I Know Its "Our" Money But.....

Updated on October 27, 2011
ღ.. asks from Detroit, MI
28 answers

Does it make you feel like a loser when you buy something for your husband with his own money?

I am now offically a SAHM, since I have had kids I have always worked part-time, but with my business, a lot of times it turned out to be more than full time. Since I have had my 3rd child, I gave up my crazy real estate business. With my husband working 70 hours a week, I just didnt want my 3 kids bopping around between relatives while I work. I just want everything to be stable and structured for them.

I know that I contribute a TON to this family, but I do admit that I feel pretty guilty that I do not financially support this family anymore. That responsibilty is 100% on his shoulders now.

I have always liked buying him nice things, with MY money. But now that I dont make money, I feel like Im not really buying it myself, he is. It kinda makes me feel bad.

Does anyone else feel like this?

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answers from Jacksonville on

Yes and no. I used to be the sole bread winner and he bought me stuff with my money, and it didn't bother me. So why should I let it bother me that I do the same to him now? Secretly though, I really want my book to sell so I can contribute again though. :)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Cincinnati on

I totally feel the same way. I have come up with creative ways to earn money throughout the year, then I stash it and use it to buy him presents for birthday and Christmas.

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answers from Los Angeles on

From a man's perspective . . .

Momma W said it the best, "Most guys don't want the big gift...they want YOU and time to relax a little." Want some ideas? Read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands."

My truck is a 2003 and has over 100,000 miles on it. I'd rather be with my loving wife and have a chance to do things with her than to own a new truck with no payments.

If my wife really wanted to buy me "The BIG gift", it would be a vacation with her. Cruise or island resort. The person you're with is much more important than the destination.

Good luck to you and yours.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Colorado Springs on

This is usually called a period of adjustment! You're now in a different career - one with different value assessments.

If your husband had to pay you - as he would have to pay a housekeeper/daycare provider - for everything you are now doing at home, he couldn't afford you.

Are you "earning your way"? Definitely. Are you as important, right now, as your husband's paycheck is? I say yes.

You've shifted responsibilities. Your responsibility now is to be the best manager of your husband's money that you can possibly be. Sometimes that's harder than earning the stuff. Do you each have some money for which you are not accountable to one another? It's a good idea.

Does your husband feel that your gift to him would be moot because he earned the money to pay for it? You might ask him.

Be careful that you aren't thinking your value as a person equals a name on a paycheck. All people, including you, are worth much more than that.

(If my husband made a comment like Jo W's did, he'd lose his gifts. Well, actually, her ex lost HER!)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

I used to, but I've gotten over it.

Do you know how much you guys would have to pay someone to do what you do for your family? Child care alone would be a huge bill.

For us it's all going into one "pot" - when you have a special day like a birthday you just get a bit more of it! :)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Nope not at all. I have never felt that way. But you are not alone..I have see a couple recent posts on this subject.

It just doesn't make sense to me because I work my butt off as a SAHM and wife and homemaker! I know my value is waaaay more than my husband could ever make and he makes a fabulous living. You can not put a price tag on what you do as SAHM because you cannot pay anyone enough to put their heart into it the way YOU do.

I think society places too much value on the person that brings home the bacon.

Maybe the gifts you get him are a little extravagant and he doesn't even need or want them. My hubby just had a bday and he was so grateful that I made love to him each night during the weekend, gave him some quiet time at home for a few hours while I took the kids out, made his favorite dinners and gave him a new soccer warm up suit cuz he absolutely LOVES playing soccer. Most guys don't want the big gift...they want YOU and time to relax a little.

You are providing such a safe,secure,scheduled and nurturing environment for your kids and husband in your home just by "being there". If you married a good man he will see that more valuable than a paycheck....or a big gift.

What is mine is his and what is his is mine. This is our philosophy...it is not a his,hers and ours. We are a team. We happen to play different positions in the game but each is so valued to the whole team...and to make a big win.

Let go of the guilt. You have NO reason to feel guilty..save it for something you actually are doing wrong. I recommend reading Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book, "In Praise of Stay at Home Moms". It is an uplifting and inspiring book..it in no way slams moms who have to work by any means. It is just so relatable for moms at home in the trenches 24-7.

Good luck and best wishes!!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

I used to but I realized he doesn't have the time to go and get it himself. So when I get him something, it shows I was thinking of him and took the time to pick it out. I guess my currency is time.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

Have you thought about sending yourself/your family a bill for your services? You'd have to pay someone to do the shopping, picking up of kids, etc. In Jr high, HS, my parents both worked about hired a housekeeper to pick us up, drive us to lessons, do laundry, neaten up the house, go grocery shopping, supervise us, prepare dinner. Her job usually was from 2-6 and she earned an hourly rate. They also paid for a separate cleaning lady for deep cleaning. They paid her too.

