I Know the School Year Is Almost Over....

It's time to have a big sit down with your mother. She is WAY out of line and she needs to respect you and your children. She is hurting your younger children with the favoritism. School time is school time. Don't wait till next year. Start laying down the law over the summer. If she behaves, then plan a weekly family thing. Talk to the school, and ask them for some help with this. YOU are the mother, and if you don't want your child's day to be interrupted and messed up by her, then you need to put on the big girl panties and lay that out for her. And too bad if she gets mad. I'm guessing she's always been like this. Someone has to stand up to the BS.

I just read your previous post, and honestly, I wouldn't want to let my children have alone time with her. She has not shown good judgement in the past, and it doesn't look like that has changed. In your own words, you need to "break the cycle" by changing this relationship. Just to reassure you, I would not leave my son alone with my mother - so I feel your pain with the
"bad" mother situation.

I can definitely see why you are annoyed. Sounds like your mom learned from her mom to be competitive with the current mama in charge. Yikes.

I taught elementary for several years, and I've never known of a group of kids to get THAT many visits during school! I also think it's a little weird that both of them (your mom and your GM) are spending all of their time at the school with the older ones and not with the littles, when they could take them places or spend time with them at your house or their's. Sounds like they like the attention THEY get while at school.

I'm very confused about the phone calls. Kids are calling your mom??? Or your mom is calling them???? VERY inappropriate!!!!

As to solve the problem, I think the kids at school should be off limits unless YOU give permission...say 1-2 times a month. You will need all summer to drill this point home, and yes pay the price if Grandma is being juvenile. However, now is the best time. She doesn't have a place to access them without going through you first. She won't go too long without seeing HER girls if she decends another black cloud. You also need to let her know that the younger girls have expressed that GM doesn't love them as much. (Breaks my heart.)

You need to explain that she is stepping on your toes as mama, something I'm sure she has experienced from your GM. It's obviously not all about you, but it shouldn't be all about HER either.

GOOD LUCK! (You're going to need it!) :(

I agree with DVMMOM that you should talk to the administration and teacher and say that these visits by not one but two adults to your children must end.

I do fault the school for allowing visits on the playground, in the cafeteria, in the classroom too--? Our school would never, ever let that go on. Parents can come to the lunchroom, period, unless they are volunteering. You must have a reason to be there. And beyond that, the classroom teachers do NOT want parents there unless the parents are volunteering for a specific need as identified by the teachers! I am amazed and appalled that the teachers have not already spoken to you pretty harshly about grandma and great-grandma. And our school also has a clear policy: Do not bring outside food in for your kids if they already brought or bought a lunch; it is distracting to other students.

Sorry, but when you caved and told your mom you were just kidding about her cutting back her visits, you in essence gave her your permission to continue this mess. Time to stiffen the spine and tell her AND your own grandmother that this is over, starting in the next school year.

Tell them that the school AND YOU believe that having visitors is distracting to other students. Point out that the reason grandma does not see heaps of parents and grandparents visiting during the school day is that those parents and grandparents are respecting the teachers by not coming in and distracting the students. (She will fuss and fume but stick to your guns and say it over and over if you must.)

You also have an excellent chance, with summer now here, to establish some new rules with these women, your own rules. I would bet that once school is out, grandma is going to be all over your family, wanting to take your girls here and there all summer long. Is that a correct assessment? If so -- nip it in the bud this instant. Have your girls booked up, even if that means "We have plans today" and nothing more formal than that. If grandma tends to drop in unannounced: "The girls all have play dates/camps/classes/we're doing a day trip, so please call this summer any time you think you would like to see them and we will see when we can work it out." If you are at home and she comes over unannounced, feel free to say, "Sorry, mom, this is not a good time. How about Wednesday at 3?" And so on. She has gotten away with doing what she wants, when she wants, for too long. Only you can prevent this becoming truly toxic.

I feel horrible for you. Grandma thinks she is being very involved with her grandkids and is a wonderful grandmother when in reality she is manipulating the school and you, too, to get what she wants when she wants it.

