this hard, love is not this hard" over and over. Feel free to write to me if you need to, I will boost your confidence!

W. M

The best way is to take your kids out of the picture. Find a friend to stay with for a few days or to at least leave the kids with. This will help provide another spacer between you and him. Just start packing your things. Do it while hes not around to interupt you, not to say that you just up and leave but if yoou get a few boxes packed and in your car you are less likly to back down if you have some visual spacers between you and him. Good Luck!

Boy is he using you and working you at the same time. Does he have custody of the kids? If you feel you will give in everytime he cries or whines, write a letter to him tell him exactly how you feel. You don't appreciate doing all the work while he plays. That he needs to grow up and be a Dad and a Man. Does he really want his kids to remember him on the computer all the time or playing with them? Leave the letter where he won't miss it, Pack your stuff and hit the road. (you could slowly start taking it out a little at a time so he doesn't notice) Don't answer any of his calls and go where he can't find you for about a month. He will get the message.
Remember girl, you can't go on with your life and find mister right if mr loser is on the couch beside you! I also wouldn't move in with anyone with your own kids until the I dos! YOu have to think of yourself and your own children first.

Honestly, everyone is going to tell you to pack up your stuff and get the hell out, but I don't think init is that easy. I am thinking that you are worried about his kids and are afraid to leave them.
It stinks that they are the ones that are going to bare the brunt of his continued irresponsiblity.
However, I would remember that if you continue to accept this it won't get better and you are showing the children that it is OK to behave this way. Moreover you probably never want your girls to grow up and be treated like the maid either- so you really need to be careful about the example being set.
I would try to break it off and then set up a strict schedule.
Tell him you will be by to visit the kids etc. on such and such days.
If he continues to treat them badly then tell him you will not hesitate to get Child and Family services involved. It sounds rough, but one way or the other he needs to grow up and take care of himself.
Hopefully the kids won't suffer in the process.
Stay positive and remember that they model their behavior after you. So if you are strong and confident they will be as well.

It sounds like he is using you. Does he have custody of his children? It sounds like you are to scared to leave the children, maybe? You are to young to raise 8 children. You should no way put your own children ever in this situation. You need to stop this, and put your children first. If you're taking care of two households and his children, your own children are missing out on there mother and I think that is very sad. You don't need advise on how to grow a backbone, you just think of your children and DO IT. I hope you listen to everyones advice and leave this time. Good Luck

I had to respond to this. I am happily married now. But at one time I was engaged to a guy for over 3yrs. We'd break up and I'd take him back over and over. He was not right for me I'll say. And he cheated on me often. But I thought I was better off with him than without him. I was wrong.

What finally gave me the strength to let our breakup be final? My cousins and my mom made a bet to see how long it'd take me to take him back. It varied from 1 week, to 3mths. But they didn't tell me. I only found out because I worked with one cousin and he was there when the ex showed up one night to talk to me. He kept riding by and riding by and I couldn't figure out why and I was more focused on him, than what the ex was saying. I finally got the ex to leave, without really talking, and went to hunt down my cousin, found out about the bet and was determined, I'D WIN that bet! And I did.

I can only offer you that you need to decide that YOUR kids come first. Do you want them in this situation? Would you want your daughter to stay with someone in this situation?

And limit your contact with the ex. Hard to do, especially if you live in a small town. But that's my advice. Sorry I can't help more. Good luck.

WendyK