Maybe you should pay yourself $30-$50 an hour and bill your family for the hours that you are working 100% (not checking facebook, posting here, etc.) Then you won't feel so guilty about buying anything with your money. I know this sounds goofy, but it might be the way to mentally give yourself the credit for the work you are doing then you won't feel bad!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

1) You NEED 'your own money', and so does he. Every pay check each of you pull x amount as "your" money (and TRUST me, it needs to be the same amount, or there will be strife and resentment. One person doesn't 'need more'). You use that to NOT NOT NOT buy family stuff, but self stuff (save it for birthdays and big purchases- took me 3 years to save for my macbookpro, buy clothes, get your hair cut, girls nights, boys nights... the personal expenses. Kid birthdays, xmas, etc... you use family money for that. This is your own money you can save or spend as you like). This is 'no questions asked' money that either of you can spend how you choose. The AMOUNT per paycheck really varies between families. I know some who each get $50 every two weeks and people who each get $1500 every two weeks. This is money ON TOP OF money set aside for groceries, doctors appointments, work expenses, etc.

2) There's no 'but'. It is "our" money, period. If you don't feel lame buying your kids gifts, and you don't feel lame getting gifts from your husband, don't feel lame giving him gifts. Gifts aren't "You can't afford this, so I'm giving it to you."... they are expressions of love. If you don't feel lame going out on a date (another expression of love), don't feel lame with this expression of love.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

I used to, at the start, but not any more. You are correct in saying that you provide tons to the family, things just as important as $$$. Plus, you can look at any money you are now saving on child care as income you are earning!! You have to really see the value of what you do to understand that it is ok for him to earn "our" money, and that it does not make it "his". You are a family, and you have different roles to play. I really do understand how you feel, when I first started staying home it was so strange not to be earning that $$$, but over the years I have realized that what I have done in this family and for it is worth way more than any amount I could have earned over these past years.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dover on

You know it's all "our money" so even when you were working, was it still all "our money"? I'm not a SAHM, though I was for a while when the kids were tiny. For us, it's always been "our money" no matter whether I was working or not. With that being said, I have always thought it was kind of goofy to buy stuff for each other with our money. It's nice & the thought that counts & yadda yadda yadda, but do you know what I mean?

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Hmmmm....I gotta say I thought I would find it very hard to do when I started working PT, after working FT for the first 7 years of our (kidless) marriage (and 10 years FT before that, being self-supporting) always making roughly the same $$ as my husband.

Gotta say....not as hard as I thought it was going to be! LOL :)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I know I would feel the same way but you need to look beyond that. Because of your contributions being extremely significant you are an equal partner. Start a special account aside from your normal accounts and allow yourself an allowance for when you want to buy a gift for your DH or family. It will feel like you are paying yourself for the work you do...Just another idea to develop a new mindset about your situation :)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

It's kind of the same way if you both work and share a bank account. What exactly are you buying? Watches, clothes, shoes? I would suggest like someone else said here that you both have an allowance to spend on whatever. Or maybe you have an allowance and he doesn't (some men don't like allowances). You can use it on your clothes, etc. for yourself or something for him if you choose. Or maybe if you are talking about buying him gifts for occasions like birthdays or Christmas you could agree on an amount to spend on each other.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

That is certainly one way to look at it.

If your husband isn't the kind of man to splurge on himself and you pick up something for him that is the whole point isn't it? That you thought of him and his needs or wants and met him at his need.

A change of mind set is very important or how you are thinking could poison a good thing for you and your family. You are a team and you are doing this for the team. Celebrate your husband on occassions by getting him something special with the family or team money. No guilt required.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Unless you're buying him something extravagant, who's money are you supposed to use to get him something?

I was a stay at home mom for a while when my kids were younger. Who's money did you think bought his christmas or birthdays or that new lawnmower? It wasn't mine. But I do and did PLENTY to support the house. So I looked at it like an allowance.

You are doing your part to take care of the household, it's just not monitary. Stop feeling guilty. We all have our roles.

Sending good thoughts your way.

