My daughter made a friend in 1st grade who lives in our apartment complex. At first I was happy to a have friend so close by, but unfortunately as we got to know her better things have changed. One day she was over and they were playing in the room. I have them keep the door opened to keep an eye on them, and her friend took my daughter into the closet. She started telling her about how her 9-year old cousin forces her to show her vagina and licks it and plays with it. My daughter came running to me to tell me, and I took a deep breath and tried to casually ask her more questions, and then told her that her privates are a very special place, and they are called private because no one is allowed there without permission. Then I told her that in our home we kept our privates to ourselves and asked her if she had talked to her mom about it, and she said she hadn't. At this point I felt really uncomfortable going any further with the conversation. I told her it was good to talk to her mom about these things (as far as I know her mom is going through a difficult divorce and is already with someone else so the daughter goes to several family members homes on the weekends, but her mom seems caring and involved despite circumstances). I talked to her mom about it and her mom was shocked and unsure about what to do next. I recommended therapy and having a talk with her daughter about her body and giving her boundaries and guidelines (which she had never done, but despite her daughter seems very aware). She of course needed some time to process it all, and a few days later she called and mentioned that her daughter was in therapy and was very sorry she hadn't known. We tried having play dates after that, but my daughter came home after being over for a few minutes because her friend had put her in her room and was asking to see her privates, and I never let her play over after that. I have tried allowing her friend over at the house, but since she now taunts Maya it school with the word vagina and tells her that they are different colors and she wants to see what color my daughter's is, I feel an insane rage around her, I am on edge knowing that a girl that taunts my daughter is over being her 'friend'. I have talked to Maya about boundaries and how friends should respect them, and we will learn who our friends are those who respects us, but of course this isn't an immunity towards dealing with it on a daily basis at school. My daughter still considers her a friend, and they seem to despite this, to have a connection, but I do not agree with this happening at all. Where to draw the line between helping my daughter socialize and deal with the world and keeping her safe? I was very sheltered so this is hard for me to gauge. My gut wants to take her to the mountains and run. My parents always tried to keep me from the neighborhood kids who were a bad influence (non-religious, rock music, the trouble makers) but this didn't help me with dealing with them at school. Also I felt I knew what was wrong and right and would have liked it if they trusted me more rather than fear the world getting me. Also, the mother and I are not close, so it's hard to talk to her about her daughter on such a sensitive subject. What would be your suggestions?
Thanks!
For those who have responded. I was trying to trim the length of the post, and focus on my issue, which is how to handle a friend of my daughter's that has been abused. The mother called and made a police report after I told her, CPS opened up a case, and it is CPS who referred her to a particular therapist. The problem with the 'nine year old girl story' is that her mom says she doesn't play with any other kids, the only other person she comes around in a 16 year old male cousin at her grandma's house. So the story changes and isn't clear. After that initial update the mother never updated me again. Like I said the mom and I aren't close, so I didn't know how to approach a delicate conversation. In terms of the incident at school, my daughter told her teacher and principal, and her friend was severely reprimanded for doing so.
I wanted to help my daughter's friend and the mother through this process, but since it involves my daughter's innocence I have a hard time not being biased about the situation. So I was just looking for perspective. Thank you for taking the time.
Hello everyone,
Thank you for your responses. I have called the Texas Abuse Hotline and filed a report. They advised to keep up with the school and how well they are supervising the child, and if they do not increase supervision and aid in limiting contact with that child I can call and report the school and they will do an investigation on the school and how they handle matters like this. Although I had the good intention of being there for support, it is clear it is not something I can do alone, and this requires legal reinforcement to get the girl the help she needs. I spoke with my daughter about how I am glad she talks to me about things, and that now as a mom I am going to do what I need to do to keep her safe. She seems relieved. We are also strategizing how to work through interaction with the girl, and what really makes someone a best friend. I think it is still sinking in, we are good hearted folk that prefer to think the best of people, so it takes us a while to process situations like this. Live and learn.
For those of you who judged this post, it's sad that you would be so quick to judge someone reaching out with a complex situation like this. If you are so concerned for the child, offer what would help. Help being the key word here.
I wonder if talking to the school counselor would be appropriate, as this poor child is acting out at school as well. The mother needs all the help she can get.
Ask the school counselor what you could do as well. Perhaps contact the police non-emergency line and ask for help in how to handle the situation.
Afterms reading other responses I realized I was mixing some teen issues into my answers. (My granddaughter is 14 and I'm working out how to work with her.) I agree that not allowing her to continue playing with her is right. I'm glad to read that your daughter accepted it. You are handling this situation in a way that works without hard feelings.
As a retired police officer who investigated sex offenses, I want to tell you that first reporting to the mom was the right thing to do. Her mom's response is also good.
I was a foster parent for a weekend of a preschool girl who had been molested. CSD was hoping that because of my experience I would accept her long term. She acted out sexually. At least 2 foster parents had been unable to continue fostering her. I was not able to keep her long term because my 8yo hated her out of jealousy.
Her case is extreme. I'm not suggesting that this girl will be in foster care. Her mom is doing the right things. I tell you to illustrate that your daughter's friend is responding in a way to be expected. Her counselor will teach her to not do this.
I would only allow this girl to play with my daughter when I was able to closely supervise. I would not give this girl a chance to talk with my daughter privately. That being said I would limit the number of contacts during after school. Your daughter is an age where you are still in control of her social life.