One thing eventually will happen for sure: One of the grandkids will tell you, "I wish grandma wouldn't come to school so much. It's kind of embarrassing." The oldest one will be first to say it. Grandma has zero idea of how kids' social worlds operate. She will then probably "dump" the oldest girl from her visiting roster and show favoritism to the younger ones...until they too grow cool to her smothering attention.

Seriously, you have to stop this so that next year the teachers know YOU are the mom. You have to tell her and the school to stop this. If you really must, I believe the school should have a form that lets you say who can drop off or pick up a child; ask if there is also a form for who can come onto the campus to visit a child. You may have to go so far as to list her as not being allowed to visit. Try first to resolve it by telling her to stop and meaning it this time.

Why does the school allow them to come "visit" so often? I would think that the school would want to stop it and I imagine it is a bit disruptive.

Also, how is it that the school is allowing someone else to bring food for your child that you have not authorized them to have?

Seems to me the school needs to set some boundaries.

Why'd you let this go on so long?

Get an appointment to talk to the principal. Don't go into as much detail with him or her as you did here (especially if it's a man - his eyes will roll back in his head and he'll go into man-coma). Tell him that your mom and grandmother are there far too much and are trying to usurp your place as your kids' mom. The fact that the teacher talks to your mom instead of you is a real concern, and even the kids have acted like they don't believe you are the real mom.

Ask him or her to help you by telling your mother and grandmother not to come to the school without an appointment to help. It should also be worked out in advance that they NOT help out in the classrooms. Perhaps she could be a lunch monitor where they are watching ALL the students. They could even be playground monitors. That way they could see the kids, but not have access to the kids' teachers.

Don't bring up great-grandma always competing with your mother - that's too much.

Tell the principal that you have tried to handle this yourself with your mom, and it has ratched up rather than dwindled. Say that you really need the help and that you are trying to help the school too. It is not a usual thing that a grandmother has this kind of access to her grandkids' teachers when there is a mother and dad in the picture, AND the kids don't live with the grandparents. The issue of the teacher communicating about the kids is a real problem for you.

I really think that the principal will see your side of this, and would be happy to play "the bad guy" for you.

Good luck!
Dawn

Step 1) your going to have to steele yourself to deal with a dark cloud for awhile. No "I was joking" anymore. Yes. She may sulk for months. It's JUST like with a toddler. If you give in, she'll just keep it up.

Step 2) you need to meet with the school. Actual appointment sit down meeting w teachers & principal. They may well be of the thought that either your daughters alone or your whole family lives with her. They may think you want her there. You need to be very clear with them. You may even need to sign a 'not allowed on campus / or with my children form. I'm sending my children to school for an education, not so that grandmas can come socialize 2, 3, 4x per week in addition to their coming over to our home. I feel my children's social and academic lives are suffering because they WILL NOT LISTEN TO ME and just drive up here and accost my children in class, at lunch, and on the playground at recess. I need the schools help in laying down these boundaries.

Step 3) Tell your mom and grandmother that they are no longer allowed up at the school.

WOW! What school is this? I can not believe, in this day and age, your school doesn't have a visitor's policy for security purposes. Aside from your annoying situation with your mom and grandmother, this is downright dangerous and you should be down at that school complaining to staff that something needs to be done!

From what you describe, any female off the street could walk into the school, claim to be a relative of your daughter and either hang out in the classrooms and halls unchecked or walk off with them, and you'd be none the wiser. Shocking! Scary! Unbelievable! Just downright dangerous! Especially since they don't even know you're their actual mother and primary guardian!!!

Here, there isn't a school that doesn't require visitors to check-in at the principal's office as a guest. They need a visitor's time-dated badge and to explain their reason for being there. No one gets to just "hang out" in classrooms or on buzz around on the playground or hang out for lunch short of being a registered volunteer or classroom helper.

If the guest isn't an approved guardian (formally on record with the school) they can not be there, let alone can they leave the premises with the kids short of the parents giving written consent. If there is no consent on record, the "visitor" has to leave as they have no acceptable reason to be on campus.

This is why many school districts designate "one day" as grandparent day or grandparent open house day. For the safety of ALL of the students. The fact that your school is allowing this is just unbelievable. Who knows who else they're letting hang out with the kids all day?!!