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answers from Charlotte on


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answers from Dallas on

You should NEVER feel that way. As a stay at home mom you probably put in more hours than he does!!! Do not feel guilty one bit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I joked with my hubby the other day because he bought me two gorgeous bands (one anniversary and one to upgrade my wedding band) for our anniversary earlier this month...but I handle the finances :). So I told him that yes we could afford it and I'll make payments. Don't feel bad, because the money that is being saved while you are taking care of the kids is well worth any $ you could make outside of the house. Wish I could stay home!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Augusta on

I feel the same way.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

I use the reward money from our credit card. We charge most expenses and pay it off each month (so no interest). I know its our money, but it just make me feel better.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Lakeland on

I feel like this too and have talked to my hubby about it. He keeps saying it is our money and not to worry. He doesn't truly understand where I am coming from. I was completely independent when I was single, I had a good job, a nice car and my own house. No one gave me money to get these things I worked hard and get them on my own.
I decided to stay home because we could afford it and I wanted to be with our daughter. I just do my best to put it out of my mind. I know (and he knows) how much I do around the house so as time goes by I feel it less and less.
I do joke with him and say that what’s his is mine and what’s mine is mine, LOL.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I know how you feel! That is why we added "Blow Money" for him and for me. You can save YOUR blow money and spend it on him! Since it is your money to blow, you do not feel like you are spending HIS money. I have found this really helps with B-Days and Christmas!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Williamsport on

I feel your pain. I've been a sahm mom for 5 years after working full time with no support for 17 years. Making good money too toward the end of that time....

If ONLY we could do all we do at home AND draw a paycheck for it! Honestly, I do SO much work now, not just for the kids but ALSO for my husband who always travels, that I don't feel guilty for one minute. We're on a tight budget with one income, but part of my difficult job is CONSTANTLY cutting costs and pulling financial planning miracles and balancing acts to get everything everyone needs, and cut other stuff! I had to manage an IRS catastrophe for him that was a huge time sink for 3 years...I do all the bills, all the house upkeep, lawn mowing, shoveling, maintenance ON TOP OF daily kid stuff, no help whatsoever, and I'm HOMESCHOOLING because we live in a bad district and can't afford the private school! How much would it cost my husband to have a full time nanny, maid, maintenance guy, school and classes for kids, and financial assistant? A lot less than the groceries I eat, lemme tell ya.

I don't often buy him or myself gifts, but when I have, he has been very appreciative, because he doesn't shop for himself either, and it's the thought that counts.

Don't feel bad! You are priceless! And good men get lots of satisfaction from supporting their family if they are able.

Now, if my husband was the only one working and I had a nanny and a cushy life would I feel bad buying him gifts with his own money?...NOPE! He'd get even more gifts!!! :)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I go back and forth. Especially right now...Because I am working on my Art....And not getting paid, right now.

so my guilt comes in the form that He works. I work. He comes home and has to help out with the kids, house and life...When I would like to be able to let him come home and just veg...

He gets it though. I have been a SAHM now for 4 years. I worked off and on in Retail with my first two....

He see's my need to work. I work at home as a way for me to get away from home...without being totally away.

He does not expect me to clean house all day. Or to diode on the kids 24/7.

Honestly with one income you may find you do not have the extra to buy him stuff.

show him how much you love him for what he does...by making his Favorite dinner.

My husband does not think of money as HIS. He works for it yes...But you are working at home....Raising the kids and that is not a easy job and can be very Thankless.

Transitioning to a full time SAHM can be very hard. Because there is the factor we make no income...so it is very easy to look at the situation and not feel valued. Consider some of his pay, your pay...And if you still want to do what you have done in the past...That is how to attack those feelings of ''It is his money''

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answers from St. Louis on

I used to squirrel away money from the food and clothing budget to buy my ex a gift just so I wouldn't feel like that. Of course it didn't help that my ex would make stupid comments like oh, lets see what I bought myself this year, mind you. :(

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answers from Dothan on

Nope, I don't...I am a SAHGranni...I do writing for my 'pin' money, vows, eulogies, etc..My DH has alwayz been the major 'breadwinner' even when we both worked outside the home. The money really, truly is 'ours', I'm sure he will let you know pretty much what he wants for any particular 'gift giving' occasion, those hints should let you know what he thinks the budget can stand now that you aren't working outside the home.

BTW, you work more than 3 ppl. now that you are a SAHM, so think of ALL the $$$ you are saving! ;)

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answers from Detroit on

Yes. Absolutely. And after a while I decided that if it's "ours" then there wasn't a problem. Or shouldn't be. I'd use "MY" portion. There's also the fact that when it came to gifts, it was normally me that did the gift shopping. He was awful at it. But yes I did feel the exact same way because I too was a SAHM and he was the breadwinner. It bothered me that much because it's like keeping the receipts, he could see what he was getting for his birthday or Christmas. (same day) But you work with what you can.
And I also would get the "don't spend all the money" line way too often. Even when I was trying my darnedest to keep expenditures low.

This was always a touchy area. I still try to get as much as possible for the least amount w/out sacrificing too much.

1 mom found this helpful
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