I would not tell my daughter that she couldn't be friends with her but, depending on your daughter's maturity level, I would tell her, in passing, that keeping her safe is your responsibility. I would not make this conversation about her friend nor make the conversation a big deal. It's to just let her know that her safety is a priority for you.
I would not tell her she can't be friends. I see her willingness to stay friends as a positive trait. You want her to be compassionate and accepting of people different than her and her family. However, I would limit their contact. Protect her while allowing her to make her to come to her own decision about what friendship means.This is a lesson that will help her over and over in making friends. Talk about how being with this girl feels. Talk about how you wouldn't keep a friendship with someone who taunts you and asks you to do things you know are not right. Good that you've been talking to her about friendship. I suggest that in a short time she will let go of this friendship. I suggest that these conversations just be a part of everyday life.
I suggest that if you tell her she can't be friends the lesson will be lost. This is an opportunity for you to guide her in the direction of your values.
About the taunting/teasing at school I would again talk with her mother. She has shown that she accepts information and responds in a positive way. I would also talk with the teacher about your daughter's experiences with her. I would not talk about what has happened in her life. This should be kept confidential. I would expect the school already knows. CSD and the police are committed to keeping all children safe.
Of course, answer your daughter's questions honestly at a level that she can understand. No need to make your answers give more information than she needs to know. Keep being open to hearing what she has to say.
Good you talk about good touches/bad touches. If you don't have a book that is written for children I would get one. a book with pictures is another way to teach.
If you are not a troll, and are a real mother of a nine year, you'd already know you have to report what she told your daughter.
Actually this friend seems to be bullying your daughter at this point.
With friends like that, who needs enemies?
It's nice to want to help the abused child but my kid would come first with me and I would not allow this teasing and taunting and sexual harassment to go on.
Report the situation, have the girls separated at school.
That friendship is over as far as I'm concerned.
You've done the right thing. The only remaining issue that I see here is that you still want to somehow help the mom and girl. I hate to say this, but you need to stop trying. You write, "I have tried allowing her friend over at the house, but since she now taunts Maya it school...I feel an insane rage around her, I am on edge knowing that a girl that taunts my daughter is over being her 'friend'." Do not have Maya over; she is your daughter's tormenter at school now and not her friend, there or at home. I know Maya is very troubled and is the victim, not the perpetrator -- BUT she is now taunting your child at school and should not be allowed into your home because of that. Your child needs to feel that home is her safe place, and letting Maya come play -- even if you are with them every second -- is letting Maya, who taunts your girl at school, invade your child's safe space.
I know you mean to help but Maya cannot be your child's "friend" at home and taunt her with sexual taunts in school. Period. Ever. You have to protect your child, and stop trying to help Maya. The fact that Maya is in therapy but still taunting your child with sexual talk is very troubling.
You say you're not sure how to draw the line between keeping your daughter safe and teaching her to socialize and be in the world. This is not an issue of socializing. It is not somehow anti-social to have nothing to do with someone who is harassing you. We teach kids to walk away from harassers and tormentors. Unfortunately, as much as Maya is a victim here, she is also your child's harasser, and as much as it's nice to teach our kids to be kind to those having a tough time -- your child does not need to learn here that she has to be friendly with Maya. Stop having Maya to your home. Your child needs her safe space. And be sure the school is keeping these girls apart.
breathing a huge sigh here....
I want to call troll. I really do. As this is just insane.
On the off-chance this is not a troll post - if the girl is over again?? video tape her....use a nanny-cam or something - but really? get proof.
then show it to the police and CPS.
If this is happening at school? You need to tell the school what is happening and what this other child is saying and doing to your daughter.
I get why you are upset with her - she's trying to take away your daughter's innocence. However, IF she has been molested? You need to NOT be angry with her - it wasn't her fault.
You need to throttle back your anger at the other girl - she is a victim.
I think you did the right thing but I wouldn't have allowed her over again
after that incident.
Don't have her over. Tell your daughter to stay away from that girl at
school (call the school to see if they can have them separated?).
Encourage your daughter's other friends at school by trying to having
them come over for playdates. Or have the school playdates meet you at
a nearby park.
Definitely have the talk w/your daughter that our private are ours. Not to
be shown or shared w/people etc.
Try to get around seeing that family at your apartment complex.
Maybe look into moving to a cheap small house?
If this is a real situation, then I hope this poor child gets the help she needs with CPS and therapy. Why this question is posted as "I don't like my 7 year old's best friend" ... I don't understand.
Where you say "I feel an insane rage around her" (about this little friend of your daughter's who is clearly being abused) ... stop the friendship then.
I get that you are looking out for your child, completely understand that.
But I can't imagine feeling that way about another child. Insane rage? You just found out the child is being molested ..
If this is a genuine situation (sorry, but I'm not sure it is ..) then you've done what you needed to do (alerted the mother, and the police).
The children should not have been left unsupervised after the first incident - so if you cannot trust the mother to supervise the girls, that's your answer. It's too awkward to always have playdates at your house without insulting the mother. You don't trust the mother at this point - you don't seem to care for the child (because of her reaction to all this) ... take a break for a while. Maybe things will resolve. If so, your kids can hang out again (if they are interested). If you are prepared to have her over (supervised) that's your call. But you sound angry and frustrated - so that doesn't sound healthy to me.
Good luck :)