Anyhoo, in direct response to your controlling mom problem, contact the school immediately and tell them that she is not to be allowed access to the kids at the school during the day unless you inform them ahead of time that she is to be picking them up from school or there is an emergency. I don't see why you should be the one doing this, as it sounds like she's made such a nuissence of herself, you'd think they would have contacted you by now about this. And if they haven't, then that means she's told them she is the primary guardian. And that is just downright dangerous for your kids' safety. If there is an accident, they go missing, they get bad grades or have trouble in school, she's the one getting the phone call...not you. You are the parent, and you should be the one knowing what's going on with your kids all day, and you're the one who should have final say on their over-all education.

Set the record straight at that school before something terrible happens. If your mom doesn't obey after that, she can deal with the cops when they come to escort her from the premises. Good luck.

PS: If the school doesn't adequately get the situation under control, it is definitely time to find a new school...one with real security policies. Your poor kids! How embarrassing to have grandma helicoptering all day. The other kids are probably thinking this is really weird. Especially if she's not volunteering as a teacher's helper. If this were a grandpa, this would never have been allowed -- they'd thought he was a pervert. Nonetheless, it's pretty weird that grandma is hovering. Maybe senility or psychosis is at play and counseling is needed. This isn't normal behavior at all and they're robbing the kids of a normal and safe learning experience.

You can make this stop. Next year put into their files that there will be no visitors allowed to visit your daughters during school hours aside from you the parent. You do not have to allow anyone to visit your children while in school and this situation seems to be one complicated and ridiculous one. I don't see why it has been allowed to continue seeing as it bothers you. The grandparents can visit the children outside of school and spend one on one time with each time individually at various times, school does not have to be nor does it need to be the place do this.

Does the school have a policy about visitors? I would look into it and see if you can use that to help you have a talk with your mom.

But yes, this is ridiculous. The competitive attitude of your mom and grandmother is beyond childish. You need to have a very frank conversation with both of them and tell them that they can visit once per quarter and that is it. Let her get mad. Let her "punish" you for awhile and I'm sure she will get over it.

With three visits per week, your girls are losing out on valuable social time with friends THEIR OWN AGE. They need this time to build friendships. Grandparents can have plenty of time outside of the school setting.

I think you are right to be frustrated! Have a talk and let us know how it goes! Good luck!

added: i read what someone else said about a past post so I read it and I agree with them, she doesnt sound like someone I;d want around my kids unsupervised so much. I'd nip it in the bud and deal with the sulking

That seems like way too much. How can your kids play with friends at school with this going on? Are the older ones starting not to enjoy it?

I'd be very torn. I wouldnt want to cut it out completely because my daughter would love that if her grandmoms visted but I'd tell my mom one visit a week is enough. Her mom and her could take turns and if they wanted to be more involved you would contact the volunteer office and see about them being lunch ladies or something. That way they could see their grandkids, show their support, without actually interupting their day.
I would ignore the feelings of being one uped' by your mom, after all thats what your mom and her mom do, so you want to stop that cycle.
I would do what was in the best interest of your kids social development and leave my feelings out ofit. Also I'd mention to my mom what the little ones said. can you talk to your dad?

read the school manual. See if there is a policy of who is allowed to interact with the children. In our case for security purposes only custodial parents are able to vusit the student during the school day due ti divorce issues and not wanting to risk a child abduction. If it is not in the manual ask the principle to create a visitor policy to minimize education disruption to the children and keep them safe. Have a discussion and follow it with an email to ensure understanding on both sides that your to be the only one to he updated on your child and your pretty sure federal privacy laws are on your side. Alsi engage the teachers frequently so the question who Mom is defined.

Wow, that's just insane! Like others have suggested, I would just go to the school adminstration and let them know what is going on, and then let them be "the bad guys." I can't believe they just let Grandma show up and check in and visit that much, whenever she wants, and they haven't had a problem with it. It would seem to me that it would start to become too disruptive when the kids are supposed to be there to learn and then be able to socialize with each other, not their grandparents that they already see outside of school the rest of the time.

Talk to the teachers and principal, and let them know you don't want Grandma allowed to enter the building or be on school grounds while school is in session. Then let Grandma know that the school has changed it's policy on visitors and has had to become more strict, only allowing parents and other family members to be there if they are there to volunteer or help out in some way. If she questions it, just say that they were having a problem with kids having too many visitors and now they've had to clamp down on it. And there was an incident where a non-custodial parent tried to take their child with them without the custodial parent's permission, so now they are trying to be extra careful.

If she acts all pouty about it, treat her like any toddler or preschool who would whine and throw a fit about not getting their way..."Well, I am sorry you feel that way but it is what it is, there's nothing to be done about it." I would be tempted too to ask her if, when you were a child, how she would feel about YOUR grandma coming to the school all the time. And make her aware that the younger girls have become aware of how much she visits the older ones and they have started feeling left out, so maybe it's for the best that the "school policy" is what it is now.

Grandma and Great-grandma need to find something else to do with their time. Maybe they even need some counseling so they can learn what boundaries are and how they are overstepping them - and manipulating you into feeling guilty for standing your ground as a mother and an adult.

If you want to put an end to it completely you can tell the school that your kids are only allowed visits from mom & dad. Then if you want to take Gma or Great-Gma to lunch with you and the girls you can, but you control it.

restraining order?? just kidding sort of.

Our school woudl allow this, i can visit at lunch when ever i want, but I don't want.

i think i would talk to the principal this year before school is over, and just explain that while your mom adores the kids and enjoys visiting, you are concerned about the disruption and that you would like to know if there is anything you as the parent can do to limit/ban grandma's visits next year.
and to give next years teachers a heads up not to encourage this behavior.

i woudl hate to raise a fuss and have ALL parents banned from visiting, but if you are confident and kind, i bet they could work with you. and perhaps in sept the principal could "run into" grandma at lunch and tell her to limit her visits.

Grandma must be charming to the staff, or i bet they would have put a stop to it already. which makes your position all the more--harder (wow bad grammar) But these are YOUR girls.

I would talk to the principal or superintendent about the problem. Let them be the bad guy. Your girls need their space at school. Your Mom is not
being appropriate. Can't believe that she has gotten away with this for so
long!

That scenario would drive me CRAZY!!!!!!!!! Wow!! What nerve! I'm guessing it would have driven her crazy when she had young children too. Did your great grandma do this to her, I wonder? Time to put the hammer down. No grandmas allowed unless invited to special events or maybe they could take turns at pick-up once in a while. After school and weekends can be grandma time.

I wonder if you asked the school counsellor to get involved. She/he might approach the situation as: "Lunchtime and recess is a time for the students to play and bond with one another. Playtime is a very important part of learning social skills and it is most important when done without constant adult guidance. The children clearly enjoy your company, but they are actually being deprived of an important part of the school experience. Let's make a compromise and have a special visit day once a month and leave it at that. You can choose which day to visit, but it can only be once per calendar month. That way, you get your visits in, and the children get their important growth opportunities. I knew you'd understand. You obviously want what's best for you grandchildren." Or something along those lines... just a thought. It seems like if the idea comes from somewhere other than you, even if she's upset, it won't be an imbalance in the family. Hope it all works out. I agree with you. She's WAAAAYYY out of bounds. Good luck.

Hi, M.:

Yes, indeed, there is control issues rampant between your G Mom, your Mom, and you.

You are repeating with your Mom what your Mom and her Mom are doing.

Now how do you set boundaries so everyone's needs are met?

I suggest you get a facilitator to hold a family group decision making conference.

Invite all the family and come up with a plan.
Check out your mediation center in your area.
or you can call 1-###-###-#### and ask for Sandy, or call
me 1-###-###-####.

Good luck.
D.

www.iirp.edu

i'm thinking in this case i would ask the teacher and my kids how they felt about all the visits. see if the amount of visits per week and the duration of their stay is interfering in any of the kids' learning or being able to pay attention to the teacher during lessons. if anything restrict visits to lunch time and recess time for your mom and grandma. but if teacher is ok with their visits and the girls don't mind then try to get over it. i know most teachers are very grateful for all the "help" they can get.